Fic: Never Meant to Suffer Alone.
Title: Never Meant to Suffer Alone
Disclaimer: I don't own em.
Rating: PG-13-ish
Warnings: Talk of death, Canonical Character Death. Spoilers for The Quarterback
Word count: 1,183
Summary: Kurt was trying to keep himself together and take care of the others the only way he knew how.
A/N: I tuned in to watch the Quarterback. It was struck by how together and hallowed out Kurt appeared through most of it. Having just recently suffered a hard loss of my own, I felt the need to do this.
Kurt is just trying to keep himself together. He’s trying to keep himself and his family together, because he honestly doesn’t know what else to do. He can’t bring Finn back, but he can try and keep from losing the others to their grief.
They go through his belongings. He remembers doing it with his mother as well. He curls against Carole when she broke down sobbing and when she accepts him into her arms, and his dad’s arms curl around them both, Kurt knew it wasn’t going to make it easier, but maybe it was something to help her get through. He would stay with her for as long as she wanted him there. Eventually, they abandon the efforts for one night. His dad eventually dozes off in the recliner, but Kurt stays up all night with Carole, telling her anything even remotely funny that he can remember about Finn.
He gave Santana the jacket, though honestly he would have liked to have kept it, he feels like she needs it more. He drapes it over her shoulders and left as she asked. He made a silent vow to keep an eye on her, because Santana didn’t break down, not like that. It just went to show just how deep she was feeling this loss. He’d make sure to be available if she needed him.
He holds Rachel’s hand when she arrives. There’s nothing else he can do for her. It’s a little surreal, if he’s completely honest. When she sings, he gently touches Mercedes shoulder. Then reaches over and takes Blaine’s hand, but neither can see one another particular well due to the film of tears they both have. Her pain was tangible, and no one knew what to say in all honesty. They talk about Finn, what else can they talk about?
He manages to find something to give to Puck, because while he might not have been willing to give him Finn’s jacket, he did think he should have something. He finds small treasures of Finn for each of his friends, something he knows they will appreciate more than some random strange. And they do appreciate the small tokens that remind them of their friend.
Kurt hasn’t really mourned. Not really, sure he’d cried sporadically, but he was fairly certain he hadn’t actually allowed himself the time to accept that his brother was gone. He had been busy trying to make sure what family he did have didn’t fall apart around him, so he just stomped viciously down on the feelings of anger and remorse and the occasional violent surge of agony. He can deal with that on his own time.
Finn’s loss tore a giant gash in their lives and Kurt was trying so desperately to keep it closed. He didn’t have much, and what he did have was being threatened by the loss of their keystone. So Kurt keeps it as together as he possibly can, for them.
It hits him hard a day before they were supposed to head their separate ways again. He sits in the rehearsal room with Mercedes, Mike, Puck, and Santana, as they exchange stories about Finn. He has so many memories of Finn, and this room, and suddenly it hits. His chest feels like it’s going to explode it hurts so bad. This time, he can’t squash it down, it’s bubbling up to the surface, and he can’t stop it. He can’t see, and everything is blurry and blank. All he can think about is how it’s not fair, how it hurts, and why did it have to be Finn? Someone makes a strange noise he can’t place, but he bends over his legs slightly in an attempt to alleviate the pain in his chest instead of checking for the source of the sound.
Someone’s hand is on his shoulder, the hand squeezes, but it’s not painful. It takes him a few moments to come to the realization that Puck’s hand is on his shoulder, and it’s an attempt at comfort. Kurt doesn’t understand why. Mike drapes himself across his back in a hug, and it isn’t until Mercedes and Santana flank him on either side that he realizes he made that sound.
A keening wail of sheer pain and loss.
Mike tightens his hold and Kurt can feel his cheek pressed between his shoulder blades. He is acutely aware of the feeling of Puck’s hand on his shoulder, reflexively squeezing. He can hear Mercedes’ voice, but he can’t make out the words, and he feels Santana’s finger nails curl against the palm of his hand. He only hopes Rachel doesn’t stumble upon them like this.
Part of him feels guilty, but it’s not until Mike’s voice actually reverberates through his back that he understands that they’re telling him it’s ok.
They all lost someone, including him. He needed to mourn for Finn. He couldn’t keep putting it off, the feelings were too overwhelming. He’s lost his brother, and it hurts. So he allows himself to break down, and he allows his friends to bear witness as well. He brings the hand that’s not being held by Santana up to Mike’s arm and clutches at it, like he needs the reassurance he won’t leave. Mercedes hand finds its way to his knee and he wonders if they were waiting for this. Mercedes knew him well, she wasn’t a stupid girl, she may have been waiting for the fallout.
So he cries.
He cries for Finn’s short life, he cries for Carole’s lifetime of pain, he cries for his dad’s regrets, and he cries for his friends’ pain. He cries for himself, because he lost his brother. The whole time, he’s friends hang on, and let him. The wet spot he feels between his shoulders means that either Mike is crying, or drooling, he finds it more likely that he’s crying. Puck’s hand never releases, and he can actually hear Mercedes sniffling.
Once he manages to calm down, and feels like he can breathe a little better, that agony in his chest subsides some. He managed to straighten a little and Mike’s weight disappears from his back. He wipes his face and attempts to apologize, when Santana cuts him off.
“Don’t.” It’s a simple command, but he follows it.
Mike’s weight reappearance on his back and Puck wraps his arm around Mike’s back and part of Kurt’s arm. Mercedes and Santana wedge in to, and as Kurt allows himself to be the center of a group hug he realizes how much he actually needed this. How much he had needed to let them help him, and not the other way around.
He knows they’ll help each other pull through. They aren’t alone, they each hurt, and they’ll be there for each other when one falls, this proves it.
Kurt hates that this is life now. That he has to adjust to life without his brother, that they all have to adjust to life without Finn. He hates it, but at least he understands now that he doesn’t have to hate it alone.
Disclaimer: I don't own em.
Rating: PG-13-ish
Warnings: Talk of death, Canonical Character Death. Spoilers for The Quarterback
Word count: 1,183
Summary: Kurt was trying to keep himself together and take care of the others the only way he knew how.
A/N: I tuned in to watch the Quarterback. It was struck by how together and hallowed out Kurt appeared through most of it. Having just recently suffered a hard loss of my own, I felt the need to do this.
Kurt is just trying to keep himself together. He’s trying to keep himself and his family together, because he honestly doesn’t know what else to do. He can’t bring Finn back, but he can try and keep from losing the others to their grief.
They go through his belongings. He remembers doing it with his mother as well. He curls against Carole when she broke down sobbing and when she accepts him into her arms, and his dad’s arms curl around them both, Kurt knew it wasn’t going to make it easier, but maybe it was something to help her get through. He would stay with her for as long as she wanted him there. Eventually, they abandon the efforts for one night. His dad eventually dozes off in the recliner, but Kurt stays up all night with Carole, telling her anything even remotely funny that he can remember about Finn.
He gave Santana the jacket, though honestly he would have liked to have kept it, he feels like she needs it more. He drapes it over her shoulders and left as she asked. He made a silent vow to keep an eye on her, because Santana didn’t break down, not like that. It just went to show just how deep she was feeling this loss. He’d make sure to be available if she needed him.
He holds Rachel’s hand when she arrives. There’s nothing else he can do for her. It’s a little surreal, if he’s completely honest. When she sings, he gently touches Mercedes shoulder. Then reaches over and takes Blaine’s hand, but neither can see one another particular well due to the film of tears they both have. Her pain was tangible, and no one knew what to say in all honesty. They talk about Finn, what else can they talk about?
He manages to find something to give to Puck, because while he might not have been willing to give him Finn’s jacket, he did think he should have something. He finds small treasures of Finn for each of his friends, something he knows they will appreciate more than some random strange. And they do appreciate the small tokens that remind them of their friend.
Kurt hasn’t really mourned. Not really, sure he’d cried sporadically, but he was fairly certain he hadn’t actually allowed himself the time to accept that his brother was gone. He had been busy trying to make sure what family he did have didn’t fall apart around him, so he just stomped viciously down on the feelings of anger and remorse and the occasional violent surge of agony. He can deal with that on his own time.
Finn’s loss tore a giant gash in their lives and Kurt was trying so desperately to keep it closed. He didn’t have much, and what he did have was being threatened by the loss of their keystone. So Kurt keeps it as together as he possibly can, for them.
It hits him hard a day before they were supposed to head their separate ways again. He sits in the rehearsal room with Mercedes, Mike, Puck, and Santana, as they exchange stories about Finn. He has so many memories of Finn, and this room, and suddenly it hits. His chest feels like it’s going to explode it hurts so bad. This time, he can’t squash it down, it’s bubbling up to the surface, and he can’t stop it. He can’t see, and everything is blurry and blank. All he can think about is how it’s not fair, how it hurts, and why did it have to be Finn? Someone makes a strange noise he can’t place, but he bends over his legs slightly in an attempt to alleviate the pain in his chest instead of checking for the source of the sound.
Someone’s hand is on his shoulder, the hand squeezes, but it’s not painful. It takes him a few moments to come to the realization that Puck’s hand is on his shoulder, and it’s an attempt at comfort. Kurt doesn’t understand why. Mike drapes himself across his back in a hug, and it isn’t until Mercedes and Santana flank him on either side that he realizes he made that sound.
A keening wail of sheer pain and loss.
Mike tightens his hold and Kurt can feel his cheek pressed between his shoulder blades. He is acutely aware of the feeling of Puck’s hand on his shoulder, reflexively squeezing. He can hear Mercedes’ voice, but he can’t make out the words, and he feels Santana’s finger nails curl against the palm of his hand. He only hopes Rachel doesn’t stumble upon them like this.
Part of him feels guilty, but it’s not until Mike’s voice actually reverberates through his back that he understands that they’re telling him it’s ok.
They all lost someone, including him. He needed to mourn for Finn. He couldn’t keep putting it off, the feelings were too overwhelming. He’s lost his brother, and it hurts. So he allows himself to break down, and he allows his friends to bear witness as well. He brings the hand that’s not being held by Santana up to Mike’s arm and clutches at it, like he needs the reassurance he won’t leave. Mercedes hand finds its way to his knee and he wonders if they were waiting for this. Mercedes knew him well, she wasn’t a stupid girl, she may have been waiting for the fallout.
So he cries.
He cries for Finn’s short life, he cries for Carole’s lifetime of pain, he cries for his dad’s regrets, and he cries for his friends’ pain. He cries for himself, because he lost his brother. The whole time, he’s friends hang on, and let him. The wet spot he feels between his shoulders means that either Mike is crying, or drooling, he finds it more likely that he’s crying. Puck’s hand never releases, and he can actually hear Mercedes sniffling.
Once he manages to calm down, and feels like he can breathe a little better, that agony in his chest subsides some. He managed to straighten a little and Mike’s weight disappears from his back. He wipes his face and attempts to apologize, when Santana cuts him off.
“Don’t.” It’s a simple command, but he follows it.
Mike’s weight reappearance on his back and Puck wraps his arm around Mike’s back and part of Kurt’s arm. Mercedes and Santana wedge in to, and as Kurt allows himself to be the center of a group hug he realizes how much he actually needed this. How much he had needed to let them help him, and not the other way around.
He knows they’ll help each other pull through. They aren’t alone, they each hurt, and they’ll be there for each other when one falls, this proves it.
Kurt hates that this is life now. That he has to adjust to life without his brother, that they all have to adjust to life without Finn. He hates it, but at least he understands now that he doesn’t have to hate it alone.