bread crumbs
It is common of me that by the time I realize I can't sleep, it is about 2:30+ AM, and more often than not, it is because I am up thinking about the past, usually the recent past...
Tonight in particular I am thinking back on a group of friends I once had (stops to wonder whether those friendships ended or not) and the impact they had on me.
We had all only known each other between a range of 2 - 5 years but in that time we developed some habits and inside jokes which be bounced off one and other. If I had to guess I'd say there were roughly 15 people in this group of friends who also would slip in to sub groups or sometimes even pairs or solitude. I considered all of them my friend even though they probably didn't think the same about me. I always assume that. Anyway, each of them left an impression and sometimes that impression is so strong that I find myself, on nights like this, searching strenuously for saved internet conversations which meant something to me at one time. I miss them for sure but it's something different, something I am trying to recapture that I don't have now.
What am I searching for? Re-connection? I always feel like looking into the past is just a superfluous way of finding answers to the questions I have in the present time; like the past holds something that I once overlooked. I feel like I have lost something between now an then and I am retracing my steps, starting with those friends who made the most impact on me. I still have no idea what I am looking for but I am looking like a kid trying to find that hidden Christmas toy in her parent's closet. But what is it I lost?! I know something is missing, something within myself that I gave up at some point and I need it to make mental progress but what?
Tonight in particular I am thinking back on a group of friends I once had (stops to wonder whether those friendships ended or not) and the impact they had on me.
We had all only known each other between a range of 2 - 5 years but in that time we developed some habits and inside jokes which be bounced off one and other. If I had to guess I'd say there were roughly 15 people in this group of friends who also would slip in to sub groups or sometimes even pairs or solitude. I considered all of them my friend even though they probably didn't think the same about me. I always assume that. Anyway, each of them left an impression and sometimes that impression is so strong that I find myself, on nights like this, searching strenuously for saved internet conversations which meant something to me at one time. I miss them for sure but it's something different, something I am trying to recapture that I don't have now.
What am I searching for? Re-connection? I always feel like looking into the past is just a superfluous way of finding answers to the questions I have in the present time; like the past holds something that I once overlooked. I feel like I have lost something between now an then and I am retracing my steps, starting with those friends who made the most impact on me. I still have no idea what I am looking for but I am looking like a kid trying to find that hidden Christmas toy in her parent's closet. But what is it I lost?! I know something is missing, something within myself that I gave up at some point and I need it to make mental progress but what?