(no subject)
there's alotta things i say i wanna do, but i don't. maybe it's from pure laziness, or maybe i never really wanted to do that thing to begin with. i just thought the idea sounded nice.
just to put this out there, i think it'd be 'healthy' for me to write in here because i have too much on my mind at one time. basically, i turn to this when i have a revalation, or when i'm depressed, or when i just need to get some things off my chest. i don't wanna hear 'cheer up' or 'omggomgogmo. what's wrong?'. not that i care who reads this, but i'm glad no one really uses lj anymore. atleast none of my personal friends. sometimes i just like to keep things to myself. as much as i tell my friends and spend time with them, everyone needs their specific things/time alone.
i want to stop being so picky+selfish.
i mean, i think i do a lot for other people. i usually put everyone before myself, just because that's how i am. but i've gotten so lazy that i'd rather do something simple that pleases me other than work harder and make other people smile. sometimes i just don't care. which is normal, but idk. that's not me.
actually, add less lazy+nicer.
lazy, i don't think i need to explain. nicerrrrr, to pretty much everyone. specially my boy, but it wouldn't hurt. idkidkidk.
i brought up the love subject, oh boy. can i even call it love? who knows.
all i know is that my boy is mineeeeee. we've been through a lot, even recently it got tough. and i've been pretty stupid. i mean, i had good intentions but they were for myself. we hadn't talked in so long. then we did and even though i could tell he made some changes, i didn't want to believe them. we keep coming back to eachother and it makes me wonder.. do we really have that 'special' connection or are we just too scared to go out and find something new? it's like riding a bike. if you have a bike and you keep it for years, even though you don't use it all the time. you know you'll enjoy riding it. but if you go out looking for a new bike, the questions pop up about if you'll like it, is it right for you, and will it bitch at you around 2 AM when you forget to call? maybe that's not about the bike anymore, but the point is. what makes us.. us?
i'm not sure i even want to find out. i like us, most of the time. and we seem to like eachother. so what's the big deal? no idea. i blame myself for being an idiot. just thinking about him makes me smile.
here's where the selfishness comes in. [[wow, i didn't realize i'd have this much to say. i guess this is what i get for not writing so often.]] i enjoy my boy's company, i really do. even though we argue, we find our way back to that comfortable spot without going through a whole mess of drama. my problem is we don't seem to have enough time for eachother. he's busy with baseball+work, then when he's not busy, he doesn't always get the car. and i spontaneously go out just for the hell of it. but i hate letting him down when we both know we wanna be together, even just for alittle bit. but i don't like just sitting around during those spontaneous times. i'm not saying i need to fuck everything in site, but i get that urge to just cuddle and being around boys a lot of the time doesn't help. cute boys that make me laugh and have a good time.
i need to think of him before myself though. make sacrafices. i can't have everything i want all the time so i'll need to be able to hold myself back from that urge.
just to put this out there, i think it'd be 'healthy' for me to write in here because i have too much on my mind at one time. basically, i turn to this when i have a revalation, or when i'm depressed, or when i just need to get some things off my chest. i don't wanna hear 'cheer up' or 'omggomgogmo. what's wrong?'. not that i care who reads this, but i'm glad no one really uses lj anymore. atleast none of my personal friends. sometimes i just like to keep things to myself. as much as i tell my friends and spend time with them, everyone needs their specific things/time alone.
i want to stop being so picky+selfish.
i mean, i think i do a lot for other people. i usually put everyone before myself, just because that's how i am. but i've gotten so lazy that i'd rather do something simple that pleases me other than work harder and make other people smile. sometimes i just don't care. which is normal, but idk. that's not me.
actually, add less lazy+nicer.
lazy, i don't think i need to explain. nicerrrrr, to pretty much everyone. specially my boy, but it wouldn't hurt. idkidkidk.
i brought up the love subject, oh boy. can i even call it love? who knows.
all i know is that my boy is mineeeeee. we've been through a lot, even recently it got tough. and i've been pretty stupid. i mean, i had good intentions but they were for myself. we hadn't talked in so long. then we did and even though i could tell he made some changes, i didn't want to believe them. we keep coming back to eachother and it makes me wonder.. do we really have that 'special' connection or are we just too scared to go out and find something new? it's like riding a bike. if you have a bike and you keep it for years, even though you don't use it all the time. you know you'll enjoy riding it. but if you go out looking for a new bike, the questions pop up about if you'll like it, is it right for you, and will it bitch at you around 2 AM when you forget to call? maybe that's not about the bike anymore, but the point is. what makes us.. us?
i'm not sure i even want to find out. i like us, most of the time. and we seem to like eachother. so what's the big deal? no idea. i blame myself for being an idiot. just thinking about him makes me smile.
here's where the selfishness comes in. [[wow, i didn't realize i'd have this much to say. i guess this is what i get for not writing so often.]] i enjoy my boy's company, i really do. even though we argue, we find our way back to that comfortable spot without going through a whole mess of drama. my problem is we don't seem to have enough time for eachother. he's busy with baseball+work, then when he's not busy, he doesn't always get the car. and i spontaneously go out just for the hell of it. but i hate letting him down when we both know we wanna be together, even just for alittle bit. but i don't like just sitting around during those spontaneous times. i'm not saying i need to fuck everything in site, but i get that urge to just cuddle and being around boys a lot of the time doesn't help. cute boys that make me laugh and have a good time.
i need to think of him before myself though. make sacrafices. i can't have everything i want all the time so i'll need to be able to hold myself back from that urge.