Yuck!
Well my life is pretty shitty and the advice i am getting is not helping. I have not been eating for a week, been depressed and self mutilating myself. I haven't done it so that it is noticable because i learned in 8th grade how to hide it but i'm really mad that i'm doing it again. I'm not doing it to the extremes, but i am doing it. it seems to be the only time i am at peace. it is the only time that i can clear my mind. Where's Blaine when you need him????i say that because he was the one to convince me to stop and now four years later it is my only jmoment of serenity. i know i am making things worse,i know, but i can't afford to be the fool again. i can't seem to just let things go. I am extremely emotional and i can't get over the fact that Jon shows me no emotion or affection but expects me not to be mad. He keeps trying to TELL me that i'm the only person he ever wants to be with but all women know that if their action don't coincide with their words then their words are full of shit. i can't help but feel that he says things like that just to shut me up. that's bad to say but he doesn't act like he loves me at all, he doesn't even pretend to want me around. he thinks i should just forget everything and be satisfied hearing him say that i'm the only one he loves and cares about but he doesn't even kiss me when he comes and goes anymore. even when people hate eachother and are in a horrible relationship that they know will end soon still kiss eachother. Then there's me and Jon-Jon was talking about marriage and family not more than 2 or 3 months ago and now he won't even kiss me. how could such a dramatic change happen so fast. why did he pretend to want a long term relationship for over a year and now not even want to touch me. was that all just an attempt to piece his life back together or not? i don't know anymore why things went so wrong. i can't imagine why i did what i did or why he did what he did? i just know that things couldn't have been well for that to happen, so why have we been doing this this long? i don't understand why it couldn't have just ended after the first year-like in "A Walk To Remember" where she dies after only like 6 months of marriage. She died happy, why couldn't that have happened to me?????