you don't do it on purpose, but you make me shake.
for the five hundred millionth time, i don't care that you like her! i don't even think you're mad at me! i'm just trying to readjust to what it feels like to go from seeing you practically 24/7 to you not wanting to hang out with me at all. to you acting like it pains you to be with me if not under the pretenses of homework. the reason i'm sitting here alone on a friday night. you're telling other people YOU want it to blow over, then let it...you'll notice i'm the one that stayed the same.
in other news, i'm procrastinating as usual. =\
it is very weird for me to not like anyone right now [except for Edward Cullen...sigh...he's fictional]. But to be honest, I don't think I've ever lived my life without a crush or a boyfriend. I am learning how to deal with not thinking of anyone. It's a strange sensation. I'm learning what it's like to just be me. Maybe I'll turn out like one of those strong women that I envy after all. I do harbor some feelings of fear that I will one day be the lady with the cats, but my life is on track in a correct direction, I think.
It's also a learning experience to suddenly have to define myself by the things I enjoy doing. I'm so used to molding to a boyfriend that I have no idea what I like to do. I'm not sure that I really enjoy discussing computers that much, I was just able to pretend like I did in conversation, and I learned enough about them to talk like I knew what I was doing [which, I don't, really...I don't think I could ever honestly troubleshoot a computer]. And as far as the things I learned to like from Will, well, let's just say those things weren't me at all either.
It's almost an empty feeling to feel like the part of your life that should like someone is not liking someone. But like Ally said, in relation to me and her [sorry about the grammar], we're looking for something to happen right now, but we're still so young. And it's funny to hear my own words turned around and fed right back to me. Because I definitely am the first to have advice on things, but when it comes to my own life, I'm like a lost puppy dog. =\
In more exciting news, I am 31 pounds lighter than I was in September. In just 1 pound, I'll have reached my semester goal, a bit early. I worked out today. I am sitting here getting so lost in my loneliness that I'm debating exercising again just for the endorphins. Weird. Haha. I'm just trying to get used to alone time. I'm not sure I've ever had to deal with being quite so alone in my entire life. Hm, well then. Is it obnoxious that I prefer to think of these moments as life lessons??
she doesn't have a flame. she'd prefer to burn out like a torch.
♥ melissa