Fic: Make it Make sense to Me
Title: Make it Make sense to Me
Disclaimer: I don't own em, I if I did glee would probably have to be on a different channel.
Rating: R-ish
Word count:7515
Warnings: Over abundance of naughty language, vague sex (mostly implied) non/dub con and attempted suicide, please read at your own risk!
Summary: When one of the football players finds out about Puck and Kurt, he makes Kurt an offer he decides, for Puck's sake, he can't refuse.
A/N: Ok, another prompt. This one is done for anon over at glee_kink It turned out to be rather monstrous at ten pages long. I didn't have this beta'd, which I probably should have. But I'm so thrilled to have finished it I'm just posting it.
In the beginning, they just started to hang out a little, with Glee club mostly, and then it began to narrow down to just a couple friends. Puck seemed to be trying to turn over a new leaf and the other Glee kids, with the exceptions of Finn and Quinn who still were not speaking to him, tried to support him. He was attempting to learn from his mistakes. Eventually Puck realized that Kurt wasn’t nearly as bad as he seemed to think he was, and was actually a really good listener. So they began to talk more frequently, and Puck realized, hell he kinda liked Kurt.
It wasn’t really supposed to happen. Noah Puckerman was a stud, he’d slept with half the mom’s in Lima, he was awesome, and he was so not gay, except apparently he kinda was, at least where Kurt Hummel was concerned, because damn it all to hell if he hadn’t somehow, fallen for the gayest kid in the state of Ohio. They went from being tolerant of each other to friends, and then Puck shoved Kurt up against a wall and kissed him. They never really talked about it; they just seemed to silently agree that they were kind of together now. It only expanded from there, Puck genuinely cared for Kurt. He however, wasn’t ready to come out to the whole school yet. He hadn’t wanted to tell Kurt about that, because really, he didn’t want a scene, but Kurt had simply assured him it was ok, that he understood.
So they carried on their relationship in secret. They spent time together outside of school, and left Lima all together when weekends permitted, but otherwise did not associate. Of course, Puck made sure the dumpster tossing stopped, and the slushies were becoming far less frequent for all involved, not just Kurt. Rarely, if Puck really couldn’t help himself he might grab Kurt for a quick kiss in a dark room, but otherwise the two made sure to not act any differently around each other.
Kurt was just about to leave for the day when he was yanked backwards into the boy’s bathroom. He stumbled, unable to stop the momentum he had built up and flinching slightly when his back came into contact with the paper towel dispenser. That was probably going to bruise. He looked up to see who had done that and felt coldness settle in his stomach. He didn’t know Jeffery Jackson particularly well, his time on the football team hadn’t really corresponded with Jeffery’s, but Kurt knew enough to know he was probably in trouble. He set his expression into a cool bored look however, and he almost didn’t flinch, as the much larger boy got closer.
“What the hell are you doing?” Kurt demanded trying to pull away from uncomfortable metal dispenser and put distance between him and Jackson.
“You made Puckerman a fag.” And Kurt blinks, because really what the fuck? “Would be a shame if that got out, what a fall, from badass to fairy.” He makes this noise in the back of his throat and shakes his head, like it’s a pity or something. Kurt’s heart is starting to beat a little fast and he begins to wonder just what the hell this is about.
“I don’t know what-” but he’s cut off as he’s backed into the wall again, and he really notices then just how big the other boy is. Kurt is nearly completely dwarfed by the bigger boy and he steadies himself for the blow he’s pretty sure it about to come.
“I saw you two.” And while Kurt is all set to protest, the look that he’s getting from the other boy makes all the blood drain out of his face, he knows. “And I’m willing to make you a deal.” Kurt remains silent and he feels his throat tighten a little at the vaguely predatory smile on Jackson’s face. “I’ll keep what I know a secret; Puckerman won’t lose the little respect he still has. The jocks won’t go after him with a vengeance, but in return, you have to do something for me.”
“What?” Kurt asks, because as much as he really doesn’t like where this is going, he doesn’t want Puck to get hurt.
“I hear you’re pretty good in bed.” Kurt’s face heats up but he refuses to look away or dignify that with any kind of response. “You fuck me, when I tell you to, how I tell you too, and Puckerman’s dirty little secret, will stay safe.”
“How do I know you won’t just tell everyone anyhow?” Kurt asks he hates that it’s come to this, that the rest of Puck’s high school experience could rest on this, because really Kurt isn’t sure he can do it.
“You’re just going to have to trust me on that, now aren’t you. Besides who wants to anyone to know they’re fucking the fag? You know though, I will go right out that door and tell everyone I see what I know about him if you don‘t agree.” Jackson sneers; Kurt flinches but finally averts his eyes and nods his agreement. He can’t let Puck go through what he goes through on a daily basis. It’s not that he doesn’t think Puck can handle it, but really, Puck doesn’t even know half of what actually happens to him. It gets much worse than dumpsters and slushies. Kurt loves Puck, as much as he wishes at this very moment he didn’t, he does. He loves him and he’ll do what it takes to protect him, even this.
“Ok.” And it’s so quiet that he almost hopes Jackson doesn’t hear it. Of course he does and pushes Kurt towards the wall again.
“Somehow I thought you’d say that.” He starts to unbuckle his belt before giving Kurt a rather wolfish smile. “On your knees Hummel.” Fighting the tears that burn behind his eyes, Kurt complies. He’s doing this for Puck; he’s making sure that Puck can come out on his own terms. Kurt hears the zipper being lowered and shuts his eyes.
*********************************
The next few weeks are torture.
It goes far beyond an occasional blowjob and Kurt begins to feel like he might be coming apart at the seams. Puck has no idea, things actually seem to be looking up for him, so Kurt continues to give himself up to Jackson and pretend it’s not killing him. It’s the third week that Kurt decides he doesn’t actually think he can keep this up. Hell, Jackson is starting to hurt him just to leave the marks, like he’s hoping Puck will see.
As it is, Kurt’s having a hard time keep his composure anytime Puck does try and get physical with him, because Christ all he can think about is being shoved up against something and being taken harshly. He knows Puck wouldn’t do that. He knows he should just tell Puck what the hell is going on, because he’s sure Puck can take care of himself and hell Puck would probably be angry that he did it to begin with, but he’d help make sure it came to a stop. Kurt needs it to stop.
It turns out that Kurt won’t have to tell Puck anything, because one day, while he’s lying lifelessly beneath Jackson, trying to pretend he’s anywhere but where he is and that it doesn’t hurt like hell every time the other boy moves, Puck walks into the room. Neither Kurt nor Jackson sees him and Puck walks right back out seething.
How could he? How could Kurt do that to him? After everything he’s been through already, he had been relying on Kurt not to hurt him and he had turned around and done exactly that. He waits until Kurt comes to him the next day, looking exhausted and somewhat pained, but before Kurt can actually open his mouth, Puck has him shoved against the locker.
“So when were you planning to tell me?” He demands and even though he’s angry, he does loosen his hold at the pained noise Kurt let’s out.
“Today, I should have told you sooner.” Kurt tells him and Puck grits his teeth before glaring, his fingers unconsciously tightening again.
“You cheating bastard.” Puck seethes and Kurt looks startled, opening his mouth to protest, Puck quickly cuts him off. “I can’t believe this. I can’t believe that I fell for this bullshit. It didn’t mean a damn thing did it. You know what, no I don’t care. Fuck you Hummel I don’t need this. I should have never gotten sucked into this shit with you.” Kurt just stares at him dumbfounded, because really Puck thinks he’s cheating on him?
“That isn’t what-” But Puck cuts him off and cuts him deep with his next words.
“I doesn’t matter, it’s not like anyone would ever want you for anything other than a good fuck anyway.” He shoves Kurt against the lockers again before stalking off, and Kurt just stands there, wondering what the hell just happened. Part of him wants to chase after Puck, and tell him exactly what he‘s been doing. What he was trying to do for him, but Puck’s parting statement hurt so fucking bad, that Kurt found himself rooted to the spot.
When Jackson comes around the corner and leers, Kurt quickly turns his back on him and when he steps up next to him to remind him of their deal Kurt shakes his head, because really he can’t be bothered to care right now. He was only doing that to help Puck and he hadn’t even tried to hear him out. He’d just gotten angry, dumped him, and then left him with a parting statement that hurt worse than what Jackson was doing to him. He’s saved by Mercedes who chooses that moment to come around the corner. She looks between the two, before slipping her hand through Kurt’s and dragging him away from the lockers.
He simply tells her that he he’s not feeling particularly well and if she would please mind passing that message onto Mr. Schue as he just wants to go home. She takes a good look at him before nodding. He looks awful. She gives him an affectionate squeeze reminds him that she loves him and to call her if he needs anything. He tries to smile, he really does but it doesn’t quite happen. He gratefully heads home, knowing that his father is still at work and he probably won’t bother him very much once he gets home.
*********************************
It’s been three days, and Kurt’s ready to make it stop. Jackson was stalking him through the halls, and Puck was alternating between ignoring him and giving him looks full of so much anger and hate that Kurt just kind of wants to die. He hates Jackson for getting him into this position in the first place, for taking everything away from him. He hates Puck for not even letting him explain, and for loving him so damn much he was willing to give up everything he had to keep the other boy safe. He hates that this is how he’s repaid, in pain and stony silence.
Most of all he hates himself for thinking that Puck would even care what he had done. Because really he was probably right, no one would ever want him. Not unless they were getting something out of the deal. He’s pretty sure now that’s he only reason Puck had been with him before. He really hates himself because he still kind of loves Puck, even though he wants to hate him and feel nothing else.
The dumpster diving has come back full force, as have the slushies, and Kurt finds himself not even caring that much. He deserves it anyway. It was stupid of him to think he should try and protect Puck. What kind of idiot was he? It wasn’t like Puck actually cared for him; he wouldn’t have completely shut him out if he had. He wouldn’t have said what he had. He was right, no one would want Kurt for anything, much less ever actually love him.
His friends are worried, and though he assures them several times he’s ok, no one is really buying it. The days pass and Kurt finds that he breaks a little more each day. His friends all thought he was strong, but honestly, he wasn’t. Not as strong as they seemed to think he was. He was barely hanging on and it wasn’t until Jackson yanked him into the bathroom and reminded him that he could still spill the beans about Puck that Kurt realized he just didn’t care anymore about keeping this secret. Kurt didn’t care, told him to go ahead; really he didn’t think anyone would believe him.
He wasn’t expecting Jackson to laugh and kiss him so hard he felt like his lips were bruised. He tried to shove him away, but Jackson just walked off. Kurt wasn’t sure what he should do at that point. He was drowning and he didn‘t see anything to help him keep afloat. His dad was worried, he knew that, but he didn’t know what to tell him, because really he was pretty sure his dad could not handle this. So he keeps trying to muddle through, trying to force back his breaking heart and the pain that throbs through his heart and his head every time he thinks of what Puck said and of what Jackson did.
After a week, Kurt decides he’s just to tired to care at all anymore. The breaking point, strangely enough comes in the form of a small fight with his father. It’s stupid and really, under any other circumstances they wouldn’t have even remembered it the next day. In Kurt’s mind however, it’s the very last puff that blew down his emotional house of straw. So he stops trying to stay afloat, he lets himself go under and he drowns.
He doesn’t react to Puck’s hateful stares, barely responds to Mercedes worry, and doesn’t even bother to answer when Jackson calls to him, in that tone of voice that he knows what’s about to come. Instead, Kurt cuts his last few classes, and goes home. He knows his father won’t be at home for a few hours yet. He sits despondently on his bed, fingering his cell phone, knowing he should at least say goodbye. So he writes a letter to his dad, telling him everything that’s happened, and apologizes several times for what he’s doing. He knows it won’t be enough; no amount of apology will make this better or any easier on his dad. Kurt hates himself for that too.
He takes the letter into the bathroom with him, and lays it next to his tub. He climbs in, not bothering to turn the water on, and he contemplates the knife he brought down with him. One of their better knives, he hates to ruin it this way. He laments briefly over destroying the knife before dragging it across both wrists, slicing deeply. He lets the knife lay loosely against his leg as he leans back in the tub and shuts his eyes, waiting for the end.
*********************************
When Mercedes cell phone rang before Glee started Mr. Schue glanced at her but allowed her to answer it. She glanced at the number before frowning, why on earth would Kurt be calling her from home? Was he still feeling sick? She was going to have to drag that boy to the doctor.
“Kurt what are you-Oh Mr. Hummel, hello.” and Mr. Schuester is suddenly watching her, why would Kurt’s father be calling Mercedes? He watches as the color drains out of Mercedes face and tears start flowing, but he doubts she even realizes it.
“He…No, Kurt wouldn’t do that!” However, her voice breaks, and her eyes are betraying her. “But he’s ok?” She sobs in what can only be described as relief, and buckles over her legs, so Will gently takes the phone from her to speak to Mr. Hummel. Out of the corner of his eye, he watches as Tina grabs Mercedes in a hug, but doesn’t ask for details. He listens to what Burt Hummel has to say and feels like his lunch might make a reappearance at this news. He thanks the man before hanging up and squatting down next to Mercedes.
“Do you need a ride?” He asked gently but she’s out of her seat without so much as a reply. The others are watching shell-shocked and he rather reluctantly decides they will find out one way or another, it might as well be from him. He knows they at least won’t spread it around the school. He swallows thickly, his tongue feeling heavy and too large in his mouth before meeting their eyes.
“Kurt’s in the hospital.” He knows he won’t be able to leave it at that, his friends love him, they’ll want to know what happened, how they can help, and sure enough, Artie pipes up immediately.
“Why?” His tone is sharp, and his eyes are guarded like he’d already come to the conclusion but was refusing to believe it.
“He,” Will clears his throat and attempts it again, he decides that being straight forward is the way to go. “He slit his wrists guys.” He’s never seen his kids get that still and be so quiet before. None of them moved they barely seemed to be breathing. It was Brittany who broke the silence, shaking her head vehemently.
“Kurt wouldn’t do that; he wouldn’t do that to his dad.” Before Will has a chance to reply Puck explodes out of his seat, knocking the chair over and drawing a startled squeak out of Santana who until that point had been shocked into silence. He runs out of the room at a dead sprint and Will suggests they go home, but when several of the kids remain seated, he decides to just let them sit there. He knew they were all thinking the same thing, Kurt had always been so strong, so put together what had happened to change that?
*********************************
When Puck gets to the hospital, a trip he doesn’t actually even remember, he’s surprised to see Mercedes folded against Burt Hummel’s chest in one of the hallways. Puck pauses when Burt glances up and his eyes darken before he pulls back from Mercedes and talks to her gently. She wipes her sleeve across her eyes before nodding and disappearing into what Puck can only assume is Kurt’s room. He backs up a step when Burt approaches him, yeah Puck’s a badass, but Burt Hummel is fucking scary.
“Get out of here.” And Puck can’t help but gawk at the older man; he just wanted to know how Kurt was. He still cared, he was just angry.
“I just-” but he’s cut off before he can continue.
“You’ve done plenty.” Something in his voice makes something cold spread through Puck and he swallows with some difficulty.
“What the hell happened?” Puck asks, but it’s not demanding he’s concerned and he doesn’t want to be, but damnit he is! Burt seems unimpressed, and takes in a deep breath through his teeth, anger radiating off him in waves.
“If you think I’m letting you get anywhere near my boy again you are sorely mistaken.” Puck’s actually a little afraid, Burt Hummel is big, and he’s pissed and Puck is sure he’d rip him apart with his bare hands if he thought for one moment he was going to do anything to upset his son. Puck wants to snap that he has a right to be angry, but Burt is suddenly looking in the direction of Kurt’s room. “I had no idea he would do something like that for anyone, god how could he let someone do that to him?” Before Puck can question him on that statement, he’s heading into his son’s room and Puck is not stupid or suicidal enough to follow him.
So he waits in the hard plastic chairs in the hall, and he’s still there when Mercedes comes out half an hour later. When she spots him, she starts heading over and Puck thinks he’s finally going to get some answers. What he gets instead is a slap that’s so hard he’s pretty sure he chipped a couple of his teeth. He turns to stare at her, she has anger in her eyes, but the tears falling make her look kind of pathetic, and he really can’t find it in him to be furious with her.
“Do you really not know what he was doing for you?” Her voice is low and kind of threatening and Puck is suddenly somewhat worried that Mercedes is going to kick his ass. If Kurt’s dad beat him up, well then at least he could say it was a dude, but he’d never live it down if Mercedes beat the living shit out of him.
“I honestly have no idea what the hell is going on.” He snapped, and Mercedes expression wavers before it falls and she sits down next to him.
“I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I don’t think Kurt’s going to be in any condition to talk to you about it. No, actually I don’t think he even wants to at this point, I probably wouldn’t know if he wasn’t so doped up on pain killers that he didn’t know what he was saying.” She wipes her eyes and looks down at her hands. Puck is suddenly feeling really uneasy and he doesn’t know what to say. He wants to tell her to just let it out, tell him what the fuck happened, where it went so wrong that Kurt tried to take this way out. He listens to her sad sigh before she finally starts talking again.
“I know you think he cheated on you, but he didn’t.” Puck goes to open his mouth to protest, because he knows damn well what he saw, but she continues before he can. “One of the jocks cornered him and told him that he’d seen the two of you. Threatened to out you to the school, not you as a couple, but you Puck.” Puck’s palms are suddenly kind of sweaty and his heart is hammering away, like he already knows where this is going but his brain is refusing to acknowledge it. “He was trying to protect you, God only knows why. So he agreed to a deal…what you saw was part of that deal. He didn‘t want to be the reason for any more suffering, and someone took advantage of that, advantage of him.”
“No...” the denial is out before Puck can stop it, and he feels like he’s been drenched with ice water. Kurt couldn’t do something like that for him that was stupid; didn’t Kurt think he could take care of himself?! But then that conversation came back to bite him in the ass, where he was adamant about not wanting to come out, not being ready to come out. So Kurt had done what he could to try to make sure that didn’t happen, and dear god, why the hell would Kurt do that? Why wouldn’t he have just come to Puck and told him what was going on? He didn’t realize he asked that aloud until Mercedes answered her voice decidedly less sympathetic this time.
“That’s what he was trying to tell you when you accused him of cheating and made that awful comment about no one ever wanting him. Yeah he mentioned that too, I think it was part of the letter that he wrote his dad. I wouldn’t expect to get anywhere near Kurt for a while if Mr. Hummel is around.”
“I…I didn’t mean that.” Honestly, he hadn’t. He was angry and he wanted to hurt Kurt, so he had, but he hadn’t actually meant it! The color had rapidly drained out of Puck’s face and he turned stricken eyes on Mercedes. “Why would he…this doesn’t make sense.”
“Yeah well he kind of loved you, you monumental dumbass.” Mercedes snapped standing and trying to rid her face of tears. “You might as well go home; Mr. Hummel isn’t going to let you get within ten feet of Kurt anytime soon. Can‘t say I blame him.” For the first time in his life, Puck listened to Mercedes Jones, gathered his stuff and left.
*********************************
Two days later, he was back.
After having done a little digging not only had he found out who had made this deal with Kurt, but that he tried to continue to take advantage of the situation even after Puck had crushed Kurt’s spirit. Maybe it was a bit melodramatic, but really he thought he had with that stupid mean statement. He’d heard all the other glee kids talking about their visits, all making sure to keep what happened quiet, because the last thing they wanted was this information to leak out. He personally made sure that Jeffery Jackson wouldn’t be talking anytime soon. Or moving for that matter.
Puck knew he had to talk to Kurt, because even if any chance they ever had was crushed beyond all reason now, he had to talk to him, see him with his own two eyes and know that he would in fact survive. So he waited, he knew Mr. Hummel couldn’t be there all the time, and he eventually found the time when Mr. Hummel did in fact leave. He heard him tell Kurt he would only be gone for an hour, and then he finally left. Puck had just managed to duck out of his line of sight, and once he disappeared into the elevator, he crept into Kurt’s room.
He took a few moments to look at Kurt, the smaller boys eyes were closed, long lashes brushing against his cheeks. His face was pale and lined, and as Puck’s eyes traveled down he caught sight of the gauze encased wrists. The thought of the damage under those bandages made Puck nearly throw up. He must have gagged or made a noise of some kind because Kurt’s eyes opened. It took him a moment to seem to register who was in the room with him, and when he did, he seemed to sink back further into the pillows.
“What are you doing here?” Kurt’s voice was so small and weak that Puck almost wanted to leave. Instead, he set his jaw and sat down next to the other boy.
“We need to talk.” He informed him. “Your dad isn’t here, so forget about having him chase me off.”
“What? My dad isn‘t chasing anyone off, the others have all been by.” Kurt looks so bewildered that Puck thinks maybe Kurt hadn’t asked his father to keep Puck away from him. Then he remembered what Mercedes said about a letter, and oh…yeah if Kurt’s dad knew about what he said, yeah he was probably keeping Puck away all on his own. That also meant Kurt probably thought Puck hadn’t come to see him on purpose. He wanted to protest, tell Kurt he’d been there on the day it happened, but decided that wasn’t important at the moment.
“Nevermind, listen Kurt ok? Just listen to what I have to say.” And Kurt nods like he’s willing to do whatever it takes to get Puck the hell out of his room. “I wish you had just told me what Jackson did. I could have handled it, God Kurt, why would you do that? How could you let him do that to you?”
“You’re really still asking me that?” Kurt asked, disbelief warring with weariness in his voice. “Really, after everything you’re still this dim? I loved you Noah. I don’t think you understand what it’s actually like to be gay here. Dumpsters and slushies are a cake walk.” Kurt’s voice cracks and the tears start then. Puck wants to comfort him, but is pretty damn sure he‘s lost that right. “People make threatening phone calls, people have thrown rocks through the windows of my home, I’ve had people throw ‘holy’ water on me, and twice now, people have tried to exorcise the gayness out. I didn’t want you to have to deal with that, I wanted to protect you from the parts you didn‘t know about.”
“Kurt,” Puck reaches out, frowning when Kurt’s hand flinches away from his touch. “I’m sorry that you’ve gone through all that, but you should have put more faith in me, in my ability to handle the bad stuff.” Kurt lets out a laugh that’s borderline hysterical.
“Oh yeah, because you handled me just trying to talk to you so well, I know what I did was stupid ok? Everyone is more than happy to point that out that I did something really stupid for someone who didn’t deserve it, and the then followed that up with something both stupid and selfish.” Puck flinches at that, but Kurt doesn’t seem to be watching, he’s staring down at his wrists. “I was trying to protect you; you made it clear in more ways than one you weren’t ready to be out. Which is why I did what I did…he was going to take that control from you, and I couldn’t let him do that, couldn‘t be the reason that you lost anything else.” Kurt wipes at his face and Puck feels his fingers curl around the railing on the bed.
“You were going to tell me everything?” Puck questions and Kurt nods. Somehow Puck knows that Kurt really was going to tell him, and it makes him feel even worse.
“That day, I…god Noah I needed help, I couldn’t keep doing that, not even for you. It doesn’t matter anyway; you made it perfectly clear what you think of me. The faith you want me to have in you, well I had it then. Funny, it doesn‘t really seem like that faith was very well founded.” And Kurt carefully rolls onto his side, his back to Puck. The bigger boy flinches, that had stung. He knows he hurt Kurt far too deeply and he’s beginning to wonder if he can be mended.
“I didn’t really mean that. I was angry, I wanted to hurt you, but I didn’t mean it.”
“You’ll forgive me of course, if I don’t take your word for it.” Kurt said, but it lacked its usual bite. Puck could almost smile at the attempt, but he just couldn’t do it. He watches as Kurt picks at the edge of the bandages before feeling a lump form in his throat. So he tries to get an answer for the question he had originally asked, why Kurt had done it.
“I know you thought you were protecting me, but why would you let Jackson do that to you, why did you think this was you‘re only way out?” Puck finally asks he really can’t figure it out.
“It came down to a choice Noah. Either let him have his way and you’d be spared some extra torment I wasn’t sure you could handle or let him tell anyone he saw, and take the gamble on if people would believe it or not. I get it, I made the wrong choice, and it got bad enough that I couldn’t do it anymore. Couldn’t deal with him or you or anything else, yeah I get it, I fucked up, tried to take the easy way out.” Kurt sounds so tired, and that lump in Puck’s throat feels bigger.
“You scared the shit out of everyone.” Puck says suddenly and he’s struck by a rather horrific thought and turns serious eyes on the other boy. “You won’t try this again will you?” And it’s silent for just a beat to long before Kurt lets out a low sigh.
“No, I won’t.” He keeps his back to Puck, keeps his eyes on his wrists. “I didn’t intend to survive Puck, if my dad hadn’t come home when he did I probably wouldn’t have. I realize that I could have potentially killed him too with this. There won’t be another attempt.”
“Are you saying you won’t for your dad, or because you actually mean it?” Puck blurts out and Kurt doesn’t actually reply to that. Puck wants to lunge out of his chair and take Kurt in his arms, promising to never hurt him again, protect him, and make him remember he’s too good for this kind of thing. He wants to do all of that, but what he ends up doing is leaning over the railing and over Kurt’s back to catch one of Kurt’s hands in his, and hang on. “Promise me you won’t do anything stupid.” Puck means for it to sound strong and borderline demanding, it comes out sounding like pathetic begging though.
“I’m on psychiatric lockdown Noah, what could I possible do?” Puck’s about to respond, demand to know why the hell Kurt’s on lockdown when Burt Hummel’s decidedly cold voice speaks up from the doorway.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Puck freezes, shit he had planned to be gone by the time Kurt’s dad got back, had it really been an hour? He realizes a moment later he’s squeezing Kurt’s fingers, and releases his hand, almost afraid to look at the other boy. If he takes his eyes of Burt, he isn’t sure what might happen. He can only imagine how this must look, with Kurt twisted away from him and Puck crowded into his space anyway.
“It’s ok dad, he was just leaving.” Kurt says softly, and really, Puck can’t argue with that. So he straightens, throws Kurt one last pleading look and leaves, squeezing past Mr. Hummel and trying to pretend he doesn’t feel the angry stare on his back.
*********************************
Puck doesn’t return to the hospital.
There are several reasons for this, but the biggest one is he can’t try and make it up to Kurt if he’s dead, and he’s pretty sure Kurt’s dad will kill him if he catches him anywhere near his son. Not that he could actually blame him for it. Puck couldn’t figure out how he couldn’t see how bad things were getting for Kurt. Really had he been wrapped up so far in his own drama that he couldn’t see that Kurt was falling apart before his eyes? That it had gotten to the point where Kurt thought death was the only way out? Puck sort of hates himself for that. Because as much as he thought Kurt should have had faith in his ability to handle what Jackson was trying to do, Puck should have had faith that Kurt wouldn’t purposefully hurt him. He did a little research and found out why Kurt would be on lockdown, the words suicide risk echoed in his brain, and made him shudder. He didn’t want to think of Kurt like that, refused to think of him like that.
The more he thought about it, the angrier he got. At Jackson, at himself, at Kurt for not reaching out, his anger at Kurt fades pretty quickly, honestly he doesn’t really even think he should be allowed to think about Kurt, not after how he’d treated him. Yes, Kurt agreeing to that deal with Jackson was stupid, but Puck could see in hindsight why Kurt thought he was protecting him. Puck had made a pretty big fuss about not wanting to come out.
He sends others with letters that he never gets a response to. He can’t tell if Kurt just isn’t bothering to read them, or it hurts to write so he doesn’t, or if Kurt’s even getting them. For all he knows the others just aren’t giving him the notes or Mr. Hummel is intercepting them. He doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t really talk to any of the Glee kids about it, and as far as he knows only Mercedes knew about what he and Kurt had. Probably as a favor to Kurt, she’s kept her mouth shut about it. Which is better than when he told her about being the father of Quinn’s baby, the others gleeks knew about it probably within hours.
Finally after two weeks, Kurt is released from the hospital, so Puck begins to stakeout his house. He’s a little alarmed at his newly developed stalker like tendencies, but he honestly wants to apologize. He’s not stupid enough to think he’ll ever get another chance with Kurt, but he wants to try and help, make things a little better. So he waits until he knows that Burt isn’t home and rings the doorbell. After a few moments of standing there, shifting impatiently, Kurt answers the door, Puck vaguely wonders if Kurt is by himself.
“Please don’t slam the door in my face.” Puck says quickly. Kurt stares at him for a moment before stepping out onto the porch and shutting the door, crossing his arms over his chest, and watching Noah warily.
“What are you doing here Noah?” And it’s an unconscious echo of the hospital greeting.
“I wanted to apologize. I don’t know if you got my letters.” He rubs the back of his neck suddenly feeling awkward and embarrassed about the situation. He isn’t sure how he should be acting around Kurt. He doesn’t want to be too protective, but he doesn’t want to come off as an asshole either.
“I got them.” He doesn’t say anything else, just a confirmation that he indeed received them. Puck worries at his lower lip, a habit that he rarely indulges in.
“Did…did you read them?”
“What are you doing here?” Kurt asks again, not responding to his question. Puck feels his stomach drop and he looks down at his shoes, before glancing back up at Kurt whose eyes are guarded, but his face is weary and tired.
“I just…I wanted to apologize. I should have heard you out, and I should never have said what I did. I was hurt and upset and I lashed out at you because I was mad.”
“I know Noah, you’ve already said this.” Kurt edges back towards the door a little and Puck wants to keep him from disappearing back into the house, so he shifts slightly to block the way.
“I know, but really I didn’t mean what I said. I know you think I did, but I was just looking for a way to hurt you like I was hurting.” Kurt made a soft sound in the back of his throat and Puck realizes that it isn’t that Kurt doesn’t believe he’s sorry, Kurt doesn’t believe he means it, that he isn’t wrong. Puck swallows thickly before reaching out for Kurt. He needs to fix that, right now.
“Don’t.” Kurt says softly, taking a step back. Puck can’t let him do that though, and eventually keeps advancing until Kurt’s backed up against the railing on the porch.
“I didn’t mean it Kurt, there are plenty of people in life who do and will want you, just for you, I did…I still do.” Puck isn’t usually so sentimental or cheesy, but Christ, he can’t help himself. Kurt isn’t look at him, but Puck invades his space, and Kurt’s hands go up to try and ward him off.
“Stop it Noah.” Kurt’s voice is choked, but Puck can’t just stop. He has to make Kurt understand. So he pushes forward, not caring when Kurt’s hands push on his chest. He folds his arms around Kurt and feels the smaller boy stiffen, the hands on his chest push with more pressure, but Puck isn’t letting go. He feels the shivers that go through Kurt’s body before he breaks and the tears start. It had surprised Puck the first time he saw Kurt cry, just silent tears that rolled down his face.
Puck has always hated to see Kurt cry though, and he hates it even more knowing that he’s the cause. Puck isn’t sure how long they stood like that; he murmured that he was sorry and he didn’t mean it, while Kurt cried silently. Puck doesn’t know what else he can do, how he can make Kurt understand that he really is sorry, that he wished he could rewind time and fix this before it got so out of hand. Finally the tears seem to slow and Puck pulls away slightly.
“You should probably get cleaned up some; I’m already on your dad’s shit list…if he sees you like this it will probably result in my murder.” Puck tries to joke, but part of him actually kind of means it. Kurt shakes his head running his sleeve over his eyes and sniffling. It’s silent for a few moments before Puck starts talking, he hates the silence. “So how upset is your dad anyway?” Puck wishes he hadn’t asked that really isn’t any of his business.
“He’s pretty angry, and rightfully so. I guess I‘m lucky he‘s at least talking to me.” Kurt replied sounding congested. Puck thinks that Kurt’s dad is probably more worried and scared than he is angry. He knows Kurt’s all his dad has left, and if he lost him, well shit Puck didn’t want to think about the what could have beens. Puck uses his thumb to wipe away another tear. He hates seeing Kurt like this; he isn’t supposed to be like this. Kurt isn’t supposed to suffer.
“What I really want to know is how you’re doing.” Puck says finally, all he really wants is for Kurt to answer him honestly, and he watches the other boys face, and after a moment, Kurt sighs and looks at Puck briefly.
“I’m doing better.” He tells him before leaving Puck’s hold completely and turning back towards his door. “I feel stupid and bad, but better than I did.” Puck wants to argue with that, because stupid and bad didn’t sound all that good. If Kurt considered that better, Puck wasn’t sure he even wanted to know what he felt like before. Puck didn’t want to know how Kurt must have felt before to even consider, let alone attempt to kill himself.
“Are we ya know…ok?” Puck finally asks, and Kurt’s quiet for a little to long before he answers.
“No, not really, but I think eventually we could be.”
“What do we do now?” Puck asks, because he really isn’t sure. He would be lying if he said he didn’t wish Kurt’s answer had been yes, we’re ok. But it wasn’t, so he was going to have to deal with that. He was just as much to blame for everything that happened as Jackson or Kurt was, at least in Puck’s opinion.
“We go back to trying to be friends I guess.” Kurt replied, looking down at his feet. Puck nods, because really what choice does he have? If he was honest with himself he knows he’d rather have Kurt in his life even if it is just as a friend than lose him all together.
“I can do that.” Puck replies, and he wants to desperately tell Kurt that he’ll be there if he needs him, and that he wants to give it another shot, but instead he gives Kurt a gentle clap on the shoulder and a smile. “I should go, I really do think your dad is plotting out my demise, and dude, he’s scary.” Kurt smiles but shakes his head and Puck lets him get to the door.
“I’ll see you at school Noah.” Kurt says and Pucks nods. He stands there for a few moments after Kurt’s disappeared into the house, before going back to his truck. Really Puck is pretty sure that he and Kurt won’t ever be anything other than friends again. Kurt isn’t going to trust Puck enough to give him his heart again, especially after Puck mangled it so badly the last time.
As much as Puck wishes that were different, he has to prepare himself for the fact that Kurt will probably never want to be particularly close to him again, even as friends. Puck knows he fucked up, just like Kurt knows he did. Puck knows there’s a difference though. Kurt hadn’t really intended to hurt his dad or his friends. He was trying to get away from his own pain, and he knew and apologized for, if that letter Mercedes has mentioned was any indication, what he was doing. Though he hadn’t meant to, he knew that it would hurt them, and he was sorry for that. Puck had hurt Kurt because he wanted to, that was a huge distinction. Still, there’s that little bit of hope in his chest that one day Kurt would be willing to give them another try, even if it’s unlikely and really why would Kurt open himself up to get hurt again like that? It wouldn’t make sense.
Still, Puck clings to that little bit of hope.
Disclaimer: I don't own em, I if I did glee would probably have to be on a different channel.
Rating: R-ish
Word count:7515
Warnings: Over abundance of naughty language, vague sex (mostly implied) non/dub con and attempted suicide, please read at your own risk!
Summary: When one of the football players finds out about Puck and Kurt, he makes Kurt an offer he decides, for Puck's sake, he can't refuse.
A/N: Ok, another prompt. This one is done for anon over at glee_kink It turned out to be rather monstrous at ten pages long. I didn't have this beta'd, which I probably should have. But I'm so thrilled to have finished it I'm just posting it.
In the beginning, they just started to hang out a little, with Glee club mostly, and then it began to narrow down to just a couple friends. Puck seemed to be trying to turn over a new leaf and the other Glee kids, with the exceptions of Finn and Quinn who still were not speaking to him, tried to support him. He was attempting to learn from his mistakes. Eventually Puck realized that Kurt wasn’t nearly as bad as he seemed to think he was, and was actually a really good listener. So they began to talk more frequently, and Puck realized, hell he kinda liked Kurt.
It wasn’t really supposed to happen. Noah Puckerman was a stud, he’d slept with half the mom’s in Lima, he was awesome, and he was so not gay, except apparently he kinda was, at least where Kurt Hummel was concerned, because damn it all to hell if he hadn’t somehow, fallen for the gayest kid in the state of Ohio. They went from being tolerant of each other to friends, and then Puck shoved Kurt up against a wall and kissed him. They never really talked about it; they just seemed to silently agree that they were kind of together now. It only expanded from there, Puck genuinely cared for Kurt. He however, wasn’t ready to come out to the whole school yet. He hadn’t wanted to tell Kurt about that, because really, he didn’t want a scene, but Kurt had simply assured him it was ok, that he understood.
So they carried on their relationship in secret. They spent time together outside of school, and left Lima all together when weekends permitted, but otherwise did not associate. Of course, Puck made sure the dumpster tossing stopped, and the slushies were becoming far less frequent for all involved, not just Kurt. Rarely, if Puck really couldn’t help himself he might grab Kurt for a quick kiss in a dark room, but otherwise the two made sure to not act any differently around each other.
Kurt was just about to leave for the day when he was yanked backwards into the boy’s bathroom. He stumbled, unable to stop the momentum he had built up and flinching slightly when his back came into contact with the paper towel dispenser. That was probably going to bruise. He looked up to see who had done that and felt coldness settle in his stomach. He didn’t know Jeffery Jackson particularly well, his time on the football team hadn’t really corresponded with Jeffery’s, but Kurt knew enough to know he was probably in trouble. He set his expression into a cool bored look however, and he almost didn’t flinch, as the much larger boy got closer.
“What the hell are you doing?” Kurt demanded trying to pull away from uncomfortable metal dispenser and put distance between him and Jackson.
“You made Puckerman a fag.” And Kurt blinks, because really what the fuck? “Would be a shame if that got out, what a fall, from badass to fairy.” He makes this noise in the back of his throat and shakes his head, like it’s a pity or something. Kurt’s heart is starting to beat a little fast and he begins to wonder just what the hell this is about.
“I don’t know what-” but he’s cut off as he’s backed into the wall again, and he really notices then just how big the other boy is. Kurt is nearly completely dwarfed by the bigger boy and he steadies himself for the blow he’s pretty sure it about to come.
“I saw you two.” And while Kurt is all set to protest, the look that he’s getting from the other boy makes all the blood drain out of his face, he knows. “And I’m willing to make you a deal.” Kurt remains silent and he feels his throat tighten a little at the vaguely predatory smile on Jackson’s face. “I’ll keep what I know a secret; Puckerman won’t lose the little respect he still has. The jocks won’t go after him with a vengeance, but in return, you have to do something for me.”
“What?” Kurt asks, because as much as he really doesn’t like where this is going, he doesn’t want Puck to get hurt.
“I hear you’re pretty good in bed.” Kurt’s face heats up but he refuses to look away or dignify that with any kind of response. “You fuck me, when I tell you to, how I tell you too, and Puckerman’s dirty little secret, will stay safe.”
“How do I know you won’t just tell everyone anyhow?” Kurt asks he hates that it’s come to this, that the rest of Puck’s high school experience could rest on this, because really Kurt isn’t sure he can do it.
“You’re just going to have to trust me on that, now aren’t you. Besides who wants to anyone to know they’re fucking the fag? You know though, I will go right out that door and tell everyone I see what I know about him if you don‘t agree.” Jackson sneers; Kurt flinches but finally averts his eyes and nods his agreement. He can’t let Puck go through what he goes through on a daily basis. It’s not that he doesn’t think Puck can handle it, but really, Puck doesn’t even know half of what actually happens to him. It gets much worse than dumpsters and slushies. Kurt loves Puck, as much as he wishes at this very moment he didn’t, he does. He loves him and he’ll do what it takes to protect him, even this.
“Ok.” And it’s so quiet that he almost hopes Jackson doesn’t hear it. Of course he does and pushes Kurt towards the wall again.
“Somehow I thought you’d say that.” He starts to unbuckle his belt before giving Kurt a rather wolfish smile. “On your knees Hummel.” Fighting the tears that burn behind his eyes, Kurt complies. He’s doing this for Puck; he’s making sure that Puck can come out on his own terms. Kurt hears the zipper being lowered and shuts his eyes.
*********************************
The next few weeks are torture.
It goes far beyond an occasional blowjob and Kurt begins to feel like he might be coming apart at the seams. Puck has no idea, things actually seem to be looking up for him, so Kurt continues to give himself up to Jackson and pretend it’s not killing him. It’s the third week that Kurt decides he doesn’t actually think he can keep this up. Hell, Jackson is starting to hurt him just to leave the marks, like he’s hoping Puck will see.
As it is, Kurt’s having a hard time keep his composure anytime Puck does try and get physical with him, because Christ all he can think about is being shoved up against something and being taken harshly. He knows Puck wouldn’t do that. He knows he should just tell Puck what the hell is going on, because he’s sure Puck can take care of himself and hell Puck would probably be angry that he did it to begin with, but he’d help make sure it came to a stop. Kurt needs it to stop.
It turns out that Kurt won’t have to tell Puck anything, because one day, while he’s lying lifelessly beneath Jackson, trying to pretend he’s anywhere but where he is and that it doesn’t hurt like hell every time the other boy moves, Puck walks into the room. Neither Kurt nor Jackson sees him and Puck walks right back out seething.
How could he? How could Kurt do that to him? After everything he’s been through already, he had been relying on Kurt not to hurt him and he had turned around and done exactly that. He waits until Kurt comes to him the next day, looking exhausted and somewhat pained, but before Kurt can actually open his mouth, Puck has him shoved against the locker.
“So when were you planning to tell me?” He demands and even though he’s angry, he does loosen his hold at the pained noise Kurt let’s out.
“Today, I should have told you sooner.” Kurt tells him and Puck grits his teeth before glaring, his fingers unconsciously tightening again.
“You cheating bastard.” Puck seethes and Kurt looks startled, opening his mouth to protest, Puck quickly cuts him off. “I can’t believe this. I can’t believe that I fell for this bullshit. It didn’t mean a damn thing did it. You know what, no I don’t care. Fuck you Hummel I don’t need this. I should have never gotten sucked into this shit with you.” Kurt just stares at him dumbfounded, because really Puck thinks he’s cheating on him?
“That isn’t what-” But Puck cuts him off and cuts him deep with his next words.
“I doesn’t matter, it’s not like anyone would ever want you for anything other than a good fuck anyway.” He shoves Kurt against the lockers again before stalking off, and Kurt just stands there, wondering what the hell just happened. Part of him wants to chase after Puck, and tell him exactly what he‘s been doing. What he was trying to do for him, but Puck’s parting statement hurt so fucking bad, that Kurt found himself rooted to the spot.
When Jackson comes around the corner and leers, Kurt quickly turns his back on him and when he steps up next to him to remind him of their deal Kurt shakes his head, because really he can’t be bothered to care right now. He was only doing that to help Puck and he hadn’t even tried to hear him out. He’d just gotten angry, dumped him, and then left him with a parting statement that hurt worse than what Jackson was doing to him. He’s saved by Mercedes who chooses that moment to come around the corner. She looks between the two, before slipping her hand through Kurt’s and dragging him away from the lockers.
He simply tells her that he he’s not feeling particularly well and if she would please mind passing that message onto Mr. Schue as he just wants to go home. She takes a good look at him before nodding. He looks awful. She gives him an affectionate squeeze reminds him that she loves him and to call her if he needs anything. He tries to smile, he really does but it doesn’t quite happen. He gratefully heads home, knowing that his father is still at work and he probably won’t bother him very much once he gets home.
*********************************
It’s been three days, and Kurt’s ready to make it stop. Jackson was stalking him through the halls, and Puck was alternating between ignoring him and giving him looks full of so much anger and hate that Kurt just kind of wants to die. He hates Jackson for getting him into this position in the first place, for taking everything away from him. He hates Puck for not even letting him explain, and for loving him so damn much he was willing to give up everything he had to keep the other boy safe. He hates that this is how he’s repaid, in pain and stony silence.
Most of all he hates himself for thinking that Puck would even care what he had done. Because really he was probably right, no one would ever want him. Not unless they were getting something out of the deal. He’s pretty sure now that’s he only reason Puck had been with him before. He really hates himself because he still kind of loves Puck, even though he wants to hate him and feel nothing else.
The dumpster diving has come back full force, as have the slushies, and Kurt finds himself not even caring that much. He deserves it anyway. It was stupid of him to think he should try and protect Puck. What kind of idiot was he? It wasn’t like Puck actually cared for him; he wouldn’t have completely shut him out if he had. He wouldn’t have said what he had. He was right, no one would want Kurt for anything, much less ever actually love him.
His friends are worried, and though he assures them several times he’s ok, no one is really buying it. The days pass and Kurt finds that he breaks a little more each day. His friends all thought he was strong, but honestly, he wasn’t. Not as strong as they seemed to think he was. He was barely hanging on and it wasn’t until Jackson yanked him into the bathroom and reminded him that he could still spill the beans about Puck that Kurt realized he just didn’t care anymore about keeping this secret. Kurt didn’t care, told him to go ahead; really he didn’t think anyone would believe him.
He wasn’t expecting Jackson to laugh and kiss him so hard he felt like his lips were bruised. He tried to shove him away, but Jackson just walked off. Kurt wasn’t sure what he should do at that point. He was drowning and he didn‘t see anything to help him keep afloat. His dad was worried, he knew that, but he didn’t know what to tell him, because really he was pretty sure his dad could not handle this. So he keeps trying to muddle through, trying to force back his breaking heart and the pain that throbs through his heart and his head every time he thinks of what Puck said and of what Jackson did.
After a week, Kurt decides he’s just to tired to care at all anymore. The breaking point, strangely enough comes in the form of a small fight with his father. It’s stupid and really, under any other circumstances they wouldn’t have even remembered it the next day. In Kurt’s mind however, it’s the very last puff that blew down his emotional house of straw. So he stops trying to stay afloat, he lets himself go under and he drowns.
He doesn’t react to Puck’s hateful stares, barely responds to Mercedes worry, and doesn’t even bother to answer when Jackson calls to him, in that tone of voice that he knows what’s about to come. Instead, Kurt cuts his last few classes, and goes home. He knows his father won’t be at home for a few hours yet. He sits despondently on his bed, fingering his cell phone, knowing he should at least say goodbye. So he writes a letter to his dad, telling him everything that’s happened, and apologizes several times for what he’s doing. He knows it won’t be enough; no amount of apology will make this better or any easier on his dad. Kurt hates himself for that too.
He takes the letter into the bathroom with him, and lays it next to his tub. He climbs in, not bothering to turn the water on, and he contemplates the knife he brought down with him. One of their better knives, he hates to ruin it this way. He laments briefly over destroying the knife before dragging it across both wrists, slicing deeply. He lets the knife lay loosely against his leg as he leans back in the tub and shuts his eyes, waiting for the end.
*********************************
When Mercedes cell phone rang before Glee started Mr. Schue glanced at her but allowed her to answer it. She glanced at the number before frowning, why on earth would Kurt be calling her from home? Was he still feeling sick? She was going to have to drag that boy to the doctor.
“Kurt what are you-Oh Mr. Hummel, hello.” and Mr. Schuester is suddenly watching her, why would Kurt’s father be calling Mercedes? He watches as the color drains out of Mercedes face and tears start flowing, but he doubts she even realizes it.
“He…No, Kurt wouldn’t do that!” However, her voice breaks, and her eyes are betraying her. “But he’s ok?” She sobs in what can only be described as relief, and buckles over her legs, so Will gently takes the phone from her to speak to Mr. Hummel. Out of the corner of his eye, he watches as Tina grabs Mercedes in a hug, but doesn’t ask for details. He listens to what Burt Hummel has to say and feels like his lunch might make a reappearance at this news. He thanks the man before hanging up and squatting down next to Mercedes.
“Do you need a ride?” He asked gently but she’s out of her seat without so much as a reply. The others are watching shell-shocked and he rather reluctantly decides they will find out one way or another, it might as well be from him. He knows they at least won’t spread it around the school. He swallows thickly, his tongue feeling heavy and too large in his mouth before meeting their eyes.
“Kurt’s in the hospital.” He knows he won’t be able to leave it at that, his friends love him, they’ll want to know what happened, how they can help, and sure enough, Artie pipes up immediately.
“Why?” His tone is sharp, and his eyes are guarded like he’d already come to the conclusion but was refusing to believe it.
“He,” Will clears his throat and attempts it again, he decides that being straight forward is the way to go. “He slit his wrists guys.” He’s never seen his kids get that still and be so quiet before. None of them moved they barely seemed to be breathing. It was Brittany who broke the silence, shaking her head vehemently.
“Kurt wouldn’t do that; he wouldn’t do that to his dad.” Before Will has a chance to reply Puck explodes out of his seat, knocking the chair over and drawing a startled squeak out of Santana who until that point had been shocked into silence. He runs out of the room at a dead sprint and Will suggests they go home, but when several of the kids remain seated, he decides to just let them sit there. He knew they were all thinking the same thing, Kurt had always been so strong, so put together what had happened to change that?
*********************************
When Puck gets to the hospital, a trip he doesn’t actually even remember, he’s surprised to see Mercedes folded against Burt Hummel’s chest in one of the hallways. Puck pauses when Burt glances up and his eyes darken before he pulls back from Mercedes and talks to her gently. She wipes her sleeve across her eyes before nodding and disappearing into what Puck can only assume is Kurt’s room. He backs up a step when Burt approaches him, yeah Puck’s a badass, but Burt Hummel is fucking scary.
“Get out of here.” And Puck can’t help but gawk at the older man; he just wanted to know how Kurt was. He still cared, he was just angry.
“I just-” but he’s cut off before he can continue.
“You’ve done plenty.” Something in his voice makes something cold spread through Puck and he swallows with some difficulty.
“What the hell happened?” Puck asks, but it’s not demanding he’s concerned and he doesn’t want to be, but damnit he is! Burt seems unimpressed, and takes in a deep breath through his teeth, anger radiating off him in waves.
“If you think I’m letting you get anywhere near my boy again you are sorely mistaken.” Puck’s actually a little afraid, Burt Hummel is big, and he’s pissed and Puck is sure he’d rip him apart with his bare hands if he thought for one moment he was going to do anything to upset his son. Puck wants to snap that he has a right to be angry, but Burt is suddenly looking in the direction of Kurt’s room. “I had no idea he would do something like that for anyone, god how could he let someone do that to him?” Before Puck can question him on that statement, he’s heading into his son’s room and Puck is not stupid or suicidal enough to follow him.
So he waits in the hard plastic chairs in the hall, and he’s still there when Mercedes comes out half an hour later. When she spots him, she starts heading over and Puck thinks he’s finally going to get some answers. What he gets instead is a slap that’s so hard he’s pretty sure he chipped a couple of his teeth. He turns to stare at her, she has anger in her eyes, but the tears falling make her look kind of pathetic, and he really can’t find it in him to be furious with her.
“Do you really not know what he was doing for you?” Her voice is low and kind of threatening and Puck is suddenly somewhat worried that Mercedes is going to kick his ass. If Kurt’s dad beat him up, well then at least he could say it was a dude, but he’d never live it down if Mercedes beat the living shit out of him.
“I honestly have no idea what the hell is going on.” He snapped, and Mercedes expression wavers before it falls and she sits down next to him.
“I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I don’t think Kurt’s going to be in any condition to talk to you about it. No, actually I don’t think he even wants to at this point, I probably wouldn’t know if he wasn’t so doped up on pain killers that he didn’t know what he was saying.” She wipes her eyes and looks down at her hands. Puck is suddenly feeling really uneasy and he doesn’t know what to say. He wants to tell her to just let it out, tell him what the fuck happened, where it went so wrong that Kurt tried to take this way out. He listens to her sad sigh before she finally starts talking again.
“I know you think he cheated on you, but he didn’t.” Puck goes to open his mouth to protest, because he knows damn well what he saw, but she continues before he can. “One of the jocks cornered him and told him that he’d seen the two of you. Threatened to out you to the school, not you as a couple, but you Puck.” Puck’s palms are suddenly kind of sweaty and his heart is hammering away, like he already knows where this is going but his brain is refusing to acknowledge it. “He was trying to protect you, God only knows why. So he agreed to a deal…what you saw was part of that deal. He didn‘t want to be the reason for any more suffering, and someone took advantage of that, advantage of him.”
“No...” the denial is out before Puck can stop it, and he feels like he’s been drenched with ice water. Kurt couldn’t do something like that for him that was stupid; didn’t Kurt think he could take care of himself?! But then that conversation came back to bite him in the ass, where he was adamant about not wanting to come out, not being ready to come out. So Kurt had done what he could to try to make sure that didn’t happen, and dear god, why the hell would Kurt do that? Why wouldn’t he have just come to Puck and told him what was going on? He didn’t realize he asked that aloud until Mercedes answered her voice decidedly less sympathetic this time.
“That’s what he was trying to tell you when you accused him of cheating and made that awful comment about no one ever wanting him. Yeah he mentioned that too, I think it was part of the letter that he wrote his dad. I wouldn’t expect to get anywhere near Kurt for a while if Mr. Hummel is around.”
“I…I didn’t mean that.” Honestly, he hadn’t. He was angry and he wanted to hurt Kurt, so he had, but he hadn’t actually meant it! The color had rapidly drained out of Puck’s face and he turned stricken eyes on Mercedes. “Why would he…this doesn’t make sense.”
“Yeah well he kind of loved you, you monumental dumbass.” Mercedes snapped standing and trying to rid her face of tears. “You might as well go home; Mr. Hummel isn’t going to let you get within ten feet of Kurt anytime soon. Can‘t say I blame him.” For the first time in his life, Puck listened to Mercedes Jones, gathered his stuff and left.
*********************************
Two days later, he was back.
After having done a little digging not only had he found out who had made this deal with Kurt, but that he tried to continue to take advantage of the situation even after Puck had crushed Kurt’s spirit. Maybe it was a bit melodramatic, but really he thought he had with that stupid mean statement. He’d heard all the other glee kids talking about their visits, all making sure to keep what happened quiet, because the last thing they wanted was this information to leak out. He personally made sure that Jeffery Jackson wouldn’t be talking anytime soon. Or moving for that matter.
Puck knew he had to talk to Kurt, because even if any chance they ever had was crushed beyond all reason now, he had to talk to him, see him with his own two eyes and know that he would in fact survive. So he waited, he knew Mr. Hummel couldn’t be there all the time, and he eventually found the time when Mr. Hummel did in fact leave. He heard him tell Kurt he would only be gone for an hour, and then he finally left. Puck had just managed to duck out of his line of sight, and once he disappeared into the elevator, he crept into Kurt’s room.
He took a few moments to look at Kurt, the smaller boys eyes were closed, long lashes brushing against his cheeks. His face was pale and lined, and as Puck’s eyes traveled down he caught sight of the gauze encased wrists. The thought of the damage under those bandages made Puck nearly throw up. He must have gagged or made a noise of some kind because Kurt’s eyes opened. It took him a moment to seem to register who was in the room with him, and when he did, he seemed to sink back further into the pillows.
“What are you doing here?” Kurt’s voice was so small and weak that Puck almost wanted to leave. Instead, he set his jaw and sat down next to the other boy.
“We need to talk.” He informed him. “Your dad isn’t here, so forget about having him chase me off.”
“What? My dad isn‘t chasing anyone off, the others have all been by.” Kurt looks so bewildered that Puck thinks maybe Kurt hadn’t asked his father to keep Puck away from him. Then he remembered what Mercedes said about a letter, and oh…yeah if Kurt’s dad knew about what he said, yeah he was probably keeping Puck away all on his own. That also meant Kurt probably thought Puck hadn’t come to see him on purpose. He wanted to protest, tell Kurt he’d been there on the day it happened, but decided that wasn’t important at the moment.
“Nevermind, listen Kurt ok? Just listen to what I have to say.” And Kurt nods like he’s willing to do whatever it takes to get Puck the hell out of his room. “I wish you had just told me what Jackson did. I could have handled it, God Kurt, why would you do that? How could you let him do that to you?”
“You’re really still asking me that?” Kurt asked, disbelief warring with weariness in his voice. “Really, after everything you’re still this dim? I loved you Noah. I don’t think you understand what it’s actually like to be gay here. Dumpsters and slushies are a cake walk.” Kurt’s voice cracks and the tears start then. Puck wants to comfort him, but is pretty damn sure he‘s lost that right. “People make threatening phone calls, people have thrown rocks through the windows of my home, I’ve had people throw ‘holy’ water on me, and twice now, people have tried to exorcise the gayness out. I didn’t want you to have to deal with that, I wanted to protect you from the parts you didn‘t know about.”
“Kurt,” Puck reaches out, frowning when Kurt’s hand flinches away from his touch. “I’m sorry that you’ve gone through all that, but you should have put more faith in me, in my ability to handle the bad stuff.” Kurt lets out a laugh that’s borderline hysterical.
“Oh yeah, because you handled me just trying to talk to you so well, I know what I did was stupid ok? Everyone is more than happy to point that out that I did something really stupid for someone who didn’t deserve it, and the then followed that up with something both stupid and selfish.” Puck flinches at that, but Kurt doesn’t seem to be watching, he’s staring down at his wrists. “I was trying to protect you; you made it clear in more ways than one you weren’t ready to be out. Which is why I did what I did…he was going to take that control from you, and I couldn’t let him do that, couldn‘t be the reason that you lost anything else.” Kurt wipes at his face and Puck feels his fingers curl around the railing on the bed.
“You were going to tell me everything?” Puck questions and Kurt nods. Somehow Puck knows that Kurt really was going to tell him, and it makes him feel even worse.
“That day, I…god Noah I needed help, I couldn’t keep doing that, not even for you. It doesn’t matter anyway; you made it perfectly clear what you think of me. The faith you want me to have in you, well I had it then. Funny, it doesn‘t really seem like that faith was very well founded.” And Kurt carefully rolls onto his side, his back to Puck. The bigger boy flinches, that had stung. He knows he hurt Kurt far too deeply and he’s beginning to wonder if he can be mended.
“I didn’t really mean that. I was angry, I wanted to hurt you, but I didn’t mean it.”
“You’ll forgive me of course, if I don’t take your word for it.” Kurt said, but it lacked its usual bite. Puck could almost smile at the attempt, but he just couldn’t do it. He watches as Kurt picks at the edge of the bandages before feeling a lump form in his throat. So he tries to get an answer for the question he had originally asked, why Kurt had done it.
“I know you thought you were protecting me, but why would you let Jackson do that to you, why did you think this was you‘re only way out?” Puck finally asks he really can’t figure it out.
“It came down to a choice Noah. Either let him have his way and you’d be spared some extra torment I wasn’t sure you could handle or let him tell anyone he saw, and take the gamble on if people would believe it or not. I get it, I made the wrong choice, and it got bad enough that I couldn’t do it anymore. Couldn’t deal with him or you or anything else, yeah I get it, I fucked up, tried to take the easy way out.” Kurt sounds so tired, and that lump in Puck’s throat feels bigger.
“You scared the shit out of everyone.” Puck says suddenly and he’s struck by a rather horrific thought and turns serious eyes on the other boy. “You won’t try this again will you?” And it’s silent for just a beat to long before Kurt lets out a low sigh.
“No, I won’t.” He keeps his back to Puck, keeps his eyes on his wrists. “I didn’t intend to survive Puck, if my dad hadn’t come home when he did I probably wouldn’t have. I realize that I could have potentially killed him too with this. There won’t be another attempt.”
“Are you saying you won’t for your dad, or because you actually mean it?” Puck blurts out and Kurt doesn’t actually reply to that. Puck wants to lunge out of his chair and take Kurt in his arms, promising to never hurt him again, protect him, and make him remember he’s too good for this kind of thing. He wants to do all of that, but what he ends up doing is leaning over the railing and over Kurt’s back to catch one of Kurt’s hands in his, and hang on. “Promise me you won’t do anything stupid.” Puck means for it to sound strong and borderline demanding, it comes out sounding like pathetic begging though.
“I’m on psychiatric lockdown Noah, what could I possible do?” Puck’s about to respond, demand to know why the hell Kurt’s on lockdown when Burt Hummel’s decidedly cold voice speaks up from the doorway.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Puck freezes, shit he had planned to be gone by the time Kurt’s dad got back, had it really been an hour? He realizes a moment later he’s squeezing Kurt’s fingers, and releases his hand, almost afraid to look at the other boy. If he takes his eyes of Burt, he isn’t sure what might happen. He can only imagine how this must look, with Kurt twisted away from him and Puck crowded into his space anyway.
“It’s ok dad, he was just leaving.” Kurt says softly, and really, Puck can’t argue with that. So he straightens, throws Kurt one last pleading look and leaves, squeezing past Mr. Hummel and trying to pretend he doesn’t feel the angry stare on his back.
*********************************
Puck doesn’t return to the hospital.
There are several reasons for this, but the biggest one is he can’t try and make it up to Kurt if he’s dead, and he’s pretty sure Kurt’s dad will kill him if he catches him anywhere near his son. Not that he could actually blame him for it. Puck couldn’t figure out how he couldn’t see how bad things were getting for Kurt. Really had he been wrapped up so far in his own drama that he couldn’t see that Kurt was falling apart before his eyes? That it had gotten to the point where Kurt thought death was the only way out? Puck sort of hates himself for that. Because as much as he thought Kurt should have had faith in his ability to handle what Jackson was trying to do, Puck should have had faith that Kurt wouldn’t purposefully hurt him. He did a little research and found out why Kurt would be on lockdown, the words suicide risk echoed in his brain, and made him shudder. He didn’t want to think of Kurt like that, refused to think of him like that.
The more he thought about it, the angrier he got. At Jackson, at himself, at Kurt for not reaching out, his anger at Kurt fades pretty quickly, honestly he doesn’t really even think he should be allowed to think about Kurt, not after how he’d treated him. Yes, Kurt agreeing to that deal with Jackson was stupid, but Puck could see in hindsight why Kurt thought he was protecting him. Puck had made a pretty big fuss about not wanting to come out.
He sends others with letters that he never gets a response to. He can’t tell if Kurt just isn’t bothering to read them, or it hurts to write so he doesn’t, or if Kurt’s even getting them. For all he knows the others just aren’t giving him the notes or Mr. Hummel is intercepting them. He doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t really talk to any of the Glee kids about it, and as far as he knows only Mercedes knew about what he and Kurt had. Probably as a favor to Kurt, she’s kept her mouth shut about it. Which is better than when he told her about being the father of Quinn’s baby, the others gleeks knew about it probably within hours.
Finally after two weeks, Kurt is released from the hospital, so Puck begins to stakeout his house. He’s a little alarmed at his newly developed stalker like tendencies, but he honestly wants to apologize. He’s not stupid enough to think he’ll ever get another chance with Kurt, but he wants to try and help, make things a little better. So he waits until he knows that Burt isn’t home and rings the doorbell. After a few moments of standing there, shifting impatiently, Kurt answers the door, Puck vaguely wonders if Kurt is by himself.
“Please don’t slam the door in my face.” Puck says quickly. Kurt stares at him for a moment before stepping out onto the porch and shutting the door, crossing his arms over his chest, and watching Noah warily.
“What are you doing here Noah?” And it’s an unconscious echo of the hospital greeting.
“I wanted to apologize. I don’t know if you got my letters.” He rubs the back of his neck suddenly feeling awkward and embarrassed about the situation. He isn’t sure how he should be acting around Kurt. He doesn’t want to be too protective, but he doesn’t want to come off as an asshole either.
“I got them.” He doesn’t say anything else, just a confirmation that he indeed received them. Puck worries at his lower lip, a habit that he rarely indulges in.
“Did…did you read them?”
“What are you doing here?” Kurt asks again, not responding to his question. Puck feels his stomach drop and he looks down at his shoes, before glancing back up at Kurt whose eyes are guarded, but his face is weary and tired.
“I just…I wanted to apologize. I should have heard you out, and I should never have said what I did. I was hurt and upset and I lashed out at you because I was mad.”
“I know Noah, you’ve already said this.” Kurt edges back towards the door a little and Puck wants to keep him from disappearing back into the house, so he shifts slightly to block the way.
“I know, but really I didn’t mean what I said. I know you think I did, but I was just looking for a way to hurt you like I was hurting.” Kurt made a soft sound in the back of his throat and Puck realizes that it isn’t that Kurt doesn’t believe he’s sorry, Kurt doesn’t believe he means it, that he isn’t wrong. Puck swallows thickly before reaching out for Kurt. He needs to fix that, right now.
“Don’t.” Kurt says softly, taking a step back. Puck can’t let him do that though, and eventually keeps advancing until Kurt’s backed up against the railing on the porch.
“I didn’t mean it Kurt, there are plenty of people in life who do and will want you, just for you, I did…I still do.” Puck isn’t usually so sentimental or cheesy, but Christ, he can’t help himself. Kurt isn’t look at him, but Puck invades his space, and Kurt’s hands go up to try and ward him off.
“Stop it Noah.” Kurt’s voice is choked, but Puck can’t just stop. He has to make Kurt understand. So he pushes forward, not caring when Kurt’s hands push on his chest. He folds his arms around Kurt and feels the smaller boy stiffen, the hands on his chest push with more pressure, but Puck isn’t letting go. He feels the shivers that go through Kurt’s body before he breaks and the tears start. It had surprised Puck the first time he saw Kurt cry, just silent tears that rolled down his face.
Puck has always hated to see Kurt cry though, and he hates it even more knowing that he’s the cause. Puck isn’t sure how long they stood like that; he murmured that he was sorry and he didn’t mean it, while Kurt cried silently. Puck doesn’t know what else he can do, how he can make Kurt understand that he really is sorry, that he wished he could rewind time and fix this before it got so out of hand. Finally the tears seem to slow and Puck pulls away slightly.
“You should probably get cleaned up some; I’m already on your dad’s shit list…if he sees you like this it will probably result in my murder.” Puck tries to joke, but part of him actually kind of means it. Kurt shakes his head running his sleeve over his eyes and sniffling. It’s silent for a few moments before Puck starts talking, he hates the silence. “So how upset is your dad anyway?” Puck wishes he hadn’t asked that really isn’t any of his business.
“He’s pretty angry, and rightfully so. I guess I‘m lucky he‘s at least talking to me.” Kurt replied sounding congested. Puck thinks that Kurt’s dad is probably more worried and scared than he is angry. He knows Kurt’s all his dad has left, and if he lost him, well shit Puck didn’t want to think about the what could have beens. Puck uses his thumb to wipe away another tear. He hates seeing Kurt like this; he isn’t supposed to be like this. Kurt isn’t supposed to suffer.
“What I really want to know is how you’re doing.” Puck says finally, all he really wants is for Kurt to answer him honestly, and he watches the other boys face, and after a moment, Kurt sighs and looks at Puck briefly.
“I’m doing better.” He tells him before leaving Puck’s hold completely and turning back towards his door. “I feel stupid and bad, but better than I did.” Puck wants to argue with that, because stupid and bad didn’t sound all that good. If Kurt considered that better, Puck wasn’t sure he even wanted to know what he felt like before. Puck didn’t want to know how Kurt must have felt before to even consider, let alone attempt to kill himself.
“Are we ya know…ok?” Puck finally asks, and Kurt’s quiet for a little to long before he answers.
“No, not really, but I think eventually we could be.”
“What do we do now?” Puck asks, because he really isn’t sure. He would be lying if he said he didn’t wish Kurt’s answer had been yes, we’re ok. But it wasn’t, so he was going to have to deal with that. He was just as much to blame for everything that happened as Jackson or Kurt was, at least in Puck’s opinion.
“We go back to trying to be friends I guess.” Kurt replied, looking down at his feet. Puck nods, because really what choice does he have? If he was honest with himself he knows he’d rather have Kurt in his life even if it is just as a friend than lose him all together.
“I can do that.” Puck replies, and he wants to desperately tell Kurt that he’ll be there if he needs him, and that he wants to give it another shot, but instead he gives Kurt a gentle clap on the shoulder and a smile. “I should go, I really do think your dad is plotting out my demise, and dude, he’s scary.” Kurt smiles but shakes his head and Puck lets him get to the door.
“I’ll see you at school Noah.” Kurt says and Pucks nods. He stands there for a few moments after Kurt’s disappeared into the house, before going back to his truck. Really Puck is pretty sure that he and Kurt won’t ever be anything other than friends again. Kurt isn’t going to trust Puck enough to give him his heart again, especially after Puck mangled it so badly the last time.
As much as Puck wishes that were different, he has to prepare himself for the fact that Kurt will probably never want to be particularly close to him again, even as friends. Puck knows he fucked up, just like Kurt knows he did. Puck knows there’s a difference though. Kurt hadn’t really intended to hurt his dad or his friends. He was trying to get away from his own pain, and he knew and apologized for, if that letter Mercedes has mentioned was any indication, what he was doing. Though he hadn’t meant to, he knew that it would hurt them, and he was sorry for that. Puck had hurt Kurt because he wanted to, that was a huge distinction. Still, there’s that little bit of hope in his chest that one day Kurt would be willing to give them another try, even if it’s unlikely and really why would Kurt open himself up to get hurt again like that? It wouldn’t make sense.
Still, Puck clings to that little bit of hope.