(no subject)
So me and james i guess are not together. i make him unhappy and he makes me sad so maybe it is for the best. i do love him and always will but maybe we need to let go but its just so hard. but its going to happen, he got a job which is great im very proud of him but now i wont get to see him for at least 2 week. and then i will only see him for 2 days if i even see him then so thats not going to work i know if you love someone you will wait forever and i will maybe one day we will be together but im not just going to sit around here crying because i miss him and hate being alone. he is going into the air force and im going to college its just not goin to work out for us. When we dont see each other it makes me mad its not fair that other people can have him but me the one he says he loves more than anyone of anything cant have him, i dont care how mean or gay or anything that that sounds thats how i feel, he wont call when were not together (he has been gettin better at that) i call and he has all kinds of fun and does all this stuff without me and i cant take it. im selfish i dont care, i dont have a true good time unless were together and it kills me that he can, so maybe us not being together i will be able to get over that and realize that i dont need him. So i stop texting him last night in the middle of our convo well what he said was not nice but i needed to hear it so im not mad at him for it or anything im just not goin to text him, that was the hardest thing. i laid in bed for a hour just crying, and thinking about how much he means to me and how i never told him i loved him and how im losing the best thing that has every happened to me, and i decided that im not goin to text him today.. which i probably will cause i cant just not write him im really going to try. i cant keep doing this little mind thing to myself i keep saying im going to leave him but i cant i love him but things just are not going to work out and i have to decided what i need in life no matter how hard this is, i dont want to I REALLY dont want to but i cant keep doing this to myself i get all sad and cry then talk to him and make up i cant take it anymore i need all of nothing, i need to know its over for good or we are going to be together forever and get married and i cant know that soo.. he tells me he loves me but words mean nothing, he has tp show me but he doesnt he doesnt leave me little notes on my pillows before he leaves on sundays for me to find when i go to sleep of little gifts in my coat pockets for me to find i have to be shown that im love i have always been like that,, haha my mom knows.. and i will never change.
well on a happier note i think im going to the movies tom i dont know j woods just asked me and i cant type and talk haha so i told him i would talk to him later. sat i think im babysitting and going to my dads sunday i think im goin to call and go to wrk. all i know is i have to stay busy or ill just sit around the whole weekend staring at my phone waiting for james to call and i know hw wont and ill get mad after hours of sittin and crying and i will call him and scream my little face off which he doesnt need to hear how mad and sad i am because first its not his probably and second he just doesnt care and then we will say were sorry and make up and we will be fine for a day or two and it will happen all over again and that sucks because i love him and were just hurting one another.. well j woods wont stop trying to talk to me and im gettin all messed up so im going to go -TONYA-