(no subject)
Blah, I had to quit smoking for awhile, which sucks. It helps me sleep, so now I'm having trouble going to bed at nights. Philip goes to sleep at like 11pm, and I don't seem to get tired enough on my own until like 3am, lol. So I just sit here and do homework, but I'm so far ahead now it's ridiculous. My poor puppy wont stop bitting his back and is getting scabs, we picked up some medicine and have been putting it on him, but it doesn't seem to work. he just keeps scratching and biting so I might have to take him to the vet and see if they can perscribe something better. He chews on everything now ! OMG. my shoes, lighters, XBOX controllers, my weed. jesus. I feel bad because I know he's just not used to being home alone. when he was a puppy I didn't work so I was home all the time, but now I'm working again and he's so sad. We're probably going to get him a brother fairly soon, hopefully if philip agrees and finances are okayy.
Uhm, Philip and I went bowling tonight with our friends Tyler and Donny. I suck at bowling, hahhah. it's fun though. We're probably going to go again soon so philip can practice. I never realized how many old perverts there were that bowled, it's crazy.
This isn't helping much on helping me tired like I thought it would. and I really can't think of anything to write it's been such a long time that I just write my feelings down, it kind of feels wierd.
Philip and I are doing good. I love him, he loves me. I'm just tired of all his friends calling me his 'wife'. I mean, yea maybe one day we'll get there, but we're not. I know we kind of skipped a few 'traditional' steps before getting married, but that doesn't mean I want to skip EVERYTHING, you know? sometimes I feel more like his mother than a girlfriend. I do his laundry, I clean the house, take care of keeping track of all the finances (balancing the checkbooks, deposits, bills, etc), help him keep track of his schooling (due dates, which classes he still needs, doing his FAFSA on time). I don't mind it, really, but it's a lot of fucking work. I'm not his wife. I'm his girlfriend. I didn't get a romantic engagement, an amazing wedding, vows, a giant rock on my finger, etc. He doesn't deserve for me to be his wife yet, he hasn't earned it. The way I figure it is when a man truely loves you, marriage material, spend the rest of your life together... then he does't care about what makes him happy, he only cares about you, and you about him. Now I'm there, but I'm a woman, that's different, it's like instinct to just get comfortable and settle in like that. But I am not his wife, he is not my husband. I hope this isn't coming out wrong. lol. I LOVE him, unconditionally, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same. But there's different levels of love, and we just aren't there yet. I still have trust issues. he still has not being lazy and messy issues. I try to explain to him I need help doing shit sometimes, I'm not superwoman no matter how hard I try to be. But he is ssssoooo damn lazy sssooo damn messy. I try to take into understanding that, yes, he does work 48 hours a week and busts his ass to pay the bills, but that's not excuse to not help around the house. I'm taking 4 classes, he's only taking 3. I help him do his school work when he procrastinates.... God knows how many 'IOU' papers he has to write for me that I'll probably never get. I only work 25 hours a week, yea, but I bust my ass off those 25 hours and make almost as much as he does. I pay the insurance for both our cars, which comes out to about $250 a month, plus my car payment, another $300. I pay the car shit, he pays the house shit for the most part. But he acts like it's HIS house sometimes and I have to put him in his place.
There have been times and arguments where it seems almost easier to just call it quit, move back in with my dad, get some piece of crap job, and just focus on school.... but I can never seem to take that leap when those times come around. maybe it's my brain speaking. I've explained to philip, I have no intentions of breaking up, but then again I explain to him that everyone has their braking points and he's gotten me pretty close ti mine a few times. It just sucks how much would be torn apart if we ever broke up. EVERYTHING we've built, I don' t think I'd have the strength to ever do it.
I think maybe I'm just being petty sometimes. Or jealous that it's so easy for him to make friends, and it seems so hard for me. I just can't make that connection with any females and philip doesnt' like me hanging out with guys he doesn't know, yet wont make the effort to get to know the guys I love hanging out with from work. I just get along better with guys.
nothing truely excites me anymore. it seems like everything is 'buisness'. I need friends. Alyssa and Tasha are so far away, and those have truely been the only females I LOVE to be around. I mean there's Caitlyn, but she's even further... and it's almost like she doesn't want to be my friend anymore... doesn't have time ?... or Curtis doesn't want her to be ... ? IDK... but there's almost an akwardness between us. I feel like if we lived around the block it would be different, but with her living it North Carolina, it's too hard to even try to maintain our old friendship I miss so much.
It also sucks that my entire childhood/ teenage years my mom always lived so far away, but as soon as I move away, she moves close. I feel like I was cheated all the things my brother is getting. I want to be resentful for all the privalges he's getting and never earned, but I EARNED everything he has gotten, but never got it myself. It stinks. I love our father probably more then he ever could, but he's always been my fathers BOY. I was always the 'fuck up' even though I never really was. But my brother's the fuck up, BIG TIME, and somehow it's all because I was the fuck up first ? funny how things happen, how so manyy perspectives can be taken on a single incident.
I sometimes think about how great it would be to just get my own studio apartment, work, go to school beyond full time and get all these years done fast. I still have another 2 semesters until I can even tranfer to start for my B.A. .... then another 3-4 years to get my Ph.D.
I keep telling philip in 2-3 years we're either going to have to move closer to Tampa or back to Orlando for me to get my PhD. The FSU campus here is very small and wont have the classes I need to get in order to graduate... and Tampa is like a 45 min drive with traffic sometimes.
I'm constantly having this battle in my head over what's best FOR ME. in day to day life all I think about is what's best for philip... but deep down what's best for philip isn't always what's best for me. It's an internal battle that I'm afraid I'll have to confront one day and make a choice... either that or philip's going to have to make a choice. I'm not naieve to the fact the sometimes, in the long run, certain relationships aren't meant to last forever... but then again maybe I'm just being over analytical and critical.
It's funny how easy it is for me to help others with making decissions and relationship problems, but because I'm so deep in mine it's hard for me to make good ones for myself... and even for philip at times. so if anyone has any advice I'd love to hear it.
So I'm just taking one day at a time with us. Looking towards the future, but never too far until HE takes another step. I'm not worried about me being able to take those steps, I'm ready, always have been... I guess the scariest thing for me is whether he's ever going to Step up to the plate, is he going to be lazy and strike out and then we've waisted so much time with eachother... or is he going to stop being lazy and stop being so selfish and make a homerun for me...
either way. right now. I'm not his wife. I play the role in many many ways, but he has to earn that right. Has to try to be the BEST man he can be, He says he's trying, but if he truely was I think I'd feel it more. Maybe I just watch too many chick flicks and read to many romance novels. Maybe he'll never be prince charming, no man will ever be. But if that's the case, I'm going to end up being a very lonely old lady with a milliong pets, lol. I wont settle for mediocore, I deserve the best just as anyone else does. Relationships are work , I know that. There are the bad days, the good days, and the really really bad days. But overall, I don't think I should be thinking everyday how MUCH work and EFFORT I have to put in, and how little it feel like he does. Blah... Can't even do simple things like putting his work clothes in the hamper instead of the downstairs living room. or putting food back in the fridge after he's done with it. closing the freaking kitchen cabnit doors (jesus, it's my pet pieve). remember to give the dog food and water. do his homework on time and REMEMBER when it's due. not depend on me to clean house and do the launrdy. simple, every day things that just come naturally to me. maybe it's because he's a guy... but that's no excuse in my book. He needs to grow up and learn to do these things just as I had too. take responsibility for your life. your house. the things and people you love. Jesus, I had to remind him to call his sister and thank her for the Christmas present she sent him! I just feel like I'm giving more then I'm recieveing. huhhh... I'm going to try to sleep.