#x+17y+78=2w/-1: Pain
Classes at UA are good. They are all going well, but are much tougher than DHS was. My test grades were an 88 in Math 115 and a 92 in Bio 114[and a 108 of 293 failed that test]. My English 103 self narrative received a B- which angered me, but it was one of the better grades in the class. I have made new friends, many many new friends.
I have made few friends that can see through my thin veneer of good humor though. I'm actually still quite disturbed. According to an old originally French book, this is love. But because I am only wounded by this, love is no longer a happy thing for me. It was once, but no longer. So many lies have been said on so many levels by so many people. It just almost isn't worth trying to sort through. It can't be fixed at this time however, I've known that for some time now. Might not ever be fixed. I guess that's the way everyone wants it though. Tiff chooses not to speak to me, not even to just tell me to leave her alone. I wonder now if she really did love me in return, but I believe so. I believe she is just very hurt. Steph, I am sorry I hurt her, she wounded me right back quite well, but that isn't why I'm sorry. She really did love me, I chose the wrong path. I will probably send her a written statement of apology and of various other things it seemed she did not understood the last time I spoke with her, if I ever try to contact her again. Somehow, I doubt it is a good idea. I don't have to go into all that now though.
I am tired of carrying my feelings of unrequited love. I am probably going to kill my feelings for a time, again. I have no other choice besides going on with my pain and I just can't do that any longer. I have carried this around for more than two months now. I feel the same heartbeat I used to have, but I'm so empty. As such, I will destroy those feelings within my heart and my memories that bring me pain. I am not sure just how, but I can probably just forget. People do it everyday, they call it fugue I think. Maybe I will invent a new self while I am at it. Hopefully, I'll either find someone else or get Tiff to come around sometime this year, or her just tell me to get lost so I can forget about her after that. God, just something's going to have to give somewhere, and I'm afraid it's going to be me.
I have made few friends that can see through my thin veneer of good humor though. I'm actually still quite disturbed. According to an old originally French book, this is love. But because I am only wounded by this, love is no longer a happy thing for me. It was once, but no longer. So many lies have been said on so many levels by so many people. It just almost isn't worth trying to sort through. It can't be fixed at this time however, I've known that for some time now. Might not ever be fixed. I guess that's the way everyone wants it though. Tiff chooses not to speak to me, not even to just tell me to leave her alone. I wonder now if she really did love me in return, but I believe so. I believe she is just very hurt. Steph, I am sorry I hurt her, she wounded me right back quite well, but that isn't why I'm sorry. She really did love me, I chose the wrong path. I will probably send her a written statement of apology and of various other things it seemed she did not understood the last time I spoke with her, if I ever try to contact her again. Somehow, I doubt it is a good idea. I don't have to go into all that now though.
I am tired of carrying my feelings of unrequited love. I am probably going to kill my feelings for a time, again. I have no other choice besides going on with my pain and I just can't do that any longer. I have carried this around for more than two months now. I feel the same heartbeat I used to have, but I'm so empty. As such, I will destroy those feelings within my heart and my memories that bring me pain. I am not sure just how, but I can probably just forget. People do it everyday, they call it fugue I think. Maybe I will invent a new self while I am at it. Hopefully, I'll either find someone else or get Tiff to come around sometime this year, or her just tell me to get lost so I can forget about her after that. God, just something's going to have to give somewhere, and I'm afraid it's going to be me.