Your Horoscope for Today
Just got this at work, thought I'd share it with all of you.
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a Fucking Jerk.
Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and scornful of advice. You do nothing but Piss Off everyone you come in contact with. You are a Prick.
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI and CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general DipShit.
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.
Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a Cheap Bastard. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 21 - July 23)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems; which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a Shit. Everybody in prison is a Cancer.
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thriving Mother-Fuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and coworkers. You are cold, unemotional, and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgo's make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 21)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are male, you are a queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libra's die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 22 - Nov 21)
The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect Son Of A Bitch. Most Scorpio's are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a Worthless Piece of Shit.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risk. You are a basically a Chicken-Shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
Even more horrible things!!!
Q: What's 18 inches long and makes women scream?
A: Crib Death.
Q: What's burnt to death and sits at the top of a staircase?
A: Christopher Reeves
Q: Which doesn't belong -- Rape, Monopoly, Incest?
A: Rape, it's not a family game.
Q: How did you sleep last night?
A: Like a baby....
I crapped myself and woke up every two hours screaming for my mommy.
And, to finish...
So, a baby seal walks into a club...
Bonus: For those chemistry majors:
I took a tuber from a bio-chemically created plant of the nightshade family, sliced it up, exposed it to radiation generated by a chemical reaction, poured upon it a compound which has chlorine as its primary constituent, and then ate it.
What did I eat?