(no subject)
I'm so confused lately.
I've been exhausted, but restless. I can't sit still for too long, I can't will myself to go to sleep, I've just been racking my brain to come up with excuses to go places, to get out of here for a little bit. There's been this void within me that I try to fill with books, painting, music... but none of it works.
For some reason I've been thinking a lot about the way I am and what got me here. About why I keep doing the same things over and over to myself, getting myself in the same predicaments time after time. Any normal, halfway intelligent person would realize, get hurt once, don't make the same mistake. It's like touching the hot stove when you were little, just to see if it really is that hot, and once you burn your finger you learn to never touch it again. I don't think I have that ability, I'm too easily tempted by what looks dangerously fun, even if I know the outcome might emotionally slaughter me.
That, and a slew of other intricate attachment issues, I think is what leads me back to liking the same kind of person over and over. I've noticed that in my life, they are categorized into two: the ones who be there at the drop of a hat for me, of whom I have little interest in, but it's nice to know at least someone cares, and then the rare ones, the ones who are seemingly perfect in every way, who will never, ever care for me the way I wish... the ones that really do kill me.
Things were getting better. I was starting to occupy my mind with other things, telling myself I was too busy to think about it, too busy to care anymore. Then I had one of those stupid, stupid dreams... where everything is perfect, and you wake up wanting to cry because you'd been so close, but you watched yourself meticulously destroy everything.
Now I know what this void is. It's the space in my mind where there lies no more comfort, no more hope, no more silly aspirations. For the past several months, this took up so much of my thinking time. When the busy thoughts fizzled out, I could return to my comfy little place and dream about how everything might just work out. But that has been replaced with nothing but the truth, and all the hurtful realizations. It's like the light has been turned off in my cozy little nook, and now it's just the dark back corner no one dares travel to. And I don't think I'll ever feel quite the same until I find, yet again, someone else to keep back there...
I've been exhausted, but restless. I can't sit still for too long, I can't will myself to go to sleep, I've just been racking my brain to come up with excuses to go places, to get out of here for a little bit. There's been this void within me that I try to fill with books, painting, music... but none of it works.
For some reason I've been thinking a lot about the way I am and what got me here. About why I keep doing the same things over and over to myself, getting myself in the same predicaments time after time. Any normal, halfway intelligent person would realize, get hurt once, don't make the same mistake. It's like touching the hot stove when you were little, just to see if it really is that hot, and once you burn your finger you learn to never touch it again. I don't think I have that ability, I'm too easily tempted by what looks dangerously fun, even if I know the outcome might emotionally slaughter me.
That, and a slew of other intricate attachment issues, I think is what leads me back to liking the same kind of person over and over. I've noticed that in my life, they are categorized into two: the ones who be there at the drop of a hat for me, of whom I have little interest in, but it's nice to know at least someone cares, and then the rare ones, the ones who are seemingly perfect in every way, who will never, ever care for me the way I wish... the ones that really do kill me.
Things were getting better. I was starting to occupy my mind with other things, telling myself I was too busy to think about it, too busy to care anymore. Then I had one of those stupid, stupid dreams... where everything is perfect, and you wake up wanting to cry because you'd been so close, but you watched yourself meticulously destroy everything.
Now I know what this void is. It's the space in my mind where there lies no more comfort, no more hope, no more silly aspirations. For the past several months, this took up so much of my thinking time. When the busy thoughts fizzled out, I could return to my comfy little place and dream about how everything might just work out. But that has been replaced with nothing but the truth, and all the hurtful realizations. It's like the light has been turned off in my cozy little nook, and now it's just the dark back corner no one dares travel to. And I don't think I'll ever feel quite the same until I find, yet again, someone else to keep back there...