(no subject)
I'm such an idiot.
I feel like I've been lying to myself for months and months on end, trying to believe that somewhere, somehow, there is still a bit of hope. I thought that if I told myself enough times that things would work out, then maybe they really would.
But it's only now, a little more than half a year later, that I realize all my dreams were exactly what they were... just dreams. And again I've allowed my wandering mind to shun out all logic and reasoning, and only function by being blinded from all my silly aspirations.
Who was I kidding? Did I actually think I had a chance? I can't believe I pride myself on being "smart" and "ahead of the game" when it comes to these sorts of things, because in reality I'm just as behind as any other clueless girl waiting for the phone to ring when she knows it never will.
I hate that what I want brings such a vulnerability. It's like having a crush completely blockades any sort of reasonable thought, and only lets through the completely ridiculous ones... that in your heart you KNOW will never come true, but so they say, it never hurts to dream, right?
Well I've learned in the past few months that it does hurt, in fact, dreaming has never done anything but hurt me, time and time again.
I want to be done so bad. I can write all this, I can say all this, but I still can't give up and it's starting to drive me insane.
I'm such an idiot...
I feel like I've been lying to myself for months and months on end, trying to believe that somewhere, somehow, there is still a bit of hope. I thought that if I told myself enough times that things would work out, then maybe they really would.
But it's only now, a little more than half a year later, that I realize all my dreams were exactly what they were... just dreams. And again I've allowed my wandering mind to shun out all logic and reasoning, and only function by being blinded from all my silly aspirations.
Who was I kidding? Did I actually think I had a chance? I can't believe I pride myself on being "smart" and "ahead of the game" when it comes to these sorts of things, because in reality I'm just as behind as any other clueless girl waiting for the phone to ring when she knows it never will.
I hate that what I want brings such a vulnerability. It's like having a crush completely blockades any sort of reasonable thought, and only lets through the completely ridiculous ones... that in your heart you KNOW will never come true, but so they say, it never hurts to dream, right?
Well I've learned in the past few months that it does hurt, in fact, dreaming has never done anything but hurt me, time and time again.
I want to be done so bad. I can write all this, I can say all this, but I still can't give up and it's starting to drive me insane.
I'm such an idiot...