Turn my mic up louder...I've gotta say something...
What do you do when you just have no idea what the future holds for you? Don't do what I do...which is play scenarios out in my head and freak out lots. I don't think I've talked about this on here, but I'm moving back to Orange Park on Saturday. There are many reasons as to why I am doing this, and they ultimately come down to my poor handling of getting my life together in a new city while dealing with the death of my father. There's no one to blame but myself...unless you want to really get down to it and then we can blame my Dad. Haha sometimes I do. Sometimes I get so mad at everything and just look at his picture and tell him it's his fault that I have issues. It was always about him ;)
I've wasted so much time and money just doing nothing these past few months. I've not only let myself down, but I've also let my friends down. I'm sure they've just loved the fact that I just lay around and do nothing while they go off to work each day. Trust me. I was not the lucky one. I've wasted time and neglected to find employment, which also means that I am a high risk for signing a new lease for the coming year. No one's going to approve me for a lease with a friend when I don't have a job. It's too big of a risk for my friend, and it's not something I ever want to ask someone to do...unless they're married to me...then they're stuck.
I'm still really freaking out. I could sit here and think about what I could have done better and how I could have branched out to meet new people and discover new opportunities available to me in this new city. However, I did not, and since Sean has explained to me the detriment of counter-factual thinking (coulda, woulda, shoulda, if you will), I will not dwell on what might have been because there is no guarantee that it might have turned out that way. All I can do is learn from past mistakes and use that knowledge to prevent me from making similar mistakes in the future. Here's hoping it works out that way!
I am quite ashamed of how I have dealt with things. I was not raised to stay down when hit with a blow, but that's exactly what I have done this time around. I completely understand that life never turns out the way you want it to, but god damn I wish things could be different for me. I want normal. I want peace of mind. I want love.
And I know the only way I'm going to get these things is to get them myself. I think I've just been laying low and letting life and time just pass me by in the hopes that everything would work itself out...by itself. But it hasn't. Quelle grande surprise!
I've wasted so much time and money just doing nothing these past few months. I've not only let myself down, but I've also let my friends down. I'm sure they've just loved the fact that I just lay around and do nothing while they go off to work each day. Trust me. I was not the lucky one. I've wasted time and neglected to find employment, which also means that I am a high risk for signing a new lease for the coming year. No one's going to approve me for a lease with a friend when I don't have a job. It's too big of a risk for my friend, and it's not something I ever want to ask someone to do...unless they're married to me...then they're stuck.
I'm still really freaking out. I could sit here and think about what I could have done better and how I could have branched out to meet new people and discover new opportunities available to me in this new city. However, I did not, and since Sean has explained to me the detriment of counter-factual thinking (coulda, woulda, shoulda, if you will), I will not dwell on what might have been because there is no guarantee that it might have turned out that way. All I can do is learn from past mistakes and use that knowledge to prevent me from making similar mistakes in the future. Here's hoping it works out that way!
I am quite ashamed of how I have dealt with things. I was not raised to stay down when hit with a blow, but that's exactly what I have done this time around. I completely understand that life never turns out the way you want it to, but god damn I wish things could be different for me. I want normal. I want peace of mind. I want love.
And I know the only way I'm going to get these things is to get them myself. I think I've just been laying low and letting life and time just pass me by in the hopes that everything would work itself out...by itself. But it hasn't. Quelle grande surprise!