beauty in the breakdown....
gosh my life is just at a freakin standstill right now. i hate that....ive been so depressed this week. and ive been just blah and mean and blocking out to everyone around me and they ask me wahts wrong with me and i have no answers... cause i dont know. i mean i do, but not exactly. i just cant stand not knowing, waiting for something to happen, being still....ive fucked so much shit up it just sucks.
i want my old job back at the studio... sami told val that eventually she would have given the whole studio to me if i would have kept playing my cards right... do u know how shocking and traumatizing that is to hear that i threw something that huge down the drain? now i feel like shit... so vals been talking to sami about getting me back, sami said she wants to, cause she knows its a big loss not having me there, but she doesnt know if she can trust me after i left etc... which is understandable, but it sucks. im freakin 21, i make mistakes. my problem is i make all my decisions based on my emotions. i quit when i was feeling angry and frustrated. im impulsive. i do waht i feel, when i feel it, thats it. its always been how i am, but lately it seems to not work so great. ive just totally been dwelling on the fact that the studio could have been mine. besides missing the kids a bunch, that really kills me.... and then i turned down the cruiseline job cause of jackie and my commitment i had with her and her parents, and then all of a sudden her dad cant pay me anytime soon, so im broke and just working for tara isnt gonna cut it. i cant trust anyone.... her mom straight up looked me in the eye and said "dont let us down" when i had my meeting with her, so i made a commitment htat i was not going to let them down and stick to my plan, in doing so i gave up working for the cruise which has been basically my life long dream( i mean they still have my name on the list and i can reaudition in like 6 months) but still the point is i gave up something i wanted so bad cause i was doing the responsible thing and sticking to my word for once, and where did it get me? people suck big time.... and to top off all this stress i still dont get to see jim for two more weeks,so that just makes me be a punk to him, cause i get so frustrated when i cant see him. it sucks to want to freakin just be with him and just be in his arms and i cant for 2 weeks!??/ thats ridiculous. and then i feel like a big fat cow too. im not eating for the rest of the weekend! have to babysit all day tomorrow anyways, so i can do it. no more fatness. i hate fat! ahhhhh ughhhhh. ok im going to bed.
i want my old job back at the studio... sami told val that eventually she would have given the whole studio to me if i would have kept playing my cards right... do u know how shocking and traumatizing that is to hear that i threw something that huge down the drain? now i feel like shit... so vals been talking to sami about getting me back, sami said she wants to, cause she knows its a big loss not having me there, but she doesnt know if she can trust me after i left etc... which is understandable, but it sucks. im freakin 21, i make mistakes. my problem is i make all my decisions based on my emotions. i quit when i was feeling angry and frustrated. im impulsive. i do waht i feel, when i feel it, thats it. its always been how i am, but lately it seems to not work so great. ive just totally been dwelling on the fact that the studio could have been mine. besides missing the kids a bunch, that really kills me.... and then i turned down the cruiseline job cause of jackie and my commitment i had with her and her parents, and then all of a sudden her dad cant pay me anytime soon, so im broke and just working for tara isnt gonna cut it. i cant trust anyone.... her mom straight up looked me in the eye and said "dont let us down" when i had my meeting with her, so i made a commitment htat i was not going to let them down and stick to my plan, in doing so i gave up working for the cruise which has been basically my life long dream( i mean they still have my name on the list and i can reaudition in like 6 months) but still the point is i gave up something i wanted so bad cause i was doing the responsible thing and sticking to my word for once, and where did it get me? people suck big time.... and to top off all this stress i still dont get to see jim for two more weeks,so that just makes me be a punk to him, cause i get so frustrated when i cant see him. it sucks to want to freakin just be with him and just be in his arms and i cant for 2 weeks!??/ thats ridiculous. and then i feel like a big fat cow too. im not eating for the rest of the weekend! have to babysit all day tomorrow anyways, so i can do it. no more fatness. i hate fat! ahhhhh ughhhhh. ok im going to bed.