Just breathe

[tracybabe717]

I am scared. There it is, out there for the world to see. I am terrified. Of what? Not getting into school. It's this stupid fear, this overwhelming sense of terror that I carry around with me day after day, that I can't seem to get rid of. Everything lately is a sign; a sign that maybe I'm not ready or was stupid to apply or that for sure, there's no way they're going to let me in. I'm feeling really insecure about my application, wondering if there's anything I could have or should have done better. It's been over a week since they've had my application, and I've heard nothing from them. I called them yesterday, left a message, and I've heard nothing back, which leaves me with the nagging feeling that they hate my application, and therefore I'm not getting in. I lay awake every night, in this pretty house with the billions of books, with a pounding heart and a worried mind that I'll have to make the phone call to this family, who is so supportive and sure of me, to tell them I didn't get in. I try to tell myself that I'm just being silly, that HUC is in the middle of the rabbinic interviews (which is true) and haven't had time to call me back, but I can't get that stupid negativity out of my head.

I know it's common to feel insecure at a time like this. I just can't stand the thought of HUC flushing my dreams down the toilet with a simple rejection letter. I can't stand the thought of letting anyone down, or letting myself down. I wish and pray that Gd will give me some kind of peace, either the peace of knowing I'm doing the right thing, or the peace of accepting whatever happens. Both would be nice, too. I know I'm 100% sure that this is what I want for myself right now. I just wish I was 100% sure that this is what Gd wants for me as well.

Shabbat Shalom.