(no subject)
Tonight I experienced my first real "oh fuck" moment since living by myself.
My toilet overflowed. At 2:30am. And I have contamination/germ based OCD, with toilets and the things associated with them being one of the dirtiest things for me. And I have to be up at 8:30.
Let me back up a bit and set the stage: I have IBS, and this means my poops vary in texture, consistency, etc. The past two days I've been having what's probably the healthiest type of poop but is my least favorite: the soft-serve ice cream type. You know when it won't push out all the way, sticks to your butt, and there's tons of it there? And it takes FOREVER to clean up? Those kinds.
So last night I had one of those dumps and used a looooot of toilet paper and baby wipes. I had somewhere to be and hurriedly flushed the toilet and just prayed it would all go down. I didn't get back until tonight, roughly 18 hours later.
I checked the toilet, and some poop was still there, amongst a tangle of soggy toilet paper. I flushed and everything seemed okay.
As I'm getting ready for bed (sleeping pill taken, I'm drowsy, I have to be up in a few hours), I go to pee. I notice there's still some toilet paper in there, but shrug it off, pee, and flush. I decided to check to see if it was going down, just to be sure (I close the lid of the toilet when I flush).
It wasn't. It was coming up. I started saying "Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh shit. Please go down. Please go down. PLEEEEASE go down! DON'T OVERFLOW! NO! NO NO NO NO NO!"
The water rises and starts pouring over the bowl, onto the floor, like a fucking fountain. Luckily I have the sense to grab the bath mat and chuck it into the hallway before the water reaches it, but that was about the extent of my skills.
I stood helplessly in the doorway, attempting telekinesis to stop it from flowing onto the floor. I watched it creep closer and closer to the door, and I had a sudden thought and ran in and grabbed my toilet plunger (no lie, the #1 thing on the list my apartment gave out for "first time apartment renter tips" was to buy a toilet plunger so you can save yourself the embarrassment of calling maintenance to unclog your toilet). I plunge a few times, lift it up, and sweet Jesus, the water starts going down and flushes, and the bowl refills to normal. Thank dog. I look behind me and feel like I have witnessed a miracle, because the water stopped about 10 inches short of the door, which leads to carpet. How lucky is that?
... except I still have toilet water all over my bathroom floor. And it occurs to me that I'm standing in it. I consider how much I actually use my feet and whether I really needed them or if I could cut them off. I made an "UGH!!" sound and stepped into the hallway. But now the carpet in the hallway is wet where I'm standing. I realize that no matter what, I'm going to have to go back into the bathroom and clean up all the water. I could call maintenance, but the toilet was fixed and they wouldn't clean up the water for me.
I called my mom, hysterical, and she told me to get some paper towels and to sacrifice a cheap towel or two to soak everything up. I realize just how lucky I am that I got Clorox spray just earlier tonight. I don't want to continue standing in the toilet water, so I ask her what to do. She says to get a pair of old shoes. The problem? I have like two pairs of shoes at my apartment (the rest haven't made it here yet), and I like both of them.
I'm wondering what the fuck I'm gonna do. I could use some of the rubber gloves I have (which I got to stick hemorrhoid cream up my asshole, another fun TMI moment of late), but how would the fingers work with my toes? Did I have any saran wrap? What the fuck could I use?
And then I remembered a scene from an old Arrested Development episode, where George Sr. and Kitty are in Mexico, and Kitty said she used the last condoms as shoes in the shower because it was so gross. And I found my answer.
A recent partner left some condoms at my place and I hated them, so I figured they'd be better off being sacrificed for this divine purpose. I sprayed my feet with Clorox, then slipped the condoms on over them, the sprayed the bottom of my be-condomed feet. Tight, but they'd do. (Side note: any guy who says the condom won't fit is absolutely full of shit)
So after soaking up most of the water and sacrificing three cheap towels, I spent about half an hour hunched over my bathroom floor, spraying Clorox and wiping it up, with condoms on my feet. At 3am. All I could think right then was "Fuck my life." After that, I took the bag of wet paper towels and soaking towels to the trash and took a long shower. I have to be up in four and a half hours. Fuuuuuuuck.
But for reading all of that, here's a picture of my feet in condoms.
My toilet overflowed. At 2:30am. And I have contamination/germ based OCD, with toilets and the things associated with them being one of the dirtiest things for me. And I have to be up at 8:30.
Let me back up a bit and set the stage: I have IBS, and this means my poops vary in texture, consistency, etc. The past two days I've been having what's probably the healthiest type of poop but is my least favorite: the soft-serve ice cream type. You know when it won't push out all the way, sticks to your butt, and there's tons of it there? And it takes FOREVER to clean up? Those kinds.
So last night I had one of those dumps and used a looooot of toilet paper and baby wipes. I had somewhere to be and hurriedly flushed the toilet and just prayed it would all go down. I didn't get back until tonight, roughly 18 hours later.
I checked the toilet, and some poop was still there, amongst a tangle of soggy toilet paper. I flushed and everything seemed okay.
As I'm getting ready for bed (sleeping pill taken, I'm drowsy, I have to be up in a few hours), I go to pee. I notice there's still some toilet paper in there, but shrug it off, pee, and flush. I decided to check to see if it was going down, just to be sure (I close the lid of the toilet when I flush).
It wasn't. It was coming up. I started saying "Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh shit. Please go down. Please go down. PLEEEEASE go down! DON'T OVERFLOW! NO! NO NO NO NO NO!"
The water rises and starts pouring over the bowl, onto the floor, like a fucking fountain. Luckily I have the sense to grab the bath mat and chuck it into the hallway before the water reaches it, but that was about the extent of my skills.
I stood helplessly in the doorway, attempting telekinesis to stop it from flowing onto the floor. I watched it creep closer and closer to the door, and I had a sudden thought and ran in and grabbed my toilet plunger (no lie, the #1 thing on the list my apartment gave out for "first time apartment renter tips" was to buy a toilet plunger so you can save yourself the embarrassment of calling maintenance to unclog your toilet). I plunge a few times, lift it up, and sweet Jesus, the water starts going down and flushes, and the bowl refills to normal. Thank dog. I look behind me and feel like I have witnessed a miracle, because the water stopped about 10 inches short of the door, which leads to carpet. How lucky is that?
... except I still have toilet water all over my bathroom floor. And it occurs to me that I'm standing in it. I consider how much I actually use my feet and whether I really needed them or if I could cut them off. I made an "UGH!!" sound and stepped into the hallway. But now the carpet in the hallway is wet where I'm standing. I realize that no matter what, I'm going to have to go back into the bathroom and clean up all the water. I could call maintenance, but the toilet was fixed and they wouldn't clean up the water for me.
I called my mom, hysterical, and she told me to get some paper towels and to sacrifice a cheap towel or two to soak everything up. I realize just how lucky I am that I got Clorox spray just earlier tonight. I don't want to continue standing in the toilet water, so I ask her what to do. She says to get a pair of old shoes. The problem? I have like two pairs of shoes at my apartment (the rest haven't made it here yet), and I like both of them.
I'm wondering what the fuck I'm gonna do. I could use some of the rubber gloves I have (which I got to stick hemorrhoid cream up my asshole, another fun TMI moment of late), but how would the fingers work with my toes? Did I have any saran wrap? What the fuck could I use?
And then I remembered a scene from an old Arrested Development episode, where George Sr. and Kitty are in Mexico, and Kitty said she used the last condoms as shoes in the shower because it was so gross. And I found my answer.
A recent partner left some condoms at my place and I hated them, so I figured they'd be better off being sacrificed for this divine purpose. I sprayed my feet with Clorox, then slipped the condoms on over them, the sprayed the bottom of my be-condomed feet. Tight, but they'd do. (Side note: any guy who says the condom won't fit is absolutely full of shit)
So after soaking up most of the water and sacrificing three cheap towels, I spent about half an hour hunched over my bathroom floor, spraying Clorox and wiping it up, with condoms on my feet. At 3am. All I could think right then was "Fuck my life." After that, I took the bag of wet paper towels and soaking towels to the trash and took a long shower. I have to be up in four and a half hours. Fuuuuuuuck.
But for reading all of that, here's a picture of my feet in condoms.