blessings.. a double edged sword
Lately, I have began to realize that I am lucky in so many ways. No i have not had a charmed life, but i don't know.. I just am trying to feel peace.. I was driving today and i was thinking about how lucky i was to really find someone who loves me and i love him... and despite how much grad school is a bitch, in two years I'll have a ph d... I have supportive friends and a great dog... I mean i still have problems but i have started to realize that i am lucky and blessed.. with the realization i am sad.. I am sad bc my sister really never found love or peace. she went onto what ever is awaiting us after this life without knowing love... i mean family loved her, she loved her kids, her kids loved her, but she didn't know love from another person outside of family. that makes me sad... as i get older she will forever ebe 30 which confounds my mind... she wasn't much older than me when she had my youngest neice and i think about that... and i think now that i am having a child one of my biggest fears is leaving them behind as she had to leave her kids behind. my neices... another reason that i realize i'm lucky.. i have both parents, albeit lately they're not really parents, but still... i have both.. they have none... it saddens me that they will ahve to go through their childhood, adolescence, and adulthood without parents... i can't imagine it... then again i could have never imagined my life without my sister.. i am saddened by her loss... not just hte loss i have bc she died, but her loss of leaving her children and not have been loved by someone that wants nothing more than for her to be happy... and here i am.. younger than she was when she died and have been so blessed... i know it was not only hte choices i made, bc i made some not so great ones before... what makes the cosmos align that i have been blessed and she was extinguised before she coudl possibly come into her own actualization and true life?? I guess this is part of survivor's guilt.. I no longer wish to switch places with her as I did 2 years ago, but i am sad.. I just wish she could have experienced more before she died...