no puedo dormir
none of this is your fault. i am sorry if i make it out to be as such. i know that you were struggling with your happiness even when you were with me. it is a condition that both you and i dealt with when together. happiness can be so difficult to obtain in this world. i was so convinced after having had the time to think about it that i had finally realized that my own personal happiness did not depend on geography. it depended on myself. what exsisted beneath anything material. last week when you took the phone from jessica so you could hear my voice, tell me how much you missed me, and pace the room grinning and blushing....i allowed myself to be optimistic for just a short while. not entirely, but enough so to where i thought there might have been a chance. i know i'm not a saint, and i've put you on one hell of a roller coaster these six months. so anything that you have said to throw me for a loop is simply kharma. but new york city? i would follow you to the ends of the world, just name an exotic country and i'm there with you. i can't do new york city. even though you wouldn't even ask me to.
i really wanted to believe that i had learned my lesson concerning you, and that we might have a chance at having an almost happily ever after. i guess though that it's a lot to ask from a twenty one and twenty three year old couple. i have said already before that you need to find what will make you happy. and you are of course entitled to search for that without sarah. i suppose i just never wanted to even consider to myself that it was even something you were capable of. i thought that you needed me. i know it's selfish, and it's just me making plans for my future without letting you in on it. it's a curse that i have found myself bound to. a lot of women tend to do it.
this all serves me right. i let you go. i fucked up. if it was really so important to me to keep someone so wonderful as you are in my life, i shoulda/woulda. my only battle now is convincing myself that this is all for the best. you have to find what makes you happy. i had hoped that i fit into that equation, but if i don't then there's nothing that i can do about it. i'm not going to say these things to your face to try and persuade you into staying here. everyone knows that wouldn't be right or fair, not to mention you would probably not fall for it.
the hardest part of this whole thing is that you don't even know if you're going or not. and you pulled the "we should make the best of the time we have card." maybe i'm the only sucker here. maybe i'm the only one in love. because for me, it is absolutely undoable that i can even conceivably try to "make the best" of two or so months with you knowing that after that it's goodbye forever. i am too much in love with you. you said new york was all or nothing for you, well you are all or nothing for me. i don't know whether to get over you, or to hold out in case you stay. the biggest stupidity of this entire emotion is that i have yet to see you face to face. i have yet to even think of holding you. and maybe (in some romantic fantasy of mine), just my face will convince you that happiness is not geography.
HAPPINESS IS NOT GEOGRAPHY. new york will not stop you playing video games. new york will not stop you staying at home all the time. new york will not fix your problems. i am really happy that you'd be with your sister and your cousin, striking out and trying something new. it's a great experience. i just feel like you are pursuing it all for the wrong reasons. but that is, once again, probably just me being selfish. probably it is just me not looking at the whole big picture.
it terrifies me that i went through so much fucking heart ache until i found someone who gets me the way that you do. it pisses me off that i let you go. and it breaks my heart that i have lost my ability to be all that you want and need in life.
i hope you find that place where you feel like you can smile a real smile. it one of the worst feelings for me to know that you are so sad.
i really wanted to believe that i had learned my lesson concerning you, and that we might have a chance at having an almost happily ever after. i guess though that it's a lot to ask from a twenty one and twenty three year old couple. i have said already before that you need to find what will make you happy. and you are of course entitled to search for that without sarah. i suppose i just never wanted to even consider to myself that it was even something you were capable of. i thought that you needed me. i know it's selfish, and it's just me making plans for my future without letting you in on it. it's a curse that i have found myself bound to. a lot of women tend to do it.
this all serves me right. i let you go. i fucked up. if it was really so important to me to keep someone so wonderful as you are in my life, i shoulda/woulda. my only battle now is convincing myself that this is all for the best. you have to find what makes you happy. i had hoped that i fit into that equation, but if i don't then there's nothing that i can do about it. i'm not going to say these things to your face to try and persuade you into staying here. everyone knows that wouldn't be right or fair, not to mention you would probably not fall for it.
the hardest part of this whole thing is that you don't even know if you're going or not. and you pulled the "we should make the best of the time we have card." maybe i'm the only sucker here. maybe i'm the only one in love. because for me, it is absolutely undoable that i can even conceivably try to "make the best" of two or so months with you knowing that after that it's goodbye forever. i am too much in love with you. you said new york was all or nothing for you, well you are all or nothing for me. i don't know whether to get over you, or to hold out in case you stay. the biggest stupidity of this entire emotion is that i have yet to see you face to face. i have yet to even think of holding you. and maybe (in some romantic fantasy of mine), just my face will convince you that happiness is not geography.
HAPPINESS IS NOT GEOGRAPHY. new york will not stop you playing video games. new york will not stop you staying at home all the time. new york will not fix your problems. i am really happy that you'd be with your sister and your cousin, striking out and trying something new. it's a great experience. i just feel like you are pursuing it all for the wrong reasons. but that is, once again, probably just me being selfish. probably it is just me not looking at the whole big picture.
it terrifies me that i went through so much fucking heart ache until i found someone who gets me the way that you do. it pisses me off that i let you go. and it breaks my heart that i have lost my ability to be all that you want and need in life.
i hope you find that place where you feel like you can smile a real smile. it one of the worst feelings for me to know that you are so sad.