I'm Lost!
I don't know what to do to help my relationship from diminishing before my eyes. I just got back from a "romantic" stay at the Four Seasons Resort with Jon to "rekindle the spark" in our relationship. My mother and Jon thought that some time away from everyone and work and bills and basically everything, but I ended up crying for a long while last night. Jon accused me of something that basically broke my heart at the moment. He didn't accuse me, I could tell what he was thinking....i said what i thought and i was right. Our entire relationship for the past 8 months has been a pathetic attempt to avoidhaving an honest relationship. That kinda makes sense to me...i know it's not clear but it brings some validity to the situation we are placed in know. I've spent every moment since last night wondering what Jon expects me to do. He told me the only way he thinks our relationship will work is if i move out. How does that help anything...that just will make it worse. his actions as well as his words make me think that he doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore and breaking it off step by step will just make it easier on him. i've asked him and he keeps telling me he wants it to work but i can't seem to believe him when he acts the way he has been. we talked last night about the soon-to-be-problem of us never seeing eachother when my schedule changes in 3 weeks. Every suggestion i gave, he shot down. the only suggestion he thinks will work is me moving out and us starting our entire relationship from scratch. how can we do that when we have a life and a home together? how can we do that with Samantha?
I want this to work...i always have, but he doesn't even act like he likes me let alone loves me. don't get me wrong when it comes to sex he's happy and says sweet things and acts like he loves me but when the deed is done he's back to his normal self. We were home today and he wouldn't even put his arm around me when we were laying together. He only says "i love you" when he leaves and he doesn't even kiss me unless he's leaving. i don't know what to think. i know people change and i know that circumstances have changed but he's not even close to the guy i feel in love with. He used to call me all the time just "to hear the sound of my voice" and he used to write me poems because he missed me and i was asleep so he could only write his thoughts and he used to say i love you all the time and he used to hold me every moment he was with me and he used to only want to be around me and he used to find me attractive and he used to say nice things and he used to be in love with me. i don't know if he is or not now. he's so hard to read and he won't talk to me about what he's thinking about and he just makes me feel like he doesn't want me around. i hate to say it but he used to make me feel like he was obsessed with me, that i was the only person that mattered in his whole life and now i feel like would rather talk to the DMV automated service than be with me. I don't think i can start over and just let go of this relationship but if i know he's not gonna try and he's not gonna change....should i stick around for a bigger heartbreak. i mean i'd rather say there goes 2 years down the drain than 5. What can i do to make him want to be the guy he used to be? What can i do to make him want this to work? i thought this time away would make us realize how in love we once were and we could just let that charge on our relationship battery power our car without having to buy a new battery. it's a stupid analogy but basically i thought our flame would be rekindled and we would just fall back in love and that would be enough....i guess i was wrong. do i have to become perfect pysco girlfriend that just agrees with every word he says and does what he wants when he wants? iwish he would just help me to realize how i've changed in the past year so that i could try to change back because we were both so happy. i know we have both changed but we need to work together to change back. i'm so willing to do anything at this point to make it work, but i'm lost for what to do. i don't know how i've changed but i know our life has so i have had to. i wish Jon would help me and i wish i could help him without it feeling fake...without it feeling like we are pretending to change to make the other feel better. i want it to be like it was, i want us to feel like we used to. I don't know how to make him realize that i'll try almost anything to work on this. (when i say anything i mean any emotion stratgy i don't mean like moving out or temporary separation or anything like that, but i'll try any stupid pyscobabble method to get it worked out) i feel so depressed that i just want to wither away. i know and can admit that we BOTH have changed enough to make things the way they are now. (by changed i include changes in behavoir, changes in thinking, and changing in circumstances, all changes.) my eyes hurt from crying and my heart hurts from pain. Jon has a big problem with me pill popping and hurting myself so i'm not gonna do even though i really want to. i don't have anything else to offer but my ear to Jon but he won't take it. I know there is something going on in his mind that he doesn't want to tell me but in order for this to work we have to have no secrets.....what is going on in his head? why won't he talk to me? if he can't talk to me, who can he talk to? does he love me? does he want me?
ALL questions and more i can't amswer.
I want this to work...i always have, but he doesn't even act like he likes me let alone loves me. don't get me wrong when it comes to sex he's happy and says sweet things and acts like he loves me but when the deed is done he's back to his normal self. We were home today and he wouldn't even put his arm around me when we were laying together. He only says "i love you" when he leaves and he doesn't even kiss me unless he's leaving. i don't know what to think. i know people change and i know that circumstances have changed but he's not even close to the guy i feel in love with. He used to call me all the time just "to hear the sound of my voice" and he used to write me poems because he missed me and i was asleep so he could only write his thoughts and he used to say i love you all the time and he used to hold me every moment he was with me and he used to only want to be around me and he used to find me attractive and he used to say nice things and he used to be in love with me. i don't know if he is or not now. he's so hard to read and he won't talk to me about what he's thinking about and he just makes me feel like he doesn't want me around. i hate to say it but he used to make me feel like he was obsessed with me, that i was the only person that mattered in his whole life and now i feel like would rather talk to the DMV automated service than be with me. I don't think i can start over and just let go of this relationship but if i know he's not gonna try and he's not gonna change....should i stick around for a bigger heartbreak. i mean i'd rather say there goes 2 years down the drain than 5. What can i do to make him want to be the guy he used to be? What can i do to make him want this to work? i thought this time away would make us realize how in love we once were and we could just let that charge on our relationship battery power our car without having to buy a new battery. it's a stupid analogy but basically i thought our flame would be rekindled and we would just fall back in love and that would be enough....i guess i was wrong. do i have to become perfect pysco girlfriend that just agrees with every word he says and does what he wants when he wants? iwish he would just help me to realize how i've changed in the past year so that i could try to change back because we were both so happy. i know we have both changed but we need to work together to change back. i'm so willing to do anything at this point to make it work, but i'm lost for what to do. i don't know how i've changed but i know our life has so i have had to. i wish Jon would help me and i wish i could help him without it feeling fake...without it feeling like we are pretending to change to make the other feel better. i want it to be like it was, i want us to feel like we used to. I don't know how to make him realize that i'll try almost anything to work on this. (when i say anything i mean any emotion stratgy i don't mean like moving out or temporary separation or anything like that, but i'll try any stupid pyscobabble method to get it worked out) i feel so depressed that i just want to wither away. i know and can admit that we BOTH have changed enough to make things the way they are now. (by changed i include changes in behavoir, changes in thinking, and changing in circumstances, all changes.) my eyes hurt from crying and my heart hurts from pain. Jon has a big problem with me pill popping and hurting myself so i'm not gonna do even though i really want to. i don't have anything else to offer but my ear to Jon but he won't take it. I know there is something going on in his mind that he doesn't want to tell me but in order for this to work we have to have no secrets.....what is going on in his head? why won't he talk to me? if he can't talk to me, who can he talk to? does he love me? does he want me?
ALL questions and more i can't amswer.