(no subject)
I really haven't written much about my feelings about my breakup with Jonathan. I haven't really cried. It's starting now already, I think I'll be sobbing by the time I'm done with this. He told me I was his soulmate. I believed him. I loved him so much and I still do. I always will. (Yes the tears are running down my face now.) I just want to be with him and hold him and make everything better for him. I was going to screen this entry but fuck it. I want everyone to know. Even him. I love him so much it hurts, I want him so badly. I have never loved or been loved like when I was with him. Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder I'm afraid, it makes the heart forget. I don't want him to forget what we had. I don't really have any idea how he feels about me, if he loves me still. He said he was setting me free. I know it's not all about what I want, but I don't want to be set free. Even if he can't see me often, I want to be his. What would be the use of dating others? Nothing would ever compare to what I've already experienced. It hurts that he gave me up. Hurts worse than anything I've ever felt. He has time for friends that are girls but doesn't have time for me at all? I am so confused and hurt. If he loved me like he said he did, how could he give me up? Maybe it was all a dream. I know he has to concentrate on himself right now...I understand and support that, But I just don't know how he could just give me up...makes me think he didn't feel the way about me that I thought he did. Maybe I was fooled by his words that if I let him, he's always be by my side. He lied. He's not there. But I saw the way he would look at me...in his eyes I saw it...the love...I don't think that can be faked. I don't know what to do, the pain is unbearable. I'm just floating around life. He took all of me. I think we fell in love the first night we met. I think what we experienced is a once in a lifetime thing. I want to cling to it, but I don't want to smother him or to annoy him. I just want him to come back to me. Even if I have to wait...I can do that...I just want to know he will be mine again. I'm not desperate..I've just felt true love and to lose it is the worst feeling in the world. His family doesn't approve of me. I have done things for them and if I ever did anything bad to them I can't imagine what it was. I never wanted to take him away from them. I know family is very important. I did things for them because I cared, even though they would say such hurtful things. I would endure it all because I loved Jonathan so much. It was worth anything just to have his love. Like I said, the fact the he could and did completely let me go makes me think he didn't feel the same way I felt. I might not ever know how he feels because I doubt he'd tell me. If he told me he wanted to get back together after he concentrates on himself, I'd be the happiest girl in the world. But my worst fear is that he doesn't want me at all. I wish I just knew. I wish he would tell me just how he feels. That's all I need right now. Just to know. Maybe I do know. I mean he gave up everything we had. I guess that's my answer. Simply put, I want him to pour out his heart to me. I need to know, even if it is completely over.