....
and once again... I realize I've been lying to myself... I want it all to make sense... I know what is "better" for me and all that... but it still doesn't change the way that I feel.... I'm starting to think that I am doomed to be like this for the rest of my life... this always happens when I think things are going great... it's a curse or something... whatever, I'll figure how to deal with it... I always manage to... sometimes not in the "best" of ways... but I do it somehow...