Really, I'm just a coward.
I told Leni I was abstractedly terrfied of this evening. She asked why but it still holds true. It's hard to explain what I mean by abstractedly terrfied. The adbstractedly is the important word. It's like, if I'm excited it has to have a downside and the terrified is that. The fear of the unknown, that I'm going to make a fool of myself, that I'm not going to be liked, is what terrfies me and haunts me everytime I think I look good or want to have a good time while drinking.