What did I ever do...

[tommyx]

to deserve this horrible life of pain and misery? I ask myself this often. Hardly a day goes by that I ever even feel good anymore, I'm always so tired... simple things like cutting the grass, or going up and down the stairs to wash clothes are becoming more like hurdles I have to overcome. There are days I set goals, to try to accomplish things around the house, but half the time I can never finish them... you have no idea how frustrating it is. I try to put a smile on my face and stay strong, but it gets to be such a chore to do so anymore... its easy to break down and cry too, but I'd rather laugh at something stupid than not... I guess I'm destined to `break` every time I cough now too, which means I have to endure weeks, if not months of pain while I heal... only to probably have it happen again within a short time, and to go through it all over. Sometimes I just want to put a pistol to my head and pull the trigger... at least the pain and suffering would stop. But I won't, I'm not that stupid or heartless... however long I have to endure... I will. My brother asked me the other day if I was afraid of dying, and I said not anymore. I used to be, but the fear kinda goes away after awhile... I just hope that the next plane of existance is a hell of a lot better than this one has been.

And now I'm gonna go have a beer... I deserve it, and because it might help dim the pain a little.