cross your fingers and pray for winter
I thought I was going to be happy, I really did. I know I should be but I'm just not. This all sounds so self-centered but the truth is, as much as I want to be happy ... I'm not. And that's not the kind of place I want to be in my life. Not with someone else because, as happy as I make the other person ... if I'm faking my way through it, it's not someting that really matters ...
God, why do I have to be such a fucking jerk? I don't get it. I wanted to be happy, I really wanted to but this past week ... I haven't felt like that. Sitting with him eveyday feels like a chore because ... I don't have anything to say to him. We don't agree on anything and yet ... he absolutely adores me. And ... I don't adore him. I feel like he's one of my good friends and that's it. This morning, kissing him wasn't ... it didn't make me feel anything. And then he tells me how much I like him and I can't help but think I'm going to break his heart by telling him I'm not sure I feel the same way.
But in reality, I don't know what I feel. All I know is that I'm not really happy right now. I'm not. And it's not his fault ... I think it's mine. I honestly don't know, though. I'm just really confused right now.
Because I thought I wanted to be with him, and for a while, I did. And then ... some how, in the past couple of weeks - before I started to date him - that feeling just slowly crept out of me. I don't know why, either. It's not like he did anything or I did anything. Maybe I didn't like him in the first place. Maybe I just forced myself into it. Fuck. I don't know.
Yeah, it's official. I am an asshole.
Fuck.
God, why do I have to be such a fucking jerk? I don't get it. I wanted to be happy, I really wanted to but this past week ... I haven't felt like that. Sitting with him eveyday feels like a chore because ... I don't have anything to say to him. We don't agree on anything and yet ... he absolutely adores me. And ... I don't adore him. I feel like he's one of my good friends and that's it. This morning, kissing him wasn't ... it didn't make me feel anything. And then he tells me how much I like him and I can't help but think I'm going to break his heart by telling him I'm not sure I feel the same way.
But in reality, I don't know what I feel. All I know is that I'm not really happy right now. I'm not. And it's not his fault ... I think it's mine. I honestly don't know, though. I'm just really confused right now.
Because I thought I wanted to be with him, and for a while, I did. And then ... some how, in the past couple of weeks - before I started to date him - that feeling just slowly crept out of me. I don't know why, either. It's not like he did anything or I did anything. Maybe I didn't like him in the first place. Maybe I just forced myself into it. Fuck. I don't know.
Yeah, it's official. I am an asshole.
Fuck.