(no subject)
it's fashionable to write everyone a letter before you leave. i could move to washington and live with mikael but i'm not brave enough for another day. i'm finally okay with the idea of only taking one more shower and only dressing in clean clothes one more time. i wish my hair was longer. i want to look perfect for what's about to happen but i'll have to deal with everything with this horrible hair. i would shave it all again and go away bald but i'm ready to simply go away. twelve hours from now i'll be gone so hopefully if someone's going to explode with anything to say they'll say everything soon. there are a few people who deserve to hear something before i go.
megan i wish everything would've had a chance to work. when i was with you i was happy and i wish everything could stay that way but it's obvious that you need someone who's got something going for them. everything's too shaky for you to have to tolerate someone who's as crazy as you are. you're young so it's not like you have to find true love or anything already. you deserve to have someone who makes your chest collapse and your heart light up whenever they hold your hand and who can make you forget where you are when they kiss your lips. i know maybe you find something in my words but these words aren't really made for anyone to hear so don't worry. i was never very important and i wasn't around for long enough for you to really miss me. i wish i could say goodbye in person but i know everything would break if i did and i'd be left crying and feeling like i'd done something wrong. i guess it's best if i stay invisible until i go. i wish i could tell you what i want to tell you right now but right now's wrong and the city's not ready for what would happen.
i love you mikael and inside my head there's shaking violently this nerve to get my check wednesday and ride to washington to say goodbye to you there. the tuesday we wrecked your car could've ended very differently. when your car was leaving i wanted desperately for you to stop. i wanted to hug you and tell you i love you and i'm about to cry right now typing the whole thing and i was very happy when you told i was a loser for feelign that way and you told me you wanted the same thing and you were a loser for not hugging me and telling me you love me. thank you for everything. in the middle of a whole bunch of girls who hardly ever were anything a whole bunch of lies that were made for no reason i know there was a certain honesty between us and there still is in this. it's only because i'm comfortable enough being around you playing hunter s. thompson and tripping and doing drugs not as an escape but because we played with drugs like toys that i can suddenly pour all this childish mess out to you. i'll die tripping so the whole deal will be ideal for me i hope you find something wonderful in the whole thing. i'm sorry. i want desperately to save you only i can hardly work to keep everything together.
libbey i'm a nervous wreck right now wanting horribly to call you before i go. i'll lie to you and tell you i'm moving to washington tomorrow and i want to see you before i go. i don't know. the last few weeks there's been something missing that was maybe missing even when i knew you. four months became the best part of my life and i can still hear you talking behinds doors. whenever i hear a noise somewhere i pray for you to come up the stairs and knock on the door and i wonder if you even know the way here anymore. i don't know if you ever knew what you were doing or if you accidentally did what you did to me. i thought the whole thing could never end so now i want to laugh out loud like a king at what's happened and how all my memories are becoming broken sentences on pieces of paper on the floor and i can't help but step all over everything that happened. this sunday keps pounding in my head when you didn't feel very good and said how you didn't want to remember that day by having our pictures taken. do you remember that day? i remember thinking we'd never talk to each other again but somehow knowing we would after every fight we ever had. when you walked away in the rain and when what happened the sunday happened and when i was horribly drunk i alays knew you'd come back but that friday when you wouldn't come to liberty east i knew something horrible happened and i went on and on and on to mikael over cigarettes how i'd never see you again and i never did see you again and right now i'm not sure if maybe i will. i know in a few minutes i'm going to call you and construct a big lie to spend a few of my final hours with you. i wish you were going to remember me being the boy who maybe made you happy but i know all i am to you anymore's this wreck. i hope you liked your red banana. i keep playing "haligh, haligh, a lie, haligh".
i wish i could've said everything correctly but everything sounds wrong. if i had the piece of mind to word everything correctly right now maybe i wouldn't be crazy enough to be doing what i'm doing. when you wake up in the morning i'll be gone forever.
i know there's someone in the world i was looking for and who's maybe looking for me but i can't go on looking right now. i can never survive responsibility and everything. i wasn't made for the world and if i was i was made for something big i know but right now i'm abandoning whatever i ever could have done and i'm taking the easy way out because that's who i am and you all know that's who i am and that's why everything's the way everything is. i wish everything wasn't such a mess right now because there's so many words that could shine out of my mouth that i can't quite find right now.
megan i wish everything would've had a chance to work. when i was with you i was happy and i wish everything could stay that way but it's obvious that you need someone who's got something going for them. everything's too shaky for you to have to tolerate someone who's as crazy as you are. you're young so it's not like you have to find true love or anything already. you deserve to have someone who makes your chest collapse and your heart light up whenever they hold your hand and who can make you forget where you are when they kiss your lips. i know maybe you find something in my words but these words aren't really made for anyone to hear so don't worry. i was never very important and i wasn't around for long enough for you to really miss me. i wish i could say goodbye in person but i know everything would break if i did and i'd be left crying and feeling like i'd done something wrong. i guess it's best if i stay invisible until i go. i wish i could tell you what i want to tell you right now but right now's wrong and the city's not ready for what would happen.
i love you mikael and inside my head there's shaking violently this nerve to get my check wednesday and ride to washington to say goodbye to you there. the tuesday we wrecked your car could've ended very differently. when your car was leaving i wanted desperately for you to stop. i wanted to hug you and tell you i love you and i'm about to cry right now typing the whole thing and i was very happy when you told i was a loser for feelign that way and you told me you wanted the same thing and you were a loser for not hugging me and telling me you love me. thank you for everything. in the middle of a whole bunch of girls who hardly ever were anything a whole bunch of lies that were made for no reason i know there was a certain honesty between us and there still is in this. it's only because i'm comfortable enough being around you playing hunter s. thompson and tripping and doing drugs not as an escape but because we played with drugs like toys that i can suddenly pour all this childish mess out to you. i'll die tripping so the whole deal will be ideal for me i hope you find something wonderful in the whole thing. i'm sorry. i want desperately to save you only i can hardly work to keep everything together.
libbey i'm a nervous wreck right now wanting horribly to call you before i go. i'll lie to you and tell you i'm moving to washington tomorrow and i want to see you before i go. i don't know. the last few weeks there's been something missing that was maybe missing even when i knew you. four months became the best part of my life and i can still hear you talking behinds doors. whenever i hear a noise somewhere i pray for you to come up the stairs and knock on the door and i wonder if you even know the way here anymore. i don't know if you ever knew what you were doing or if you accidentally did what you did to me. i thought the whole thing could never end so now i want to laugh out loud like a king at what's happened and how all my memories are becoming broken sentences on pieces of paper on the floor and i can't help but step all over everything that happened. this sunday keps pounding in my head when you didn't feel very good and said how you didn't want to remember that day by having our pictures taken. do you remember that day? i remember thinking we'd never talk to each other again but somehow knowing we would after every fight we ever had. when you walked away in the rain and when what happened the sunday happened and when i was horribly drunk i alays knew you'd come back but that friday when you wouldn't come to liberty east i knew something horrible happened and i went on and on and on to mikael over cigarettes how i'd never see you again and i never did see you again and right now i'm not sure if maybe i will. i know in a few minutes i'm going to call you and construct a big lie to spend a few of my final hours with you. i wish you were going to remember me being the boy who maybe made you happy but i know all i am to you anymore's this wreck. i hope you liked your red banana. i keep playing "haligh, haligh, a lie, haligh".
i wish i could've said everything correctly but everything sounds wrong. if i had the piece of mind to word everything correctly right now maybe i wouldn't be crazy enough to be doing what i'm doing. when you wake up in the morning i'll be gone forever.
i know there's someone in the world i was looking for and who's maybe looking for me but i can't go on looking right now. i can never survive responsibility and everything. i wasn't made for the world and if i was i was made for something big i know but right now i'm abandoning whatever i ever could have done and i'm taking the easy way out because that's who i am and you all know that's who i am and that's why everything's the way everything is. i wish everything wasn't such a mess right now because there's so many words that could shine out of my mouth that i can't quite find right now.