Relationships...
Ok so I have not used this thing in YEARS but, I feel like it might be really good for me. I tend to be able to express what I'm feeling, dealing with, better through writing. So rather than keeping a hundred journal entries on my computer I'll put it into the abyss of internet space. :)
So here I am starting my journal again... I have come along way since I've written in here before. I live in Virginia now and am the drama leader at All Nations COG.I work full time at the daycare in the church, Precious Promise Academy. I have an amazing boy friend that I love more than, I don't know what. It's hard for me to process sometimes. I will start school again this fall, starting with General ed classes and then entering a counseling program to get my bachelor and masters degrees in 4.5 years.
I live with an amazing couple that I am learning how a loving marriage work through them.
Right now I am getting to the point where I know that I really need to work on my relationship with God. I know that I love him and I serve him. I want to do what I am supposed to do with my life, what He wants me to do with my life. Sometimes I get so lost and confused, so distracted. It is practically impossible to keep God first in everything. I have to get stuff done for work, for school, for church, keep my relationships going... God is the one intangible thing making it so much harder to know if you are doing right by him or not.
With my boyfriend, Jay, I have found myself more focused on him then God. He is here I can touch him, get an instant response, get a verbal answer. I think that I have fallen pray to taking God's promise for granted. He says he will 'never leave me nor forsake me'. He says that 'Nothing can take me out of His hands.'So it's then easy to set that aside. Jay may actually leave me, God wont. As a women I want to focus on my relationship with him as to not loose it, to do anything to keep it. He means so much to me and I don't know what I would do with out him. I has a dream a while back that he died, I woke up balling. I cried half the day even at work I just couldn't get rid of that awful feeling. That heart wrenching feeling... He even told me last night that if our relationship is hindering my relationship with God than we need to fix it. Weather that means working on it or breaking up. I just... I don't want that. So, what do I do? I have this mind set knowing that focusing on him isn't going to fix it, me getting right with God is. So I have this thought, I have to focus on God to help my relationship with Jay. It almost feels like a catch twenty-two... because if I focus on God to make my relationship with Jay good I'm not REALLY wanting my relationship with God, it has false motives. Also, I know that God wont bless that. He will harden my heart to Him, make me blind to Him, and deaf to his voice.
There is a lie in my head from the pit of hell. I have recognized this recently. It is that, if Jay and I get married then things will be better. That sinful things wouldn't be sin anymore, therefore my relationship with God will suddenly, magically, be all better. I know that is a lie! Everything else will take precedence even more. Then you have a MARRIAGE to work on, more bills to pay, a house to take care of, not to mention having kids one day. All of those things will take over if I don't have a right relationship with God now.
No matter how much I want to be with Jay right now... If I were to loose God it would be a million times worse. If I could feel him no more, if I didn't have a relationship with him that really would be horrible, it would kill me. I need to get to the point where if Jay isn't for me that I would be willing to give him up, to let him go. I don't want to but I need to get there, right now I'm not.
One thing I am afraid of is that when he goes to Colorado that he will get really close to God and decide that I am no longer the type of women that he wants. That I'm no longer Godly enough for him. If I stay where I'm at and he grows in God (Which I know He will) I will be left alone. I know that is a terrible thought but, I'm just being honest here. I don't know whats going to happen while he's gone for a year. I was confident about it until last night...
You know that terrible, horrible sad thing is? Sunday night we where hanging out, just laying on the floor together. Not really talking but just enjoying each others company, he was half asleep. I felt this... thing inside of me. This overwhelming love. And then fear, I thought 'Jay, you scare me'. I finally told him that. He asked why and I explained... I know it's cliche but, I've never felt this way for someone before. A for real, I could spend my life with this person. (maybe I didn't tell him that part) But, that I expect something bad to happen and it scares me... so then guess what?!? Something bad did happen. Every time I let down my guard express to him that I love him in some other way... something Horrible happens. Then I'm left feeling this sense of, I told you so. This hatred in myself, for myself. What I expected did happen, he talked about 'maybe we need to re think this' type stuff. We go from, if we stay together while he is in school, we'll probably get engaged to, maybe this is a bad idea... I just can't handle it. He said, well we'll just see how it goes. We'll try to fix it, as if breaking up is the last resort. I don't really want it to be an option honestly. :
I'm just going to have to focus on God for me, not for Jay. It really is what I need. I mean, I love God and I have a relationship with Him it's just not as close as it could be. It's hard to balance both. I've let it kinda slip by and I need to get back there, back to the point of God being my everything, putting him first.
I love you father I really do, I read and I get a lot out of it. I love it! I guess it just needs to be on a more regular basis. ok ok, I'm done writing for now.
So here I am starting my journal again... I have come along way since I've written in here before. I live in Virginia now and am the drama leader at All Nations COG.I work full time at the daycare in the church, Precious Promise Academy. I have an amazing boy friend that I love more than, I don't know what. It's hard for me to process sometimes. I will start school again this fall, starting with General ed classes and then entering a counseling program to get my bachelor and masters degrees in 4.5 years.
I live with an amazing couple that I am learning how a loving marriage work through them.
Right now I am getting to the point where I know that I really need to work on my relationship with God. I know that I love him and I serve him. I want to do what I am supposed to do with my life, what He wants me to do with my life. Sometimes I get so lost and confused, so distracted. It is practically impossible to keep God first in everything. I have to get stuff done for work, for school, for church, keep my relationships going... God is the one intangible thing making it so much harder to know if you are doing right by him or not.
With my boyfriend, Jay, I have found myself more focused on him then God. He is here I can touch him, get an instant response, get a verbal answer. I think that I have fallen pray to taking God's promise for granted. He says he will 'never leave me nor forsake me'. He says that 'Nothing can take me out of His hands.'So it's then easy to set that aside. Jay may actually leave me, God wont. As a women I want to focus on my relationship with him as to not loose it, to do anything to keep it. He means so much to me and I don't know what I would do with out him. I has a dream a while back that he died, I woke up balling. I cried half the day even at work I just couldn't get rid of that awful feeling. That heart wrenching feeling... He even told me last night that if our relationship is hindering my relationship with God than we need to fix it. Weather that means working on it or breaking up. I just... I don't want that. So, what do I do? I have this mind set knowing that focusing on him isn't going to fix it, me getting right with God is. So I have this thought, I have to focus on God to help my relationship with Jay. It almost feels like a catch twenty-two... because if I focus on God to make my relationship with Jay good I'm not REALLY wanting my relationship with God, it has false motives. Also, I know that God wont bless that. He will harden my heart to Him, make me blind to Him, and deaf to his voice.
There is a lie in my head from the pit of hell. I have recognized this recently. It is that, if Jay and I get married then things will be better. That sinful things wouldn't be sin anymore, therefore my relationship with God will suddenly, magically, be all better. I know that is a lie! Everything else will take precedence even more. Then you have a MARRIAGE to work on, more bills to pay, a house to take care of, not to mention having kids one day. All of those things will take over if I don't have a right relationship with God now.
No matter how much I want to be with Jay right now... If I were to loose God it would be a million times worse. If I could feel him no more, if I didn't have a relationship with him that really would be horrible, it would kill me. I need to get to the point where if Jay isn't for me that I would be willing to give him up, to let him go. I don't want to but I need to get there, right now I'm not.
One thing I am afraid of is that when he goes to Colorado that he will get really close to God and decide that I am no longer the type of women that he wants. That I'm no longer Godly enough for him. If I stay where I'm at and he grows in God (Which I know He will) I will be left alone. I know that is a terrible thought but, I'm just being honest here. I don't know whats going to happen while he's gone for a year. I was confident about it until last night...
You know that terrible, horrible sad thing is? Sunday night we where hanging out, just laying on the floor together. Not really talking but just enjoying each others company, he was half asleep. I felt this... thing inside of me. This overwhelming love. And then fear, I thought 'Jay, you scare me'. I finally told him that. He asked why and I explained... I know it's cliche but, I've never felt this way for someone before. A for real, I could spend my life with this person. (maybe I didn't tell him that part) But, that I expect something bad to happen and it scares me... so then guess what?!? Something bad did happen. Every time I let down my guard express to him that I love him in some other way... something Horrible happens. Then I'm left feeling this sense of, I told you so. This hatred in myself, for myself. What I expected did happen, he talked about 'maybe we need to re think this' type stuff. We go from, if we stay together while he is in school, we'll probably get engaged to, maybe this is a bad idea... I just can't handle it. He said, well we'll just see how it goes. We'll try to fix it, as if breaking up is the last resort. I don't really want it to be an option honestly. :
I'm just going to have to focus on God for me, not for Jay. It really is what I need. I mean, I love God and I have a relationship with Him it's just not as close as it could be. It's hard to balance both. I've let it kinda slip by and I need to get back there, back to the point of God being my everything, putting him first.
I love you father I really do, I read and I get a lot out of it. I love it! I guess it just needs to be on a more regular basis. ok ok, I'm done writing for now.