Walls
Alright... so I have to get to bed but, I need to write for a minute.
Jay and I had a bit of a fight last night. I wanted to know that he wanted to be with me and would commit to that through school. He refuses to promise to something he isn't sure that he can do. Which, is commendable. So I accept what he can give me, that he doesn't want to loose me and wants to try. All good except it was a very long drawn out issue when, honestly, it didn't need to be. Most of that is probably my fault.
Since all of that stuff has happened I have noticed today that my walls are back up. I am afraid of get close to him, to feel that love I have for him. I don't want to get hurt again and crushed by this sort of a blow. The realization that it is possible for him to leave me while he's gone... it scares me. I get to these points where I really let him in. I mean, I really tell him how I feel... then something bad happens. So, today he's outside my walls. I don't really know how to fix it, except take them down brick by brick. I thought last night about how many times I prayed that God would take away these feelings while he was dating Liz. So I am left wondering why didn't he? It's either a good lesson in all this or we really are meant to be together. I could feel myself today, upset and therefore not finding him funny. I would get annoyed with things I normally thought were cute or funny. I don't want to have the excuse, oh its just the 6 month infatuation period is over...
Ok I can't put a coherent thought together...
Goodnight
Jay and I had a bit of a fight last night. I wanted to know that he wanted to be with me and would commit to that through school. He refuses to promise to something he isn't sure that he can do. Which, is commendable. So I accept what he can give me, that he doesn't want to loose me and wants to try. All good except it was a very long drawn out issue when, honestly, it didn't need to be. Most of that is probably my fault.
Since all of that stuff has happened I have noticed today that my walls are back up. I am afraid of get close to him, to feel that love I have for him. I don't want to get hurt again and crushed by this sort of a blow. The realization that it is possible for him to leave me while he's gone... it scares me. I get to these points where I really let him in. I mean, I really tell him how I feel... then something bad happens. So, today he's outside my walls. I don't really know how to fix it, except take them down brick by brick. I thought last night about how many times I prayed that God would take away these feelings while he was dating Liz. So I am left wondering why didn't he? It's either a good lesson in all this or we really are meant to be together. I could feel myself today, upset and therefore not finding him funny. I would get annoyed with things I normally thought were cute or funny. I don't want to have the excuse, oh its just the 6 month infatuation period is over...
Ok I can't put a coherent thought together...
Goodnight