(no subject)
the only thing ive ever wanted is slipping away from me. the only person that ever made me look forward to get up and living doesn't feel the same way (i dont think). the only person that ever really mattered is gone, and i will NEVER find anyone thats even close to what she was. i wish she knew how much i couldn't live without her. how much i still cant live without her. i wish i was a better person or better looking or whatever i had to be to make her want me as much as i want her. i feel like i am screaming and no sound is coming out. i try to feel my insides but i dont think they are there anymore. i could list more things that i loved about her then i could ever count. i wish she knew that. i miss everything about her. i could go on for hours; the way her eyes caught the sunlight and shined it back to me like the brightest beckon on the darkest ocean that made my whole world light up. the way she looked in the morning, when her mascara was running down past her eyes and her hair was all frizzed up on one side. and how every time she smiled at me, id feel my hart melt into my stomach. or the way she would look when she was sleeping, so beautiful, with her eyes closed peacefully. i miss watching movies and watching her do her makeup and straiten her hair. and taking walks to the park and then going to the store to get candy, or watching the stars and getting lost in the night sky together. my world has become one big nightmare. when i dream, im always with her and shes happy, but when i wake up we are not together. its always short lived too because i can never get much sleep. its crazy. ive never let myself get so close to someone before but with her i couldn't help it. the more i was with her, the more i couldn't get enough of her. ill never find that in anyone else. i know that if we dont work out, im gonna be alone forever. and it doesn't look to good right now so it looks like im just gonna be a loner for the rest of my life. i wish she knew all of this but i know she is probably never gonna read this. that and im not sure that she wants to hear it. ive tried to tell her but i cant ever make it sound the way im really trying to say it. i dont think she ever knew how much she meant to me. and what kills me most of all is i dont think she ever will...