Fic: Five Times Kurt Thought about Suicide (And one time he Attempted it)
Title: 5 Times Kurt thought about Suicide, and One time he Attempted it.
Disclaimer: I don't own em,if I did it would probably have to be on another channel.
Rating: R-ish for Subject Matter
Warnings: Suicide attempt, talk of it, subject matter, angst.
Characters: Kurt, Burt, Finn, Carole, Mentions of some of the glee club kids.
Word count: 4,019
Spoilers: All the way through Duets.
Summary: Five times Kurt thought about suicide and on time he attempted it.
A/N: Written for sj_r to fill This prompt over at the glee_angst_meme
1.
Kurt was nine when he realized that he had spent one long year away from his mother and he really wasn’t sure if he could do it anymore. His father tried, bless his father, he tried so damn hard. It couldn’t be easy on him, trying to run a business and take care of his son single handedly, but Kurt wasn’t trying to make things difficult on him either. In fact, Kurt had taken over most of the household chores and does nearly all the cooking now. He’s still only nine though, and he doesn’t always understand why he had to happen to their family.
It‘s been a year, and it‘s the first mother‘s day without her, he realized that as he rolled out of bed. His father sat despondently on the sofa, and he wouldn’t respond to any of Kurt’s prompting to get up and do something. Kurt just ended up in the kitchen, making a light meal and leaving it in front of his father on the off chance he may actually eat something that day. Instead, he went down stairs and ripped up the mother’s day card that his teacher insisted he make, even though he had informed her that his mother had died. His teacher had seemed startled, but then told him to make one for her anyway. He guessed it was supposed to be therapeutic or something.
It wasn’t.
All it did was re-enforce the painful reminder that his mother was gone. The most annoying girl in his glass had decided to sit with him as they made cards. She informed him she didn’t have a mother either, and that they shouldn’t be forced to do this assignment. He had nodded, hoping she would just be quiet. She wasn’t. As she continued to regale him with the fact that she didn’t have a mother because of her two dads, Kurt couldn’t help but feel a little bitter. At least Rachel still had two parents. He just let her talk, and made the card, maybe he’d take it to the cemetery or something.
He knew there would be no trip to her grave today, and as much as he just wanted his dad to talk to him, he knew he was grieving as well. Sometimes Kurt wondered how something like that could happen. How if some all powerful being existed, he could have taken his mother and destroyed his father in the process. He spent three hours in his room, absently shredding the card until nothings left but tiny pieces of confetti. He cried until his eyes hurt and he’s pretty sure he’s dehydrated.
He wanted to be with his mom.
He thinks about how hard it would be to keep going like this, and how maybe it would be better if he died too. His dad would have one less thing to worry about at least. He’s starting to consider the option a little more seriously. They had enough in the house that he could do it. He forcefully makes himself stop thinking along those lines. His dad needed him, he may not say so in so many words, but Kurt knew it to be true. He hated himself a little bit, at how selfish he was for a few moments. Moments of weakness that he wouldn’t ever speak off again.
Instead, he took a few moments to clean himself up, and trudged back upstairs.
2.
Kurt’s eleventh birthday came and went without so much as a single happy birthday. His mother never would have forgotten. He knew his dad was under a lot of pressure, he’s trying to open another garage, and Kurt understood that. Or at least that’s what he kept telling himself. It wasn’t as if his dad just didn’t acknowledge his birthday, he’d forgotten right? Still, it hurt that his dad forgot his birthday. He didn’t mention it though; he didn’t want his dad to feel bad or anything.
A few more days went by, and still nothing. Kurt didn’t want to bring it up, he was starting to get a really unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach that his forgotten birthday may have less to do with his dad being busy and more to do with it being his birthday. He watched with a forced smile as his father told him he would be back later that night; he was going out for Jim’s birthday. Kurt had to really work not to recoil. His dad headed out for the evening and Kurt found himself wandering aimlessly around his house trying to figure out what to do with himself now.
It hurts that his dad could remember his friend’s birthday but not his own son’s.
Kurt desperately tried to rationalize it in his head. Find a way to somehow make it ok. Burt had known Jim for all his life; surely, he’d know when his birthday was. But, he’d known Kurt for eleven years too, and by that thinking he should know when his birthday was too. In an attempt to distract himself, Kurt began to tidy up a little. It wasn’t until he wound up in the garage tidying up around boxes and straightening does he realize just how awful he actually felt.
Then he saw a box of his mother’s things, and before he really had time to process what happened, he was sitting on the floor, in tears, going through the box. He came to the conclusion after half an hour that his dad just didn’t care anymore. Which, Kurt could kind of understand, he didn’t really care anymore either. The only thing that had really kept Kurt hanging on in the past couple years was his dad. The bullying had gotten worse, and if it hadn’t been for his dad, Kurt wasn’t sure what he’d have done, even though he tried to keep the majority of it from him.
He’s sitting in the middle of the garage floor, not caring if he’s getting his pants dirty holding a tightly bound coil of rope, when he heard someone ring the doorbell. He considered ignoring it, but it rang twice more in succession and he quickly put the box and rope back where he found them before making his way inside. He glanced out of the peephole and was rather surprised to find his neighbor and her mother standing on the porch. He pulled open the door and offered the Pierce’s a hesitant smile.
“Hello Mrs. Pierce, Brittany.”
“Hi sweetie, is your dad around?” Mrs. Pierce asked and Kurt shook his head, quickly explaining that his dad had gone out to dinner with a friend. When Brittany seemed to realize that meant Kurt was alone, she invited him to dinner. He was about to decline, not wanting to be a bother on Mrs. Pierce, but she quickly agreed, pulling out her cell phone to give Burt a ring and tell him what the plan was. Kurt cast a glance back towards the garage, but seeing how thrilled Brittany looks at the idea of his company, he knew he’d much rather spend the evening with them.
The next morning his dad woke him up early, nearly in tears. Seemed that Jim had reminded him of Kurt’s birthday. He promised it would never, ever, happen again. Kurt wasn’t sure if he believed him.
3.
The first time the bullying went too far, Kurt was thirteen.
He came home hours late, bloody and panicked, and his dad was angry that he’d never show up at the shop. Until he turned around and actually saw the state his son was in. Then it was just anger and yelling and promises of killing the little bastards who did this. Kurt knew they were just empty words, but he was so tired of hearing promises of things getting better and they never actually got better. He was tired of being called homophobic names; he was tired of being shoved into things and pushed around. He was tired of no one caring that these things were happening.
The next morning, his father did in fact go down to the school.
It did nothing but make things worse.
So Kurt started to keep silent, and he began to hide the evidence. When he came home covered in garbage he disposed of the jacket quickly. Which hurt because he loved that jacket. Still, it was a little too hard to cover the massive black eye and split lip. His father had ranted and railed and there was something in his tone where Kurt just knew he blamed him for it. That if Kurt didn’t stick out so much, if he didn’t make himself such an easy target it wouldn’t be like this.
His mother had always told him to never conform to anything other than who he was, and he’d be damned if he started doing that now. Still it hurt to see the way his dad looked at him. In that helpless way that he had. The one that screamed, how can I help you if you won’t help yourself. Kurt hated that look. He started spending more and more time in his room, and after a particularly bad day, he began to wonder how this could possibly be worth it.
How could his being on the planet be good if so many people were telling him it wasn’t? Being left alone to his own devices for so long Kurt’s mind began to stray into dangerous territory. He was becoming more and more worried about the violence of the bullying and the careless way he was treated. He knew what happened to kids like him in towns like Lima. It was why he had been so terrified when he realized. He wasn’t even sure how he would break the news to his dad if he ever even would.
His dad was a man’s man, a real guy; he surely wouldn’t want a fag for a son.
He could stop it before it got that far.
It’s one of the nights his dad worked late at the garage that Kurt found himself in his dad’s room sitting on the bed with his gun on the bed in front of him as well as a bullet. It would only take one. He actually jumped when his cell phone vibrated against his thigh. He let out a nervous laugh and fished his phone out before looking at the text message.
Artie wanted him to come over and watch movies with him.
He’d started talking to Artie after the wheel bound boy stayed behind to make sure he actually was ok after being slammed into the lockers. Kurt found he liked the other boy, even if he really wanted to go after his unfortunate suspender collection with a lighter. Kurt hesitated for a moment, before quickly storing the gun and bullet back where he found them and assuring Artie he’d be there in ten minutes.
4.
The first time someone had vandalized their house badly enough that it warranted a call to the police, Kurt was sixteen and he‘d just blown the diva off. Not only had someone blown out their living room windows, but someone had taken the time to spray paint FAG in bright red spray paint across the side of the house. Sure, there was the lawn furniture incident, but Kurt had managed to convince his dad not to press charges and to his knowledge, his dad didn’t even know about the pee balloon incident.
This though, this wasn’t the work of idiots like Noah Puckerman and merry band of miscreants. No, this was something else entirely. The police came and went, asking questions that clearly implied that if Kurt wasn’t himself, maybe things would be different. His father had gotten angry, but when the police left, he’d shot Kurt this look. This disappointed flash that made Kurt feel so damn guilty. Like somehow he had done something to warrant this kind of torment.
Silently they started to work. His father had started to repair the windows and Kurt tried to scrub the hateful word off the side of his house. His dad didn’t deserve this. He shouldn’t have his home vandalized because his son was a big flaming homo. Kurt tried to blink the tears away before he continued scrubbing in rough precise motions. It was like trying to clean off his locker when hateful words were spray painted there. They worked until it was dark, before heading inside. They would have to continue working on it in the morning.
“Maybe tomorrow you could just wear jeans and a t-shirt.” It really wasn’t so much a suggestion as it was his father telling him that’s what he would be expected to wear. It hurts to know that his dad does in fact blame him. He may deny it, promise he accepts his son, but part of him will always regret not having a “normal” son. Kurt knows it, and no matter how much he wants to deny it, he knows it’s the truth. He’ll live with it, no matter how much it hurts.
After a silent, tense dinner, Kurt quickly retreated to his room. He had given up the solo he really wanted for his dad, in hope that this wouldn’t get worse. It did, and it didn’t seem worth the sacrifice now. He sat on his bed, fiddling with the hilt of the knife he held loosely in his hands. He could remember this one time in biology, he had accidentally cut himself on the scalpel they were using and it had been so sharp he hadn’t really even felt it. Tina had told him that when blades were sharp enough you really hurt yourself without even knowing it. He had been concerned for her; until she tacked on she knew that because she nearly cut her finger off last year.
It was a sobering thought really. That he could drag the knife across his wrists and if the blade was sharp enough he wouldn’t even feel it until he started bleeding. He probably wouldn’t even suffer that much, and he‘s sure things would be so much easier on those around him. He’s thinking about that, the weight of the blade in his hand before his dad’s steps coming down the stairs snap him out of it, and he shoved the blade back into the drawer on his nightstand.
His dad silently made his way over and dropped down on the bed next to him, pulling his son to him to wrap him up in warm embrace. Kurt melted into it a little, because he kind of really needed that hug. It took him a moment to realize that his dad was murmuring reassurances telling him that everything would be ok, and that it wasn’t his fault. Kurt knows his dad is only trying to make him feel better.
Then his dad murmured apologizes for taking it out on him and something about not wanting to lose him, and Kurt felt guilty again. Why did his mind always go to the easiest way out when things got hard? He pushed the thoughts away and assured his dad he wouldn’t.
He was stronger than them. At least, he was going to pretend he was.
5.
He supposed he should have known that’s how Finn really felt.
Sure Finn had shown him a little bit of kindness, but Kurt should have known. He should have realized that Finn’s reputation was way too important to him to actually even try to make things work. So when Finn was raging around his room shouting about how faggy things are, Kurt wasn’t sure why he was as hurt as he was. He really should have known better. It wasn’t as if Finn was above it, he’d heard him use the term before, just not to his face.
When his dad comes in though, things take a whole new turn and Kurt couldn’t do anything but stand there in tears as his father laid into Finn. And once the bigger boy left and his father gave him false platitudes, he sank down onto the couch and cried. He cried for messing everything up for his father. Oh, his dad may not blame him, but he was sure Carole would, and more importantly, Kurt blamed himself.
He spent the rest of the night pulling all the decorations down.
The next day at school, Finn tried to talk to him, but Kurt just couldn’t bring himself to listen. He thought Finn was different, thought he might actually see past the high school stigma and see that Kurt was an actual person and that he had actual feelings. He arrived home to the news that his dad and Carole were going to take a break and see how things went from there.
Kurt couldn’t stand to be the source of his father’s unhappiness once again.
So he tried to do what he could to make things easier on his dad. The thing was, when you’re the only person around and someone’s upset they can lash out at you, even if they don’t mean it. Which was exactly what his father was doing. He was hurting over what happened, and since Kurt was the only one there, he took the burnt of it. He was alone for dinner for the second night, his father having opted to eat something out and stay late at the shop.
Kurt stood in front of the pre-made salads and when he saw the one with the little shrimp in it, how they almost blended in with the fried onions, he realized how easy it could be to not realize they were there. He could eat that salad, and he would go into anaphylactic shock. No one would be home to help him, and he’d eventually die. It may not be quick and painless, but it would cause his dad the least amount of heartache he was sure. It could easily be explained away as an accident, he hadn’t realized what he was eating and he couldn’t get help.
He started to reach for it when someone called his name. Her jerked his hand away guiltily and he turned to see Mercedes smiling from beside her mother, and when she beckoned him over, he sent one last glance at the shrimp before heading over. And when Mrs. Jones clucks at how thin he is and tells him he’ll be eating over at their house tonight, well Kurt was able to push that stupid thought out of his head in favor of spending time with his best friend and her family, who’s accepted him as one of theirs pretty easily.
1. (Or the one time he attempted it)
Kurt wondered how he had made it this long in life.
He understood that his dad was depressed from his heart attack. It was really only normal, natural behavior and he couldn’t fault him for it. However, it hurt when his father lashed out at him because he was frustrated. Yes, maybe Kurt was hovering a little, but he was still freaked out. He’d come really close to losing his dad, and maybe he could be cut a little slack.
Then Finn started in on how he shouldn’t go near the new guy and how no meant no, but Finn never actually said no to him. Also, how does that make sense when Kurt always said no before they threw him in the garbage or threw pee balloons at him, or whatever else they figured they would do to torment him. Then his dad agreed with Finn though, and while it hurt to hear that even his dad thought he should just suck it up and accept he was going to be alone until he could find someone who wanted to be with him too, he figured they must be right.
So he broke off the duet with Sam and dueted by himself. Then he dueted with Rachel, who actually felt for him. And while that was surprising, he appreciated it. Still, he felt alone. Finn had pounded it in that he shouldn’t speak to anyone outside the club. It could be damaging for anyone who may want to join. He was hurting and having a hard time, but he figured that was his cross to bear and he would do so silently until things got better.
Until his dad snappily told him that he had plenty of other people to take care of him and that Kurt should just go away, he didn’t care what he did as long as he did it somewhere else. Kurt should have known that his dad was just frustrated and he didn’t really mean that, but it didn’t matter. It had hurt, cut bone deep and Kurt had retreated to his room. He figured his dad was probably right. He had Carole who loved him, and Finn who was the son he should have had. So what if Kurt was the one who sat by his hospital bed every night. So what if he was the one bearing the burden of school, and helping with the shop, and trying to take care of his dad.
None of that mattered right?
He thought about the prior times he felt like giving up and then realized something. It wasn’t as if he suddenly realized he wanted to keep living, it was that he decided to for someone else, or someone came along and interrupted him. Effectively diverting his train of thought for the time being. He still wasn’t happy, and he didn’t really want to keep living like this. He still wanted to be with his mom, he wanted to stop hurting so damn much.
Was that really so selfish?
Besides, his dad had made it pretty clear that he didn’t need or want Kurt around.
So he waited for the day that Carole came to take his dad to his doctor’s appointment, he was told in no uncertain terms he was not to be the one to take him. Which ok, fair enough. He hadn’t even argued, he just accepted it and moved on, he completely missed the surprised, slightly worried look his father threw at his back as he went back down to his room. He waited until Carole came to collect his dad and then waited five minutes after he heard the car leave the driveway.
He hadn’t planned on leaving a note, but finally thought he should leave something behind. So digging up a spare sheet of notebook paper, he scrawled out a quick message.
I’m Sorry.
During his father’s hospital stay the staff had gotten concerned over Kurt’s well being and made him talk to a few doctors. One of them decided his anxiety was much too high and prescribed him some low dose pills. Kurt had never taken them. He took the whole bottle, and followed that up by cutting into his right wrist. He passed out before he could dig to deep or hack into his left wrist as well.
He woke up three days later in the hospital; his father was asleep by his bed, hand clutched in his own and Kurt thought briefly that it may be ironic to see their positions switched. Carole was also asleep, but the tear tracks on her face make him feel really guilty.
It’s Finn who noticed he’s awake, and he went to open his mouth, before clamping it shut and reaching a trembling hand out to grasp Kurt’s shoulder.
“Don’t…Kurt, don’t ever do that again.” He pleaded, and Kurt looked down at the harsh white bandage wrapped around his wrist. He wanted to rage against them, what right did they have to stop him? However, he can’t help but see how devastated they all look. So he just gave Finn a brief nod and shut his eyes again, Finn released his shoulder, but he felt his hand move down to grasp his free one.
Kurt felt guilty again, but worst part was, he didn’t feel guilty for scaring his family. He felt guilty because he failed.
Disclaimer: I don't own em,if I did it would probably have to be on another channel.
Rating: R-ish for Subject Matter
Warnings: Suicide attempt, talk of it, subject matter, angst.
Characters: Kurt, Burt, Finn, Carole, Mentions of some of the glee club kids.
Word count: 4,019
Spoilers: All the way through Duets.
Summary: Five times Kurt thought about suicide and on time he attempted it.
A/N: Written for sj_r to fill This prompt over at the glee_angst_meme
1.
Kurt was nine when he realized that he had spent one long year away from his mother and he really wasn’t sure if he could do it anymore. His father tried, bless his father, he tried so damn hard. It couldn’t be easy on him, trying to run a business and take care of his son single handedly, but Kurt wasn’t trying to make things difficult on him either. In fact, Kurt had taken over most of the household chores and does nearly all the cooking now. He’s still only nine though, and he doesn’t always understand why he had to happen to their family.
It‘s been a year, and it‘s the first mother‘s day without her, he realized that as he rolled out of bed. His father sat despondently on the sofa, and he wouldn’t respond to any of Kurt’s prompting to get up and do something. Kurt just ended up in the kitchen, making a light meal and leaving it in front of his father on the off chance he may actually eat something that day. Instead, he went down stairs and ripped up the mother’s day card that his teacher insisted he make, even though he had informed her that his mother had died. His teacher had seemed startled, but then told him to make one for her anyway. He guessed it was supposed to be therapeutic or something.
It wasn’t.
All it did was re-enforce the painful reminder that his mother was gone. The most annoying girl in his glass had decided to sit with him as they made cards. She informed him she didn’t have a mother either, and that they shouldn’t be forced to do this assignment. He had nodded, hoping she would just be quiet. She wasn’t. As she continued to regale him with the fact that she didn’t have a mother because of her two dads, Kurt couldn’t help but feel a little bitter. At least Rachel still had two parents. He just let her talk, and made the card, maybe he’d take it to the cemetery or something.
He knew there would be no trip to her grave today, and as much as he just wanted his dad to talk to him, he knew he was grieving as well. Sometimes Kurt wondered how something like that could happen. How if some all powerful being existed, he could have taken his mother and destroyed his father in the process. He spent three hours in his room, absently shredding the card until nothings left but tiny pieces of confetti. He cried until his eyes hurt and he’s pretty sure he’s dehydrated.
He wanted to be with his mom.
He thinks about how hard it would be to keep going like this, and how maybe it would be better if he died too. His dad would have one less thing to worry about at least. He’s starting to consider the option a little more seriously. They had enough in the house that he could do it. He forcefully makes himself stop thinking along those lines. His dad needed him, he may not say so in so many words, but Kurt knew it to be true. He hated himself a little bit, at how selfish he was for a few moments. Moments of weakness that he wouldn’t ever speak off again.
Instead, he took a few moments to clean himself up, and trudged back upstairs.
2.
Kurt’s eleventh birthday came and went without so much as a single happy birthday. His mother never would have forgotten. He knew his dad was under a lot of pressure, he’s trying to open another garage, and Kurt understood that. Or at least that’s what he kept telling himself. It wasn’t as if his dad just didn’t acknowledge his birthday, he’d forgotten right? Still, it hurt that his dad forgot his birthday. He didn’t mention it though; he didn’t want his dad to feel bad or anything.
A few more days went by, and still nothing. Kurt didn’t want to bring it up, he was starting to get a really unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach that his forgotten birthday may have less to do with his dad being busy and more to do with it being his birthday. He watched with a forced smile as his father told him he would be back later that night; he was going out for Jim’s birthday. Kurt had to really work not to recoil. His dad headed out for the evening and Kurt found himself wandering aimlessly around his house trying to figure out what to do with himself now.
It hurts that his dad could remember his friend’s birthday but not his own son’s.
Kurt desperately tried to rationalize it in his head. Find a way to somehow make it ok. Burt had known Jim for all his life; surely, he’d know when his birthday was. But, he’d known Kurt for eleven years too, and by that thinking he should know when his birthday was too. In an attempt to distract himself, Kurt began to tidy up a little. It wasn’t until he wound up in the garage tidying up around boxes and straightening does he realize just how awful he actually felt.
Then he saw a box of his mother’s things, and before he really had time to process what happened, he was sitting on the floor, in tears, going through the box. He came to the conclusion after half an hour that his dad just didn’t care anymore. Which, Kurt could kind of understand, he didn’t really care anymore either. The only thing that had really kept Kurt hanging on in the past couple years was his dad. The bullying had gotten worse, and if it hadn’t been for his dad, Kurt wasn’t sure what he’d have done, even though he tried to keep the majority of it from him.
He’s sitting in the middle of the garage floor, not caring if he’s getting his pants dirty holding a tightly bound coil of rope, when he heard someone ring the doorbell. He considered ignoring it, but it rang twice more in succession and he quickly put the box and rope back where he found them before making his way inside. He glanced out of the peephole and was rather surprised to find his neighbor and her mother standing on the porch. He pulled open the door and offered the Pierce’s a hesitant smile.
“Hello Mrs. Pierce, Brittany.”
“Hi sweetie, is your dad around?” Mrs. Pierce asked and Kurt shook his head, quickly explaining that his dad had gone out to dinner with a friend. When Brittany seemed to realize that meant Kurt was alone, she invited him to dinner. He was about to decline, not wanting to be a bother on Mrs. Pierce, but she quickly agreed, pulling out her cell phone to give Burt a ring and tell him what the plan was. Kurt cast a glance back towards the garage, but seeing how thrilled Brittany looks at the idea of his company, he knew he’d much rather spend the evening with them.
The next morning his dad woke him up early, nearly in tears. Seemed that Jim had reminded him of Kurt’s birthday. He promised it would never, ever, happen again. Kurt wasn’t sure if he believed him.
3.
The first time the bullying went too far, Kurt was thirteen.
He came home hours late, bloody and panicked, and his dad was angry that he’d never show up at the shop. Until he turned around and actually saw the state his son was in. Then it was just anger and yelling and promises of killing the little bastards who did this. Kurt knew they were just empty words, but he was so tired of hearing promises of things getting better and they never actually got better. He was tired of being called homophobic names; he was tired of being shoved into things and pushed around. He was tired of no one caring that these things were happening.
The next morning, his father did in fact go down to the school.
It did nothing but make things worse.
So Kurt started to keep silent, and he began to hide the evidence. When he came home covered in garbage he disposed of the jacket quickly. Which hurt because he loved that jacket. Still, it was a little too hard to cover the massive black eye and split lip. His father had ranted and railed and there was something in his tone where Kurt just knew he blamed him for it. That if Kurt didn’t stick out so much, if he didn’t make himself such an easy target it wouldn’t be like this.
His mother had always told him to never conform to anything other than who he was, and he’d be damned if he started doing that now. Still it hurt to see the way his dad looked at him. In that helpless way that he had. The one that screamed, how can I help you if you won’t help yourself. Kurt hated that look. He started spending more and more time in his room, and after a particularly bad day, he began to wonder how this could possibly be worth it.
How could his being on the planet be good if so many people were telling him it wasn’t? Being left alone to his own devices for so long Kurt’s mind began to stray into dangerous territory. He was becoming more and more worried about the violence of the bullying and the careless way he was treated. He knew what happened to kids like him in towns like Lima. It was why he had been so terrified when he realized. He wasn’t even sure how he would break the news to his dad if he ever even would.
His dad was a man’s man, a real guy; he surely wouldn’t want a fag for a son.
He could stop it before it got that far.
It’s one of the nights his dad worked late at the garage that Kurt found himself in his dad’s room sitting on the bed with his gun on the bed in front of him as well as a bullet. It would only take one. He actually jumped when his cell phone vibrated against his thigh. He let out a nervous laugh and fished his phone out before looking at the text message.
Artie wanted him to come over and watch movies with him.
He’d started talking to Artie after the wheel bound boy stayed behind to make sure he actually was ok after being slammed into the lockers. Kurt found he liked the other boy, even if he really wanted to go after his unfortunate suspender collection with a lighter. Kurt hesitated for a moment, before quickly storing the gun and bullet back where he found them and assuring Artie he’d be there in ten minutes.
4.
The first time someone had vandalized their house badly enough that it warranted a call to the police, Kurt was sixteen and he‘d just blown the diva off. Not only had someone blown out their living room windows, but someone had taken the time to spray paint FAG in bright red spray paint across the side of the house. Sure, there was the lawn furniture incident, but Kurt had managed to convince his dad not to press charges and to his knowledge, his dad didn’t even know about the pee balloon incident.
This though, this wasn’t the work of idiots like Noah Puckerman and merry band of miscreants. No, this was something else entirely. The police came and went, asking questions that clearly implied that if Kurt wasn’t himself, maybe things would be different. His father had gotten angry, but when the police left, he’d shot Kurt this look. This disappointed flash that made Kurt feel so damn guilty. Like somehow he had done something to warrant this kind of torment.
Silently they started to work. His father had started to repair the windows and Kurt tried to scrub the hateful word off the side of his house. His dad didn’t deserve this. He shouldn’t have his home vandalized because his son was a big flaming homo. Kurt tried to blink the tears away before he continued scrubbing in rough precise motions. It was like trying to clean off his locker when hateful words were spray painted there. They worked until it was dark, before heading inside. They would have to continue working on it in the morning.
“Maybe tomorrow you could just wear jeans and a t-shirt.” It really wasn’t so much a suggestion as it was his father telling him that’s what he would be expected to wear. It hurts to know that his dad does in fact blame him. He may deny it, promise he accepts his son, but part of him will always regret not having a “normal” son. Kurt knows it, and no matter how much he wants to deny it, he knows it’s the truth. He’ll live with it, no matter how much it hurts.
After a silent, tense dinner, Kurt quickly retreated to his room. He had given up the solo he really wanted for his dad, in hope that this wouldn’t get worse. It did, and it didn’t seem worth the sacrifice now. He sat on his bed, fiddling with the hilt of the knife he held loosely in his hands. He could remember this one time in biology, he had accidentally cut himself on the scalpel they were using and it had been so sharp he hadn’t really even felt it. Tina had told him that when blades were sharp enough you really hurt yourself without even knowing it. He had been concerned for her; until she tacked on she knew that because she nearly cut her finger off last year.
It was a sobering thought really. That he could drag the knife across his wrists and if the blade was sharp enough he wouldn’t even feel it until he started bleeding. He probably wouldn’t even suffer that much, and he‘s sure things would be so much easier on those around him. He’s thinking about that, the weight of the blade in his hand before his dad’s steps coming down the stairs snap him out of it, and he shoved the blade back into the drawer on his nightstand.
His dad silently made his way over and dropped down on the bed next to him, pulling his son to him to wrap him up in warm embrace. Kurt melted into it a little, because he kind of really needed that hug. It took him a moment to realize that his dad was murmuring reassurances telling him that everything would be ok, and that it wasn’t his fault. Kurt knows his dad is only trying to make him feel better.
Then his dad murmured apologizes for taking it out on him and something about not wanting to lose him, and Kurt felt guilty again. Why did his mind always go to the easiest way out when things got hard? He pushed the thoughts away and assured his dad he wouldn’t.
He was stronger than them. At least, he was going to pretend he was.
5.
He supposed he should have known that’s how Finn really felt.
Sure Finn had shown him a little bit of kindness, but Kurt should have known. He should have realized that Finn’s reputation was way too important to him to actually even try to make things work. So when Finn was raging around his room shouting about how faggy things are, Kurt wasn’t sure why he was as hurt as he was. He really should have known better. It wasn’t as if Finn was above it, he’d heard him use the term before, just not to his face.
When his dad comes in though, things take a whole new turn and Kurt couldn’t do anything but stand there in tears as his father laid into Finn. And once the bigger boy left and his father gave him false platitudes, he sank down onto the couch and cried. He cried for messing everything up for his father. Oh, his dad may not blame him, but he was sure Carole would, and more importantly, Kurt blamed himself.
He spent the rest of the night pulling all the decorations down.
The next day at school, Finn tried to talk to him, but Kurt just couldn’t bring himself to listen. He thought Finn was different, thought he might actually see past the high school stigma and see that Kurt was an actual person and that he had actual feelings. He arrived home to the news that his dad and Carole were going to take a break and see how things went from there.
Kurt couldn’t stand to be the source of his father’s unhappiness once again.
So he tried to do what he could to make things easier on his dad. The thing was, when you’re the only person around and someone’s upset they can lash out at you, even if they don’t mean it. Which was exactly what his father was doing. He was hurting over what happened, and since Kurt was the only one there, he took the burnt of it. He was alone for dinner for the second night, his father having opted to eat something out and stay late at the shop.
Kurt stood in front of the pre-made salads and when he saw the one with the little shrimp in it, how they almost blended in with the fried onions, he realized how easy it could be to not realize they were there. He could eat that salad, and he would go into anaphylactic shock. No one would be home to help him, and he’d eventually die. It may not be quick and painless, but it would cause his dad the least amount of heartache he was sure. It could easily be explained away as an accident, he hadn’t realized what he was eating and he couldn’t get help.
He started to reach for it when someone called his name. Her jerked his hand away guiltily and he turned to see Mercedes smiling from beside her mother, and when she beckoned him over, he sent one last glance at the shrimp before heading over. And when Mrs. Jones clucks at how thin he is and tells him he’ll be eating over at their house tonight, well Kurt was able to push that stupid thought out of his head in favor of spending time with his best friend and her family, who’s accepted him as one of theirs pretty easily.
1. (Or the one time he attempted it)
Kurt wondered how he had made it this long in life.
He understood that his dad was depressed from his heart attack. It was really only normal, natural behavior and he couldn’t fault him for it. However, it hurt when his father lashed out at him because he was frustrated. Yes, maybe Kurt was hovering a little, but he was still freaked out. He’d come really close to losing his dad, and maybe he could be cut a little slack.
Then Finn started in on how he shouldn’t go near the new guy and how no meant no, but Finn never actually said no to him. Also, how does that make sense when Kurt always said no before they threw him in the garbage or threw pee balloons at him, or whatever else they figured they would do to torment him. Then his dad agreed with Finn though, and while it hurt to hear that even his dad thought he should just suck it up and accept he was going to be alone until he could find someone who wanted to be with him too, he figured they must be right.
So he broke off the duet with Sam and dueted by himself. Then he dueted with Rachel, who actually felt for him. And while that was surprising, he appreciated it. Still, he felt alone. Finn had pounded it in that he shouldn’t speak to anyone outside the club. It could be damaging for anyone who may want to join. He was hurting and having a hard time, but he figured that was his cross to bear and he would do so silently until things got better.
Until his dad snappily told him that he had plenty of other people to take care of him and that Kurt should just go away, he didn’t care what he did as long as he did it somewhere else. Kurt should have known that his dad was just frustrated and he didn’t really mean that, but it didn’t matter. It had hurt, cut bone deep and Kurt had retreated to his room. He figured his dad was probably right. He had Carole who loved him, and Finn who was the son he should have had. So what if Kurt was the one who sat by his hospital bed every night. So what if he was the one bearing the burden of school, and helping with the shop, and trying to take care of his dad.
None of that mattered right?
He thought about the prior times he felt like giving up and then realized something. It wasn’t as if he suddenly realized he wanted to keep living, it was that he decided to for someone else, or someone came along and interrupted him. Effectively diverting his train of thought for the time being. He still wasn’t happy, and he didn’t really want to keep living like this. He still wanted to be with his mom, he wanted to stop hurting so damn much.
Was that really so selfish?
Besides, his dad had made it pretty clear that he didn’t need or want Kurt around.
So he waited for the day that Carole came to take his dad to his doctor’s appointment, he was told in no uncertain terms he was not to be the one to take him. Which ok, fair enough. He hadn’t even argued, he just accepted it and moved on, he completely missed the surprised, slightly worried look his father threw at his back as he went back down to his room. He waited until Carole came to collect his dad and then waited five minutes after he heard the car leave the driveway.
He hadn’t planned on leaving a note, but finally thought he should leave something behind. So digging up a spare sheet of notebook paper, he scrawled out a quick message.
I’m Sorry.
During his father’s hospital stay the staff had gotten concerned over Kurt’s well being and made him talk to a few doctors. One of them decided his anxiety was much too high and prescribed him some low dose pills. Kurt had never taken them. He took the whole bottle, and followed that up by cutting into his right wrist. He passed out before he could dig to deep or hack into his left wrist as well.
He woke up three days later in the hospital; his father was asleep by his bed, hand clutched in his own and Kurt thought briefly that it may be ironic to see their positions switched. Carole was also asleep, but the tear tracks on her face make him feel really guilty.
It’s Finn who noticed he’s awake, and he went to open his mouth, before clamping it shut and reaching a trembling hand out to grasp Kurt’s shoulder.
“Don’t…Kurt, don’t ever do that again.” He pleaded, and Kurt looked down at the harsh white bandage wrapped around his wrist. He wanted to rage against them, what right did they have to stop him? However, he can’t help but see how devastated they all look. So he just gave Finn a brief nod and shut his eyes again, Finn released his shoulder, but he felt his hand move down to grasp his free one.
Kurt felt guilty again, but worst part was, he didn’t feel guilty for scaring his family. He felt guilty because he failed.