(no subject)
June 22nd, 2009
"This kid is seriously amazing. He's so talented, both with music and photography, and he has so much drive and ambition. He's very passionate about things in life, and gets excited in the geekiest way. I feel so comfortable with him, there's no awkwardness at all, and he does so many things to make me feel amazing! He has a great familiy connection, its so similar to how close my family is. He's a great cuddler...and kisser. And seriously, I think I spent more time talking to him over a phone then I did talking to my bf in the past week...maybe 2. I'm so completely selfish, on so many levels."
Nearly a year ago, i made that private post about a kid who i thought i really liked. I'd known this kid for a long time, but we were never particularly close... just kind of saw each other here and there. And then we started talking a lot more frequently. I had a boyfriend at the time, but there was something about this kid that drew me in, and at times made me forget... or maybe not care. Towards the middle of my relationship with a boy who i knew I had no future with, this kid kissed me. I let him. It was nothing. A few months later, I drunkenly threw myself at him. A few days later we hooked up... we didn't have sex, but we might as well have. I made that post around that time. It messed with my head. I wanted him. I was confused, because unlike a lot of people my age... physical contact of that kind meant something to me. We briefly discussed what happened, but it was chalked up to just an in the moment thing... meaning nothing. To one of us at least. Over the next few months we talked from time to time, but that as it.
Cut to a few months ago. I no longer had a boyfriend, and this kid resurfaced in my life. I shouldn't have let anything happen. But being the dumb, naive girl that i am, i did. For a few months, we hung out on a frequent basis. He would say the cutest things, and for a while there i was stupid enough to think that something may come out of our late nights spring fling.
"I hope to god I mean a little more than the sounds that escape your tired 4 A.M. lips
Oh-how I wish I meant a little more than a symphony of heavy breathing and the friction of hips
Yes, it's true
You've brainwashed me and now I'm more confused
I still somehow hope I end up with you
Yes, it's true
I romanticize every single thing I do
especially when it comes to you"
-The Spill Canvas "Himerus and Eros"
Then one night, before he left my apartment we had a conversation... perhaps a farewell to the physical relationship that we had.
"isn't it funny, how we just started sleeping together and have never really talked about it. i really hope you don't end up hating me or something because of this. what can i do so you won't hate me. even if you do, im still gonna come hang out, ill make you let me in... knocking on your door until you do"
Maybe that was the point that it clicked, that things weren't going to end up how i day dreamed them to be. Maybe I started acting distant or awkward, because i knew this. Maybe that was when things changed. Maybe, Maybe not.
Its been a few weeks now, we barely talk anymore. Trying to understand this has been hard, because I've never been one to deal with things, especially when it involves confronting my thoughts... or worse, other people. For a while I spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that i didn't care that I'd become the girl who is good enough to fuck... but not good enough to give himself to. I was sure that I could use him, just as well as he was using me. Now, I'm having a hard time convincing myself that I don't care. That I'm over him. I'll say things, like "its okay. why would i want someone who doesn't want me. hes a good friend, and im happy that hes still in my life, even if its not the way i had wanted him to be"
but the truth is, every time i see him its going to sting. every time i read about all of the "pretty girls" that hes hanging out with, im going to feel like the most disgusting person in this universe. and that i feel more broken heart-ed over "losing" someone, who was never really mine to begin with.
I think its time to let go. I deserve that. It is just going to take a lot of time, and a lot of tears.
I'm such an idiot.
"This kid is seriously amazing. He's so talented, both with music and photography, and he has so much drive and ambition. He's very passionate about things in life, and gets excited in the geekiest way. I feel so comfortable with him, there's no awkwardness at all, and he does so many things to make me feel amazing! He has a great familiy connection, its so similar to how close my family is. He's a great cuddler...and kisser. And seriously, I think I spent more time talking to him over a phone then I did talking to my bf in the past week...maybe 2. I'm so completely selfish, on so many levels."
Nearly a year ago, i made that private post about a kid who i thought i really liked. I'd known this kid for a long time, but we were never particularly close... just kind of saw each other here and there. And then we started talking a lot more frequently. I had a boyfriend at the time, but there was something about this kid that drew me in, and at times made me forget... or maybe not care. Towards the middle of my relationship with a boy who i knew I had no future with, this kid kissed me. I let him. It was nothing. A few months later, I drunkenly threw myself at him. A few days later we hooked up... we didn't have sex, but we might as well have. I made that post around that time. It messed with my head. I wanted him. I was confused, because unlike a lot of people my age... physical contact of that kind meant something to me. We briefly discussed what happened, but it was chalked up to just an in the moment thing... meaning nothing. To one of us at least. Over the next few months we talked from time to time, but that as it.
Cut to a few months ago. I no longer had a boyfriend, and this kid resurfaced in my life. I shouldn't have let anything happen. But being the dumb, naive girl that i am, i did. For a few months, we hung out on a frequent basis. He would say the cutest things, and for a while there i was stupid enough to think that something may come out of our late nights spring fling.
"I hope to god I mean a little more than the sounds that escape your tired 4 A.M. lips
Oh-how I wish I meant a little more than a symphony of heavy breathing and the friction of hips
Yes, it's true
You've brainwashed me and now I'm more confused
I still somehow hope I end up with you
Yes, it's true
I romanticize every single thing I do
especially when it comes to you"
-The Spill Canvas "Himerus and Eros"
Then one night, before he left my apartment we had a conversation... perhaps a farewell to the physical relationship that we had.
"isn't it funny, how we just started sleeping together and have never really talked about it. i really hope you don't end up hating me or something because of this. what can i do so you won't hate me. even if you do, im still gonna come hang out, ill make you let me in... knocking on your door until you do"
Maybe that was the point that it clicked, that things weren't going to end up how i day dreamed them to be. Maybe I started acting distant or awkward, because i knew this. Maybe that was when things changed. Maybe, Maybe not.
Its been a few weeks now, we barely talk anymore. Trying to understand this has been hard, because I've never been one to deal with things, especially when it involves confronting my thoughts... or worse, other people. For a while I spent a lot of time trying to convince myself that i didn't care that I'd become the girl who is good enough to fuck... but not good enough to give himself to. I was sure that I could use him, just as well as he was using me. Now, I'm having a hard time convincing myself that I don't care. That I'm over him. I'll say things, like "its okay. why would i want someone who doesn't want me. hes a good friend, and im happy that hes still in my life, even if its not the way i had wanted him to be"
but the truth is, every time i see him its going to sting. every time i read about all of the "pretty girls" that hes hanging out with, im going to feel like the most disgusting person in this universe. and that i feel more broken heart-ed over "losing" someone, who was never really mine to begin with.
I think its time to let go. I deserve that. It is just going to take a lot of time, and a lot of tears.
I'm such an idiot.