Fic: Would it be Better?
Title: Would it be Better?
Disclaimer: I don't own em, I if I did glee would probably have to be on a different channel.
Rating: R
Characters: Kurt, Burt, Finn, Carole, The Glee Club, Will, and Sue. Yeah, pretty much everyone!
Warnings: Ok, so long warnings, Suicide warning, subject matter, not much language I don't think, disturbing themes, hospital scenes, You get the drift.
Word count: 7200
Summary: Kurt thinks things would be better off without him. So he goes to test that theory.
A/N: This was a by Prompt by kirke_novak over at glee_angst_meme, and I was so inspired by it I finished it tonight. Worked on this for several hours.
Kurt knew that in the beginning he had tried to get his dad together with Finn’s mom for all the wrong reasons, but he really did want his dad to be happy. He hadn’t lied about that. His dad was happy; he hadn’t seen him light up the way he lit up around Finn’s mom since his own mother had still been alive. Though it did hurt to see that his dad seemed happier with Finn and his mother in a few months than he had been with Kurt for years. Still, it did hurt when his dad and Finn went off to do something and he hadn’t been asked to join. He tried to bond with Carole, he did, and she was a nice woman, but she wasn’t his mother. He appreciated that she never tried to be, but he just couldn’t connect with her the way she seemed to want to.
Still, he wanted his dad to be happy, he couldn’t remember the last time he honestly was happy, so he quickly stamped down on his feelings of upset. It was easy enough to do, he would just stow it away with all the other soul crushing things that had happened in his life. Still, he would be lying if he said he didn’t feel a throb of pain every time, his father went out with Carole, or over to her home, and left him alone in their house, something that was becoming increasingly common.
He did feel a little bit of resentment towards Finn, but every time his brain even strayed in that direction, he got hit with a wave of heavy, crushing, guilt and tries to squash that down too. Finn couldn’t help it if he was the son his father should have had, had always wanted to have. His dad never said it out loud, but he wasn’t exactly subtle either. So Kurt smiled and pretended it didn’t hurt when his father spoke so highly of Finn, and whatever sport Finn was doing. Because really, at the rate their parents were going, it would be quite likely he’d be hearing about this for a long time.
School had also begun to be increasingly unbearable. If Sue hadn’t pulled them into the office for that damn talk about weight, he was sure things wouldn’t have been so awful, but it drug up self image issues he thought he had dealt with a long time ago, and because he was upset, he had been insensitive with Mercedes. He had apologized, and she seemed to hold no ill will towards him, but he felt terrible none the less. He really had meant it, when he said that she shouldn’t be ashamed of how she looked, because Mercedes was beautiful, and she was talented, and any guy would be beyond lucky to be with her. Maybe he would try and do something with her to try and redeem himself.
Things were beginning to stack up on each other, and Kurt wasn’t sure if they could possibly get any worse. And for a while, things maintained, but then things did get worse, in the form of a dinner with the Hudson’s. Carole had made them dinner, and while it all looked fantastic, Kurt couldn’t eat the main course. So he ate plenty of salad and the other sides she had offered, but Carole noticed.
“I’m sorry, do you not like shrimp pasta?” Carole asks, and Kurt looked up to flash her a smile.
“It looks wonderful, but unfortunately I can’t eat shrimp.” He tells her, and he wondered why his dad had flashed him that warning look, it was true, he really couldn’t have shrimp.
“He’s always been picky.” Burt says, and that had stung. He wasn’t being picky, he could understand that look if he was being picky, but his dad knew he couldn’t have it.
“Oh, well I’ll make sure to get some Kurt friendly meals then!” She replies cheerfully and went back to eating, and something about that made him feel even worse. He wanted to defend himself, but he somehow felt that if he did, his dad would be even more upset, so he remained silent and ate the rest of the meal, listening as the others talked around him. He thought the rest of the evening had gone off without a hitch, and the pasta incident was forgotten. It wasn’t until he was in the car with his dad, that he realized it hadn’t.
“You could have handled that better; she went to a lot of trouble to make dinner for us.” Burt tells him, and Kurt glanced over in disbelief.
“What did you want me to do Dad? I couldn’t eat it, I thought it would be more polite to eat around it than point out she made something I couldn’t have. I’m sorry if you thought I handled it badly, but I figured that would be better than eating the food anyway and winding up in the emergency room.” Color flooded Burt’s face and Kurt couldn’t tell if he was angry or just embarrassed by the situation. “I’m sorry.” Kurt says again, though he didn’t know why he was apologizing, he hadn’t done anything wrong.
“No, you’re right.” Burt tells him with a sigh. “I completely forgot about your allergy, sorry kid.” He reached over and squeezed Kurt’s shoulder, but somehow that made him feel even worse. His dad had forgotten about his life threatening allergy? He bit the inside of his cheek and turned to look out the window the rest of the way home.
********************
Over the next several weeks, Burt spent more and more time with Finn and his mother, and less time at home, and Kurt was beginning to think maybe he didn’t really have a place with them after all. He had thought, for a while at least, he just needed to find his niche, but so far, it could not be found. When his father was around, he didn’t seem all that interested with what was going on with Kurt, so Kurt stopped talking to him about it, and just smiled and nodded as his dad went on and on about Finn and his mother.
School was not much better, if it wasn’t for Glee, he wasn’t sure he’d have held on for as long as he did, but after several sessions, where Mr. Schue made it clear in more ways than one he did not approve of Kurt and Mercedes joining the Cheerio’s, by constantly sticking them in the far back, and allowing them to join in the chorus, he decided that even that wasn’t worth anything anymore.
He was spiraling, and he felt out of control. He wasn’t lashing out at people, but he was quiet, reserved and his friends were getting worried. Mercedes kept sidelining him, Tina and Artie kept dragging him off for 'fun' filled events, hell it must be bad if even Puck was trying to cheer him up. And he did try, for them he did; he just couldn’t seem to drag himself out of the funk he had fallen into.
It wasn’t until Karofsky checked him rather violently against the lockers and informed him that they would all be better off if he was dead, that he realized, the little inner voice that normally would sneer some sort of insult back simply agreed. At first that horrified him, and he kept on trying to find the good in whatever was going on, but it was getting harder and harder, and finally he began to think, hell maybe they would be, maybe he should just finish himself off.
And for some reason that idea made him happy.
He figures that must count for something and comes to the decision that it would be for the best. So he slowly but steadily begins to plan out what needs to be done, he draws up a rough copy of a will, that he will fine tune in the coming weeks. He thinks he should leave his friends some things. He knows he should feel guiltier about doing this, but he honestly does think that it will be for the best if he does just go ahead and get out of everyone’s way. He just seems to make things worse anyhow.
He plans it out, at first he thought that slicing his wrists would be the way to go, but to much could go wrong with that, it would take to long to bleed out. Hanging was out of the question, again, to much to go wrong, the noose could snap. He finally settles on overdosing, quick, relatively painless, and harder to stop. At least that’s what he’s heard. He kind of thinks that one might be less traumatizing for his dad too, like he could maybe pretend he did it by accident instead of on purpose.
He gives himself three weeks to make all his final arrangements, and because knowing he’s set himself a timeline, he’s able to be more upbeat. His friends seem to relax a little bit more around him, and assume whatever he was dealing with he had dealt with successfully. Which was in some way true, but they just didn‘t know he‘d picked the worst possible course. Not only does he feel better with this new idea in his head, but things seem to be a little better for him at school too.
The jocks back off, he isn’t sure but he thinks Finn might have had something to do with that. He had gotten into the slightly disturbing trend of treating Kurt very much like his little brother, and it weirded him out…like a lot. But the jocks backed off, and Mr. Schuester seemed to realize that maybe punishing them wasn’t the way to try and get their loyalty, so he began to give both Mercedes and himself duets and solos. Which he sang with renewed vigor. He was putting his heart into everything he was asked to sing, because really his heart has to go somewhere.
He spends a lot of time with Mercedes, Artie, and Tina because he thinks of them all, they’ll take this the hardest. The three would band together once he was gone, but he wanted to spend time with them while he could, because he’d miss them. Hell he’d even miss Rachel in some weird twisted kind of way. Still, he knew he couldn’t, wouldn’t, change his mind. Him dying would be best for all involved. He was holding people back.
So as time passes, he slowly begins to give some of his things away, he always has a pretty good excuse as to why, he was getting a new one, or he knew they would get more use out of it, and his friends while surprised, normally accepted them gratefully. He made sure not to give away anything he knew would raise suspicion; he didn’t want anyone to try and talk him out of what he was doing. He made sure to let everyone know how much he loved them, how he appreciated their friendship, no matter how short a time it might have been. Again, he’s not conspicuous, only when the timing and mood is rightfully set for it, but he’s beginning to think Artie might be cluing in. He’s proven right a few days later.
“You’d tell us if you were thinking about doing something incredibly stupid right?” Artie asks one day while he and Kurt are sitting in study hall.
“Excuse me?”
“I mean, we’re your friends, you’d come to us if something bad was happening or if you were thinking about doing something we’d have to kill you for, wouldn’t you?”
“Of course I would.” Kurt tells him, and he really doesn’t feel like he’s doing something stupid. He’s doing something that needs to be done that’s all. It might sting at first, but the others would understand, he was sure of it.
“Just so we’re clear,” Artie began and Kurt turned to look at him again. “If you do something stupid, I might have to kill you.”
“Noted.” Kurt assured him, and really if Kurt had been planning something stupid he would have sought out his friends. But he wasn’t. This needed to be done, for his father’s happiness. For everyone’s happiness. He understood that now.
When his three weeks were up, it was a Tuesday, which for some reason actually seemed fitting. He knew his father was going to a game with Finn, so he wouldn’t be home until later. So Kurt took his time, he put all the final touches on his own little will, before writing out a letter to his dad. Really, his dad would be fine. He had Carole; he had Finn, a family. The family he deserved. So it’s kept short, but it’s heartfelt, and if Kurt cried a little, well, no one was there to know.
After thinking a few moments, he writes letters, to Mercedes, Artie, and Tina, because really he thinks they deserve to know what happened. He even writes a letter to Carole, apologizing for not getting to know her better, and that he’s sorry if she took offense to his not eating her shrimp pasta. He tells her that she and his dad will be able to live happily without him and his extra baggage hanging over their heads. He lets her know that he is sorry that he isn’t going to get to know her better though.
When he’s finished with his letters, he heads into his bathroom, sets the letters down beside him, and pulls out three full bottles they had all been filled recently. He slowly empties each out and swallows them by the handful, until he feels like the ground is rolling under his feet and the edges of his vision are starting to darken. He downs the contents of two and a half bottles before darkness claims him and he falls to the floor, sprawled out awkwardly in the space.
When Burt came home a few hours later the first thing he thought when he stumbled upon his son was that he had fallen and hit his head. Then he saw the empty bottles, and scattered pills, and his blood ran cold. He staggered, falling to his knees he more or less slid the rest of the way to his son, trembling fingers pressing against his throat for a pulse, any sign of life.
He was so pale.
Burt pressed harder, because damn it, he was not going to lose his son! And it was there, soft, thready, barely even there, but a pulse none the less, and he’s on the phone before he even thinks about it, practically screaming for help. His fingers grab the letters by his son and he tightens his grip around them, telling himself he’ll read it later. He vaguely hears the instructions he’s being given, and he’s answering questions with such uncertainty that he isn’t sure what to do. Once the ambulance finally gets there after minutes of Burt pleading and begging for Kurt to just hold on, he’s watching numbly as their loading him up and then he’s being told he can’t come with them, because they need room to work. That’s his son, his little boy and he’s going to fight it, but then Kurt makes a spastic movement, and machines start wailing and the doors are slammed in his face.
He watches face pale as the ambulance screeches off, sirens wailing. He takes a deep breath, and clenches trembling fingers around the crinkled sheets of paper he’s still clutching. He isn’t sure he can actually drive. He calls Carole, because that seems like the smartest thing for him to do, he wouldn’t be any use to Kurt if he got himself killed on the way. The entire time he waits for Carole to pick up the phone he wonders what exactly went so wrong.
********************
Carole is doing laundry while Finn finished his homework at the table when the phone rings. She picks it up on the third ring, a smile flittering across her face when she sees Burt’s name on the caller ID. She barely even says hello, before a flood of words greets her, and it takes her a few moments to decipher what he’s said, but when she does the color drains out of her face and she collapses into a seat.
“Oh my god, yes I’ll be right there!” She quickly gathers her purse and keys, and doesn’t really care that she’s not dressed to go out, and it isn’t until Finn literally steps into her path does she stop moving.
“Mom, what’s going on?”
“I have to go get Burt; they just took Kurt to the hospital.” Finn just stuffs his feet into a pair of shoes and follows.
When they reach him, Burt is pacing his driveway like a wild animal, and Finn quickly gets out and hops into the backseat.
“What happened?” Carole asks gently and Burt seems to deflate, his head in his hands.
“I thought he had fallen.” He says so softly Finn has to lean forward to hear him. “Fallen and smacked his head, but then I saw the bottles.” And Finn might not be the smartest person around, but he understood that implication.
“No way.” he gasped and his mother shot him a warning look in the mirror. He ignores it. “Kurt is like the strongest person I know, that doesn’t make any sense!”
“There were letters.” And then Finn shuts up, because letters where normally the universal sign for people knew what they were doing. Finn lets out a soft whimper, before folding in on himself, because it still doesn’t make sense. What happened to cause this? Kurt survived so much, and this was how he was choosing to go out? No, that didn’t make sense.
Once they reach the hospital, his mom pauses long enough for Burt to throw himself out of the car, before going to park. Finn had wanted to go with him, but he caught the look his mother gave him and wisely stayed seated. He was still trying to wrap him mind around it when they catch up with Burt, who’s sitting in one of the chairs with his head in his hands.
“Burt?” She asked gently.
“They’re still working on him…they’re going to pump his stomach, but he’s not breathing on his own.”
“But, he’s gonna be ok right?” Finn asked, and when Burt glanced up he could see how close to loosing it the other man was.
“Kurt took nearly three bottles of pain killers, overdosing on even one could be fatal.”
And then silence reigns. Finn feels like a failure, like he should have seen this somehow. He was suppose to be Kurt’s friend, how did he not see how bad this was? He’s drawn out of his thoughts by the sound of crinkling paper, and Burt releases his fist, and reveals the paper inside. After a moment he flips through them, before cautiously handing one to Carole, opening one himself and setting three aside. For some reason the fact there’s no letter for him stings. A lot more than he thought it would.
He tries to feel lucky about that when his mother starts crying and Burt makes a noise like he’s just been gutted. Whatever was in those letters, they were bad. He watches his mom reach over and grip Burt’s hand and Finn shifts in his seat, he wants to know what’s going on, but knows now is not the time to ask. It isn’t until a doctor finally comes out, nearly an hour later and asks for Burt that he asks his mother.
“What happened?” His mother turns teary eyes on him and allows him to read her letter. He wishes he hadn’t. Part of him wants to blame Kurt, to rage at him for being so stupid. A bigger part of him wants to bash his head against the wall, because really it was kind of obvious now. Kurt had repeatedly been shucked to the side. He couldn’t remember the last time anyone asked Kurt what he wanted to do, or what me might want for dinner. Kurt had only wanted a place in their little unit, and it felt like he was being denied a place at every turn.
Thinking back on it he could see how he could feel that way.
The worst part was that even by his hand writing Finn could tell Kurt honestly, well and truly thought this was the best for everyone. He wasn’t doing this to try and get away from his own pain; he was doing it because he thought people would be happier without him. He doesn’t realize he’s crying until his mother’s wrapping her arms around him and making these hitching noises, and he knows she’s crying too.
Finn isn’t sure how he’ll do it but if, no when, Kurt comes to; he’s going to fix it.
********************
It takes Burt an entire day before they can convince him to go home and change. He hadn’t been willing to leave his son’s side, and whatever his particular letter said and put a look on his face that Finn wasn’t sure he’d ever seen someone sport before. It was so anguished. Burt wasn’t really talking much, and when he did it was just fevered apologizes to Kurt, peppered in with some pleading for him to just wake up. He returns the next day, and he only leaves when Finn asks to see him, or if a nurse or doctor tells him he needs to. Otherwise he keeps up his apologizes.
His mother isn’t taking this much better. She cries a lot, and often murmurs how they should have done better by him. Finn flinches but knows that it’s true. She tells him he can go home, that he doesn’t have to stay here, but he does. He can’t, and he won’t, leave Kurt like this. He feels responsible for this too, and part of him hates being in the room with Kurt, because he doesn’t look like Kurt. He looks like a body. But he forces himself to sit there because he owes Kurt that.
All Finn really wants if for Kurt to wake up so he can talk to him. Because he can’t make things any better if Kurt remains as he is. As it is, there’s a tube shoved down his throat because he’s having a hard time breathing or something, and Finn wonders just how much of Kurt is actually left. He wisely keeps this to himself, but Burt looks like he might fall apart any second, and his mother looks like she might keel over if he mentions it. So he keeps it to himself and just watches, hoping that Kurt will eventually wake up and they can get back on the right path, make sure Kurt knew where he belonged.
********************
It’s Thursday when Carole thinks that she should probably call the school. Neither Kurt nor Finn has been there since Tuesday, and she’s sure people are wondering what’s going on. She speaks to the principal first, and gives him the bare bone details, simply that Kurt has been hospitalized and she and her son where staying at the hospital with his father. She tells the glee teacher a little more. Finn is the one who asks her to call him, and to tell him what’s going on, so she does. She tells him what happened, and when he speaks again, it’s in detached horror and shock. When he asks if he should tell the others, Finn shakes his head.
He thinks he should be the one to do it, he owes Kurt that much.
So on Friday his mother brings him by the school and he stops by while the club is halfway through its performance. Rachel sees him first and stops the song to call out to him, and he smiles weakly. Mr. Schue nods and has them cut the music before he lets Finn have the floor. Finn has no idea what to say, he hasn’t really thought that far in advance yet, so he just decides to tell them.
“Um, so I’m sure you guys have noticed Kurt and I haven’t been in school.” He begins and there’s a splattering of nods. “Kurt, was uh, hospitalized on Tuesday, so we’ve been there.” People are asking questions, talking over one another in an attempt to be heard. He finally holds up a hand and it quiets down.
“What happened Finn?” Mercedes finally demands and he shuts his eyes for a moment.
“This is really hard guys, so please just let me get through it. There’s no easy way to sugar coat this, so I should probably just say it. When his dad got home on Tuesday night he found Kurt passed out in the bathroom, he hadn’t hit his head though, and there were empty medicine bottles around him.” He gets out in a rush, and he waits until that news sinks in. It’s silent and still for all of twenty seconds and then all hell breaks loose.
Mercedes starts crying, big heaving sobs, and Tina instantly moves to hug her, tears trickling down her own cheeks. Artie looks pale and strangely angry, he’s muttering something, but Finn’s attention is diverted when Brittany lets out a keening wail and buckles over her legs. Nothing fake about it either, she really did like Kurt, and this was upsetting. Santana and Quinn tend to her, though they both look distressed at the news, Quinn is even crying a little.
Mike and Matt are looking at each other, having some sort of silent conversation with their eyes, but they both look horrified and shocked. Puck’s reaction has him confused, because he figured he wouldn’t care. But he looks like he might be sick, and there’s genuine concern in his eyes. He clears his throat a little and the others look back to him.
“He’s in a coma, the doctors aren’t sure if he’s going to wake up, but his dad and my mom thought you guys should know.” He fishes around for the three letters and hands them over; Artie accepts all three since Mercedes and Tina don’t seem to be in any position to do so. Artie opens his letter rather aggressively, but once he actually reads the contents, his own eyes well up and he tosses the remaining two letters in Tina’s lap and wheels himself from the room.
“Um, his dad said you guys could visit if you wanted to. That he might hear us if we talk to him. I just thought I should be the one to tell you guys. I’m so sorry.” And then he flees the room back to his mother and the car. He wants to get back to Kurt.
********************
When the glee club members do come by, Burt and his mother make themselves scarce.
Surprisingly, Mike is the first to visit.
Finn hadn’t even known they were friends, but Mike tells him that not only had Kurt totally pulled out ass out of the fire by tutoring him in Economics, they both had a love for dance that had created a bond for them, even if it was two completely different styles. Finn offers to leave, but Mike shrugs it off, it isn’t like he’s going to confess some sort of undying love for him or anything.
“Hey Kurt.” Mike starts simply, to the point. “So man, you’ve missed some pretty eventful things at school.” And Mike just fills him in on what’s been going on. Mike’s approach seems to be to talk to Kurt like he’s able to talk back, answering his own questions with “I know, right?” and really, seems to be handling it fairly well. He isn’t throwing accusations at Kurt or being weird around him, he’s just talking to him. It isn’t until Finn glances back up and half an hour has passed before Mike stands up. “Wish I could stay longer dude, but I’ve got practice, you know what I mean. Get better, cause things are pretty lame without you around.” He pats Kurt’s shoulder in a friendly manner, before offering Finn a smile.
“He’ll be ok, if anything Kurt’s a survivor, he might have had a momentary lapse of judgment, but he’s far too stubborn to give in now.” Mike offers a wave and he’s gone.
Tina and Artie come together.
Finn is trying to sleep, when they come, but neither seems to care that much that he’s there. He’s tempted to open his eyes when he hears Tina’s breathing hitch, but realizes it’s not his place to interrupt them.
“Kurt, you jackass.” Artie says, but there’s no actual heat in his voice. “You said you’d come to us if things got bad. I read your letter by the way, and I’m still going to kill you. In fact, if you die, I’ll bring you back just so I can kill you again for being an idiot.” Then he heaves out a sigh and there’s a rustling of movement.
“He must have been so sad.” Tina’s voice is somber, and there’s a hint of tears in it.
“He’s still a moron.” Artie replied, but again it lacked anger. “Maybe if I had pushed a little harder.”
“No, Artie, whatever happened to make Kurt think this was the best for everyone? I don’t think we could have stopped that. We might have slowed it down, but this may have happened either way.”
“If you don’t wake up, I’ll kill you.” Artie said, and really it would have been amusing if Artie hadn’t sounded so damn sadPlease, just wake up ok? I won’t kill you, I swear, I’ll just…smack you around a bit…ok?” and Finn can almost hear the weak attempt at a smile. “We can get past it. Everyone makes mistakes, and this is just some kind of really horrible mistake, so just wake up ok?” And once the two leave, Finn can’t help but think about how much this is hurting everyone.
Mercedes comes with Quinn of all people.
Finn doesn’t offer to leave, and neither of the girls even bother to acknowledge his existence. Instead Mercedes makes a beeline for Kurt, takes up the hand that’s not covered in tape and wires and brings it to her chest, tears flooding her eyes almost at once.
“I should be really mad at you.” She tells him. “After everything we’ve been through. Oh I always knew you held things back, for reasons only you knew, but I never thought you’d hold something like this back. God Kurt, how could you think that? We’re your friends, we love you, my life changed because I know you!” and her voice cracks as tears trickle down her cheeks. “I can’t be mad. Not knowing you were hurting so badly, that it got so bad you thought this would be better, I want to be mad, I want to hate you, but god help me, I can’t.” And she breaks down completely, quiet hitching sobs catching in her throat. He watches as Quinn puts a gentle hand on her back, before turning her attention to Kurt, using her free hand to brush a stray piece of hair away.
“We haven’t always gotten along.” Quinn says. “But you never turned your back on me, even after the whole baby daddy drama, you never treated me any differently. Do you remember after sectionals?” And Finn cocks his head slightly, because he didn’t know what she was talking about. “You found me crying in the ladies room and you just stayed there with me and let me cry. I really needed that you know. You didn’t let me push you away, but I let you didn’t I?” she said softly, wiping her eyes a little.
“Listen Kurt, you’ve always been my boy, and this isn’t going to change it ok?” Mercedes asks before gently laying his hand back down to his side. Mercedes barely acknowledges Finn, but Quinn gives him a brief nod before smoothing her hand down the side of Kurt’s face.
“You promised you’d help me pick out some clothes, remember Kurt? I’m holding you to that.” Quinn tells him, and then the girls leave the room. He isn’t sure if he should feel offended he didn’t even get a greeting, but then thinks he should probably spend less time camped out in Kurt’s room. Though he never follows through with that.
Puck is there when he leaves the bathroom after taking a shower.
He isn’t speaking to him, he isn’t touching him, he’s just staring at him like he’s never seen him before. Puck blinks twice before meeting Finn’s eyes and for once, Finn can’t just ignore him, because for the first time in a really long time, Puck looks lost. Like he doesn’t know what to do or what to say, and that this isn’t something he can just beat into submission.
“He’s like the strongest guy I know.” Puck says finally. “And if he could do this, then what the hell kind of hope do the rest of us have?” Finn doesn’t have an answer for him, and Puck just nods before giving Kurt’s shoulder an awkward, but surprisingly gentle pat and he flees the room. Finn can honestly say he’s surprised. He didn’t think Puck of all people would show up. He and Kurt never seemed to have much of a relationship, but then again he supposes that Glee has changed people.
Matt comes with Santana and Brittany.
He hovers near Finn, because hospitals freak him out and out of everyone he knows Kurt the least. So he stands with Finn and observes as Brittany starts crying and Santana starts fussing with blankets, more to keep her hands busy than anything else, Finn’s sure.
Brittany doesn’t speak; she just leans down and hugs Kurt gently before fleeing to Matt’s arms. Santana on the other hands remains by his bed, and for some reason Finn is a little anxious. It isn’t like Santana and Kurt have ever actually really spoken to each other, at least not more than a few words at a time, but she does seem genuinely upset.
“You’re too good for this.” She tells him. “Far too good, you remember that.” And then she accepts Brittany from Matt, and the trio leave, though Matt pauses briefly to murmur an awkward;
“Get better.”
Rachel is the last of the glee clubbers, and part of Finn is surprised she came at all.
“We don’t like each other.” Rachel says matter of factly, and Finn frowns behind the magazine he’s pretending to read. “But I never wanted something like this to happen to you.” She lets out a soft sigh and lets her hand rest over Kurt’s. “I worried about you, you know. I’d seen some of what my dad’s went through and I wondered if it happened to you too. I bet it did, I bet that’s why you kept everyone at arms length. Even Mercedes you’re closest friend. We aren’t friends.” And Finn’s frown deepens. “But I think we could be. We could be really great friends, we’re very a like you and me, that’s probably why we fight so much. But if you come back to us, I’m going to try. I hope you will too, ok?” She glanced at Finn then, and she kinda looks like she might cry.
“Um, thanks for coming.” He says, because he isn’t sure what else to say.
“Of course.” Then she’s gone, and Finn wonders if Kurt actually heard anything people had to say.
Mr. Schue arrives three days after Rachel.
Mike, Mercedes, Tina and Artie have all been back by to see him since then, but Finn is a little surprised to see him. The teacher shifts awkwardly in the doorway before approaching the bed. He pulls back just a little because Kurt suddenly looks so damn small, and fragile. Like if he breathed the wrong way he could shatter him, and something about that is just so wrong, and it makes his chest hurt.
“I’m sorry Kurt.” He says. “I’ve done a lot of things wrong with you, haven’t I?” He sighed, before rubbing a hand across his face. “I knew you missed the high F on purpose. I should have asked you, you wanted that part so badly, there had to be a reason you would blow it, I should have found out why you did that. Instead I just passed my judgment as I was right and you were shuffled to the chorus again. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for constantly shoving you into the back, and silencing you when you tried to voice your concerns. I have no good reasons for it either. But when you get better, things are going to change. I promise you that much.” He nods to Finn and leaves as quickly as he arrived.
The real shocker is that Sue Sylvester came by.
And Finn is not ashamed to admit, he hid in the bathroom during her visit. He might not have intended to, in the beginning, but he heard her voice, and did not want to risk going out there, but he could hear what she said.
“I expected better out of you.” And Finn frowns, because he can’t see what’s going on. She could be disconnecting things for all he knew! “But I suppose we all forget you’re still just a kid. You carry yourself to well, like an adult, and we forget. Yes, even I am only human. I put you on the cheerios for a reason, and it wasn’t just to screw with William Schuester, or try and destroy the glee club. You and Aretha, you’ve got talent. Talent that isn’t being utilized. It needs to be, and I thought I could help that along.” She’s quiet for a few moments before she heaves a heavy sigh. “I never did thank you for the makeover, you kids didn’t have to do that.” There’s a rustling that sounds like she stood up. “I’m not going to replace you unless you give me reason to.” She tells him and then it’s quiet, Finn thinks she left when the door is ripped out and he lets out a really embarrassing shriek.
“Bathrooms, are for wimps!” She shouts at him, before striding from the room. His heart doesn’t stop racing for a long time.
********************
Three days later, Kurt gives her a reason he replace him.
He dies, bite the dust, bought the farm, however you wanted to say it, Kurt Hummel, had in all spiritual senses, left the building. Finn still couldn’t quite believe it.
Kurt’s heart just stopped. The doctors said they were surprised he held on as long as he did, they had done everything they could, but Kurt was just gone. He had probably been gone since he crashed in the ambulance on the way here. Finn thought Kurt held on for just as long as he could. He wonders if he regrets it at all?
Burt didn’t cry. At least Finn never saw him cry, but his eyes were constantly red rimmed, and his face had gone gray, and Finn was a little worried Burt might just follow him. His mother cried, she had genuinely liked Kurt, and part of her felt responsible, he knew that because part of him felt responsible too. Burt had shut the basement door, and hadn’t been down there since Kurt died. When Finn does go down there it’s to find a particular suit that Burt thought would be best for the funeral.
Once he gets into Kurt’s room though, that’s just so Kurt, he flies into a blind rage though, and he breaks things, screams until his voice is raw, and eventually, he breaks down completely and sobs in a useless pile on the floor. Because of all people, he should not be trying to help plan Kurt’s funeral. Kurt was supposed to get out. He was supposed to do great things with his life. He wasn’t supposed to succumb to this.
He isn’t sure when his mother gets there, but he’s wrapped up in her arms, while he cries, because he lost a friend. A really good friend that had his back on more than one occasion, and he deserved better than what he got in return. Because Finn’s friendship was rather one sided wasn’t it? Kurt listened, and Kurt helped and Finn unloaded all his problems. Then he went and all but stole Kurt’s dad.
They hadn’t made it easy for him, no, Finn can see now all in hindsight that Kurt would have held on, adapted, if they had just thrown him a lifeline. He had been drowning, desperately trying to find something, anything, so he could fit with their perfect little group. Instead they shoved him away, like the dirty little secret, and he can only think that there’s enough blame to go around because they could have all responded differently.
The funeral is on a Sunday, and it’s to bright and sunny out.
Finn’s hallowed out, he can’t even cry he’s so tired, but he looks around at the people who have attended. The entire glee club is there, several cheerios who have gotten to know Kurt during his brief stint there, and a few members of the jazz band. Strangely, so is Sue Sylvester. It’s small, and part of Finn feels bad that more people aren’t here to mourn him. The service itself is short, to the point, and Finn spends more time watching the others than he does listening to the service. Burt Hummel is crying now, silently, but tears are on his face and he brushes them away quickly. His mother is crying, and she’s holding onto Burt like a lifeline, and maybe he is. Maybe they are all that’s keeping each other going right now.
Once the service actually ends and they move onto the wake. Finn quickly makes his escape and finds the rest of the glee club gathered on the porch. The girls are in tears, even Rachel. Artie looks like he very well might start any second now, and keeps muttering how he really thought Kurt would hang on, and how he really was going to kill him. Weirdly enough, Puck looks like he’s going to throw up. Violently.
Finn looks around at the devastation this caused and wondered what on earth made Kurt thought that this would be better? Anything would have been better than this.
Disclaimer: I don't own em, I if I did glee would probably have to be on a different channel.
Rating: R
Characters: Kurt, Burt, Finn, Carole, The Glee Club, Will, and Sue. Yeah, pretty much everyone!
Warnings: Ok, so long warnings, Suicide warning, subject matter, not much language I don't think, disturbing themes, hospital scenes, You get the drift.
Word count: 7200
Summary: Kurt thinks things would be better off without him. So he goes to test that theory.
A/N: This was a by Prompt by kirke_novak over at glee_angst_meme, and I was so inspired by it I finished it tonight. Worked on this for several hours.
Kurt knew that in the beginning he had tried to get his dad together with Finn’s mom for all the wrong reasons, but he really did want his dad to be happy. He hadn’t lied about that. His dad was happy; he hadn’t seen him light up the way he lit up around Finn’s mom since his own mother had still been alive. Though it did hurt to see that his dad seemed happier with Finn and his mother in a few months than he had been with Kurt for years. Still, it did hurt when his dad and Finn went off to do something and he hadn’t been asked to join. He tried to bond with Carole, he did, and she was a nice woman, but she wasn’t his mother. He appreciated that she never tried to be, but he just couldn’t connect with her the way she seemed to want to.
Still, he wanted his dad to be happy, he couldn’t remember the last time he honestly was happy, so he quickly stamped down on his feelings of upset. It was easy enough to do, he would just stow it away with all the other soul crushing things that had happened in his life. Still, he would be lying if he said he didn’t feel a throb of pain every time, his father went out with Carole, or over to her home, and left him alone in their house, something that was becoming increasingly common.
He did feel a little bit of resentment towards Finn, but every time his brain even strayed in that direction, he got hit with a wave of heavy, crushing, guilt and tries to squash that down too. Finn couldn’t help it if he was the son his father should have had, had always wanted to have. His dad never said it out loud, but he wasn’t exactly subtle either. So Kurt smiled and pretended it didn’t hurt when his father spoke so highly of Finn, and whatever sport Finn was doing. Because really, at the rate their parents were going, it would be quite likely he’d be hearing about this for a long time.
School had also begun to be increasingly unbearable. If Sue hadn’t pulled them into the office for that damn talk about weight, he was sure things wouldn’t have been so awful, but it drug up self image issues he thought he had dealt with a long time ago, and because he was upset, he had been insensitive with Mercedes. He had apologized, and she seemed to hold no ill will towards him, but he felt terrible none the less. He really had meant it, when he said that she shouldn’t be ashamed of how she looked, because Mercedes was beautiful, and she was talented, and any guy would be beyond lucky to be with her. Maybe he would try and do something with her to try and redeem himself.
Things were beginning to stack up on each other, and Kurt wasn’t sure if they could possibly get any worse. And for a while, things maintained, but then things did get worse, in the form of a dinner with the Hudson’s. Carole had made them dinner, and while it all looked fantastic, Kurt couldn’t eat the main course. So he ate plenty of salad and the other sides she had offered, but Carole noticed.
“I’m sorry, do you not like shrimp pasta?” Carole asks, and Kurt looked up to flash her a smile.
“It looks wonderful, but unfortunately I can’t eat shrimp.” He tells her, and he wondered why his dad had flashed him that warning look, it was true, he really couldn’t have shrimp.
“He’s always been picky.” Burt says, and that had stung. He wasn’t being picky, he could understand that look if he was being picky, but his dad knew he couldn’t have it.
“Oh, well I’ll make sure to get some Kurt friendly meals then!” She replies cheerfully and went back to eating, and something about that made him feel even worse. He wanted to defend himself, but he somehow felt that if he did, his dad would be even more upset, so he remained silent and ate the rest of the meal, listening as the others talked around him. He thought the rest of the evening had gone off without a hitch, and the pasta incident was forgotten. It wasn’t until he was in the car with his dad, that he realized it hadn’t.
“You could have handled that better; she went to a lot of trouble to make dinner for us.” Burt tells him, and Kurt glanced over in disbelief.
“What did you want me to do Dad? I couldn’t eat it, I thought it would be more polite to eat around it than point out she made something I couldn’t have. I’m sorry if you thought I handled it badly, but I figured that would be better than eating the food anyway and winding up in the emergency room.” Color flooded Burt’s face and Kurt couldn’t tell if he was angry or just embarrassed by the situation. “I’m sorry.” Kurt says again, though he didn’t know why he was apologizing, he hadn’t done anything wrong.
“No, you’re right.” Burt tells him with a sigh. “I completely forgot about your allergy, sorry kid.” He reached over and squeezed Kurt’s shoulder, but somehow that made him feel even worse. His dad had forgotten about his life threatening allergy? He bit the inside of his cheek and turned to look out the window the rest of the way home.
********************
Over the next several weeks, Burt spent more and more time with Finn and his mother, and less time at home, and Kurt was beginning to think maybe he didn’t really have a place with them after all. He had thought, for a while at least, he just needed to find his niche, but so far, it could not be found. When his father was around, he didn’t seem all that interested with what was going on with Kurt, so Kurt stopped talking to him about it, and just smiled and nodded as his dad went on and on about Finn and his mother.
School was not much better, if it wasn’t for Glee, he wasn’t sure he’d have held on for as long as he did, but after several sessions, where Mr. Schue made it clear in more ways than one he did not approve of Kurt and Mercedes joining the Cheerio’s, by constantly sticking them in the far back, and allowing them to join in the chorus, he decided that even that wasn’t worth anything anymore.
He was spiraling, and he felt out of control. He wasn’t lashing out at people, but he was quiet, reserved and his friends were getting worried. Mercedes kept sidelining him, Tina and Artie kept dragging him off for 'fun' filled events, hell it must be bad if even Puck was trying to cheer him up. And he did try, for them he did; he just couldn’t seem to drag himself out of the funk he had fallen into.
It wasn’t until Karofsky checked him rather violently against the lockers and informed him that they would all be better off if he was dead, that he realized, the little inner voice that normally would sneer some sort of insult back simply agreed. At first that horrified him, and he kept on trying to find the good in whatever was going on, but it was getting harder and harder, and finally he began to think, hell maybe they would be, maybe he should just finish himself off.
And for some reason that idea made him happy.
He figures that must count for something and comes to the decision that it would be for the best. So he slowly but steadily begins to plan out what needs to be done, he draws up a rough copy of a will, that he will fine tune in the coming weeks. He thinks he should leave his friends some things. He knows he should feel guiltier about doing this, but he honestly does think that it will be for the best if he does just go ahead and get out of everyone’s way. He just seems to make things worse anyhow.
He plans it out, at first he thought that slicing his wrists would be the way to go, but to much could go wrong with that, it would take to long to bleed out. Hanging was out of the question, again, to much to go wrong, the noose could snap. He finally settles on overdosing, quick, relatively painless, and harder to stop. At least that’s what he’s heard. He kind of thinks that one might be less traumatizing for his dad too, like he could maybe pretend he did it by accident instead of on purpose.
He gives himself three weeks to make all his final arrangements, and because knowing he’s set himself a timeline, he’s able to be more upbeat. His friends seem to relax a little bit more around him, and assume whatever he was dealing with he had dealt with successfully. Which was in some way true, but they just didn‘t know he‘d picked the worst possible course. Not only does he feel better with this new idea in his head, but things seem to be a little better for him at school too.
The jocks back off, he isn’t sure but he thinks Finn might have had something to do with that. He had gotten into the slightly disturbing trend of treating Kurt very much like his little brother, and it weirded him out…like a lot. But the jocks backed off, and Mr. Schuester seemed to realize that maybe punishing them wasn’t the way to try and get their loyalty, so he began to give both Mercedes and himself duets and solos. Which he sang with renewed vigor. He was putting his heart into everything he was asked to sing, because really his heart has to go somewhere.
He spends a lot of time with Mercedes, Artie, and Tina because he thinks of them all, they’ll take this the hardest. The three would band together once he was gone, but he wanted to spend time with them while he could, because he’d miss them. Hell he’d even miss Rachel in some weird twisted kind of way. Still, he knew he couldn’t, wouldn’t, change his mind. Him dying would be best for all involved. He was holding people back.
So as time passes, he slowly begins to give some of his things away, he always has a pretty good excuse as to why, he was getting a new one, or he knew they would get more use out of it, and his friends while surprised, normally accepted them gratefully. He made sure not to give away anything he knew would raise suspicion; he didn’t want anyone to try and talk him out of what he was doing. He made sure to let everyone know how much he loved them, how he appreciated their friendship, no matter how short a time it might have been. Again, he’s not conspicuous, only when the timing and mood is rightfully set for it, but he’s beginning to think Artie might be cluing in. He’s proven right a few days later.
“You’d tell us if you were thinking about doing something incredibly stupid right?” Artie asks one day while he and Kurt are sitting in study hall.
“Excuse me?”
“I mean, we’re your friends, you’d come to us if something bad was happening or if you were thinking about doing something we’d have to kill you for, wouldn’t you?”
“Of course I would.” Kurt tells him, and he really doesn’t feel like he’s doing something stupid. He’s doing something that needs to be done that’s all. It might sting at first, but the others would understand, he was sure of it.
“Just so we’re clear,” Artie began and Kurt turned to look at him again. “If you do something stupid, I might have to kill you.”
“Noted.” Kurt assured him, and really if Kurt had been planning something stupid he would have sought out his friends. But he wasn’t. This needed to be done, for his father’s happiness. For everyone’s happiness. He understood that now.
When his three weeks were up, it was a Tuesday, which for some reason actually seemed fitting. He knew his father was going to a game with Finn, so he wouldn’t be home until later. So Kurt took his time, he put all the final touches on his own little will, before writing out a letter to his dad. Really, his dad would be fine. He had Carole; he had Finn, a family. The family he deserved. So it’s kept short, but it’s heartfelt, and if Kurt cried a little, well, no one was there to know.
After thinking a few moments, he writes letters, to Mercedes, Artie, and Tina, because really he thinks they deserve to know what happened. He even writes a letter to Carole, apologizing for not getting to know her better, and that he’s sorry if she took offense to his not eating her shrimp pasta. He tells her that she and his dad will be able to live happily without him and his extra baggage hanging over their heads. He lets her know that he is sorry that he isn’t going to get to know her better though.
When he’s finished with his letters, he heads into his bathroom, sets the letters down beside him, and pulls out three full bottles they had all been filled recently. He slowly empties each out and swallows them by the handful, until he feels like the ground is rolling under his feet and the edges of his vision are starting to darken. He downs the contents of two and a half bottles before darkness claims him and he falls to the floor, sprawled out awkwardly in the space.
When Burt came home a few hours later the first thing he thought when he stumbled upon his son was that he had fallen and hit his head. Then he saw the empty bottles, and scattered pills, and his blood ran cold. He staggered, falling to his knees he more or less slid the rest of the way to his son, trembling fingers pressing against his throat for a pulse, any sign of life.
He was so pale.
Burt pressed harder, because damn it, he was not going to lose his son! And it was there, soft, thready, barely even there, but a pulse none the less, and he’s on the phone before he even thinks about it, practically screaming for help. His fingers grab the letters by his son and he tightens his grip around them, telling himself he’ll read it later. He vaguely hears the instructions he’s being given, and he’s answering questions with such uncertainty that he isn’t sure what to do. Once the ambulance finally gets there after minutes of Burt pleading and begging for Kurt to just hold on, he’s watching numbly as their loading him up and then he’s being told he can’t come with them, because they need room to work. That’s his son, his little boy and he’s going to fight it, but then Kurt makes a spastic movement, and machines start wailing and the doors are slammed in his face.
He watches face pale as the ambulance screeches off, sirens wailing. He takes a deep breath, and clenches trembling fingers around the crinkled sheets of paper he’s still clutching. He isn’t sure he can actually drive. He calls Carole, because that seems like the smartest thing for him to do, he wouldn’t be any use to Kurt if he got himself killed on the way. The entire time he waits for Carole to pick up the phone he wonders what exactly went so wrong.
********************
Carole is doing laundry while Finn finished his homework at the table when the phone rings. She picks it up on the third ring, a smile flittering across her face when she sees Burt’s name on the caller ID. She barely even says hello, before a flood of words greets her, and it takes her a few moments to decipher what he’s said, but when she does the color drains out of her face and she collapses into a seat.
“Oh my god, yes I’ll be right there!” She quickly gathers her purse and keys, and doesn’t really care that she’s not dressed to go out, and it isn’t until Finn literally steps into her path does she stop moving.
“Mom, what’s going on?”
“I have to go get Burt; they just took Kurt to the hospital.” Finn just stuffs his feet into a pair of shoes and follows.
When they reach him, Burt is pacing his driveway like a wild animal, and Finn quickly gets out and hops into the backseat.
“What happened?” Carole asks gently and Burt seems to deflate, his head in his hands.
“I thought he had fallen.” He says so softly Finn has to lean forward to hear him. “Fallen and smacked his head, but then I saw the bottles.” And Finn might not be the smartest person around, but he understood that implication.
“No way.” he gasped and his mother shot him a warning look in the mirror. He ignores it. “Kurt is like the strongest person I know, that doesn’t make any sense!”
“There were letters.” And then Finn shuts up, because letters where normally the universal sign for people knew what they were doing. Finn lets out a soft whimper, before folding in on himself, because it still doesn’t make sense. What happened to cause this? Kurt survived so much, and this was how he was choosing to go out? No, that didn’t make sense.
Once they reach the hospital, his mom pauses long enough for Burt to throw himself out of the car, before going to park. Finn had wanted to go with him, but he caught the look his mother gave him and wisely stayed seated. He was still trying to wrap him mind around it when they catch up with Burt, who’s sitting in one of the chairs with his head in his hands.
“Burt?” She asked gently.
“They’re still working on him…they’re going to pump his stomach, but he’s not breathing on his own.”
“But, he’s gonna be ok right?” Finn asked, and when Burt glanced up he could see how close to loosing it the other man was.
“Kurt took nearly three bottles of pain killers, overdosing on even one could be fatal.”
And then silence reigns. Finn feels like a failure, like he should have seen this somehow. He was suppose to be Kurt’s friend, how did he not see how bad this was? He’s drawn out of his thoughts by the sound of crinkling paper, and Burt releases his fist, and reveals the paper inside. After a moment he flips through them, before cautiously handing one to Carole, opening one himself and setting three aside. For some reason the fact there’s no letter for him stings. A lot more than he thought it would.
He tries to feel lucky about that when his mother starts crying and Burt makes a noise like he’s just been gutted. Whatever was in those letters, they were bad. He watches his mom reach over and grip Burt’s hand and Finn shifts in his seat, he wants to know what’s going on, but knows now is not the time to ask. It isn’t until a doctor finally comes out, nearly an hour later and asks for Burt that he asks his mother.
“What happened?” His mother turns teary eyes on him and allows him to read her letter. He wishes he hadn’t. Part of him wants to blame Kurt, to rage at him for being so stupid. A bigger part of him wants to bash his head against the wall, because really it was kind of obvious now. Kurt had repeatedly been shucked to the side. He couldn’t remember the last time anyone asked Kurt what he wanted to do, or what me might want for dinner. Kurt had only wanted a place in their little unit, and it felt like he was being denied a place at every turn.
Thinking back on it he could see how he could feel that way.
The worst part was that even by his hand writing Finn could tell Kurt honestly, well and truly thought this was the best for everyone. He wasn’t doing this to try and get away from his own pain; he was doing it because he thought people would be happier without him. He doesn’t realize he’s crying until his mother’s wrapping her arms around him and making these hitching noises, and he knows she’s crying too.
Finn isn’t sure how he’ll do it but if, no when, Kurt comes to; he’s going to fix it.
********************
It takes Burt an entire day before they can convince him to go home and change. He hadn’t been willing to leave his son’s side, and whatever his particular letter said and put a look on his face that Finn wasn’t sure he’d ever seen someone sport before. It was so anguished. Burt wasn’t really talking much, and when he did it was just fevered apologizes to Kurt, peppered in with some pleading for him to just wake up. He returns the next day, and he only leaves when Finn asks to see him, or if a nurse or doctor tells him he needs to. Otherwise he keeps up his apologizes.
His mother isn’t taking this much better. She cries a lot, and often murmurs how they should have done better by him. Finn flinches but knows that it’s true. She tells him he can go home, that he doesn’t have to stay here, but he does. He can’t, and he won’t, leave Kurt like this. He feels responsible for this too, and part of him hates being in the room with Kurt, because he doesn’t look like Kurt. He looks like a body. But he forces himself to sit there because he owes Kurt that.
All Finn really wants if for Kurt to wake up so he can talk to him. Because he can’t make things any better if Kurt remains as he is. As it is, there’s a tube shoved down his throat because he’s having a hard time breathing or something, and Finn wonders just how much of Kurt is actually left. He wisely keeps this to himself, but Burt looks like he might fall apart any second, and his mother looks like she might keel over if he mentions it. So he keeps it to himself and just watches, hoping that Kurt will eventually wake up and they can get back on the right path, make sure Kurt knew where he belonged.
********************
It’s Thursday when Carole thinks that she should probably call the school. Neither Kurt nor Finn has been there since Tuesday, and she’s sure people are wondering what’s going on. She speaks to the principal first, and gives him the bare bone details, simply that Kurt has been hospitalized and she and her son where staying at the hospital with his father. She tells the glee teacher a little more. Finn is the one who asks her to call him, and to tell him what’s going on, so she does. She tells him what happened, and when he speaks again, it’s in detached horror and shock. When he asks if he should tell the others, Finn shakes his head.
He thinks he should be the one to do it, he owes Kurt that much.
So on Friday his mother brings him by the school and he stops by while the club is halfway through its performance. Rachel sees him first and stops the song to call out to him, and he smiles weakly. Mr. Schue nods and has them cut the music before he lets Finn have the floor. Finn has no idea what to say, he hasn’t really thought that far in advance yet, so he just decides to tell them.
“Um, so I’m sure you guys have noticed Kurt and I haven’t been in school.” He begins and there’s a splattering of nods. “Kurt, was uh, hospitalized on Tuesday, so we’ve been there.” People are asking questions, talking over one another in an attempt to be heard. He finally holds up a hand and it quiets down.
“What happened Finn?” Mercedes finally demands and he shuts his eyes for a moment.
“This is really hard guys, so please just let me get through it. There’s no easy way to sugar coat this, so I should probably just say it. When his dad got home on Tuesday night he found Kurt passed out in the bathroom, he hadn’t hit his head though, and there were empty medicine bottles around him.” He gets out in a rush, and he waits until that news sinks in. It’s silent and still for all of twenty seconds and then all hell breaks loose.
Mercedes starts crying, big heaving sobs, and Tina instantly moves to hug her, tears trickling down her own cheeks. Artie looks pale and strangely angry, he’s muttering something, but Finn’s attention is diverted when Brittany lets out a keening wail and buckles over her legs. Nothing fake about it either, she really did like Kurt, and this was upsetting. Santana and Quinn tend to her, though they both look distressed at the news, Quinn is even crying a little.
Mike and Matt are looking at each other, having some sort of silent conversation with their eyes, but they both look horrified and shocked. Puck’s reaction has him confused, because he figured he wouldn’t care. But he looks like he might be sick, and there’s genuine concern in his eyes. He clears his throat a little and the others look back to him.
“He’s in a coma, the doctors aren’t sure if he’s going to wake up, but his dad and my mom thought you guys should know.” He fishes around for the three letters and hands them over; Artie accepts all three since Mercedes and Tina don’t seem to be in any position to do so. Artie opens his letter rather aggressively, but once he actually reads the contents, his own eyes well up and he tosses the remaining two letters in Tina’s lap and wheels himself from the room.
“Um, his dad said you guys could visit if you wanted to. That he might hear us if we talk to him. I just thought I should be the one to tell you guys. I’m so sorry.” And then he flees the room back to his mother and the car. He wants to get back to Kurt.
********************
When the glee club members do come by, Burt and his mother make themselves scarce.
Surprisingly, Mike is the first to visit.
Finn hadn’t even known they were friends, but Mike tells him that not only had Kurt totally pulled out ass out of the fire by tutoring him in Economics, they both had a love for dance that had created a bond for them, even if it was two completely different styles. Finn offers to leave, but Mike shrugs it off, it isn’t like he’s going to confess some sort of undying love for him or anything.
“Hey Kurt.” Mike starts simply, to the point. “So man, you’ve missed some pretty eventful things at school.” And Mike just fills him in on what’s been going on. Mike’s approach seems to be to talk to Kurt like he’s able to talk back, answering his own questions with “I know, right?” and really, seems to be handling it fairly well. He isn’t throwing accusations at Kurt or being weird around him, he’s just talking to him. It isn’t until Finn glances back up and half an hour has passed before Mike stands up. “Wish I could stay longer dude, but I’ve got practice, you know what I mean. Get better, cause things are pretty lame without you around.” He pats Kurt’s shoulder in a friendly manner, before offering Finn a smile.
“He’ll be ok, if anything Kurt’s a survivor, he might have had a momentary lapse of judgment, but he’s far too stubborn to give in now.” Mike offers a wave and he’s gone.
Tina and Artie come together.
Finn is trying to sleep, when they come, but neither seems to care that much that he’s there. He’s tempted to open his eyes when he hears Tina’s breathing hitch, but realizes it’s not his place to interrupt them.
“Kurt, you jackass.” Artie says, but there’s no actual heat in his voice. “You said you’d come to us if things got bad. I read your letter by the way, and I’m still going to kill you. In fact, if you die, I’ll bring you back just so I can kill you again for being an idiot.” Then he heaves out a sigh and there’s a rustling of movement.
“He must have been so sad.” Tina’s voice is somber, and there’s a hint of tears in it.
“He’s still a moron.” Artie replied, but again it lacked anger. “Maybe if I had pushed a little harder.”
“No, Artie, whatever happened to make Kurt think this was the best for everyone? I don’t think we could have stopped that. We might have slowed it down, but this may have happened either way.”
“If you don’t wake up, I’ll kill you.” Artie said, and really it would have been amusing if Artie hadn’t sounded so damn sadPlease, just wake up ok? I won’t kill you, I swear, I’ll just…smack you around a bit…ok?” and Finn can almost hear the weak attempt at a smile. “We can get past it. Everyone makes mistakes, and this is just some kind of really horrible mistake, so just wake up ok?” And once the two leave, Finn can’t help but think about how much this is hurting everyone.
Mercedes comes with Quinn of all people.
Finn doesn’t offer to leave, and neither of the girls even bother to acknowledge his existence. Instead Mercedes makes a beeline for Kurt, takes up the hand that’s not covered in tape and wires and brings it to her chest, tears flooding her eyes almost at once.
“I should be really mad at you.” She tells him. “After everything we’ve been through. Oh I always knew you held things back, for reasons only you knew, but I never thought you’d hold something like this back. God Kurt, how could you think that? We’re your friends, we love you, my life changed because I know you!” and her voice cracks as tears trickle down her cheeks. “I can’t be mad. Not knowing you were hurting so badly, that it got so bad you thought this would be better, I want to be mad, I want to hate you, but god help me, I can’t.” And she breaks down completely, quiet hitching sobs catching in her throat. He watches as Quinn puts a gentle hand on her back, before turning her attention to Kurt, using her free hand to brush a stray piece of hair away.
“We haven’t always gotten along.” Quinn says. “But you never turned your back on me, even after the whole baby daddy drama, you never treated me any differently. Do you remember after sectionals?” And Finn cocks his head slightly, because he didn’t know what she was talking about. “You found me crying in the ladies room and you just stayed there with me and let me cry. I really needed that you know. You didn’t let me push you away, but I let you didn’t I?” she said softly, wiping her eyes a little.
“Listen Kurt, you’ve always been my boy, and this isn’t going to change it ok?” Mercedes asks before gently laying his hand back down to his side. Mercedes barely acknowledges Finn, but Quinn gives him a brief nod before smoothing her hand down the side of Kurt’s face.
“You promised you’d help me pick out some clothes, remember Kurt? I’m holding you to that.” Quinn tells him, and then the girls leave the room. He isn’t sure if he should feel offended he didn’t even get a greeting, but then thinks he should probably spend less time camped out in Kurt’s room. Though he never follows through with that.
Puck is there when he leaves the bathroom after taking a shower.
He isn’t speaking to him, he isn’t touching him, he’s just staring at him like he’s never seen him before. Puck blinks twice before meeting Finn’s eyes and for once, Finn can’t just ignore him, because for the first time in a really long time, Puck looks lost. Like he doesn’t know what to do or what to say, and that this isn’t something he can just beat into submission.
“He’s like the strongest guy I know.” Puck says finally. “And if he could do this, then what the hell kind of hope do the rest of us have?” Finn doesn’t have an answer for him, and Puck just nods before giving Kurt’s shoulder an awkward, but surprisingly gentle pat and he flees the room. Finn can honestly say he’s surprised. He didn’t think Puck of all people would show up. He and Kurt never seemed to have much of a relationship, but then again he supposes that Glee has changed people.
Matt comes with Santana and Brittany.
He hovers near Finn, because hospitals freak him out and out of everyone he knows Kurt the least. So he stands with Finn and observes as Brittany starts crying and Santana starts fussing with blankets, more to keep her hands busy than anything else, Finn’s sure.
Brittany doesn’t speak; she just leans down and hugs Kurt gently before fleeing to Matt’s arms. Santana on the other hands remains by his bed, and for some reason Finn is a little anxious. It isn’t like Santana and Kurt have ever actually really spoken to each other, at least not more than a few words at a time, but she does seem genuinely upset.
“You’re too good for this.” She tells him. “Far too good, you remember that.” And then she accepts Brittany from Matt, and the trio leave, though Matt pauses briefly to murmur an awkward;
“Get better.”
Rachel is the last of the glee clubbers, and part of Finn is surprised she came at all.
“We don’t like each other.” Rachel says matter of factly, and Finn frowns behind the magazine he’s pretending to read. “But I never wanted something like this to happen to you.” She lets out a soft sigh and lets her hand rest over Kurt’s. “I worried about you, you know. I’d seen some of what my dad’s went through and I wondered if it happened to you too. I bet it did, I bet that’s why you kept everyone at arms length. Even Mercedes you’re closest friend. We aren’t friends.” And Finn’s frown deepens. “But I think we could be. We could be really great friends, we’re very a like you and me, that’s probably why we fight so much. But if you come back to us, I’m going to try. I hope you will too, ok?” She glanced at Finn then, and she kinda looks like she might cry.
“Um, thanks for coming.” He says, because he isn’t sure what else to say.
“Of course.” Then she’s gone, and Finn wonders if Kurt actually heard anything people had to say.
Mr. Schue arrives three days after Rachel.
Mike, Mercedes, Tina and Artie have all been back by to see him since then, but Finn is a little surprised to see him. The teacher shifts awkwardly in the doorway before approaching the bed. He pulls back just a little because Kurt suddenly looks so damn small, and fragile. Like if he breathed the wrong way he could shatter him, and something about that is just so wrong, and it makes his chest hurt.
“I’m sorry Kurt.” He says. “I’ve done a lot of things wrong with you, haven’t I?” He sighed, before rubbing a hand across his face. “I knew you missed the high F on purpose. I should have asked you, you wanted that part so badly, there had to be a reason you would blow it, I should have found out why you did that. Instead I just passed my judgment as I was right and you were shuffled to the chorus again. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for constantly shoving you into the back, and silencing you when you tried to voice your concerns. I have no good reasons for it either. But when you get better, things are going to change. I promise you that much.” He nods to Finn and leaves as quickly as he arrived.
The real shocker is that Sue Sylvester came by.
And Finn is not ashamed to admit, he hid in the bathroom during her visit. He might not have intended to, in the beginning, but he heard her voice, and did not want to risk going out there, but he could hear what she said.
“I expected better out of you.” And Finn frowns, because he can’t see what’s going on. She could be disconnecting things for all he knew! “But I suppose we all forget you’re still just a kid. You carry yourself to well, like an adult, and we forget. Yes, even I am only human. I put you on the cheerios for a reason, and it wasn’t just to screw with William Schuester, or try and destroy the glee club. You and Aretha, you’ve got talent. Talent that isn’t being utilized. It needs to be, and I thought I could help that along.” She’s quiet for a few moments before she heaves a heavy sigh. “I never did thank you for the makeover, you kids didn’t have to do that.” There’s a rustling that sounds like she stood up. “I’m not going to replace you unless you give me reason to.” She tells him and then it’s quiet, Finn thinks she left when the door is ripped out and he lets out a really embarrassing shriek.
“Bathrooms, are for wimps!” She shouts at him, before striding from the room. His heart doesn’t stop racing for a long time.
********************
Three days later, Kurt gives her a reason he replace him.
He dies, bite the dust, bought the farm, however you wanted to say it, Kurt Hummel, had in all spiritual senses, left the building. Finn still couldn’t quite believe it.
Kurt’s heart just stopped. The doctors said they were surprised he held on as long as he did, they had done everything they could, but Kurt was just gone. He had probably been gone since he crashed in the ambulance on the way here. Finn thought Kurt held on for just as long as he could. He wonders if he regrets it at all?
Burt didn’t cry. At least Finn never saw him cry, but his eyes were constantly red rimmed, and his face had gone gray, and Finn was a little worried Burt might just follow him. His mother cried, she had genuinely liked Kurt, and part of her felt responsible, he knew that because part of him felt responsible too. Burt had shut the basement door, and hadn’t been down there since Kurt died. When Finn does go down there it’s to find a particular suit that Burt thought would be best for the funeral.
Once he gets into Kurt’s room though, that’s just so Kurt, he flies into a blind rage though, and he breaks things, screams until his voice is raw, and eventually, he breaks down completely and sobs in a useless pile on the floor. Because of all people, he should not be trying to help plan Kurt’s funeral. Kurt was supposed to get out. He was supposed to do great things with his life. He wasn’t supposed to succumb to this.
He isn’t sure when his mother gets there, but he’s wrapped up in her arms, while he cries, because he lost a friend. A really good friend that had his back on more than one occasion, and he deserved better than what he got in return. Because Finn’s friendship was rather one sided wasn’t it? Kurt listened, and Kurt helped and Finn unloaded all his problems. Then he went and all but stole Kurt’s dad.
They hadn’t made it easy for him, no, Finn can see now all in hindsight that Kurt would have held on, adapted, if they had just thrown him a lifeline. He had been drowning, desperately trying to find something, anything, so he could fit with their perfect little group. Instead they shoved him away, like the dirty little secret, and he can only think that there’s enough blame to go around because they could have all responded differently.
The funeral is on a Sunday, and it’s to bright and sunny out.
Finn’s hallowed out, he can’t even cry he’s so tired, but he looks around at the people who have attended. The entire glee club is there, several cheerios who have gotten to know Kurt during his brief stint there, and a few members of the jazz band. Strangely, so is Sue Sylvester. It’s small, and part of Finn feels bad that more people aren’t here to mourn him. The service itself is short, to the point, and Finn spends more time watching the others than he does listening to the service. Burt Hummel is crying now, silently, but tears are on his face and he brushes them away quickly. His mother is crying, and she’s holding onto Burt like a lifeline, and maybe he is. Maybe they are all that’s keeping each other going right now.
Once the service actually ends and they move onto the wake. Finn quickly makes his escape and finds the rest of the glee club gathered on the porch. The girls are in tears, even Rachel. Artie looks like he very well might start any second now, and keeps muttering how he really thought Kurt would hang on, and how he really was going to kill him. Weirdly enough, Puck looks like he’s going to throw up. Violently.
Finn looks around at the devastation this caused and wondered what on earth made Kurt thought that this would be better? Anything would have been better than this.