(no subject)
Well I have my son back now. He is here, trying to go to sleep. And I am waiting to smoke. Clayton said he would call earlier. He never did. Not that I wanted to talk to him. Just another thing he said and didn't mean. And now I am bothered. And am up late. I actually haven't had too many problems sleeping so far. I just feel so used.
Life is so strange. God, please help me to find a decent job. And please help me to do well in school. Help me to raise Hayden to be a good man, and always walk closely beside you. And please send someone that loves me for me that will make me happy, that I will make happy. And especially forgive my sins. I need your strength and guidance now Lord more than ever. How many times have I said that in my life?
So he is going to do a polygraph (so he says). And what good will that do? He is still just a pill junkie, even if none of this would have happened. And so distant, Lord. I just don't understand. And I was trying to remember if I was ever truly happy with him or the way he is or treats me. And I don't remember anything. I remember at first he was so worried about my opinion and my happiness. What happened? He was always looking out for me. When did that fade away?
And I have given up on Ted. I tried to call him twice the other day. I know he doesn't have caller ID. But the second time someone hung it up before his voicemail picked up, and I think I should just take that as a sign. What did I want from him anyway? He isn't going to fix things. I am just lonely. I have to learn to be patient. Especially with having a man around. Look at all the bad choices I jumped into before. I can't keep repeating that process.
God I know you have so much to take care of already. But I know that my life is still important to you. And I will wait for your signal. Please give me strength and guidance.
I am wishing I had more friends. I am just not that kind-of girl. I am not the talk-to-everyone-and-REALLY-know-no-one type. I have to have people I love and trust with everything. Why can't things ever be just casual?
I know I used to be so different. Before the "incident". But I am going to assume that I am supposed to be this type of person, because that is what I have been molded into. I know this life shouldn't make sense to us down here. Only You. I still wonder.
Too much time to think. That's all I guess. I have always had that problem anyway. Lord, direct me. Please open the right doors. Please help me to move forward.
Life is so strange. God, please help me to find a decent job. And please help me to do well in school. Help me to raise Hayden to be a good man, and always walk closely beside you. And please send someone that loves me for me that will make me happy, that I will make happy. And especially forgive my sins. I need your strength and guidance now Lord more than ever. How many times have I said that in my life?
So he is going to do a polygraph (so he says). And what good will that do? He is still just a pill junkie, even if none of this would have happened. And so distant, Lord. I just don't understand. And I was trying to remember if I was ever truly happy with him or the way he is or treats me. And I don't remember anything. I remember at first he was so worried about my opinion and my happiness. What happened? He was always looking out for me. When did that fade away?
And I have given up on Ted. I tried to call him twice the other day. I know he doesn't have caller ID. But the second time someone hung it up before his voicemail picked up, and I think I should just take that as a sign. What did I want from him anyway? He isn't going to fix things. I am just lonely. I have to learn to be patient. Especially with having a man around. Look at all the bad choices I jumped into before. I can't keep repeating that process.
God I know you have so much to take care of already. But I know that my life is still important to you. And I will wait for your signal. Please give me strength and guidance.
I am wishing I had more friends. I am just not that kind-of girl. I am not the talk-to-everyone-and-REALLY-know-no-one type. I have to have people I love and trust with everything. Why can't things ever be just casual?
I know I used to be so different. Before the "incident". But I am going to assume that I am supposed to be this type of person, because that is what I have been molded into. I know this life shouldn't make sense to us down here. Only You. I still wonder.
Too much time to think. That's all I guess. I have always had that problem anyway. Lord, direct me. Please open the right doors. Please help me to move forward.