(no subject)
i am so frustrated on so many levels... my parents are pissing me off and think its a cute little game to play with me, seeing how much pressure it takes for me to break... well im sick and tired of it, its wrong to try to use pity as a trap, excuse and snare into keeping me involved in their lives simply because they are being selfish by wanting me home, not because they miss me so much, but because theyre hoping that i will take care of chloe, clean the house, donate money for food, and do all the other shit that ive been doing for far too long. no more. im actually considering telling them that i will come home christmas weekend and come back over this way... i cannot and will not put myself in jeopardy for people that are constantly fucking me over... i lost 10grand to them when i said i would help out and let them have my checks, thinking that it would last only a few months at most... what happened? they bought fast food, all kinds of luxiuries that they couldnt really afford, but figured that i made enough to make up for it... i never thought that a year later they would be racing to get my checks before i was even out of school yet. and while my ass was paying for their children, to feed the mouths of my own siblings, they went and had another kid. enoughs enough. i got pissed off when i found out they were pregnant. there goes 10 grand at least... when i started counting... then what happens the first time we fight when im unemployed? they juvy my ass. bastards. last school year, the few dollars i had saved from sonic, i paid them so they could make payments on my school fees. they paid about a third of the amount, and never made the remaining payments... i almost didnt graduate because they never paid the remaining 45 dollars... then i went back to sonic, as much as i hated it, and then had to fork over my 800 dollars for down payment money... and recently, im fucked over 9 grand because they cant take the time to fill out a couple pieces of paper... i cant trust them! i dont want to even trust them to bring my things home, ill never be able to get them out again... so heres my idea: i'm hoping to split my things among my few trustworthy friends to hold onto for me, and live with danni for a while until i can get my own place... then ill be able to retrieve my things, and get on with my life... my parents are trying to hint that if i stay with them instead of danni for the next couple months or so, that theyll be able to get me a car... but im not trusting them. obviously ive paid over $20,000 in the last couple years to/because of them and im never going to get anywhere with the way that theyre holding me back constantly... i hate to betray my family and starve my own blood, but theyre holding me back greatly. today i was telling mom about how im getting a job interview set up and she was mad at me! she was mad that i "was all over the place" not knowing what the hell i was doing, and frustrating her. well, after thinking so much today, i think i only want to spend christmas weekend with them and then come back up here, i think thats the only way that i wont get caught up in the endless cycle they seem so clever at catching me into. i am not going to work and pay them money. since ive been on my own, ive seen them as they truly are. they about forced josh into internet school so they would have someone to take care of chloe so they wouldnt have to do it. theyre making ryan give up half of his cash so they can have chinese money. its sickening. where was the family i once knew? were they always this selfish? so many conflicting theories in my head, im so confused... and thats just my parents, thats not even going into my education, my friends, my love life, my financial well-being, my emotional state of distress... i think i need to go on a bike ride tomorrow... maybe i will, i dont know...