Fic: Thought You'd Always Be There
Title: Thought You'd Always Be there
Disclaimer: I don't own em, I if I did glee would probably have to be on a different channel.
Rating: R
Spoilers: Er lets say through season one.
Characters: Kurt, Finn, The Hudmels, the Glee Club.
Warnings: Character death I repeat Character death, language, talk of death/dying, serious illness. Angst overload.
Word count: 8,839-Yeah it's a long one.
Summary: Kurt just wants to see the Glee Club one last time.
A/N: Filled for This prompt over at the angst meme. Please read it before reading the story! I've been working on this for about a week now (Give or take a few days) and honestly I'm just happy I'm finished with it! I hope the OP likes it!
BEFORE YOU CONTINUE MAKE SURE YOU READ THE AUTHOR NOTES AND WARNINGS PLEASE!
When Finn quietly entered Kurt’s apartment, he was pleased to see that his stepbrother was not only awake, but he seemed to be having one of his better days.
“Hey man.” He greeted, taking a seat in his favorite recliner. He had a feeling Kurt had bought that recliner, because he knew Finn would be coming around and that he would like it. Kurt looked up and smiled, and Finn thought it was tragic that he was almost use to seeing those dark circles under his eyes. He would never get to use to seeing how pale and thin Kurt had gotten though.
“Hey, you just missed Dad and Carole.” He informed him.
“Yeah, I passed them in the car actually. You look better today.”
“It’s a good day.” He set aside the note pad he had in his lap and turned serious eyes to Finn. “Listen Finn, I want you to do me a favor.” Finn’s heart sunk, this was probably going to be one of those, ‘before I die…’ things that Finn really hated, but couldn’t actually deny Kurt of.
“I’d like to see the original glee members again.” Finn was mildly surprised, but nodded.
“You want me to track em down for you? That shouldn’t be a problem.”
“Yeah, in case you can’t find someone….or in case they don’t come, I’m writing letters…” He trailed off motioning to the pad in his lap.
“I’m sure they will.” Finn hurried to reassure. “And you want to see them all? Even…Even Mercedes?” Kurt and Mercedes had remained the close after high school, until Mercedes boyfriend made a pass at Kurt, and Mercedes believed him over Kurt when he said it was the other way around. It had hurt Kurt tremendously, the loss of his best friend. Finn had viewed it as a betrayal really, if Mercedes could so easily disregard Kurt’s character than she didn’t deserve him anyway.
“Maybe especially her.” Kurt said with a careful shrug. “Just, if you could find them, I’d appreciate it. If not, it’s really not that big of a deal.”
“Don’t worry, I got it.” He spent another hour talking with Kurt, before he drifted off and Finn quietly retreated into the bedroom he used when he thought Kurt was to sick to be left alone, and began his search. After nearly three hours, he had managed to track down a phone number for each member of the glee club. He worked his way down his list.
Artie had been pleased to hear the sound of his voice, and then asked laughing how many Finn Hudson’s he thought he knew, when Finn had tacked on “From McKinley”. He loathed to put such a damper on the mood, but he had to break the news to Artie, and it’s quiet for a few beats before Artie spoke again. He sounded choked when he told him of course he’d come. In fact, he said he’d be there tomorrow.
Tina answered her phone cheerfully, and Finn remembered her being somewhat cheerful in school, but not nearly as much as she appeared to be now. They made idle chitchat for a few moments before he had to break the news to her. She sucked in a deep horrified breath before assuring him that she would get the first ticket she could get out and come down.
He has to leave a message for Rachel, and he hoped that she would get it in time. She had been one of the most difficult to locate, as she seemed to split her time between New York and London, and he had no way of knowing where exactly she was currently. While she and Kurt hadn’t been particularly close, he knew she would at least want to say goodbye.
Quinn cried when he explained the situation. Once she had become friends with Mercedes in high school, she had become friends with Kurt too. She still lived in Lima, less than twenty minutes away from Kurt’s apartment actually, and she promised that she would be by sometime after dinner. She also made a vow that she was going to be around until the end. She felt she owed him that at least.
Mercedes was hesitant to talk to him, he could hear it in her voice, but once he explained what was going on, why he was calling her, she just expressed surprise that Kurt would even want to see her after what happened. Finn made sure to point out he could just have Kurt send her a letter, but she adamantly refused, she needed to see her boy. She missed him; she wanted to apologize for what had happened between them. She told Finn she’d be there in two days time.
Santana and Brittany he was able to knock out in one call. The two were roommates, or whatever those two actually were, and when he explained the situation to Santana, she assured him in a firm voice that she and Brittany would be there. They just had to take two finals before they could go, but they were both within the next two days, but they would definitely be there just as soon as they were done.
Puck didn’t answer when he called, so he left him a message. He wasn’t sure if Puck would actually come. It wasn’t as if he and Kurt had ever been close. They might have been more tolerant of each other towards the end, and Puck did try to curb his mouth when he was around Kurt, but they hadn’t ever been friends. Still, Kurt said everyone, so he includes Puck in that list.
Mike and Matt he was able to knock out in a call as well. The two shared an apartment and as he recounted the story yet again and it never got easier for him, having to tell people that his brother was dying. Mike promised to be there by Monday and Matt promised to follow just as soon as he can get out of work.
Finn had debated about including Mr. Schue in the list, but Kurt said the original glee club, he figured that Mr. Schue counted in that right? So he had called and left a message when he didn’t pick up, and he’s tired of having to repeat the same thing. Still he finishes his message, leaves a call back number, and hangs up before rubbing his eyes.
It had taken two hours, but he had completed what Kurt asked. He peeks back into the living room, to see Kurt’s awake again, and writing more letters.
“Quinn said she’ll be by this evening.” He informed him, and Kurt smiled. “I got a hold of everyone but Rachel, Puck, and Mr. Schue, I left them messages. And everyone said they would be coming out some point within the next week. Artie will be here tomorrow.”
“Thank you Finn.”
“Sure. Now do you think you could eat something?” He doesn’t actually wait for a reply; he goes to make something anyway.
*************
As promised around seven thirty, Quinn showed up. She greeted Finn with a hug at the door, and he took her coat as she walked further into the room. She saw Kurt then, propped up in a hospital style bed in the middle of his living room and burst into tears. Finn visibly panicked at the sight, because he’d never been good with tears.
Kurt just held an arm out for her, and she hurried into it, burying her head into his shoulder and sobbed out her denials. This wasn’t fair; something like this wasn’t supposed to happen to him, not to Kurt. He was supposed to have gotten the hell out of Lima. As she managed to get herself under control, she pulled away a little, taking a seat near Kurt’s bed.
“How long have you been sick?” She asked a little roughly and Kurt sighed before replying.
“About three years…shortly after freshman year of college.”
“Oh Kurt…” She couldn’t believe he’d been sick for so long.
“It’s been almost four actually, it was aggressive.” Finn said, feeling like he should fill the awkward silence. “We’ve tried everything, but it’s just…”
“It’s too much unfortunately.” Kurt supplied, shooting Finn a concerned glance. “I just wanted to see everyone again, before I go. Tell you guys I’m sorry for loosing touch.”
“That goes both ways Kurt; we could have just as easily kept in touch with you.” Quinn argued. “I do hope you realize that I’m going to be sticking around. I…I can help. I’m an LPN now.”
“Are you? That’s fantastic Quinn.” and Kurt smiled at her. It broke her heart just a little, because she got to make something out of her life, he wouldn’t.
“The community college in Akron offered the program, I couldn’t really afford to do the RN program, but the LPN was only two years, and I got a good job here.”
“That’s fantastic.” Kurt said and she could tell he was genuinely pleased, honestly happy for her.
“So I’m going to be sticking around. And don’t argue, with me, because I’m going to whether you want me to or not.” She informed him matter of factly. Kurt wheezed out a painful sounding laugh and she regretted the sound immediately.
“Don’t make me laugh.” Kurt pleaded, wheezing. “I wouldn’t send you away Quinn.”
“Good, because you’d fail.” She said and he smiled.
“Now, Finn do you need help tracking the others down?” She asked, going into her take-charge mode.
“Nope, I found em all, had to leave some messages, but everyone I talked to said they were coming. Artie will actually be here tomorrow. He’s going to call me later with his flight details.” Kurt nodded, and the trio chatted until Kurt fell asleep.
“How long Finn?” Finn glanced up before realizing what she was asking.
“A month, maybe.” Tears flood her eyes again, and she nodded.
“He…He seems ok with it.”
“I think he actually is. He knew when they diagnosed him the outcome probably wouldn’t be good, but he was fighting it anyhow. They expected him to last a year. He lasted three, almost four now, he‘s had a while to come to terms with what would happen.”
“Is he in a lot of pain?”
“Usually, he doesn’t say anything about it though. Just sort of takes it as part of being sick.”
“Why isn’t he in the hospital?” And Finn cast a glance back over at Kurt.
“He didn’t want to die there. Not surrounded by the smell of sickness and death, and people he didn’t know buzzing around him all the time. Not like his mom did.” Quinn nodded sharply before standing and fussing with the blankets that covered Kurt.
“Well, I’m here to help now. Give me a call tomorrow at some point, and I’ll bring you guys something to eat.”
“Did you want to come around when Artie’s here?”
“Maybe, check with Kurt and Artie; see how they feel about it.” Quinn said, and Finn nodded, seeing her out and shutting the door behind her. It had been good to see her, but he really, really wished that the circumstances had been better.
*************
He picked Artie up from the airport in Akron at ten. He looks different, but the same all at once and he grinned, slapping a hand on his shoulder. “Hey man.” He greets and Artie smiled, while pushing his glasses up his nose.
“Hello Finn, you seem even more gigantic than I remember.” And Finn laughed at that. He sobered pretty quickly, before gathering Artie’s bags.
“Listen Man, I really appreciate you coming, I know Kurt will too. I should warn you though; he’s having a bad day today.”
“How bad is bad?” Artie asked immediately concerned.
“He isn’t breathing to well, so he actually has to use the nasal cannula today. If he falls asleep while you’re talking to him, don’t take it personally, he gets worn out at the littlest things now. He has his good days and his bad days.”
“Just how bad is it Finn?”
“He’s real thin, doesn’t eat much. He looks…he looks sick, like he‘s dying.”
“Who’s with Kurt now?” Artie asked a little alarm at the idea of Kurt being alone creeping into his voice.
“My mom. Kurt tries to keep Burt busy, sends him on lots of errands. Burt wants to be there, but we can all see it’s killing him. He already watched his wife waste away due to cancer, and now his son too. Kurt held on longer, so in some ways I think it might be worse.”
“What?”
“His mom, she died after a year. Kurt’s lasted almost four, Burt‘s had more time to watch it take hold. I mean plus, no parent should have to outlive their kid, ya know?” Artie couldn’t even imagine how terrible that was, to watch the two most important people in your life succumb to the same disease it was horrifying.
“How’s your mom handling it?” Artie asked, allowing Finn to push him to the car.
“Not all that well. I mean better than Burt, but still. She sees Kurt as her son, so it’s pretty bad.”
“I just can’t believe Kurt is dying.” Artie murmured once their safely in the car and on their way to Kurt’s apartment. “Not him, he was always like, indestructible or something.”
“I know, believe me, I know.” The trip was filled with idle chat and once they actually arrived, Finn made quick work of getting Artie into the apartment. He was pleased to see that Kurt was awake, if not looking like he was in pain.
“Kurt, my man.” Artie said, drawing a smile out of Kurt, and when Artie lifted his fist to bump, Kurt complied. “You look like shit.” While Carole looked horrified, Kurt managed a wheezing laugh, which almost immediately sent him into a coughing fit. Artie looked guilty, but Kurt waved it off.
“Yes, well I feel like it.”
“I’ll be back later ok?” Carole said, giving Kurt’s hand an affectionate squeeze before leaving the room, she resisted the urge to take Finn with her.
“Bye.” Kurt said lifting a hand to wave.
“You want something to drink?” Finn offered and Artie shook his head.
“I’m glad to see you are not wearing a belt and suspenders, Artie.” Artie can’t help but laugh; it was just such a Kurt thing to say.
“Yes, well a friend of mine once threw a fit about it.”
“I hardly threw a fit. I just simply refused to allow you to embarrass yourself further.” The humor faded out of the room and Artie frowned.
“Shit Kurt, this wasn’t suppose to happen. Weren’t you supposed to be a fashion icon by now?”
“Ah, I didn’t actually study fashion in school.” Kurt admitted and Finn spoke up.
“Kurt was going to be a lawyer. He likes to argue and all.” Kurt rolled his eyes, but glanced at Artie who looked a strange mix of surprised and pleased.
“You would have made a good one.”
“Yeah, well what could have been right? So what about you?”
“I’m in a graphic arts program.” Kurt nodded with a smile.
“You’ll be good at that.” Kurt only lasted a few more moments before he drifted off to sleep. Arties fingers reflexively gripped and released the wheels on his chair.
“I knew it was going to be bad, but not like this. He doesn’t look like he’s going to last out the week.”
“The doctors say a month, at most. He could really go anytime. He wanted to talk to everyone before he went. See them, talk to em once more. I think he’ll hang on long enough to do that.”
“I’ve finished all my finals, I…I plan to stick around. If that’s ok.”
“It should be fine. Are you staying with your parents?” Artie nodded and Finn offered him a ride.
“If you need to go over, I can call Quinn. She said to call her anytime.”
“No, I’ll stay for a while anyway.”
Kurt slept until dinnertime when Quinn showed up with Chinese. Artie watched as she fussed slightly before Kurt sent her away to the dinner table with an amused smile.
Quinn ended up driving Artie to his folks place, and he wasn’t ashamed to admit, he may have really needed that hug his mother gave him.
*************
Tina showed up with Puck. He hadn’t called Finn back, but he showed up anyway. They had run into each other at the bus station, and decided to catch a cab together. Which was probably a good thing considering Puck wasn’t exactly sure where Kurt lived. Finn had been surprised when he opened the door but grateful anyway.
“Good timing, Artie isn’t here yet, and Quinn just left for work. It’s a rare in-between time.”
Tina reacted much like Quinn. The tears started and she quickly made her way to Kurt, who looked even worse than he had yesterday if Finn was honest. Still Kurt did his best to consol her, reassure her, tell her he missed her and that he was so happy she came. Puck just stood there before glancing at Finn.
“Dude, you said he was dying, you didn’t say that he was pretty much there.”
“If he wasn’t “pretty much there” do you really think I’d have called you?” Puck had to concede to that point. Puck waited until Tina had pulled away and tried to put herself back together when Puck raised a hand.
“Sup Hummel.”
“Noah,” He acknowledged. “Didn’t actually think you’d come, thought I’d have to send you a letter.”
“Ah, I thought I should grace you with my presence, I mean you’ve been without it for long. Admit it, you missed me.”
“Oh yes, I cried myself to sleep at night.”
“Of course you did, I’m a stud.”
“That didn’t even make sense.” Kurt said with a grin and Puck shrugged.
“It doesn’t have to, I’m awesome.” Before that could get any further, the doorbell rang, indicating that Artie had arrived. Finn opened the door and ushered him in. If Artie’s surprised to see Puck or Tina, he doesn’t show it, just nods briefly in greeting and wheels himself over to the side of Kurt’s bed.
“So, my mother has officially lost her mind.” Artie announced, and Kurt raised an eyebrow at him. “She knew, about your being sick and all, and she’s currently knitting you a blanket, which is a terrible shade of orange.” Kurt smiled in a way that seemed like he wanted to laugh, but couldn’t find the energy to do so.
“Dude, why?” Puck asked, baffled.
“I don’t know she just started freaking out about home comforts or something. It was hard to understand her. But when I asked her why orange she said it was a happy color, like yellow, only she couldn‘t find any yellow.”
“Well, I appreciate the thought.” Kurt said before he started coughing. Tina hovered unsure of what to do, until Kurt finally stopped, chest wheezing and he tried to get more air into his lungs. Tina finally takes to rubbing soothing circles on his shoulder while Artie busied himself with getting him water. Puck turned horrified eyes on Finn at the sight of blood on Kurt’s chin.
“Its spread, it’s in his lungs now…that happens sometimes.” Once Kurt has stopped coughing and the blood has been cleared away, Puck hurried to fill the awkwardness the coughing fit had created.
“What have you guys been doing with yourselves?”
“I’m in the graphic arts program at Duke.” Artie admitted and Puck raised an eyebrow, impressed. “I work at the school library as a job. It’s nothing particularly exciting.” Nevertheless, he loved it, the others could tell.
“I’m a mom.” Tina admitted, and she felt the others eyes on her, though she was only looking at Kurt.
“That’s wonderful Tina.” Kurt said with a smile.
“Her name’s Ellie, she’s two. She was a surprise, but the best one of my life. I work as a receptionist in a dental office, but really, my life is about being a mom. I wanted to bring her, but-”
“She shouldn’t be exposed to this.” Kurt said and Tina averted her eyes. “I’d have liked to have met her, but not like this.” Kurt reached out and linked his fingers through Tina’s and she smiled at him gratefully.
“She would have loved you.” She said honestly.
“And the rest of us?” Finn demanded teasingly.
“She’d probably want to play with you, sit in Artie’s lap, and probably scream hysterically whenever Puck looked at her.”
“Hey!” Puck protested though he wasn‘t actually upset, it did ease a weak chuckle out of Kurt.
“And you Puck?” Kurt asked.
“I work in construction crews flipping houses.” Puck said with a shrug. “Its manual labor, I’m good at that kind of thing.” Kurt nodded before slowly beginning to drift off. When his loose grip on Tina’s hand went completely slack, she removed it and gently smoothed out the blankets around him.
“His dad wants to spend time with him this evening, and he’s more or less kicked us all out.”
“I should check into my hotel anyway.” Tina said and Puck nodded in agreement. They had chatted until Burt arrived, leaving quietly so as not to wake Kurt. Puck did see how devastated Burt looked when he slipped into the chair beside his son’s bed though, and he wouldn’t wish that kind of suffering on anyone.
*************
When Mercedes arrived, Finn made sure the others wouldn’t come until later in the day. He had a feeling the two were going to need time to hash some things out and it would be made harder by the knowledge of their friends hovering around them. Once she arrived, she greeted him with a weak smile, and he led her over to where Kurt had only recently woken up.
“Oh Kurt…” Mercedes wasn’t crying. She looked like she wanted to, but she wasn’t allowing herself.
“Hello Mercedes.” His voice sounded a little rough so Finn got him some water. He waited until Kurt had taken a couple sips, before smiling slightly.
“Thanks, now if you don’t mind.”
“Right, I’ll be in the bedroom, gnawing on your curtains.” Mercedes looked bewildered, but Kurt just grinned as Finn shut the door behind him.
“I tried to find you.” Mercedes said suddenly. “A year ago, I went looking for you, I couldn’t seem to find a working phone number, but you weren’t in your old apartment, and you hadn’t left a forwarding address. None of your neighbors seemed to know anything except that you sublet your apartment to a nice girl and left with a dark haired guy years ago.”
“Yeah, I got sick right after freshman year.” Kurt told her gently. “The diagnosis wasn’t good then, so I decided to come home.”
“So you just accepted it?” Mercedes asked, and there was something in her voice that sounded absolutely crushed.
“Have I accepted it? Yes, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t fight it with everything I had first.” Mercedes couldn’t hold back her tears at this point, and she crumpled into the chair by his bed, putting her head down by his arm.
“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry Kurt.” She sobbed, and it only took a moment before his hand was stroking her hair back in soothing motions. “For everything. I screwed everything up. I should have listened to you, I know you wouldn’t hurt me, and I just believed him. I was so desperate to be loved that I couldn’t even see that I already was.” Kurt made a little shushing noise, but she couldn’t stop, she had to keep talking, because she knew this would be one of the last times she would actually be able too.
“I caught him a year after that you know. The only thing I was thinking was that I had ended the best friendship I’d ever had to be with a jackass who was cheating on me probably the entire time. There were so many times I wanted to call you, beg your forgiveness, and I never did.”
“Mercedes, I already forgave you.”
“How could you? Especially after all the terrible things I said!”
“When I got sick the doctors predicted I’d live a year, at most. It was to far advanced it spread too quickly. I think I forgave you then. Knowing that even though I planned to fight, with everything I had in me, my life span was suddenly cut short. I needed to forgive you, because holding on to old pain wasn’t going to help. So I let it go, I forgave you, and I moved on.” She could tell by his eyes that he had. He didn’t love her, not like he once had. There was still caring there, but she had killed that spark of love he had for her before.
“You said you’ve been sick since right after freshman year that was almost four years ago.”
“I told you I fought it.” She sat up, wiping a hand across her eyes, before standing and lowering herself across him slightly, hugging him as tightly as she dared.
“You really are something else.”
“So I’ve been told.” She was crying again before she knew it, her head tucked against his shoulder, and he was holding her the way he use to, back when they were in high school and she was upset. She wanted more than anything to go back in time and not make the horrible mistake that had cost her best friend. But she couldn’t, so she just tried to take solace in the fact that he forgave her. Part of her wanted to know if he would have forgiven her even if he hadn’t gotten sick, but she didn’t voice it, she’d like the believe that he would have.
“You’re so thin.” She murmured as she pulled away and he sighed.
“I don’t really eat.” He admitted. “I’m never hungry and I can’t hold much down. Carole tries to shove soup in me when she’s here, but I can’t eat much.” She settled back into the chair, taking a risk and taking his hand. He didn’t pull away and even curled his fingers around her own.
“I never wanted forgiveness to come at this cost.” Mercedes said staring down into her lap. “I’d rather you go on the rest of your life hating me, then this.”
“I’m dying Mercedes; you need to be able to say it.”
“I can’t, if I say it, it’s real. I don’t want this to be real.” She didn’t’ think she could possibly cry anymore, but she was. Kurt sighed tiredly, but his fingers tightened minimally.
“That’s what Finn said too you know.” Kurt told her. “When we really knew, when we knew that it was getting close. He couldn’t say it either. I think in a lot of ways it made it harder for him. There was a big emotional blow out the first time he said it.”
“There was?”
“Yeah,” Kurt sighed tiredly as he recounted the incident. “He was pissed because I said something that was supposed to be a joke and he snapped back that I shouldn’t make fun, I was dying, and it wasn’t funny. Then he seemed to realize what he said, and once the emotional fallout was over, I think he could accept it a little better. I’m not saying it’ll be easy. I wouldn’t wish anyone to have to see this.”
“Finn said you wanted to see us.”
“I do, I just wanted to say goodbye, but I have a feeling at least a couple of you guys are sticking around though. Artie and Quinn have already made it quite clear they’ll be here until the end. Which is comforting and a little terrifying all at once. I do not like people seeing me like this; you should know this better than most. I don’t like being fussed over, and I hate that people I care about have to watch me die.”
“Oh Kurt,” Mercedes whispered. “How is it possible you’re still so strong?”
“I made my peace a long time ago Mercedes. I fought the good fight and all that other metaphorical nonsense. I did everything I could; I lasted three years longer than anyone thought I would. The hardest part? Watching my Dad fall apart when he got the news, watching Carole cry when they realized that the chemo and the radiation just wasn’t going to do anything. Watching Finn try to be so strong, when all he wanted to do was tell me he didn’t want me to go. I wish I could change that for them.”
Mercedes was hugging him before she knew it, and she held on for a long time, long after Kurt’s arms dropped away from her and it was obvious he had fallen asleep. She prayed and she wished, and god how she begged anyone who would listen that a miracle happen and let Kurt live, because god, he was too good for this. She knew it wouldn’t happen. And when Finn hesitantly peeked his head out of his room twenty minutes later, she let him hold her as she sobbed.
*************
When Santana and Brittany came, Mercedes opened the door, red eyed and weak smile. She let them in and Brittany bee-lined right over to Kurt, climbing up into the bed with him and someone managing not to disturb a single wire or tube. Santana frowned blinking hard, because she wouldn’t cry. She was Santana, she didn’t cry! Brittany however was.
She had managed to maneuver them where Kurt was leaning against her shoulder and she had both arms wrapped around him, she was telling him stories of what she was doing and tears slid silently down her face the entire time she spoke. Santana watched the scene with open affection, jumping with surprise when Mercedes put her hand on her shoulder. She followed the other woman, stalling in the hallway.
“What’s going on?” Santana demanded and Mercedes sighed, she looked like she had been crying for days, and since Santana wasn’t actually sure how long Mercedes had actually been there for, she very well might have been.
“He’s getting worse Santana, we…we don’t know if he’ll last much longer. Mike and Matt haven’t made it yet, and we haven’t heard from Rachel or Mr. Schue. Finn says he think Kurt will last as long as he can so he can say goodbye, but…I don’t know.” Santana knew what Mercedes was saying, without her saying it. Kurt could quite possibly go in the next few days, and if they had the time, they should probably just stick around for the funeral. She hated it, it burned in her chest, and she was so god damn angry! Not Kurt, of all the people, it shouldn’t have happened to him. He had so much promise; he was going to do great things! Everyone knew it. The jocks hated him because they knew he was destined to get out of Lima.
“Ok, we’re done for the summer; we have all the time he needs.” She assured her. She turned back around before heading back into the room. She leaned over the bed railing and into Kurt‘s eye line.
“Hey Bitch, long time no see.”
“Hello Santana.” He looked uncomfortable, but like he was unwilling to move away from Brittany when she so obviously seemed to need to hold him.
“You look absolutely dreadful.” Santana informed him, falling back into her old habits, she had always been able to say whatever she wanted to Kurt, he normally took it as it was intended, a joke. It was one of the reasons why she had liked him so much. Especially once he had joined the cheerios, he had a real dry sense of humor and she loved it.
“So I’ve been told.” He replied, though it was done with good humor.
“Well, it’s simply not acceptable. Dying is no excuse for poor skin care.” For a moment, Santana thought perhaps she crossed the line. Mercedes looked horrified and even Brittany was looking at her a little reproachfully, but Kurt just smiled.
“I suppose I’ve been a little busy with the whole, trying not to die thing.”
“Yes and how’s that working out for you?” That time, she knew she’d gone too far, because his smile dimmed and Brittany shut her eyes, lowering her head a little.
“Yeah, not so well.”
“I’m sorry.” She said uncomfortable suddenly. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“It’s alright. I know you handle things like this by joking. I understand, believe me, I had to find a way to deal with it too.” She wasn’t sure what to say now, because he had just pardoned her, but she still felt guilty. Kurt yawned then, and Brittany seemed to notice he was getting heavier against her.
“If you’re tired you should sleep, we’ll be here when you wake up.” Brittany said. Slowly, Kurt drifted off and Santana made idle chit chat with Mercedes until the others slowly trickled into the apartment. With the sheer amount of people there, she was surprised that Kurt didn’t wake up. Even after Brittany slowly extracted herself from him and went to cry against Artie’s shoulder for a while.
Santana was getting angry again. It was slowly building up in her chest again and all she wanted was to punch something, like a wall. She didn’t think that would be appreciated though. She was angry this is what it took to bring everyone together again. Angry that she let herself fall out of contact with Kurt in the first place. She was furious that he had been dealing with this for years with only his brother and parents. Finally, around eight, Burt showed up and kicked them all out. As they trickle out into the parking lot, Finn shrugged.
“Burt stays with him at night now. If you guys want, there’s a pretty good restaurant a few blocks from here. We could go there, get a couple drinks or something.” No one declined.
*************
By the time Mike got there, Kurt slept more than he was awake, and it took him a while to orient himself when he was awake. The others know that his time wasn’t going to last much longer. Mike said Matt would be out tomorrow, but Mike really wasn’t sure if Kurt would be able to last until tomorrow. He wisely kept that thought to himself though. He waited until Kurt had actually focused on him before he smiled.
“Hey Kurt.” He was a little uncomfortable. He’d been pretty cool with Kurt in school all things considered, he’d never actively taken part in the bullying, but he thought he could have prevented some of it too.
“Mike.” He said, and the only thing Mike can seem to think about is how chapped his lips seem.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t get here sooner.” He wasn’t sure if he had ever meant anything more in his life.
“It’s ok. You’re here now I appreciate that. Sorry to spring this on you.”
“I’m sorry I let us loose contact.” Mike replied. Kurt had sent him a few emails, but he had often been busy and tried to remember to write him back later. He never did, and eventually the emails stopped coming. He regretted that.
“It’s happened to most of us.” Kurt said with a weak shrug. “Puck told me he hadn’t spoken to anyone since we graduated until Finn called.” He supposed that made Mike feel a little bit better. He’s trying to think of a good reply to that, but the doorbell rings. He quickly offered to answer it, leaving Kurt just momentarily before opening the door. He was surprised to see Mr. Schue.
“Hello Mike.” He greeted his smile soft and sad. “If you’re busy I could-” But the idea of having someone else there, just in case something went wrong, Mike quickly motioned for Mr. Schue to come in. He led him into the room and Kurt smiled when he saw them.
“Mr. Schue.” The older man is speechless for a moment before he visibly gathers himself.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call back, but I was in the area, and thought I could swing by.”
“S’ok.” Kurt assured him, attempting to shift himself a little. Mike quickly leaned over the side and attempted to help, because he has a horrible visual of one of the wires in Kurt’s hand being yanked out. Kurt smiled in thanks, before Mike retreated a few steps to stand next to his former teacher.
“I’m sorry this happened to you, Kurt.” Mr. Schue finally says, and he looked so desperately earnest that Kurt can’t help but smile a little.
“It’s ok, really. I’ve had time to come to grips with it and all.”
“Can I ask you something?” Mike asked suddenly and Kurt nodded.
“Back in Glee, did you throw the Defying Gravity note?” and Kurt was honestly surprised. Surprised that he remembered, surprised that he had noticed. He hesitated only briefly before nodding.
“Yes, I did.”
“Why?” Mr. Schue asked, looking taken aback. “Your dad fought so hard for you.”
“I know he did, and it killed me to give it up. But…” Well hell, he was dying he might as well tell them. He took as deep a breath as he could before continuing. “My dad got a phone call, some jackass informing him his son was a fag…which of course he was aware of, but he was so upset by it. Genuinely hurt, and I probably shouldn’t have mentioned that it wasn’t a big deal, cause I was called that all the time, but I knew that if I sang that song in front of a lot of people, it would only get worse. I could handle it, but he couldn’t.”
“I wish you had told me that.” Mr. Schue said looking genuinely remorseful. “I would have tried to work something out with you.”
“I liked your version.” Mike admitted. “I’d never heard the song before, but Rachel’s version was less….honest.”
“Thank you.” Kurt said, his smile was tired and wan, and Mr. Schue leaned over to squeeze his shoulder gently, frowning at the feel of skin stretched over bone.
“I wish I could stay, but I’m on my way to a faculty meeting. I’ll try and swing by again soon.” Kurt nodded, and Mr. Schue left the apartment, feeling distinctly worse than when he entered it. He had a sickening feeling that might be the last time he would ever see Kurt alive.
“Dude, let me tell you about the guy who sat next to me on the plane…” Mike said and he regaled Kurt with the story of the story of the man who had taken up both arm rests, talked loudly on his cell phone until they made him turn it off and then asked Mike if the boil on his arm looked infected. He kept telling the story of his trip to see him long after Kurt fell asleep, because he thought the sound of his own voice was better than silence.
*************
As promised Matt arrived early the next day, Artie let him in and spoke in a low voice, informing him that Kurt wasn’t doing well and he was probably going to go soon. When Matt entered the room, Mercedes backed away from the bed, nodding to him and heading into the kitchen. Artie followed a moment later. Kurt looked at Matt tiredly, but smiled a little anyway. Matt climbed up onto Kurt’s bed, sitting Indian style at the foot, making sure not to crowd him at all.
“Hey Kurt.” He greeted softly.
“Hi Matt, long time.”
“To long, I’m sorry we had to talk again like this.”
“Me too, I’m glad you were able to come though.”
“I would have been here sooner, but I had to get out of work. My boss is a real ball buster. He actually didn’t believe me at first when I said I needed time off because a friend was dying.”
“It does sound like it could have been an excuse.” Kurt agreed.
“Horrible excuse, he finally believed me when he over heard a conversation with Mike. He called when he got his ticket and asked when I was going to be able to get mine that I needed to get my ass in gear because you needed us here. Apparently that’s what it took, because he granted me leave.”
“Who knew Mike had such powers of persuasion?” Matt laughed in agreement and they lapse into a slight silence before Matt realized he had to ask. He hadn’t planned to because it probably wasn’t his business, but he just had to know.
“Ok, I wasn’t going to ask, but I have to, why do you have a hideously misshapen orange thing spread over you?” Kurt made a wheezing sound that could have been a laugh and let his hand brush over it a little.
“A gift from Mrs. Abrams,” He admitted. “When she found out what was going on, she wanted to make me a blanket. Turns out, she’s not the best knitter. Still, I appreciate the thought even if it is a very unfortunate shade of orange. Carole thought it was so sweet she put it on the bed, and I haven’t had the energy to shove it off. It’s alright; I’m kind of cold anyway.” Matt wanted to ask how Kurt could possibly be cold, it was actually kind of hot in the apartment, but he caught himself. He knew exactly why Kurt would be cold.
“Oh, well it’s the thought that counts I guess…it is an unfortunate color though.” Kurt lacked the energy to move a blanket and that was upsetting. “This is awkward; I’m not really sure what to say.”
“I think I kind of put people on the spot with this. Not my intention, I just kinda wanted to see everyone again.”
“If you wanted to have a reunion, couldn’t you have done it a better way?” Matt teased lightly. “I mean this is all so melodramatic and all.” Kurt grinned.
“I needed something that would guarantee attendance obviously.”
“Well if nothing else, I’m pretty sure this is going to shame us all into keeping better contact with each other. If we knew you were sick sooner, we’d have been a better support system. Instead of this sorry gaggle of mourners, who just don’t know what the hell to do.”
“Did you just use the word gaggle in a sentence?”
“My vocabulary has improved immensely since high school.”
“Clearly.” Kurt offered another tired smile, and Matt leaned forward a little, his hands gripping his ankles.
“I’ve always been sorry we weren’t better friends.” Matt told him, and Kurt looked up surprised. “I never disliked you, and I never took part of the bullying. I don’t know if you knew that or not.”
“I’m sorry we weren’t either.” Kurt agreed. “I knew, I knew who the main ones were the lesser players were interchangeable, but I don’t’ think I ever saw you or Mike. You know, deathbed confessions are really cliché Matt.”
“Yes well, I’m still sorry.”
“I am too. I never blamed you for the bullying.”
“It virtually stopped all together once you became a cheerio though.”
“I was never quite sure if that was Coach Sylvester’s doing, or Santana’s.”
“Probably both.” Which was true, once had Kurt become a cheerio, helped them win, and he was off limits. Kurt yawned, and Matt sat back a little. “Why don’t you rest, we’ll all be here when you wake up next.” Kurt seemed to think that was a really good idea, because he was asleep less than a minute later. Matt stayed perched on the end of the bed, keeping a silent vigil.
*************
The original members of the glee club, minus Rachel, who they hadn’t heard from yet, spent the next few days with Kurt, trying to keep him occupied and not think about what was coming. It was for his benefit as much as their own. None of them were really prepared to say goodbye yet. They had been separated for so long, and then to be brought back together under such distressing circumstances, it was hard on them all.
Watching Kurt get progressively worse was heartbreaking. He spent most of his time sleeping, and when he was awake, he seemed like he was in tremendous pain. His dad never left his side now, and Carole seemed to take up an almost permanent residence in the kitchen, cooking and baking for the others, she seemed glad to have something to do, something to make her feel useful.
They had yet to hear from Rachel, and Finn was convinced Kurt would hold on long enough to tell her goodbye. So when she finally called, sounding nothing less than hysterical, Finn wasn’t sure how he felt. Part of him had wanted to hold off on the moment, try and keep Kurt with him a little longer, but he was hurting so bad, he was so sick; it seemed selfish to wish for it at all.
“There’s no way I can be there until late tomorrow evening, I’m still in London!” Rachel’s voice sounded a little hollow, but still shrill over the line. Finn glanced sadly over at Kurt, who was being crowded by the girls, while Puck, Matt, and Mike stood in a worried group off to the side.
“He won’t make it that long Rachel. The way he looks now, I don‘t know if he‘ll make it through tonight, let alone tomorrow.” Finn said softly, and Rachel let out a choked sob before taking a deep breath.
“Can I talk to him at least?”
“Yeah, hang on.” He trotted the phone over, Mercedes and Quinn pulling to the side to let him through. “It’s Rachel man. She’s in London, I don’t-” His voice caught, but Kurt seemed to know. Brittany held the phone for him.
“Rachel.” The others could hear her sharp wail over the phone line and Kurt flinched a little at the volume. “Hey now, no tears, I’ve had enough of that.” It took a moment but Rachel seemed to reign herself in. “Now you listen to me. I know you never did before, but do it for me now, I want you to rock your show, every performance and you put your whole heart in it. You don’t think about this, you don’t think about what’s happening now because you can’t control it, and I know you like control, you’re a bigger control freak than I am.” He paused and smiled lightly, “I think I’ve missed you Rachel.” And she was sobbing again, when Brittany took the phone away, Kurt slumped sideways as if the effort of talking had just drained him completely.
Brittany promised to call Rachel when they had news.
It’s ten when Burt kicked everyone out. Carole retreated to the room she and Burt had been using in recent days, and Finn retreated to the room that was always considered his. At some point during the night, they both migrated out to the living room to be with Burt and Kurt.
*************
Kurt went during the night.
Finn could only hope it was in his sleep and part of him would like to think he held on long enough to say his goodbyes. Maybe he was being to giving and that really Kurt was going to die whenever it was his body shut down, but he managed to hold on long enough to see the people he needed to see.
At first, they were all to shocked to do much of anything except stare dumbly at the body that once was Kurt Hummel.
Then Burt started sobbing and Carole and tried to consol him, but that was somewhat hard given the fact she was sobbing too. Finn didn’t even realize he was crying until Burt’s hand caught his arm and tugged him over. They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity before Finn realized he should start making calls.
Their the hardest phone calls he had ever had to make, and he couldn’t imagine having to make a harder one as he systematically called their friends and told them Kurt had died. It didn’t get easier, not matter how many times he had to say it. He asked the others to stay away from the apartment, he’d meet them at the restaurant later, but it was to much to have them here. Finn was able to get out before the coroner arrived, because he didn’t think he could take seeing that.
He met the huddle group outside around noon, and Mercedes drew him into a hug immediately. No one said anything about the tears, most of them were crying and those who weren’t look like they were making the conscious effort to hold the tears back. Finally Finn manages to pull himself together some.
“The uh, the funeral will probably be in a few days. I’ll know more in a day or so, Kurt uh, left instructions so we won’t be muddling through it.”
“Kurt planned his own funeral?” Quinn asked a little horrified.
“He knew, yeah he fought it, but Kurt was given a five percent survival rate. The fact that he beat out a year, some of his doctors considered that some sort of medical miracle. He held on for nearly four years, he’s had time to plan and come to terms with everything. I think he kept it together for us when we kept falling apart, which wasn’t fair really. It should have been the other way around.”
“He seemed so calm,” Mercedes admitted. “Like he wasn’t scared at all.”
“Yeah he was very….Kurt. Right up until the end.” Matt agreed.
“I don’t think he was scared, not at the end.” Finn admitted and after a minute of silence they decided to go ahead and go in, they would try to eat. Toast Kurt at the very least.
*************
It rained the day Kurt was buried.
It somehow seemed suitable, like that was what was suppose to happen. Burt murmured some comment about how it had been raining when he buried his wife too. Finn thought that was appropriate then. The funeral itself had been surprisingly simple, straight and to the point, no flowery language or overdone songs. Rachel had flown in from London, and she kept a tight grip on Finn’s hand the entire time, while Mercedes was curled around Puck’s arm. The glee club was crowded around each other trying to find solace were they could.
Even Coach Sylvester had shown up, and Carole would admit later that she had stopped by a few times when Kurt was first hospitalized. She had always been fond of him. Once they dispersed from the cemetery and onto the wake, the gleeks find themselves on the porch, trying to get away from the other dramatic members of the Hummel family.
“Most of them didn’t even like Kurt, it’s kind of offensive.” Finn had muttered.
“You know what I keep thinking about?” Tina said softly and Artie gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “That he was the one doing the comforting. Shouldn’t it have been the other way around?”
“He knew it was a shock to everyone.” Finn said with a shrug. “He had four years to come to terms with it, you guys had around a week. He just wanted to see you again, I don’t think he meant for your guys to stick around, watch him die. I don’t think he had planned for that.”
“Well, he should have known we wouldn’t just go “Ok, are you done with your deathbed confessions? Peace out then!” He knew better.” Artie said.
“That was stellar Kurt impression by the way.” Puck said sarcastically. They slowly let the conversation dwindle and over the next few hours, they slowly left.
*************
Time passed, and for a while, Finn would go to the cemetery and watch the grass grown on the grave. It was strange and worrisome, but when he explained that it was a coping mechanism, Quinn would just sit with him until he was ready to leave. She didn’t understand it, but if it made him feel like was still somehow connected to his brother, than she wasn’t going to stop him.
What Matt had said as a joke, about Kurt shaming them into keep in contact with each other turned out to be true. They made a conscious effort to not lose touch again and making sure to try and keep up with each other at least once a year. They would get together and remember the good times, share their new successes or failures. Try and reconnect as a family.
But it was never the same.
Disclaimer: I don't own em, I if I did glee would probably have to be on a different channel.
Rating: R
Spoilers: Er lets say through season one.
Characters: Kurt, Finn, The Hudmels, the Glee Club.
Warnings: Character death I repeat Character death, language, talk of death/dying, serious illness. Angst overload.
Word count: 8,839-Yeah it's a long one.
Summary: Kurt just wants to see the Glee Club one last time.
A/N: Filled for This prompt over at the angst meme. Please read it before reading the story! I've been working on this for about a week now (Give or take a few days) and honestly I'm just happy I'm finished with it! I hope the OP likes it!
BEFORE YOU CONTINUE MAKE SURE YOU READ THE AUTHOR NOTES AND WARNINGS PLEASE!
When Finn quietly entered Kurt’s apartment, he was pleased to see that his stepbrother was not only awake, but he seemed to be having one of his better days.
“Hey man.” He greeted, taking a seat in his favorite recliner. He had a feeling Kurt had bought that recliner, because he knew Finn would be coming around and that he would like it. Kurt looked up and smiled, and Finn thought it was tragic that he was almost use to seeing those dark circles under his eyes. He would never get to use to seeing how pale and thin Kurt had gotten though.
“Hey, you just missed Dad and Carole.” He informed him.
“Yeah, I passed them in the car actually. You look better today.”
“It’s a good day.” He set aside the note pad he had in his lap and turned serious eyes to Finn. “Listen Finn, I want you to do me a favor.” Finn’s heart sunk, this was probably going to be one of those, ‘before I die…’ things that Finn really hated, but couldn’t actually deny Kurt of.
“I’d like to see the original glee members again.” Finn was mildly surprised, but nodded.
“You want me to track em down for you? That shouldn’t be a problem.”
“Yeah, in case you can’t find someone….or in case they don’t come, I’m writing letters…” He trailed off motioning to the pad in his lap.
“I’m sure they will.” Finn hurried to reassure. “And you want to see them all? Even…Even Mercedes?” Kurt and Mercedes had remained the close after high school, until Mercedes boyfriend made a pass at Kurt, and Mercedes believed him over Kurt when he said it was the other way around. It had hurt Kurt tremendously, the loss of his best friend. Finn had viewed it as a betrayal really, if Mercedes could so easily disregard Kurt’s character than she didn’t deserve him anyway.
“Maybe especially her.” Kurt said with a careful shrug. “Just, if you could find them, I’d appreciate it. If not, it’s really not that big of a deal.”
“Don’t worry, I got it.” He spent another hour talking with Kurt, before he drifted off and Finn quietly retreated into the bedroom he used when he thought Kurt was to sick to be left alone, and began his search. After nearly three hours, he had managed to track down a phone number for each member of the glee club. He worked his way down his list.
Artie had been pleased to hear the sound of his voice, and then asked laughing how many Finn Hudson’s he thought he knew, when Finn had tacked on “From McKinley”. He loathed to put such a damper on the mood, but he had to break the news to Artie, and it’s quiet for a few beats before Artie spoke again. He sounded choked when he told him of course he’d come. In fact, he said he’d be there tomorrow.
Tina answered her phone cheerfully, and Finn remembered her being somewhat cheerful in school, but not nearly as much as she appeared to be now. They made idle chitchat for a few moments before he had to break the news to her. She sucked in a deep horrified breath before assuring him that she would get the first ticket she could get out and come down.
He has to leave a message for Rachel, and he hoped that she would get it in time. She had been one of the most difficult to locate, as she seemed to split her time between New York and London, and he had no way of knowing where exactly she was currently. While she and Kurt hadn’t been particularly close, he knew she would at least want to say goodbye.
Quinn cried when he explained the situation. Once she had become friends with Mercedes in high school, she had become friends with Kurt too. She still lived in Lima, less than twenty minutes away from Kurt’s apartment actually, and she promised that she would be by sometime after dinner. She also made a vow that she was going to be around until the end. She felt she owed him that at least.
Mercedes was hesitant to talk to him, he could hear it in her voice, but once he explained what was going on, why he was calling her, she just expressed surprise that Kurt would even want to see her after what happened. Finn made sure to point out he could just have Kurt send her a letter, but she adamantly refused, she needed to see her boy. She missed him; she wanted to apologize for what had happened between them. She told Finn she’d be there in two days time.
Santana and Brittany he was able to knock out in one call. The two were roommates, or whatever those two actually were, and when he explained the situation to Santana, she assured him in a firm voice that she and Brittany would be there. They just had to take two finals before they could go, but they were both within the next two days, but they would definitely be there just as soon as they were done.
Puck didn’t answer when he called, so he left him a message. He wasn’t sure if Puck would actually come. It wasn’t as if he and Kurt had ever been close. They might have been more tolerant of each other towards the end, and Puck did try to curb his mouth when he was around Kurt, but they hadn’t ever been friends. Still, Kurt said everyone, so he includes Puck in that list.
Mike and Matt he was able to knock out in a call as well. The two shared an apartment and as he recounted the story yet again and it never got easier for him, having to tell people that his brother was dying. Mike promised to be there by Monday and Matt promised to follow just as soon as he can get out of work.
Finn had debated about including Mr. Schue in the list, but Kurt said the original glee club, he figured that Mr. Schue counted in that right? So he had called and left a message when he didn’t pick up, and he’s tired of having to repeat the same thing. Still he finishes his message, leaves a call back number, and hangs up before rubbing his eyes.
It had taken two hours, but he had completed what Kurt asked. He peeks back into the living room, to see Kurt’s awake again, and writing more letters.
“Quinn said she’ll be by this evening.” He informed him, and Kurt smiled. “I got a hold of everyone but Rachel, Puck, and Mr. Schue, I left them messages. And everyone said they would be coming out some point within the next week. Artie will be here tomorrow.”
“Thank you Finn.”
“Sure. Now do you think you could eat something?” He doesn’t actually wait for a reply; he goes to make something anyway.
*************
As promised around seven thirty, Quinn showed up. She greeted Finn with a hug at the door, and he took her coat as she walked further into the room. She saw Kurt then, propped up in a hospital style bed in the middle of his living room and burst into tears. Finn visibly panicked at the sight, because he’d never been good with tears.
Kurt just held an arm out for her, and she hurried into it, burying her head into his shoulder and sobbed out her denials. This wasn’t fair; something like this wasn’t supposed to happen to him, not to Kurt. He was supposed to have gotten the hell out of Lima. As she managed to get herself under control, she pulled away a little, taking a seat near Kurt’s bed.
“How long have you been sick?” She asked a little roughly and Kurt sighed before replying.
“About three years…shortly after freshman year of college.”
“Oh Kurt…” She couldn’t believe he’d been sick for so long.
“It’s been almost four actually, it was aggressive.” Finn said, feeling like he should fill the awkward silence. “We’ve tried everything, but it’s just…”
“It’s too much unfortunately.” Kurt supplied, shooting Finn a concerned glance. “I just wanted to see everyone again, before I go. Tell you guys I’m sorry for loosing touch.”
“That goes both ways Kurt; we could have just as easily kept in touch with you.” Quinn argued. “I do hope you realize that I’m going to be sticking around. I…I can help. I’m an LPN now.”
“Are you? That’s fantastic Quinn.” and Kurt smiled at her. It broke her heart just a little, because she got to make something out of her life, he wouldn’t.
“The community college in Akron offered the program, I couldn’t really afford to do the RN program, but the LPN was only two years, and I got a good job here.”
“That’s fantastic.” Kurt said and she could tell he was genuinely pleased, honestly happy for her.
“So I’m going to be sticking around. And don’t argue, with me, because I’m going to whether you want me to or not.” She informed him matter of factly. Kurt wheezed out a painful sounding laugh and she regretted the sound immediately.
“Don’t make me laugh.” Kurt pleaded, wheezing. “I wouldn’t send you away Quinn.”
“Good, because you’d fail.” She said and he smiled.
“Now, Finn do you need help tracking the others down?” She asked, going into her take-charge mode.
“Nope, I found em all, had to leave some messages, but everyone I talked to said they were coming. Artie will actually be here tomorrow. He’s going to call me later with his flight details.” Kurt nodded, and the trio chatted until Kurt fell asleep.
“How long Finn?” Finn glanced up before realizing what she was asking.
“A month, maybe.” Tears flood her eyes again, and she nodded.
“He…He seems ok with it.”
“I think he actually is. He knew when they diagnosed him the outcome probably wouldn’t be good, but he was fighting it anyhow. They expected him to last a year. He lasted three, almost four now, he‘s had a while to come to terms with what would happen.”
“Is he in a lot of pain?”
“Usually, he doesn’t say anything about it though. Just sort of takes it as part of being sick.”
“Why isn’t he in the hospital?” And Finn cast a glance back over at Kurt.
“He didn’t want to die there. Not surrounded by the smell of sickness and death, and people he didn’t know buzzing around him all the time. Not like his mom did.” Quinn nodded sharply before standing and fussing with the blankets that covered Kurt.
“Well, I’m here to help now. Give me a call tomorrow at some point, and I’ll bring you guys something to eat.”
“Did you want to come around when Artie’s here?”
“Maybe, check with Kurt and Artie; see how they feel about it.” Quinn said, and Finn nodded, seeing her out and shutting the door behind her. It had been good to see her, but he really, really wished that the circumstances had been better.
*************
He picked Artie up from the airport in Akron at ten. He looks different, but the same all at once and he grinned, slapping a hand on his shoulder. “Hey man.” He greets and Artie smiled, while pushing his glasses up his nose.
“Hello Finn, you seem even more gigantic than I remember.” And Finn laughed at that. He sobered pretty quickly, before gathering Artie’s bags.
“Listen Man, I really appreciate you coming, I know Kurt will too. I should warn you though; he’s having a bad day today.”
“How bad is bad?” Artie asked immediately concerned.
“He isn’t breathing to well, so he actually has to use the nasal cannula today. If he falls asleep while you’re talking to him, don’t take it personally, he gets worn out at the littlest things now. He has his good days and his bad days.”
“Just how bad is it Finn?”
“He’s real thin, doesn’t eat much. He looks…he looks sick, like he‘s dying.”
“Who’s with Kurt now?” Artie asked a little alarm at the idea of Kurt being alone creeping into his voice.
“My mom. Kurt tries to keep Burt busy, sends him on lots of errands. Burt wants to be there, but we can all see it’s killing him. He already watched his wife waste away due to cancer, and now his son too. Kurt held on longer, so in some ways I think it might be worse.”
“What?”
“His mom, she died after a year. Kurt’s lasted almost four, Burt‘s had more time to watch it take hold. I mean plus, no parent should have to outlive their kid, ya know?” Artie couldn’t even imagine how terrible that was, to watch the two most important people in your life succumb to the same disease it was horrifying.
“How’s your mom handling it?” Artie asked, allowing Finn to push him to the car.
“Not all that well. I mean better than Burt, but still. She sees Kurt as her son, so it’s pretty bad.”
“I just can’t believe Kurt is dying.” Artie murmured once their safely in the car and on their way to Kurt’s apartment. “Not him, he was always like, indestructible or something.”
“I know, believe me, I know.” The trip was filled with idle chat and once they actually arrived, Finn made quick work of getting Artie into the apartment. He was pleased to see that Kurt was awake, if not looking like he was in pain.
“Kurt, my man.” Artie said, drawing a smile out of Kurt, and when Artie lifted his fist to bump, Kurt complied. “You look like shit.” While Carole looked horrified, Kurt managed a wheezing laugh, which almost immediately sent him into a coughing fit. Artie looked guilty, but Kurt waved it off.
“Yes, well I feel like it.”
“I’ll be back later ok?” Carole said, giving Kurt’s hand an affectionate squeeze before leaving the room, she resisted the urge to take Finn with her.
“Bye.” Kurt said lifting a hand to wave.
“You want something to drink?” Finn offered and Artie shook his head.
“I’m glad to see you are not wearing a belt and suspenders, Artie.” Artie can’t help but laugh; it was just such a Kurt thing to say.
“Yes, well a friend of mine once threw a fit about it.”
“I hardly threw a fit. I just simply refused to allow you to embarrass yourself further.” The humor faded out of the room and Artie frowned.
“Shit Kurt, this wasn’t suppose to happen. Weren’t you supposed to be a fashion icon by now?”
“Ah, I didn’t actually study fashion in school.” Kurt admitted and Finn spoke up.
“Kurt was going to be a lawyer. He likes to argue and all.” Kurt rolled his eyes, but glanced at Artie who looked a strange mix of surprised and pleased.
“You would have made a good one.”
“Yeah, well what could have been right? So what about you?”
“I’m in a graphic arts program.” Kurt nodded with a smile.
“You’ll be good at that.” Kurt only lasted a few more moments before he drifted off to sleep. Arties fingers reflexively gripped and released the wheels on his chair.
“I knew it was going to be bad, but not like this. He doesn’t look like he’s going to last out the week.”
“The doctors say a month, at most. He could really go anytime. He wanted to talk to everyone before he went. See them, talk to em once more. I think he’ll hang on long enough to do that.”
“I’ve finished all my finals, I…I plan to stick around. If that’s ok.”
“It should be fine. Are you staying with your parents?” Artie nodded and Finn offered him a ride.
“If you need to go over, I can call Quinn. She said to call her anytime.”
“No, I’ll stay for a while anyway.”
Kurt slept until dinnertime when Quinn showed up with Chinese. Artie watched as she fussed slightly before Kurt sent her away to the dinner table with an amused smile.
Quinn ended up driving Artie to his folks place, and he wasn’t ashamed to admit, he may have really needed that hug his mother gave him.
*************
Tina showed up with Puck. He hadn’t called Finn back, but he showed up anyway. They had run into each other at the bus station, and decided to catch a cab together. Which was probably a good thing considering Puck wasn’t exactly sure where Kurt lived. Finn had been surprised when he opened the door but grateful anyway.
“Good timing, Artie isn’t here yet, and Quinn just left for work. It’s a rare in-between time.”
Tina reacted much like Quinn. The tears started and she quickly made her way to Kurt, who looked even worse than he had yesterday if Finn was honest. Still Kurt did his best to consol her, reassure her, tell her he missed her and that he was so happy she came. Puck just stood there before glancing at Finn.
“Dude, you said he was dying, you didn’t say that he was pretty much there.”
“If he wasn’t “pretty much there” do you really think I’d have called you?” Puck had to concede to that point. Puck waited until Tina had pulled away and tried to put herself back together when Puck raised a hand.
“Sup Hummel.”
“Noah,” He acknowledged. “Didn’t actually think you’d come, thought I’d have to send you a letter.”
“Ah, I thought I should grace you with my presence, I mean you’ve been without it for long. Admit it, you missed me.”
“Oh yes, I cried myself to sleep at night.”
“Of course you did, I’m a stud.”
“That didn’t even make sense.” Kurt said with a grin and Puck shrugged.
“It doesn’t have to, I’m awesome.” Before that could get any further, the doorbell rang, indicating that Artie had arrived. Finn opened the door and ushered him in. If Artie’s surprised to see Puck or Tina, he doesn’t show it, just nods briefly in greeting and wheels himself over to the side of Kurt’s bed.
“So, my mother has officially lost her mind.” Artie announced, and Kurt raised an eyebrow at him. “She knew, about your being sick and all, and she’s currently knitting you a blanket, which is a terrible shade of orange.” Kurt smiled in a way that seemed like he wanted to laugh, but couldn’t find the energy to do so.
“Dude, why?” Puck asked, baffled.
“I don’t know she just started freaking out about home comforts or something. It was hard to understand her. But when I asked her why orange she said it was a happy color, like yellow, only she couldn‘t find any yellow.”
“Well, I appreciate the thought.” Kurt said before he started coughing. Tina hovered unsure of what to do, until Kurt finally stopped, chest wheezing and he tried to get more air into his lungs. Tina finally takes to rubbing soothing circles on his shoulder while Artie busied himself with getting him water. Puck turned horrified eyes on Finn at the sight of blood on Kurt’s chin.
“Its spread, it’s in his lungs now…that happens sometimes.” Once Kurt has stopped coughing and the blood has been cleared away, Puck hurried to fill the awkwardness the coughing fit had created.
“What have you guys been doing with yourselves?”
“I’m in the graphic arts program at Duke.” Artie admitted and Puck raised an eyebrow, impressed. “I work at the school library as a job. It’s nothing particularly exciting.” Nevertheless, he loved it, the others could tell.
“I’m a mom.” Tina admitted, and she felt the others eyes on her, though she was only looking at Kurt.
“That’s wonderful Tina.” Kurt said with a smile.
“Her name’s Ellie, she’s two. She was a surprise, but the best one of my life. I work as a receptionist in a dental office, but really, my life is about being a mom. I wanted to bring her, but-”
“She shouldn’t be exposed to this.” Kurt said and Tina averted her eyes. “I’d have liked to have met her, but not like this.” Kurt reached out and linked his fingers through Tina’s and she smiled at him gratefully.
“She would have loved you.” She said honestly.
“And the rest of us?” Finn demanded teasingly.
“She’d probably want to play with you, sit in Artie’s lap, and probably scream hysterically whenever Puck looked at her.”
“Hey!” Puck protested though he wasn‘t actually upset, it did ease a weak chuckle out of Kurt.
“And you Puck?” Kurt asked.
“I work in construction crews flipping houses.” Puck said with a shrug. “Its manual labor, I’m good at that kind of thing.” Kurt nodded before slowly beginning to drift off. When his loose grip on Tina’s hand went completely slack, she removed it and gently smoothed out the blankets around him.
“His dad wants to spend time with him this evening, and he’s more or less kicked us all out.”
“I should check into my hotel anyway.” Tina said and Puck nodded in agreement. They had chatted until Burt arrived, leaving quietly so as not to wake Kurt. Puck did see how devastated Burt looked when he slipped into the chair beside his son’s bed though, and he wouldn’t wish that kind of suffering on anyone.
*************
When Mercedes arrived, Finn made sure the others wouldn’t come until later in the day. He had a feeling the two were going to need time to hash some things out and it would be made harder by the knowledge of their friends hovering around them. Once she arrived, she greeted him with a weak smile, and he led her over to where Kurt had only recently woken up.
“Oh Kurt…” Mercedes wasn’t crying. She looked like she wanted to, but she wasn’t allowing herself.
“Hello Mercedes.” His voice sounded a little rough so Finn got him some water. He waited until Kurt had taken a couple sips, before smiling slightly.
“Thanks, now if you don’t mind.”
“Right, I’ll be in the bedroom, gnawing on your curtains.” Mercedes looked bewildered, but Kurt just grinned as Finn shut the door behind him.
“I tried to find you.” Mercedes said suddenly. “A year ago, I went looking for you, I couldn’t seem to find a working phone number, but you weren’t in your old apartment, and you hadn’t left a forwarding address. None of your neighbors seemed to know anything except that you sublet your apartment to a nice girl and left with a dark haired guy years ago.”
“Yeah, I got sick right after freshman year.” Kurt told her gently. “The diagnosis wasn’t good then, so I decided to come home.”
“So you just accepted it?” Mercedes asked, and there was something in her voice that sounded absolutely crushed.
“Have I accepted it? Yes, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t fight it with everything I had first.” Mercedes couldn’t hold back her tears at this point, and she crumpled into the chair by his bed, putting her head down by his arm.
“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry Kurt.” She sobbed, and it only took a moment before his hand was stroking her hair back in soothing motions. “For everything. I screwed everything up. I should have listened to you, I know you wouldn’t hurt me, and I just believed him. I was so desperate to be loved that I couldn’t even see that I already was.” Kurt made a little shushing noise, but she couldn’t stop, she had to keep talking, because she knew this would be one of the last times she would actually be able too.
“I caught him a year after that you know. The only thing I was thinking was that I had ended the best friendship I’d ever had to be with a jackass who was cheating on me probably the entire time. There were so many times I wanted to call you, beg your forgiveness, and I never did.”
“Mercedes, I already forgave you.”
“How could you? Especially after all the terrible things I said!”
“When I got sick the doctors predicted I’d live a year, at most. It was to far advanced it spread too quickly. I think I forgave you then. Knowing that even though I planned to fight, with everything I had in me, my life span was suddenly cut short. I needed to forgive you, because holding on to old pain wasn’t going to help. So I let it go, I forgave you, and I moved on.” She could tell by his eyes that he had. He didn’t love her, not like he once had. There was still caring there, but she had killed that spark of love he had for her before.
“You said you’ve been sick since right after freshman year that was almost four years ago.”
“I told you I fought it.” She sat up, wiping a hand across her eyes, before standing and lowering herself across him slightly, hugging him as tightly as she dared.
“You really are something else.”
“So I’ve been told.” She was crying again before she knew it, her head tucked against his shoulder, and he was holding her the way he use to, back when they were in high school and she was upset. She wanted more than anything to go back in time and not make the horrible mistake that had cost her best friend. But she couldn’t, so she just tried to take solace in the fact that he forgave her. Part of her wanted to know if he would have forgiven her even if he hadn’t gotten sick, but she didn’t voice it, she’d like the believe that he would have.
“You’re so thin.” She murmured as she pulled away and he sighed.
“I don’t really eat.” He admitted. “I’m never hungry and I can’t hold much down. Carole tries to shove soup in me when she’s here, but I can’t eat much.” She settled back into the chair, taking a risk and taking his hand. He didn’t pull away and even curled his fingers around her own.
“I never wanted forgiveness to come at this cost.” Mercedes said staring down into her lap. “I’d rather you go on the rest of your life hating me, then this.”
“I’m dying Mercedes; you need to be able to say it.”
“I can’t, if I say it, it’s real. I don’t want this to be real.” She didn’t’ think she could possibly cry anymore, but she was. Kurt sighed tiredly, but his fingers tightened minimally.
“That’s what Finn said too you know.” Kurt told her. “When we really knew, when we knew that it was getting close. He couldn’t say it either. I think in a lot of ways it made it harder for him. There was a big emotional blow out the first time he said it.”
“There was?”
“Yeah,” Kurt sighed tiredly as he recounted the incident. “He was pissed because I said something that was supposed to be a joke and he snapped back that I shouldn’t make fun, I was dying, and it wasn’t funny. Then he seemed to realize what he said, and once the emotional fallout was over, I think he could accept it a little better. I’m not saying it’ll be easy. I wouldn’t wish anyone to have to see this.”
“Finn said you wanted to see us.”
“I do, I just wanted to say goodbye, but I have a feeling at least a couple of you guys are sticking around though. Artie and Quinn have already made it quite clear they’ll be here until the end. Which is comforting and a little terrifying all at once. I do not like people seeing me like this; you should know this better than most. I don’t like being fussed over, and I hate that people I care about have to watch me die.”
“Oh Kurt,” Mercedes whispered. “How is it possible you’re still so strong?”
“I made my peace a long time ago Mercedes. I fought the good fight and all that other metaphorical nonsense. I did everything I could; I lasted three years longer than anyone thought I would. The hardest part? Watching my Dad fall apart when he got the news, watching Carole cry when they realized that the chemo and the radiation just wasn’t going to do anything. Watching Finn try to be so strong, when all he wanted to do was tell me he didn’t want me to go. I wish I could change that for them.”
Mercedes was hugging him before she knew it, and she held on for a long time, long after Kurt’s arms dropped away from her and it was obvious he had fallen asleep. She prayed and she wished, and god how she begged anyone who would listen that a miracle happen and let Kurt live, because god, he was too good for this. She knew it wouldn’t happen. And when Finn hesitantly peeked his head out of his room twenty minutes later, she let him hold her as she sobbed.
*************
When Santana and Brittany came, Mercedes opened the door, red eyed and weak smile. She let them in and Brittany bee-lined right over to Kurt, climbing up into the bed with him and someone managing not to disturb a single wire or tube. Santana frowned blinking hard, because she wouldn’t cry. She was Santana, she didn’t cry! Brittany however was.
She had managed to maneuver them where Kurt was leaning against her shoulder and she had both arms wrapped around him, she was telling him stories of what she was doing and tears slid silently down her face the entire time she spoke. Santana watched the scene with open affection, jumping with surprise when Mercedes put her hand on her shoulder. She followed the other woman, stalling in the hallway.
“What’s going on?” Santana demanded and Mercedes sighed, she looked like she had been crying for days, and since Santana wasn’t actually sure how long Mercedes had actually been there for, she very well might have been.
“He’s getting worse Santana, we…we don’t know if he’ll last much longer. Mike and Matt haven’t made it yet, and we haven’t heard from Rachel or Mr. Schue. Finn says he think Kurt will last as long as he can so he can say goodbye, but…I don’t know.” Santana knew what Mercedes was saying, without her saying it. Kurt could quite possibly go in the next few days, and if they had the time, they should probably just stick around for the funeral. She hated it, it burned in her chest, and she was so god damn angry! Not Kurt, of all the people, it shouldn’t have happened to him. He had so much promise; he was going to do great things! Everyone knew it. The jocks hated him because they knew he was destined to get out of Lima.
“Ok, we’re done for the summer; we have all the time he needs.” She assured her. She turned back around before heading back into the room. She leaned over the bed railing and into Kurt‘s eye line.
“Hey Bitch, long time no see.”
“Hello Santana.” He looked uncomfortable, but like he was unwilling to move away from Brittany when she so obviously seemed to need to hold him.
“You look absolutely dreadful.” Santana informed him, falling back into her old habits, she had always been able to say whatever she wanted to Kurt, he normally took it as it was intended, a joke. It was one of the reasons why she had liked him so much. Especially once he had joined the cheerios, he had a real dry sense of humor and she loved it.
“So I’ve been told.” He replied, though it was done with good humor.
“Well, it’s simply not acceptable. Dying is no excuse for poor skin care.” For a moment, Santana thought perhaps she crossed the line. Mercedes looked horrified and even Brittany was looking at her a little reproachfully, but Kurt just smiled.
“I suppose I’ve been a little busy with the whole, trying not to die thing.”
“Yes and how’s that working out for you?” That time, she knew she’d gone too far, because his smile dimmed and Brittany shut her eyes, lowering her head a little.
“Yeah, not so well.”
“I’m sorry.” She said uncomfortable suddenly. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“It’s alright. I know you handle things like this by joking. I understand, believe me, I had to find a way to deal with it too.” She wasn’t sure what to say now, because he had just pardoned her, but she still felt guilty. Kurt yawned then, and Brittany seemed to notice he was getting heavier against her.
“If you’re tired you should sleep, we’ll be here when you wake up.” Brittany said. Slowly, Kurt drifted off and Santana made idle chit chat with Mercedes until the others slowly trickled into the apartment. With the sheer amount of people there, she was surprised that Kurt didn’t wake up. Even after Brittany slowly extracted herself from him and went to cry against Artie’s shoulder for a while.
Santana was getting angry again. It was slowly building up in her chest again and all she wanted was to punch something, like a wall. She didn’t think that would be appreciated though. She was angry this is what it took to bring everyone together again. Angry that she let herself fall out of contact with Kurt in the first place. She was furious that he had been dealing with this for years with only his brother and parents. Finally, around eight, Burt showed up and kicked them all out. As they trickle out into the parking lot, Finn shrugged.
“Burt stays with him at night now. If you guys want, there’s a pretty good restaurant a few blocks from here. We could go there, get a couple drinks or something.” No one declined.
*************
By the time Mike got there, Kurt slept more than he was awake, and it took him a while to orient himself when he was awake. The others know that his time wasn’t going to last much longer. Mike said Matt would be out tomorrow, but Mike really wasn’t sure if Kurt would be able to last until tomorrow. He wisely kept that thought to himself though. He waited until Kurt had actually focused on him before he smiled.
“Hey Kurt.” He was a little uncomfortable. He’d been pretty cool with Kurt in school all things considered, he’d never actively taken part in the bullying, but he thought he could have prevented some of it too.
“Mike.” He said, and the only thing Mike can seem to think about is how chapped his lips seem.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t get here sooner.” He wasn’t sure if he had ever meant anything more in his life.
“It’s ok. You’re here now I appreciate that. Sorry to spring this on you.”
“I’m sorry I let us loose contact.” Mike replied. Kurt had sent him a few emails, but he had often been busy and tried to remember to write him back later. He never did, and eventually the emails stopped coming. He regretted that.
“It’s happened to most of us.” Kurt said with a weak shrug. “Puck told me he hadn’t spoken to anyone since we graduated until Finn called.” He supposed that made Mike feel a little bit better. He’s trying to think of a good reply to that, but the doorbell rings. He quickly offered to answer it, leaving Kurt just momentarily before opening the door. He was surprised to see Mr. Schue.
“Hello Mike.” He greeted his smile soft and sad. “If you’re busy I could-” But the idea of having someone else there, just in case something went wrong, Mike quickly motioned for Mr. Schue to come in. He led him into the room and Kurt smiled when he saw them.
“Mr. Schue.” The older man is speechless for a moment before he visibly gathers himself.
“I’m sorry I didn’t call back, but I was in the area, and thought I could swing by.”
“S’ok.” Kurt assured him, attempting to shift himself a little. Mike quickly leaned over the side and attempted to help, because he has a horrible visual of one of the wires in Kurt’s hand being yanked out. Kurt smiled in thanks, before Mike retreated a few steps to stand next to his former teacher.
“I’m sorry this happened to you, Kurt.” Mr. Schue finally says, and he looked so desperately earnest that Kurt can’t help but smile a little.
“It’s ok, really. I’ve had time to come to grips with it and all.”
“Can I ask you something?” Mike asked suddenly and Kurt nodded.
“Back in Glee, did you throw the Defying Gravity note?” and Kurt was honestly surprised. Surprised that he remembered, surprised that he had noticed. He hesitated only briefly before nodding.
“Yes, I did.”
“Why?” Mr. Schue asked, looking taken aback. “Your dad fought so hard for you.”
“I know he did, and it killed me to give it up. But…” Well hell, he was dying he might as well tell them. He took as deep a breath as he could before continuing. “My dad got a phone call, some jackass informing him his son was a fag…which of course he was aware of, but he was so upset by it. Genuinely hurt, and I probably shouldn’t have mentioned that it wasn’t a big deal, cause I was called that all the time, but I knew that if I sang that song in front of a lot of people, it would only get worse. I could handle it, but he couldn’t.”
“I wish you had told me that.” Mr. Schue said looking genuinely remorseful. “I would have tried to work something out with you.”
“I liked your version.” Mike admitted. “I’d never heard the song before, but Rachel’s version was less….honest.”
“Thank you.” Kurt said, his smile was tired and wan, and Mr. Schue leaned over to squeeze his shoulder gently, frowning at the feel of skin stretched over bone.
“I wish I could stay, but I’m on my way to a faculty meeting. I’ll try and swing by again soon.” Kurt nodded, and Mr. Schue left the apartment, feeling distinctly worse than when he entered it. He had a sickening feeling that might be the last time he would ever see Kurt alive.
“Dude, let me tell you about the guy who sat next to me on the plane…” Mike said and he regaled Kurt with the story of the story of the man who had taken up both arm rests, talked loudly on his cell phone until they made him turn it off and then asked Mike if the boil on his arm looked infected. He kept telling the story of his trip to see him long after Kurt fell asleep, because he thought the sound of his own voice was better than silence.
*************
As promised Matt arrived early the next day, Artie let him in and spoke in a low voice, informing him that Kurt wasn’t doing well and he was probably going to go soon. When Matt entered the room, Mercedes backed away from the bed, nodding to him and heading into the kitchen. Artie followed a moment later. Kurt looked at Matt tiredly, but smiled a little anyway. Matt climbed up onto Kurt’s bed, sitting Indian style at the foot, making sure not to crowd him at all.
“Hey Kurt.” He greeted softly.
“Hi Matt, long time.”
“To long, I’m sorry we had to talk again like this.”
“Me too, I’m glad you were able to come though.”
“I would have been here sooner, but I had to get out of work. My boss is a real ball buster. He actually didn’t believe me at first when I said I needed time off because a friend was dying.”
“It does sound like it could have been an excuse.” Kurt agreed.
“Horrible excuse, he finally believed me when he over heard a conversation with Mike. He called when he got his ticket and asked when I was going to be able to get mine that I needed to get my ass in gear because you needed us here. Apparently that’s what it took, because he granted me leave.”
“Who knew Mike had such powers of persuasion?” Matt laughed in agreement and they lapse into a slight silence before Matt realized he had to ask. He hadn’t planned to because it probably wasn’t his business, but he just had to know.
“Ok, I wasn’t going to ask, but I have to, why do you have a hideously misshapen orange thing spread over you?” Kurt made a wheezing sound that could have been a laugh and let his hand brush over it a little.
“A gift from Mrs. Abrams,” He admitted. “When she found out what was going on, she wanted to make me a blanket. Turns out, she’s not the best knitter. Still, I appreciate the thought even if it is a very unfortunate shade of orange. Carole thought it was so sweet she put it on the bed, and I haven’t had the energy to shove it off. It’s alright; I’m kind of cold anyway.” Matt wanted to ask how Kurt could possibly be cold, it was actually kind of hot in the apartment, but he caught himself. He knew exactly why Kurt would be cold.
“Oh, well it’s the thought that counts I guess…it is an unfortunate color though.” Kurt lacked the energy to move a blanket and that was upsetting. “This is awkward; I’m not really sure what to say.”
“I think I kind of put people on the spot with this. Not my intention, I just kinda wanted to see everyone again.”
“If you wanted to have a reunion, couldn’t you have done it a better way?” Matt teased lightly. “I mean this is all so melodramatic and all.” Kurt grinned.
“I needed something that would guarantee attendance obviously.”
“Well if nothing else, I’m pretty sure this is going to shame us all into keeping better contact with each other. If we knew you were sick sooner, we’d have been a better support system. Instead of this sorry gaggle of mourners, who just don’t know what the hell to do.”
“Did you just use the word gaggle in a sentence?”
“My vocabulary has improved immensely since high school.”
“Clearly.” Kurt offered another tired smile, and Matt leaned forward a little, his hands gripping his ankles.
“I’ve always been sorry we weren’t better friends.” Matt told him, and Kurt looked up surprised. “I never disliked you, and I never took part of the bullying. I don’t know if you knew that or not.”
“I’m sorry we weren’t either.” Kurt agreed. “I knew, I knew who the main ones were the lesser players were interchangeable, but I don’t’ think I ever saw you or Mike. You know, deathbed confessions are really cliché Matt.”
“Yes well, I’m still sorry.”
“I am too. I never blamed you for the bullying.”
“It virtually stopped all together once you became a cheerio though.”
“I was never quite sure if that was Coach Sylvester’s doing, or Santana’s.”
“Probably both.” Which was true, once had Kurt become a cheerio, helped them win, and he was off limits. Kurt yawned, and Matt sat back a little. “Why don’t you rest, we’ll all be here when you wake up next.” Kurt seemed to think that was a really good idea, because he was asleep less than a minute later. Matt stayed perched on the end of the bed, keeping a silent vigil.
*************
The original members of the glee club, minus Rachel, who they hadn’t heard from yet, spent the next few days with Kurt, trying to keep him occupied and not think about what was coming. It was for his benefit as much as their own. None of them were really prepared to say goodbye yet. They had been separated for so long, and then to be brought back together under such distressing circumstances, it was hard on them all.
Watching Kurt get progressively worse was heartbreaking. He spent most of his time sleeping, and when he was awake, he seemed like he was in tremendous pain. His dad never left his side now, and Carole seemed to take up an almost permanent residence in the kitchen, cooking and baking for the others, she seemed glad to have something to do, something to make her feel useful.
They had yet to hear from Rachel, and Finn was convinced Kurt would hold on long enough to tell her goodbye. So when she finally called, sounding nothing less than hysterical, Finn wasn’t sure how he felt. Part of him had wanted to hold off on the moment, try and keep Kurt with him a little longer, but he was hurting so bad, he was so sick; it seemed selfish to wish for it at all.
“There’s no way I can be there until late tomorrow evening, I’m still in London!” Rachel’s voice sounded a little hollow, but still shrill over the line. Finn glanced sadly over at Kurt, who was being crowded by the girls, while Puck, Matt, and Mike stood in a worried group off to the side.
“He won’t make it that long Rachel. The way he looks now, I don‘t know if he‘ll make it through tonight, let alone tomorrow.” Finn said softly, and Rachel let out a choked sob before taking a deep breath.
“Can I talk to him at least?”
“Yeah, hang on.” He trotted the phone over, Mercedes and Quinn pulling to the side to let him through. “It’s Rachel man. She’s in London, I don’t-” His voice caught, but Kurt seemed to know. Brittany held the phone for him.
“Rachel.” The others could hear her sharp wail over the phone line and Kurt flinched a little at the volume. “Hey now, no tears, I’ve had enough of that.” It took a moment but Rachel seemed to reign herself in. “Now you listen to me. I know you never did before, but do it for me now, I want you to rock your show, every performance and you put your whole heart in it. You don’t think about this, you don’t think about what’s happening now because you can’t control it, and I know you like control, you’re a bigger control freak than I am.” He paused and smiled lightly, “I think I’ve missed you Rachel.” And she was sobbing again, when Brittany took the phone away, Kurt slumped sideways as if the effort of talking had just drained him completely.
Brittany promised to call Rachel when they had news.
It’s ten when Burt kicked everyone out. Carole retreated to the room she and Burt had been using in recent days, and Finn retreated to the room that was always considered his. At some point during the night, they both migrated out to the living room to be with Burt and Kurt.
*************
Kurt went during the night.
Finn could only hope it was in his sleep and part of him would like to think he held on long enough to say his goodbyes. Maybe he was being to giving and that really Kurt was going to die whenever it was his body shut down, but he managed to hold on long enough to see the people he needed to see.
At first, they were all to shocked to do much of anything except stare dumbly at the body that once was Kurt Hummel.
Then Burt started sobbing and Carole and tried to consol him, but that was somewhat hard given the fact she was sobbing too. Finn didn’t even realize he was crying until Burt’s hand caught his arm and tugged him over. They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity before Finn realized he should start making calls.
Their the hardest phone calls he had ever had to make, and he couldn’t imagine having to make a harder one as he systematically called their friends and told them Kurt had died. It didn’t get easier, not matter how many times he had to say it. He asked the others to stay away from the apartment, he’d meet them at the restaurant later, but it was to much to have them here. Finn was able to get out before the coroner arrived, because he didn’t think he could take seeing that.
He met the huddle group outside around noon, and Mercedes drew him into a hug immediately. No one said anything about the tears, most of them were crying and those who weren’t look like they were making the conscious effort to hold the tears back. Finally Finn manages to pull himself together some.
“The uh, the funeral will probably be in a few days. I’ll know more in a day or so, Kurt uh, left instructions so we won’t be muddling through it.”
“Kurt planned his own funeral?” Quinn asked a little horrified.
“He knew, yeah he fought it, but Kurt was given a five percent survival rate. The fact that he beat out a year, some of his doctors considered that some sort of medical miracle. He held on for nearly four years, he’s had time to plan and come to terms with everything. I think he kept it together for us when we kept falling apart, which wasn’t fair really. It should have been the other way around.”
“He seemed so calm,” Mercedes admitted. “Like he wasn’t scared at all.”
“Yeah he was very….Kurt. Right up until the end.” Matt agreed.
“I don’t think he was scared, not at the end.” Finn admitted and after a minute of silence they decided to go ahead and go in, they would try to eat. Toast Kurt at the very least.
*************
It rained the day Kurt was buried.
It somehow seemed suitable, like that was what was suppose to happen. Burt murmured some comment about how it had been raining when he buried his wife too. Finn thought that was appropriate then. The funeral itself had been surprisingly simple, straight and to the point, no flowery language or overdone songs. Rachel had flown in from London, and she kept a tight grip on Finn’s hand the entire time, while Mercedes was curled around Puck’s arm. The glee club was crowded around each other trying to find solace were they could.
Even Coach Sylvester had shown up, and Carole would admit later that she had stopped by a few times when Kurt was first hospitalized. She had always been fond of him. Once they dispersed from the cemetery and onto the wake, the gleeks find themselves on the porch, trying to get away from the other dramatic members of the Hummel family.
“Most of them didn’t even like Kurt, it’s kind of offensive.” Finn had muttered.
“You know what I keep thinking about?” Tina said softly and Artie gave her hand a gentle squeeze. “That he was the one doing the comforting. Shouldn’t it have been the other way around?”
“He knew it was a shock to everyone.” Finn said with a shrug. “He had four years to come to terms with it, you guys had around a week. He just wanted to see you again, I don’t think he meant for your guys to stick around, watch him die. I don’t think he had planned for that.”
“Well, he should have known we wouldn’t just go “Ok, are you done with your deathbed confessions? Peace out then!” He knew better.” Artie said.
“That was stellar Kurt impression by the way.” Puck said sarcastically. They slowly let the conversation dwindle and over the next few hours, they slowly left.
*************
Time passed, and for a while, Finn would go to the cemetery and watch the grass grown on the grave. It was strange and worrisome, but when he explained that it was a coping mechanism, Quinn would just sit with him until he was ready to leave. She didn’t understand it, but if it made him feel like was still somehow connected to his brother, than she wasn’t going to stop him.
What Matt had said as a joke, about Kurt shaming them into keep in contact with each other turned out to be true. They made a conscious effort to not lose touch again and making sure to try and keep up with each other at least once a year. They would get together and remember the good times, share their new successes or failures. Try and reconnect as a family.
But it was never the same.