(no subject)
I'm sorry that I hurt you and for what I put you through
I didnt mean to cause you harm, that for sure is true
I'm sorry I cant tell you exactly how I feel
I'm sorry that you've had to dealt with the way I decided to deal
I wish for one moment you could see things through my eyes
So you could really see the truth within the lies
There's only so much that my heart could take...
I started writing this months ago, I dont even know how many..and I returned on here to post a new entry, and there it was, saved in my drafts...It didnt feel right to delete it though..so I'm keeping it up there as a reminder to myself. I had to even stop and think who I was writing this too..Sad part is, even though I think I know who I was writing too, I can now think of a few people I could say this too..Apparently I'm good at breaking hearts. Along deep down within that, im continuously breaking my own heart.
I got on here to read previous journals that I had posted, funny thing was, the ones I remembered writing and wanted to read...are no longer on here. Curious. I dont completely remember deleting them..but at the same time I know why I did. Often times when I'm overwhelmed with emotion, is when I find myself on here posting an entry. Then later when I come back to it, the feelings still apply somewhere, but I sometimes feel ashamed and weak for the way I let myself go. I wish I had not deleted them though..I should take moments like those and reflect with a learning eye and accept that no matter how I feel now, right then, at that moment, when I was writing, thats exactly how I felt, and I cant deny that to myself.
I know two big reasons why they arent here...one was I felt weak and ashamed for the way I behaved over a guy I hardly knew...and deleting the post about it I guess was one way for me to forget about it and move past that...
The other was yet again, hiding from feelings about a boy..not just any boy, but a man, one who at the start of our relationship had this overwhelming effect on me, and still does 10 months later. I remember realizing that he really was going to read them, and did in fact, and I had to stop spewing my little "crush" feelings I had for him online, as if there was anything that was going to be done about it. I was subtle, and yet not. I'm always too afraid to just come out and say what I'm really feeling sometimes, but at this point im past that. Whats the point in hiding it from myself? Many times when I write in my journal, I write it in hopes that someone will read it and get something out of it...but this time is for me, no holding back with false hopes that someone will read it and get something out of it that im hinting to or hoping for...need to stop running my life on false hopes.
Truth is, that little crush I had 10 months ago, surly is no little crush anymore. And there is Still, Nothing, I can do about it.
I have a friend...one of the buddy sorts...and I love him with my whole heart. He's the kind of friend I dreamed about and even made up when I was little...The kind who could just go to the park with me and walk around and go on cool adventures...will sit with me and lay with me, talking, laughing, enjoying the view around us, or just enjoying each others company. I dont feel worried or anxious when im with him (which I often do one on one with guys) The world kind of melts away into our own little bliss. He inspires me, and he motivates me. He listens to me and he accepts me. When my world is a blended mess or work, stress, depression, and confusion, there in the mix of things is this one, simple, uncomplicated man who makes my world feel okay again. Even if just for the brief moments we're together, or the moments throughout my day when I'm reminded of him. Nathan is like home to me. Its comforting, caring, and like my own little happy place.
Our friendship is unlike any I've ever had. Sometimes I think he has a hard time believing that...but I think we just both have our doubts of how real and how lasting this unbelievably happiness we've found with each other..will really last. Are we just a phase? Will this be a summer held close to our hearts and never forgotten, no matter how faded through the years it gets? Or is this simply the beginning of a new part of our lives...have we opened the doors to something that will take us places and hold new possibilities..We've already experienced and gained so much from each other...I truly feel this is just the beginning, and our friendship has so much yet to experience...and yet at the same time, there's always that lingering fear that inevitable forces will take their toll and put a large damper on our time together...Someday when Rachael and him are coexisting, I have a feeling that we wont quite get to spend the time together that we do now...and on that note...my other fear, is that my own emotions will find their way into this and ruin everything...It's not exactly easy to love a man you can never have.
I always talk about how its a shame that people have such a hard time believing that Nathan and I are just friends..that two people of the opposite sex can coexist as friends as close as we are, and not be sexually involved with each other. It really is, because our friendship is so beautiful and magical, and we truly do have the most wonderful times together just hanging out and doing what we do best..juggling and hanging out..It really is a one of a kind friendship.
I just feel that somehow my deeper feelings taint that innocent bliss...
I can not deny to myself that given the opportunity, I would be with Nathan in a heartbeat...I want to give that man everything he deserves...show him what its like to have the kind of woman I could be in his life..be the one cheering him on every step of the way...be there at the beginning and the end of his races, reminding him how amazing he is...I want to be the person he can always rely on..be the one good, real, constant thing in his life, that wont bring him down or obligate him to be anything different then what he is...I want to be the one who takes care of him, supports him, loves him, MAkes love to him, gives him everything within my powers to give...I'd do it all for him, and he barely even knows it. At least, not the full extent of it.
I tease, and joke around with him a lot, and it really is just for fun...but when we have our moments of just staring into each other eyes..I get lost..he's soo beautiful...its like my love for him shines right out of his eyes and explodes itself into my heart every time I look at him..and we get soo close..so comfortable...and even though it takes every ounce on will power in my body not to grab his face and kiss him with all the passion inside of me...Just being near him, makes me happy.
So here I am...in love with my best friend, dreaming about him constantly...and simply trying to accept that his friend...is all I will ever be...
I dont know what will happen between us...I just know, that I love him soo much, soo deeply, that simply being around him can get me by...I embrace and cherish every single moment I get with him..I take it for what it is, and hold him close to my heart with everything that we have...our friendship is so beautiful that I just remind myself daily how lucky I am to have what I have with him...no matter how much more I will always pray and dream about...at least right now, I have this...and right now that will have to do...because I have no choice...and to ever really say this to him...would either have little to no effect...or be cause to ruin the beautiful friendship we do have...
So there...I got it out...I finally have written down in words in front of my face, how I really feel about that man. And given that this journal is public, he has access to it and could very well read it...I might not want to post it...maybe really even shouldnt...but this journal was for me...for me to express the one thing that I hide deep within myself...the thing no one knows the real truth about...and there is much more I Could say..but given the time of night, I should probably go to bed....With that I bid this a good night and I shall return at a more recent date then my latest trend.
I didnt mean to cause you harm, that for sure is true
I'm sorry I cant tell you exactly how I feel
I'm sorry that you've had to dealt with the way I decided to deal
I wish for one moment you could see things through my eyes
So you could really see the truth within the lies
There's only so much that my heart could take...
I started writing this months ago, I dont even know how many..and I returned on here to post a new entry, and there it was, saved in my drafts...It didnt feel right to delete it though..so I'm keeping it up there as a reminder to myself. I had to even stop and think who I was writing this too..Sad part is, even though I think I know who I was writing too, I can now think of a few people I could say this too..Apparently I'm good at breaking hearts. Along deep down within that, im continuously breaking my own heart.
I got on here to read previous journals that I had posted, funny thing was, the ones I remembered writing and wanted to read...are no longer on here. Curious. I dont completely remember deleting them..but at the same time I know why I did. Often times when I'm overwhelmed with emotion, is when I find myself on here posting an entry. Then later when I come back to it, the feelings still apply somewhere, but I sometimes feel ashamed and weak for the way I let myself go. I wish I had not deleted them though..I should take moments like those and reflect with a learning eye and accept that no matter how I feel now, right then, at that moment, when I was writing, thats exactly how I felt, and I cant deny that to myself.
I know two big reasons why they arent here...one was I felt weak and ashamed for the way I behaved over a guy I hardly knew...and deleting the post about it I guess was one way for me to forget about it and move past that...
The other was yet again, hiding from feelings about a boy..not just any boy, but a man, one who at the start of our relationship had this overwhelming effect on me, and still does 10 months later. I remember realizing that he really was going to read them, and did in fact, and I had to stop spewing my little "crush" feelings I had for him online, as if there was anything that was going to be done about it. I was subtle, and yet not. I'm always too afraid to just come out and say what I'm really feeling sometimes, but at this point im past that. Whats the point in hiding it from myself? Many times when I write in my journal, I write it in hopes that someone will read it and get something out of it...but this time is for me, no holding back with false hopes that someone will read it and get something out of it that im hinting to or hoping for...need to stop running my life on false hopes.
Truth is, that little crush I had 10 months ago, surly is no little crush anymore. And there is Still, Nothing, I can do about it.
I have a friend...one of the buddy sorts...and I love him with my whole heart. He's the kind of friend I dreamed about and even made up when I was little...The kind who could just go to the park with me and walk around and go on cool adventures...will sit with me and lay with me, talking, laughing, enjoying the view around us, or just enjoying each others company. I dont feel worried or anxious when im with him (which I often do one on one with guys) The world kind of melts away into our own little bliss. He inspires me, and he motivates me. He listens to me and he accepts me. When my world is a blended mess or work, stress, depression, and confusion, there in the mix of things is this one, simple, uncomplicated man who makes my world feel okay again. Even if just for the brief moments we're together, or the moments throughout my day when I'm reminded of him. Nathan is like home to me. Its comforting, caring, and like my own little happy place.
Our friendship is unlike any I've ever had. Sometimes I think he has a hard time believing that...but I think we just both have our doubts of how real and how lasting this unbelievably happiness we've found with each other..will really last. Are we just a phase? Will this be a summer held close to our hearts and never forgotten, no matter how faded through the years it gets? Or is this simply the beginning of a new part of our lives...have we opened the doors to something that will take us places and hold new possibilities..We've already experienced and gained so much from each other...I truly feel this is just the beginning, and our friendship has so much yet to experience...and yet at the same time, there's always that lingering fear that inevitable forces will take their toll and put a large damper on our time together...Someday when Rachael and him are coexisting, I have a feeling that we wont quite get to spend the time together that we do now...and on that note...my other fear, is that my own emotions will find their way into this and ruin everything...It's not exactly easy to love a man you can never have.
I always talk about how its a shame that people have such a hard time believing that Nathan and I are just friends..that two people of the opposite sex can coexist as friends as close as we are, and not be sexually involved with each other. It really is, because our friendship is so beautiful and magical, and we truly do have the most wonderful times together just hanging out and doing what we do best..juggling and hanging out..It really is a one of a kind friendship.
I just feel that somehow my deeper feelings taint that innocent bliss...
I can not deny to myself that given the opportunity, I would be with Nathan in a heartbeat...I want to give that man everything he deserves...show him what its like to have the kind of woman I could be in his life..be the one cheering him on every step of the way...be there at the beginning and the end of his races, reminding him how amazing he is...I want to be the person he can always rely on..be the one good, real, constant thing in his life, that wont bring him down or obligate him to be anything different then what he is...I want to be the one who takes care of him, supports him, loves him, MAkes love to him, gives him everything within my powers to give...I'd do it all for him, and he barely even knows it. At least, not the full extent of it.
I tease, and joke around with him a lot, and it really is just for fun...but when we have our moments of just staring into each other eyes..I get lost..he's soo beautiful...its like my love for him shines right out of his eyes and explodes itself into my heart every time I look at him..and we get soo close..so comfortable...and even though it takes every ounce on will power in my body not to grab his face and kiss him with all the passion inside of me...Just being near him, makes me happy.
So here I am...in love with my best friend, dreaming about him constantly...and simply trying to accept that his friend...is all I will ever be...
I dont know what will happen between us...I just know, that I love him soo much, soo deeply, that simply being around him can get me by...I embrace and cherish every single moment I get with him..I take it for what it is, and hold him close to my heart with everything that we have...our friendship is so beautiful that I just remind myself daily how lucky I am to have what I have with him...no matter how much more I will always pray and dream about...at least right now, I have this...and right now that will have to do...because I have no choice...and to ever really say this to him...would either have little to no effect...or be cause to ruin the beautiful friendship we do have...
So there...I got it out...I finally have written down in words in front of my face, how I really feel about that man. And given that this journal is public, he has access to it and could very well read it...I might not want to post it...maybe really even shouldnt...but this journal was for me...for me to express the one thing that I hide deep within myself...the thing no one knows the real truth about...and there is much more I Could say..but given the time of night, I should probably go to bed....With that I bid this a good night and I shall return at a more recent date then my latest trend.