Changing Hopes
It's been along time since I posted here. A lot of things have changed and I have to admit that I'm nothing like the person who started this journal. a lot of things however are exactly the same and that's not always a good thing. Something inspired me to start writing again. I'm not sure why but I know that writing things down can make everything seem a lot clearer. I have no illussions that people read this. It was only ever arrogance that made me think that people were interested in what I thought or did. People are too preoccupied with their own lives to care about the thoughts that go through my brain, and that's the way it should be. I liked writing here though. Writing down what I was thinking and feeling helped me to understand the craziness that was going on inside my own head. it helped me to understand why things were happening and allowed me to bring a little perspective to the situation. That wasn't always the perspective of a sane person but getting the thoughts out of my head helped to make them real. It gave them meaning in a world that was pointless.
So I'm writing again. For no one in particular and with no point or agenda in mind. Just writing because I can and because I want to. So what prompted me to write? Well I realised today that how i percieve myself isn't actually how I am. A few weeks ago I did one of those stupid facebook things. It made a list of the ten words you used most commonly in your facebook updates. Isn't it funny how the smallest most inane things can totally screw you up? If you look back through these journal entries you can see how angry and frustrated I was a few years ago. I had every right to be angry and frustrated. My life sucked and I couldn't see a way out of it. I had assumed that I had come on leaps and bounds since this time. I thought I was optimistic and positive. Not according to this list though. It listed words like can't, hate, work, dull. Do those sound like words used by an upbeat, encouraging person. They sure don't to me.
Now this might sound kooky but I believe in things like the law of attraction. I believe you attract people to you that are similiar to you. I would look through my friends entries and see how dire they were. How dull and boring they were and how many of them focused on the things that went wrong in their lives. I sat there acting all smug and judgemental and quietly thought to myself "well of course you're life sucks, look at what you are focusing on" all the while unconsciously doing the same thing myself.
I watched the boat race a few weeks ago and I have always supported Cambridge. I have always looked upon the Oxford crew with nothing but disdain. This year 2 rowers came in for a special dose of my negative thinking. The Winklevoss brothers. These guys seemed to have everything so it was ok to hate them. They were tall, strong, attractive, smart, rich and to my mind extremely arrogant. Now I don't know these guys. They could be the nicest folks in the world but I'll never know because I had them labelled before I knew who they were. The fact that they were obviously hard working, determined and driven never even came into the equation.
I judge people. I'm arrogant. I'm a snob. I like to take the easy way out. I'm stubborn. I'm opionated. I always think I'm right. I think I know better than everyone else even when I don't. I'm rude. I'm insensitive. I'm selfish. I never take time to be interested in other people. I'm lazy...and those are just the surface issues that I can think off from the top of my head. I'm sure people can come up with a lot more things about me that I'm not even aware of. I'm no saint and I know this. So why do I try to be?
I want to be a better person, but that's not always enough. I want to think more positive thoughts but wanting something doesn't make it happen. I know it's possible to change the way you think because I've already done it. I've gotten part of the way there. But I don't know how I did it. I feel like I've gone half the journey but I don't know how I got here. I've got the other half to go but I've forgotten how to walk. How can I change my can'ts into can's? How can I change my dull's into exciting's, my work's into play's? How can I change the way I see the world?
I'm really not sure but I have to keep trying, and maybe today I can think a little kinder about other people.
So I'm writing again. For no one in particular and with no point or agenda in mind. Just writing because I can and because I want to. So what prompted me to write? Well I realised today that how i percieve myself isn't actually how I am. A few weeks ago I did one of those stupid facebook things. It made a list of the ten words you used most commonly in your facebook updates. Isn't it funny how the smallest most inane things can totally screw you up? If you look back through these journal entries you can see how angry and frustrated I was a few years ago. I had every right to be angry and frustrated. My life sucked and I couldn't see a way out of it. I had assumed that I had come on leaps and bounds since this time. I thought I was optimistic and positive. Not according to this list though. It listed words like can't, hate, work, dull. Do those sound like words used by an upbeat, encouraging person. They sure don't to me.
Now this might sound kooky but I believe in things like the law of attraction. I believe you attract people to you that are similiar to you. I would look through my friends entries and see how dire they were. How dull and boring they were and how many of them focused on the things that went wrong in their lives. I sat there acting all smug and judgemental and quietly thought to myself "well of course you're life sucks, look at what you are focusing on" all the while unconsciously doing the same thing myself.
I watched the boat race a few weeks ago and I have always supported Cambridge. I have always looked upon the Oxford crew with nothing but disdain. This year 2 rowers came in for a special dose of my negative thinking. The Winklevoss brothers. These guys seemed to have everything so it was ok to hate them. They were tall, strong, attractive, smart, rich and to my mind extremely arrogant. Now I don't know these guys. They could be the nicest folks in the world but I'll never know because I had them labelled before I knew who they were. The fact that they were obviously hard working, determined and driven never even came into the equation.
I judge people. I'm arrogant. I'm a snob. I like to take the easy way out. I'm stubborn. I'm opionated. I always think I'm right. I think I know better than everyone else even when I don't. I'm rude. I'm insensitive. I'm selfish. I never take time to be interested in other people. I'm lazy...and those are just the surface issues that I can think off from the top of my head. I'm sure people can come up with a lot more things about me that I'm not even aware of. I'm no saint and I know this. So why do I try to be?
I want to be a better person, but that's not always enough. I want to think more positive thoughts but wanting something doesn't make it happen. I know it's possible to change the way you think because I've already done it. I've gotten part of the way there. But I don't know how I did it. I feel like I've gone half the journey but I don't know how I got here. I've got the other half to go but I've forgotten how to walk. How can I change my can'ts into can's? How can I change my dull's into exciting's, my work's into play's? How can I change the way I see the world?
I'm really not sure but I have to keep trying, and maybe today I can think a little kinder about other people.