(no subject)
I am stuck. It feels like I am still twelve years old. Obviously, I'm not. I have an apartment and I'm in college. But really, I just can't wrap my mind around it. I can't believe I'm on my own. In a lot of ways, I am the same. But I am different in some pretty fundamental ways. How much can one change before ceasing to be who they were and becoming someone completely different? I could just stare at a wall for hours at a time right now. I don't know if it's the end of the semester that does it or my mood shifts just in time to catch it, but FUCK I am just about ready. I always go into it thinking, "This time will be different. I'll work so much harder and I'll meet new people like people tell me I should want." But it never happens. At what point does this stop being optimism and become me lying to myself? Lying is so great...everyone does it and everyone has a litany of reasons. "Everyone" seems so holier-than-thou. I am implying a first person plural but it's just easier to say "everyone" because it's the American way of passing blame that has been ingrained into just about everyone. all of US. See, I even blame America for my issues. It has enough issues of its own, I should lay off.
You know, I'm looking back on all my posts and they're really depressing. Fuck, I escaped Jackson, I'm in college and I'm on my way to doing something with my life. I have an apartment and there are a few people who like me despite the fact that I suck at life. I should be fucking dancing to my classes when I think about what I used to live like or how badly I could be doing. Yeah, it'd be nice if Maynard or Ryan Gosling decided they wanted to marry me, but I'd settle for a cool guy up here. Where are all the straight, single cool guys?? Do they exist?? I know they do, but in order to find them I'd have to start meeting people and being all "social"-like. Yeah, there are some cool people once you put yourself out there. It just sucks when a few shining examples of why humans should think twice about reproducing really make you regret it. For people like me, it's hard. Verbal communication works against us in almost all occasions. We come off as assholes who think they're better than humanity but we just don't know what to say or don't feel the need to say anything at all. We *gasp* like being by ourselves. For me, it's not the fear of being judged that holds me back. It's the overwhelmig sense of apathy. Damn, I'm bordering on emo. But what is emo? Devolved punks who seek the "sweet pains of love and death" instead of anarchy and the shock value of the "who gives a fuck?" mentality. It's all about the music now, anwyays. You're more likely to be labeled punk if you listen to the Sex Pistols and the Ramones than if you break an inane law to give The Man something to sit and spin on. Anarchy is almost impossible anyways. Anarchy itself is a war against a governmental system. And that war resembles wars hosted by our government so when we're fighting for a cause (anarchy), there is no chaos as we are directed towards a goal. Real, modern anarchists might shoot my theory full of holes but it's 3 a.m. and lunacy is setting in.