recovery in process
The past 2 weeks have been pretty good in terms of me making progress and getting better. I’ve done lots more than I would normally choose to do (in part due to my friends and my Mom pushing me to get out). Mom & I saw two shows: my high school’s production of Hairspray and a touring professional version of Les Miserables. Les Mis was amazing and I cried during at least 2 songs and bought a t-shirt at intermission that says ‘One Day More’ on it. And even though my throat was super irritated and I had no voice to fan girl over the show with I enjoyed it. The new sets were cool and there was not a single weak spot in that cast.
Later that week I went with a group to see the Avengers! I’m not going to write a review here but it was amazing and I was in a state of geeky glee throughout the whole thing. Things I especially loved tho were: the trio of badassery that was Fury-Coulson-Hill (can we get a SHIELD movie plskthx?!), Natasha being so much more layered and complex and human than I anticipated, and RDJ as Tony Stark making me FEEL ALL THE THINGS. I’m planning on taking my parents to see this when I can so I can look for smaller details.
Then over the weekend I went to two get together at a besties. A birthday party and just a get together dinner.
So I was feeling pretty proud of myself. Look at me Ma! Getting out and doing regular activities! Which is actually a huge step for me because when I’m depressed I tend to shut myself in my room, alone in my head, and push everyone away. Mom has even been helping me keep up a sleep schedule, waking me up at 10am. Because I sleep more when I’m depressed and it screws up my whole body and the therapist suggested that I start fixing that.
Ive had had my 2nd therapist appt this past Wednesday and it went well. I like the lady so far and feel like I can be open with her. We are still learning about each other and going through my history of how I got to the hospital and then to her but I’m optimistic. I thought I was doing better. I wondered if this is what recovery felt like. Even my asthma has been not so bad. My throat is still irritated and I lose my voice occasionally but I have not had to use my inhaler all week.
The suddenly today I wake up and feel completely different. My Mom & Dad were gone before I woke up, they are working down at the TPC, so it was just me and the dogs. But all that good, hopefully feeling from yesterday was gone. I feel lethargic and heavy. Kinda like I’m walking around in a fog. It's strange and not a good feelings at all. I just wanted to crawl back in bed and sleep until the feeling went away but that is exactly what I’m not supposed to be doing. I tried to keep to a normal schedule. I ate lunch at a normal time and even took my puppy River for a long walk. That helped a bit. It was a nice, warm day outside and just walking around the neighborhood let me get out of my head and concentrate on the motions of walking and the words of the audio book playing on my iPod.
But then earlier this evening I just got so emotional! It feels like my emotions are closer to the surface these days. The littlest thing can set me off. But today it’s not being helped by the fact that I am alone and feel cut off. Usually I get my Mom to sit with me and distract me and talk me through my feelings. But she is working and hasn’t answered her phone. (I do need to expand my network of people I can call to come help me when I have these days. They are out they, I just have to get over my embarrassment and fears and ask for help.) To distract myself I’ve been making cup after cup of hot tea or hot chocolate and cuddling with my iPod and my dogs. I took some pictures earlier as photography is a big hobby of mine and focusing on framing a picture is a good way to get my thoughts moving around. And I thought if I feel this crappy today I might as well try to channel that sad energy and document what I’m feeling. So those things helped but I still spent about an hour and a half crying off and on for reasons unknown.
So what I’m saying is that tripping over stumbling stones on the road to recovery sucks if you didn’t know. Any encouraging quotes, links, tips or kind words would be much appreciated at this moment.