My Dark Cycle
This month has been one of the roughest I have dealt with for a long time to a point I need to post on this LJ again. Funny I found an old post I was working on that I never posted mentioning this dark feeling nearly a year ago. In any case it is my birthday soon and I need to except and not rely on getting anything this year that will help me pay rent. Yes, birthday money to pay rent. With a roommate that has been short changing us for months and our inability to kick her out has nearly kicked us out of this house. It seems at this rate it will happen, and I'm finally putting my foot down and not letting her slide another month.
However, the stress of being unable to pay bills, cutting away every little fun thing I like to do out the window in order to save up cash, try to get the missus to do the same has been gut wrenching. What is worst for me is I really can't think of anyone to ask for help. I feel like I have alienated my family and become a complete failure to them. Graduating with two majors and for what? There is not jobs out there I can find and so I tried to work on my own but I don't get much of that time either. As time passes the software I use fails and I can't afford to get new versions.
I am slowly breaking down and loosing any good reason to even do anything. I work a job that barely supports myself and I can't even live alone, Can't visit my family who I miss seeing (even for all the crummy lectures they give me), I can't seem to find enjoyment in gaming anymore, I work, try to draw, try to animate, make masks or cosplay though I really don't have time or funding for it. I'm... just... no good anymore and for some reason I believe what has happen to me, where I am today, how I feel, and why things are not the way they should be is not my fault!
However, the stress of being unable to pay bills, cutting away every little fun thing I like to do out the window in order to save up cash, try to get the missus to do the same has been gut wrenching. What is worst for me is I really can't think of anyone to ask for help. I feel like I have alienated my family and become a complete failure to them. Graduating with two majors and for what? There is not jobs out there I can find and so I tried to work on my own but I don't get much of that time either. As time passes the software I use fails and I can't afford to get new versions.
I am slowly breaking down and loosing any good reason to even do anything. I work a job that barely supports myself and I can't even live alone, Can't visit my family who I miss seeing (even for all the crummy lectures they give me), I can't seem to find enjoyment in gaming anymore, I work, try to draw, try to animate, make masks or cosplay though I really don't have time or funding for it. I'm... just... no good anymore and for some reason I believe what has happen to me, where I am today, how I feel, and why things are not the way they should be is not my fault!