Labor Pains
Writing today is the journal due to feeling stymied describing emotions. I wish I was a good enough writer that I could spin beautiful passages that accurately capture abstract concepts like, in this case, the horror of realizing a long time enemy is your doppleganger, something you have just now noticed after years of seeing his face and not recognizing it as your own. What I've been reading plays a large role in how I am writing and I've focused on a lot of plot-heavy, less descriptive books lately. I should give something more philosophical a chance, maybe re-read Cloud Atlas or finally pick up a David Foster Wallace.
This whole chapter is chock-full of this type of writing, too, so I can't just skip the scene. Confrontation with your hitherto unknown clone, near religious reverence for masterwork craftsmanship of a Great Machine, and panic plus determination plus guilt over trying to disarm a bomb of unknown properties while rip-roaring drunk. I am trying very hard to unpack, unpack, unpack and not just rely on "He was scared" style descriptions, but there is only so much sweating, shaking and twitching a girl can type.
I'm grateful for my 250 word goal. without it, I get the urges to write (or create in general), but they feel ominous like far away thunder and I swallow them, storm and all, and then feel discontent until the urge passes. Why? Fear, I suppose. Why am I afraid? Failure. Why should that frighten me so much despite years of practice dealing with making bad art and learning from it? No fucking clue. I am baffled. There is nothing to be afraid of! I have done this, so much SO MUCH, every time I sit down a blank canvas and a piece of paper, I have failed, most of the time I did not, it was okay either way.
The timid core isn't listening. So I force it, because I must.
****
Other things! Procrastinated all morning at work. Not an unusual occurrence. I am very burned out with my job right now; that's a whole other kettle of fishes for a later journal entry. Working in the evenings on freelance stuff. Traditional, not digital! It's coming out well so far, though I am apt to go through an expensive amount of colored pencils in the process. That's fine, it will look good and I'll have originals to auction off. Then watching Daredevil, which is as excellent as everyone says. I am particularly struck by the color choices, which are very bold and remind me a lot of some of the best 1980's and 70's comic book coloring, with blasts of red and yellow tinting the world sickly shades. Very good. Vanessa is character I haven't heard people talk much about, but I find her to be the most sinister of anyone on the show. I highly recommend the series.
This whole chapter is chock-full of this type of writing, too, so I can't just skip the scene. Confrontation with your hitherto unknown clone, near religious reverence for masterwork craftsmanship of a Great Machine, and panic plus determination plus guilt over trying to disarm a bomb of unknown properties while rip-roaring drunk. I am trying very hard to unpack, unpack, unpack and not just rely on "He was scared" style descriptions, but there is only so much sweating, shaking and twitching a girl can type.
I'm grateful for my 250 word goal. without it, I get the urges to write (or create in general), but they feel ominous like far away thunder and I swallow them, storm and all, and then feel discontent until the urge passes. Why? Fear, I suppose. Why am I afraid? Failure. Why should that frighten me so much despite years of practice dealing with making bad art and learning from it? No fucking clue. I am baffled. There is nothing to be afraid of! I have done this, so much SO MUCH, every time I sit down a blank canvas and a piece of paper, I have failed, most of the time I did not, it was okay either way.
The timid core isn't listening. So I force it, because I must.
****
Other things! Procrastinated all morning at work. Not an unusual occurrence. I am very burned out with my job right now; that's a whole other kettle of fishes for a later journal entry. Working in the evenings on freelance stuff. Traditional, not digital! It's coming out well so far, though I am apt to go through an expensive amount of colored pencils in the process. That's fine, it will look good and I'll have originals to auction off. Then watching Daredevil, which is as excellent as everyone says. I am particularly struck by the color choices, which are very bold and remind me a lot of some of the best 1980's and 70's comic book coloring, with blasts of red and yellow tinting the world sickly shades. Very good. Vanessa is character I haven't heard people talk much about, but I find her to be the most sinister of anyone on the show. I highly recommend the series.