Rawr
Ah, the morning after effects. Last night right after I posted this, I almost instantaneously fell asleep lol Well then I proceeded to dream about Nathan, allll night. It was a fairly crazy/weird dream, which mine always are, so as far as my dreams go it was pretty normal. I dont remember the details, but I know we were going on a vacation of some sort together. I know his family was involved somehow and I met them. Thats like the 2nd or 3rd dream where I meet his mom...wonder what that means. I dunno. Funny thing was, when I woke up one of my first thoughts was about that last journal entry and suddenly feeling really guilty about it and nervous about posting it...then as I started to wake up more I eased up and figured, why? It'll be okay lol
Its true though that this is the only place where I have come out and said really how I feel.
People are always asking me why Nathan and I aren't together, and I always respond with, "aw come on, we're just friends" and "you seem to keep forgetting he has a girlfriend, and I like being Nathans friend" I'm always telling people that im perfectly fine with just being his friend. And that's not false information at all. I am okay with it, most days lol Some days are harder then others to accept that, but when you have a friendship as fulfilling as ours is...I get more out of our friendship, then I've gotten out of entire relationships with other guys...We just aren't sexually active. We hang out together, we talk about everything, we go out to eat, we go to movies, we plan trips together, we're comfortable and close enough to lay with each other..All the things that I ever want out of a relationship, I have with him. The sex really isnt That important to me as long as the right elements are there. Granted, adding more physical activity wouldnt be objected in the least, but I dont have the right to want that from him...that belongs to someone else...Maybe thats why I always tell people that I dont see him that way, one because I dont feel I have the right too, and two because maybe if I keep telling myself that, maybe it'll help me accept that what I really want will never happen...okay Nothing will ever make that Easy to accept, but I dont really have much of a choice. Well maybe one thing might make it less hard..and that would be if I really believed he was truly happy with Rachel. I mean maybe he is, but he has all these things in his life that he talks about with so much passion and excitement...EXCEPT his relationship..now granted they are in a tough situation, she lives hours away, she's extremely depressed and everyone involved with someone suffering depression, suffers it too. So its hard to gauge how he really feels about all of it..but I try not to push the issue..I just want him to be happy, and as long as I knew that he was, that would be good enough for me. I really just want for him whatever will bring him the greatest joy in life. Sigh. I'm rambling again..
Today is another saturday spent mostly at the good old PSP. My entire weekend actually, OH and Memorial Day. I like my job, but some days its just draining working all the time. I shouldnt complain though, thats life. But not only is it going to be a long weekend of work, but Rachael is in town so I wont get to talk to Nathan :( lol okay, so im only a tad pathetic. I get like..withdraws when we cant talk haha Well I better go get around for work. It feels kinda good being able to be open and honest with myself at least somewhere. We'll see how long this lasts lol. Probably until im discovered :o who knows.
More on this later.
Its true though that this is the only place where I have come out and said really how I feel.
People are always asking me why Nathan and I aren't together, and I always respond with, "aw come on, we're just friends" and "you seem to keep forgetting he has a girlfriend, and I like being Nathans friend" I'm always telling people that im perfectly fine with just being his friend. And that's not false information at all. I am okay with it, most days lol Some days are harder then others to accept that, but when you have a friendship as fulfilling as ours is...I get more out of our friendship, then I've gotten out of entire relationships with other guys...We just aren't sexually active. We hang out together, we talk about everything, we go out to eat, we go to movies, we plan trips together, we're comfortable and close enough to lay with each other..All the things that I ever want out of a relationship, I have with him. The sex really isnt That important to me as long as the right elements are there. Granted, adding more physical activity wouldnt be objected in the least, but I dont have the right to want that from him...that belongs to someone else...Maybe thats why I always tell people that I dont see him that way, one because I dont feel I have the right too, and two because maybe if I keep telling myself that, maybe it'll help me accept that what I really want will never happen...okay Nothing will ever make that Easy to accept, but I dont really have much of a choice. Well maybe one thing might make it less hard..and that would be if I really believed he was truly happy with Rachel. I mean maybe he is, but he has all these things in his life that he talks about with so much passion and excitement...EXCEPT his relationship..now granted they are in a tough situation, she lives hours away, she's extremely depressed and everyone involved with someone suffering depression, suffers it too. So its hard to gauge how he really feels about all of it..but I try not to push the issue..I just want him to be happy, and as long as I knew that he was, that would be good enough for me. I really just want for him whatever will bring him the greatest joy in life. Sigh. I'm rambling again..
Today is another saturday spent mostly at the good old PSP. My entire weekend actually, OH and Memorial Day. I like my job, but some days its just draining working all the time. I shouldnt complain though, thats life. But not only is it going to be a long weekend of work, but Rachael is in town so I wont get to talk to Nathan :( lol okay, so im only a tad pathetic. I get like..withdraws when we cant talk haha Well I better go get around for work. It feels kinda good being able to be open and honest with myself at least somewhere. We'll see how long this lasts lol. Probably until im discovered :o who knows.