Eragon (2006)
The Cast
Edward Speleers ... Eragon
Jeremy Irons ... Brom
Sienna Guillory ... Arya
Robert Carlyle ... Durza
John Malkovich ... Galbatorix
Garrett Hedlund ... Murtagh
Alun Armstrong ... Uncle Garrow
Christopher Egan ... Roran
Gary Lewis ... Hrothgar
Djimon Hounsou ... Ajihad
Rachel Weisz ... Saphira
Joss Stone ... Angela
Do you know who Stefen Fangmeier is? With a name like that, no one would ever think less of you for thinking of the man as some sort of Nordic god-like person who is world-renowned for his ability to kill tigers. Instead, it's some guy from El Paso, Texas who somehow was given the task of directing Eragon, a movie based on the popular book that was written by a dude who was in his teens. Now I'm not saying that teenagers don't have a reputation for writing well, but... c'mon. You're reading this on LiveJournal, one of the many home bases of poor-writing teenagers, am i rite? Yes I am, concede me that point if no others. So combine a teenager's book with a first time director and what do you have? Certainly not Peter Jackson.
First of all, to say this movie is horrible would be a disservice to horrible movies. Eragano is far too boring to be considered horrible, even though there are a few members of the supporting cast that are notorious scene stealers. The movie plods along in a derivative fashion, as though there had never been a dragon or swords 'n sorcery film made before this one. It makes me hurt inside that some punk kid is probably financially secure for the rest of his life because he basically wrote a book that had already been written before by dozens of far better authors than he. At least that's my perspective from watching the movie, though I seriously doubt I'll ever have the desire to pick up any Christopher Paolini book.
The movie isn't helped by the least charismatic leading man performance in recent memory. Ed Speleers sounds like Heath Ledger, looks like one of the prettiest pretty boy actors ever, and seems to have all the charisma of a week old donut. Again, this was a no-win situation since any veteran actor would have read the part and passed on it's moronic horribleness and the only actors they could get for the part would have little experience but want to make an impact or something. I have to tell you, I'm even bored writing this review. I'm trying to think about other things that pissed me off about the movie just to get this review to a respectable length.
This is a movie we've all seen before, except for one part. The dragon that hatches from the egg (of course it's an egg, that's not a spoiler) that Oregano finds in the forest is a girl dragon, and she communicates to Aragorn by reading his thoughts. Now I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I don't like the idea of any species of female reading what little goes on in my mind and then communicating to me through my brains using Rachel Weisz' voice. Seriously freaks me the hell out.
I felt bad for Jeremy Irons in this movie. The guy looked like Death, and delivered a fairly decent performance in the land of Bland, all probably for naught. I don't even know if they made an action figure out of him. Everyone, please, shed a tear for Jeremys Iron. Not to mention Malkovich, who was probably limited to about 3 minutes of screen time in order to set up a franchise of movies based on a series of books that aren't even written yet. Everything about this movie seems moronic when you sit down and think about it, which I don't really recommend because it leads to hurt. For the most part it looks fairly decent, but then one raining scene leads into a sunshiney scene and you just want to stab the goddamn dragon yourself, just so there won't be the possibility of another Orangutang movie.
1.5 / 5