dont know

[tophercub]

had an online conversation with the ex last night. dont know why he wont knock on my door and talk to my face. i went on and on about how big a failure i feel.. 1. for not keeping the absolute reason for my being happy and 2. because i only contributed to this relationship very briefly while i was employed. he called me silly, of course. saying that i contribute more than i know. that im not a failure because i strive to help others on a consistent basis. he propositioned sex during this conversation, and of course i was bawling my eyes out.. i do NOT want to be a friend with benefits. the intimacy confuses me and i end up crying myself to sleep. i told him as much. he said he was ok with my decision. an hour later he texted me saying he wanted to perform fellatio on me. i replied 'sorry'. this guy is possibly the smartest person i've ever known, but cant seem to take a fucking hint if it came and slapped him upside the head. im trying to heal, and everytime i end up in bed with him, it opens the wound and rubs it in salt. how can i heal if he wont let me? is this some kind of superiority thing? he's going to have to find himself a new fuck buddy, and he's going to have to do it at that person's house. i swear, i come home and see someone else here, in what used to be OUR bed, i do one of 2 things.. attempt to kill myself, or set fire to the fucking house. this is a promise. you can only stab me in the back so many times before im going to turn around and start stabbing back.

fuck.

ive been drinking. im feeling so tense and aggro right now. i want to hurt something/someone. i want to take my golf club and walk thru the dark park down the street and beat the ever loving shit out of anyone who approaches me. what? self defense. my word against theirs.