and she brought him forth in blood and pain and love
Dramatic, I know. But I am feeling the drama. I also feel that this is a pretty good description of labor and being a woman in general.
I got pregnant. I knew a few happy days laced with anxiety as I was spotting every day - everyone kept telling me it was normal I KNEW it wasnt.
Last sunday I started to bleed and cramp more. Monday official bleeding and contractions, then it slowed down, wed I ended up in the ER, with severe pain and bleeding (like a heavy period)
An ultrasound reveled a 3mm sack, unable to tell if it was a blighted ovum or just way earlier than we thought.
bloodwork reveled an hCG of only 800 - which increased only to 898 2 days later. Yup I am having a miscarriage.
I am pretty damn crushed about it.
here are the things that are bothering me.
1. It is happening and my happy dreams are crushed
2. I am in PAIN
3. I am bleeding
4. I am TIRED
5. My ass has been whipped for the last 2 weeks
6. My boobs hurt
7. I still have morning sickness
8. I still FEEL pregnant even when I am not
9. Matt is resenting having to care for the horses/the house/me/everything - I really am just not up to it - see above
10. That Matt thinks there never was a baby. there WAS even if it was only for a short time.
11 I feel he blames me
12. He keeps talking about my "fucked up genetics" - I have some issues, but I am no Igor or something. My issues arent quite "genetic" I find this hurtful to the max.
13. There is no bit of the baby for me to bury or have some sort of memorial to it
14. I feel that my husband is just ANGRY at me, and not being supportive
15. I really feel alone. Today I am quite tearful.
16. I really just want to be pampered and fussed over by my husband, I mean it is only a few weeks right? cant he man up?
17. I REALLY resent that on wed when I called him crying, terrified and in PAIN and begging him to come home that he couldnt.
18. I resent his actions/behavior in the ER. He was more concerned about $$ than my pain/comfort/emotional well being
19. I resent how he had to go back to school and take care of those fucking fish rather than take me home and take care of me. I mean I am his FUCKING WIFE. right?
I mean I just feel he should have just about dropped everything when I called him on wed, and rushed home to be with me. I feel he should have been volunteering to do the horses/extra house work etc BECAUSE HE CARES ABOUT ME. I would do the same for him.
this is just one more way I know that he cares only for himself.
Why does everything have to suck so much?
I AM grateful for some really really awesome friends that I have. They have called me, checked up on me, picked me up taken me home, given me cups of tea and even made me a cupcake hat (how can you be sad when there is a cupcake on your head)
I got pregnant. I knew a few happy days laced with anxiety as I was spotting every day - everyone kept telling me it was normal I KNEW it wasnt.
Last sunday I started to bleed and cramp more. Monday official bleeding and contractions, then it slowed down, wed I ended up in the ER, with severe pain and bleeding (like a heavy period)
An ultrasound reveled a 3mm sack, unable to tell if it was a blighted ovum or just way earlier than we thought.
bloodwork reveled an hCG of only 800 - which increased only to 898 2 days later. Yup I am having a miscarriage.
I am pretty damn crushed about it.
here are the things that are bothering me.
1. It is happening and my happy dreams are crushed
2. I am in PAIN
3. I am bleeding
4. I am TIRED
5. My ass has been whipped for the last 2 weeks
6. My boobs hurt
7. I still have morning sickness
8. I still FEEL pregnant even when I am not
9. Matt is resenting having to care for the horses/the house/me/everything - I really am just not up to it - see above
10. That Matt thinks there never was a baby. there WAS even if it was only for a short time.
11 I feel he blames me
12. He keeps talking about my "fucked up genetics" - I have some issues, but I am no Igor or something. My issues arent quite "genetic" I find this hurtful to the max.
13. There is no bit of the baby for me to bury or have some sort of memorial to it
14. I feel that my husband is just ANGRY at me, and not being supportive
15. I really feel alone. Today I am quite tearful.
16. I really just want to be pampered and fussed over by my husband, I mean it is only a few weeks right? cant he man up?
17. I REALLY resent that on wed when I called him crying, terrified and in PAIN and begging him to come home that he couldnt.
18. I resent his actions/behavior in the ER. He was more concerned about $$ than my pain/comfort/emotional well being
19. I resent how he had to go back to school and take care of those fucking fish rather than take me home and take care of me. I mean I am his FUCKING WIFE. right?
I mean I just feel he should have just about dropped everything when I called him on wed, and rushed home to be with me. I feel he should have been volunteering to do the horses/extra house work etc BECAUSE HE CARES ABOUT ME. I would do the same for him.
this is just one more way I know that he cares only for himself.
Why does everything have to suck so much?
I AM grateful for some really really awesome friends that I have. They have called me, checked up on me, picked me up taken me home, given me cups of tea and even made me a cupcake hat (how can you be sad when there is a cupcake on your head)