Just when I was starting to make long-term plans...
My brain just keeps going around in circles.
My head of the school says one thing.
My head of year says he is actually saying another to them.
My head of deptartment emailed me yesterday to criticise everything I've been doing all year, and demand to know why I didn't ask for help when I was obviously not handling my responsibilities, and this now makes her look very bad. Oh, and btw, I should probably have a think as to whether this job is the right thing for my future career. Maybe I should think about going into something a little more practical instead. At least she's suggesting teaching Music instead of English, but still - I get the distinct impression that regardless of the fact that they've put in for my new work permit, she's not planning on recommending that they give me my job back.
Which is very not the impression I got from 2 of the 3 members of senior management.
Yes, I've screwed up parts of this year. I am behind on my marking. My room is disorganized.
But yes, I HAVE asked for help, multiple times - just not from my head of department. (Which I know I should have done, but she's a bloody intimidating woman!) I've been getting help with discipline from the heads of year. I've been getting help with my room by one of the deputy heads and another member of the department. I've been keeping up with the teaching - just not the marking. I thought I was treading water alright - behind, but getting there. Apparently she disagrees.
I've been worried about what the head was telling the rest of the staff, b/c I was getting back little snippits that weren't quite in line with what he had told me. This email, however, blew me off my feet.
She's put in her home number, and asked me to call her.
I'm trying to ensure I'm calm enough to do so, b/c all I've wanted to do since reading her email was cry. It took me forever to go to sleep last night, and now I just feel like drowning myself in icecream. Or throwing myself into reading - to escape these feelings of depressive self-pity and unworthiness.
I love my school. I love my kids. I miss everyone terribly. I get along very well with most of the staff there, and tolerably with the rest. My job is stressful, but then, most that are worth the time and effort tend to be.
I've always wanted to be a teacher. I know what my problems are - I'm a 'natural' when it comes to relating to students and their families, but am lousy with paperwork. I can teach - I just can't administrate.
I had all these plans for the future. Travelling, and school, and where I was going to be in 5 years. Now, I dunno.
Maybe my head of department didn't mean to come across as harshly as she did. I AM very good at jumping to the worst conclusions and beating myself up over things much more severely than anyone else would - I've done it since I was a kid. But still ... I don't know what to do.
I know what I should be doing.
I know what I NEED to be doing.
I just can't bring myself to do it!
I want to talk, but I don't know to whom. Tracy's in transit - or at least unavailable atm. Kara's asleep. Mich'd be in school. Tammy's at work. Mom's at work. Ronnie's at school. I don't know whether talking to my friends in England would be a good idea or not, never mind the expense. That and I left a message for Tracy to call me back and my folks don't have call waiting - or at least I haven't figured out how to use it properly - so I don't want to be on the phone with Nicki or Erica or Mir while she's trying to ring me!
This sucks. Big time.
...and I don't know what to do.
My head of the school says one thing.
My head of year says he is actually saying another to them.
My head of deptartment emailed me yesterday to criticise everything I've been doing all year, and demand to know why I didn't ask for help when I was obviously not handling my responsibilities, and this now makes her look very bad. Oh, and btw, I should probably have a think as to whether this job is the right thing for my future career. Maybe I should think about going into something a little more practical instead. At least she's suggesting teaching Music instead of English, but still - I get the distinct impression that regardless of the fact that they've put in for my new work permit, she's not planning on recommending that they give me my job back.
Which is very not the impression I got from 2 of the 3 members of senior management.
Yes, I've screwed up parts of this year. I am behind on my marking. My room is disorganized.
But yes, I HAVE asked for help, multiple times - just not from my head of department. (Which I know I should have done, but she's a bloody intimidating woman!) I've been getting help with discipline from the heads of year. I've been getting help with my room by one of the deputy heads and another member of the department. I've been keeping up with the teaching - just not the marking. I thought I was treading water alright - behind, but getting there. Apparently she disagrees.
I've been worried about what the head was telling the rest of the staff, b/c I was getting back little snippits that weren't quite in line with what he had told me. This email, however, blew me off my feet.
She's put in her home number, and asked me to call her.
I'm trying to ensure I'm calm enough to do so, b/c all I've wanted to do since reading her email was cry. It took me forever to go to sleep last night, and now I just feel like drowning myself in icecream. Or throwing myself into reading - to escape these feelings of depressive self-pity and unworthiness.
I love my school. I love my kids. I miss everyone terribly. I get along very well with most of the staff there, and tolerably with the rest. My job is stressful, but then, most that are worth the time and effort tend to be.
I've always wanted to be a teacher. I know what my problems are - I'm a 'natural' when it comes to relating to students and their families, but am lousy with paperwork. I can teach - I just can't administrate.
I had all these plans for the future. Travelling, and school, and where I was going to be in 5 years. Now, I dunno.
Maybe my head of department didn't mean to come across as harshly as she did. I AM very good at jumping to the worst conclusions and beating myself up over things much more severely than anyone else would - I've done it since I was a kid. But still ... I don't know what to do.
I know what I should be doing.
I know what I NEED to be doing.
I just can't bring myself to do it!
I want to talk, but I don't know to whom. Tracy's in transit - or at least unavailable atm. Kara's asleep. Mich'd be in school. Tammy's at work. Mom's at work. Ronnie's at school. I don't know whether talking to my friends in England would be a good idea or not, never mind the expense. That and I left a message for Tracy to call me back and my folks don't have call waiting - or at least I haven't figured out how to use it properly - so I don't want to be on the phone with Nicki or Erica or Mir while she's trying to ring me!
This sucks. Big time.
...and I don't know what to do.