secrets and ideas
I have to admit I'm a little upset. This is a rare thing, it doesn't often happen to me but I have this horrible little thought knawing away at my psyche. It's been slowly burrowing deeper and deeper into my brain until the point where I can't deny that it's there any more. This poisonious little idea that always seems to be at the back of every thought making me doubt and question the feelings I have.
I'm really honest, sometimes to the point of stupidity. Apparently most people have a barrier between their brain and their mouth that filters out all inappropriate comments and allows them to retain some sort of a private life. I don't have this. I tend to tell people everything but I'm lucky enough so far that people don't seem to mind knowing everything about me. There are however some people I'd prefer not to know everything about me, so I therefore tend to keep quiet around these people. There are very few people who actually understand how my brain works. Most of them are family. There are though lots of people who think they know how my brain works.
I know that I'm a hard person to get to know. I know this makes it difficult for some people. I'm upset that people that I do trust, and have told things too are keeping secrets from me. Not even big secrets, not even important secrets; stupid, childish, immature secrets. This makes me think that maybe I have put my trust in the wrong people. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I feel like I trust them a lot less. Part of me feels that if they could keep something as trivial as this from me then what else is being held back.
There is a part of me that just wants to leave and start over. There isn't one single person here that I couldn't live without. There isn't one person who I would dread to leave. I could happily travel to Asia and never look back and never feel the need to contact anyone. Every day I'm tempted to just unplug myself from society. Switch off the computer, turn off the phones and just disappear into a jungle somehere.
I guess I'm feeling just a little let down by the world, or maybe it's just a touch of impatience. I look around and I see the world offering all these opportunities and all these wonderful experiences and I'm just letting them all pass me by. I'm getting so caught up in the social structure and rituals of the community that it's distracting me from what is really all around me. I'm not looking to be a hermit or an outcast. I've done those things and I've experienced those sensations but I am looking for more.
I'm craving honesty right now. Genuine, unegotistical, decontaminated honesty. I would like to look around and be comfortable with the people I surround myself with. Varied, interesting, unconventional people, but more than that, I would like to see them see themselves as I see them. I'd like them to be unafraid and brave and accept themselves exactly as they are. To become aware that they are perfect in their flawed natures and embrace those flaws because that is what makes them perfect. Maybe then if they can accept their imperfections I can accept mine and together we can become just a little more honest, and a little more accepting.
I do feel hurt by the secrets, it makes me think that these aren't the people I want around me. Secrets are just another word for lies, and I deserve better than to be lied to.
I'm really honest, sometimes to the point of stupidity. Apparently most people have a barrier between their brain and their mouth that filters out all inappropriate comments and allows them to retain some sort of a private life. I don't have this. I tend to tell people everything but I'm lucky enough so far that people don't seem to mind knowing everything about me. There are however some people I'd prefer not to know everything about me, so I therefore tend to keep quiet around these people. There are very few people who actually understand how my brain works. Most of them are family. There are though lots of people who think they know how my brain works.
I know that I'm a hard person to get to know. I know this makes it difficult for some people. I'm upset that people that I do trust, and have told things too are keeping secrets from me. Not even big secrets, not even important secrets; stupid, childish, immature secrets. This makes me think that maybe I have put my trust in the wrong people. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I feel like I trust them a lot less. Part of me feels that if they could keep something as trivial as this from me then what else is being held back.
There is a part of me that just wants to leave and start over. There isn't one single person here that I couldn't live without. There isn't one person who I would dread to leave. I could happily travel to Asia and never look back and never feel the need to contact anyone. Every day I'm tempted to just unplug myself from society. Switch off the computer, turn off the phones and just disappear into a jungle somehere.
I guess I'm feeling just a little let down by the world, or maybe it's just a touch of impatience. I look around and I see the world offering all these opportunities and all these wonderful experiences and I'm just letting them all pass me by. I'm getting so caught up in the social structure and rituals of the community that it's distracting me from what is really all around me. I'm not looking to be a hermit or an outcast. I've done those things and I've experienced those sensations but I am looking for more.
I'm craving honesty right now. Genuine, unegotistical, decontaminated honesty. I would like to look around and be comfortable with the people I surround myself with. Varied, interesting, unconventional people, but more than that, I would like to see them see themselves as I see them. I'd like them to be unafraid and brave and accept themselves exactly as they are. To become aware that they are perfect in their flawed natures and embrace those flaws because that is what makes them perfect. Maybe then if they can accept their imperfections I can accept mine and together we can become just a little more honest, and a little more accepting.
I do feel hurt by the secrets, it makes me think that these aren't the people I want around me. Secrets are just another word for lies, and I deserve better than to be lied to.