i suppose you seldom think about me.
I've reached this point in my life. This point where I have so much more than I've ever had. So many more abilities. A little more money.
I'm more responsible.
I'm growing up.
And things are all finally falling into place.
But emotionally... I feel as if I'm scraping the bottom. I have very little control. Very little ambition to talk to anyone. Mostly just wanting to be alone.
I guess I'm having pretty bad relapses of things. Things with Marcela. Issues with friends.
I thought I was over her. Thought I was good to go. Good to move on. Good to go. But I'm not. I'm a vulnerable, fragile mother fucker. I guess I still don't understand, but I guess I don't like to discuss it either... to avoid being annoying and repetative.
I feel like I've failed. I tried. So hard. I tried so fucking hard to make things perfect, and to make her happy. I did everything I could to make it work. I feel like I was never enough. Nor will I ever be... for anyone.
So I stay my distance. Because I know my place. I just feel dead. Dead to her. Dead to myself. Dead to most everyone else.
Nothing anyone does really makes me happy anymore. I smile, and laugh if necessary, but it truely doesn't make me happy. And it's a terrible feeling, cuz I am nothing like that.
I keep thinking that it's just a phase, and it'll be over soon. But it's not working. I don't know what to do. And it scares the shit out of me.
I'm more responsible.
I'm growing up.
And things are all finally falling into place.
But emotionally... I feel as if I'm scraping the bottom. I have very little control. Very little ambition to talk to anyone. Mostly just wanting to be alone.
I guess I'm having pretty bad relapses of things. Things with Marcela. Issues with friends.
I thought I was over her. Thought I was good to go. Good to move on. Good to go. But I'm not. I'm a vulnerable, fragile mother fucker. I guess I still don't understand, but I guess I don't like to discuss it either... to avoid being annoying and repetative.
I feel like I've failed. I tried. So hard. I tried so fucking hard to make things perfect, and to make her happy. I did everything I could to make it work. I feel like I was never enough. Nor will I ever be... for anyone.
So I stay my distance. Because I know my place. I just feel dead. Dead to her. Dead to myself. Dead to most everyone else.
Nothing anyone does really makes me happy anymore. I smile, and laugh if necessary, but it truely doesn't make me happy. And it's a terrible feeling, cuz I am nothing like that.
I keep thinking that it's just a phase, and it'll be over soon. But it's not working. I don't know what to do. And it scares the shit out of me.