Good Brian Hunting
I know barely anyone who spends time with me anymore reads this. They all have moved on to the newest vogue: Facebook, MySpace, etc. They all post their blogs there now. Perhaps they think of this as high-school era. Perhaps they are right. But this is my home damnit and I ain't fucking moving so if they wanna know me or pretend that they care, then they'll fucking come here to read.
I can't help but be reminded everytime I go past the daycare facility, that only a year ago around this time I had my heart emotionally tied to someone and their little daughter. The little things that made that time special. It's all gone for horribly complex and not so complex reasons. I know maybe in another year or so the feelings, the memories will start to subside and die down a bit more so I'm not constantly reminded.
Tonight I saw the movie Good Will Hunting. If you've never seen it, you may or may not understand everything completely, but if you've ever talked to me recently, you know how there's so many parallels it's scary. I can't help but feel like I'm "sitting on a winning lottery ticket and too scared to cash it in". It's been many years since I've tried community college and even more years since I've tried real college. 4 to be exact. I have a good deal of respect for those who bust their asses to get good grades and balance that out with a full time job.
There's a lot of times I wish I could just take a break and try school again. But I'm so afraid of failing. Like I would fall back on all that I've accomplished emotionally and mentally. Yet I realize I can not go too far in whatever I want to do without that paper from a college. I'm held down, and rightly so. There's balances of responsibility, producing work under deadlines, and demanding workloads with consequences. Yet I know I would fail still for the same reason I failed then. Not because I wasn't smart enough, not because I couldn't "get" the material. No, it's because I would isolate myself from others and become a miserable depressed fuck. I still haven't mastered the skill of getting out and meeting people, finding new friends, going out and finding new experiences. Certainly not everyone is the social butterfly, but when you've been in a cocoon for so long, it's hard to come out of that nice warm, fuzzy shell.
Having the job I have in retail, it isn't the best job for me I know. I have a fucked up schedule that I can't meet or hang out with friends, I don't have time off on the weekends to enjoy things like normal people I do. I can't even enjoy the holidays like normal people do. I hate it. I'd love to have a 9-5 M-F job now. The amount of work I do? I don't get paid nearly enough for the amount of bullshit, work, and responsibilities I'm trusted with. I have so much more potential, but no idea on how to let it loose.
Someone asked me recently: "What do you like to do?" and I really didn't have much of a reflexive answer like most people would think. A lot of things I suppose, but nothing I could see myself getting a job out of for that matter. Maybe that means I need to spend my time finding something more productive or it means I need to analyze a lot more deeply about what I do spend my free time on.
It's just odd because if I were like a normal kid, I'd be graduating out of college by now. "Something in computers" as my friends all like to suggest. I'd be looking for a job related to my field of study, trying to get some usefulness out of the piece of paper I was just handed, wet behind the ears with little job experience. Instead, the shoe is on the other foot: I have job experience for the last...jesus...3 years continuously (no vacation ever taken) and I wanna go to college to learn. If I'm doing that shit backwards, I wonder what else I'm doing backwards too.
I really need to go to bed. I have much to think about before I sleep.
As well as I need to sleep so I can go to work tomorrow. As much as I loathe it.
I no longer look forward to work and yet I can't find a new job that excites or lets me use my mind either.
No wonder Will Hunting drinks a lot and gets in fights a lot.
Seems the best way to dull the pain right about now...
tomjoad
I can't help but be reminded everytime I go past the daycare facility, that only a year ago around this time I had my heart emotionally tied to someone and their little daughter. The little things that made that time special. It's all gone for horribly complex and not so complex reasons. I know maybe in another year or so the feelings, the memories will start to subside and die down a bit more so I'm not constantly reminded.
Tonight I saw the movie Good Will Hunting. If you've never seen it, you may or may not understand everything completely, but if you've ever talked to me recently, you know how there's so many parallels it's scary. I can't help but feel like I'm "sitting on a winning lottery ticket and too scared to cash it in". It's been many years since I've tried community college and even more years since I've tried real college. 4 to be exact. I have a good deal of respect for those who bust their asses to get good grades and balance that out with a full time job.
There's a lot of times I wish I could just take a break and try school again. But I'm so afraid of failing. Like I would fall back on all that I've accomplished emotionally and mentally. Yet I realize I can not go too far in whatever I want to do without that paper from a college. I'm held down, and rightly so. There's balances of responsibility, producing work under deadlines, and demanding workloads with consequences. Yet I know I would fail still for the same reason I failed then. Not because I wasn't smart enough, not because I couldn't "get" the material. No, it's because I would isolate myself from others and become a miserable depressed fuck. I still haven't mastered the skill of getting out and meeting people, finding new friends, going out and finding new experiences. Certainly not everyone is the social butterfly, but when you've been in a cocoon for so long, it's hard to come out of that nice warm, fuzzy shell.
Having the job I have in retail, it isn't the best job for me I know. I have a fucked up schedule that I can't meet or hang out with friends, I don't have time off on the weekends to enjoy things like normal people I do. I can't even enjoy the holidays like normal people do. I hate it. I'd love to have a 9-5 M-F job now. The amount of work I do? I don't get paid nearly enough for the amount of bullshit, work, and responsibilities I'm trusted with. I have so much more potential, but no idea on how to let it loose.
Someone asked me recently: "What do you like to do?" and I really didn't have much of a reflexive answer like most people would think. A lot of things I suppose, but nothing I could see myself getting a job out of for that matter. Maybe that means I need to spend my time finding something more productive or it means I need to analyze a lot more deeply about what I do spend my free time on.
It's just odd because if I were like a normal kid, I'd be graduating out of college by now. "Something in computers" as my friends all like to suggest. I'd be looking for a job related to my field of study, trying to get some usefulness out of the piece of paper I was just handed, wet behind the ears with little job experience. Instead, the shoe is on the other foot: I have job experience for the last...jesus...3 years continuously (no vacation ever taken) and I wanna go to college to learn. If I'm doing that shit backwards, I wonder what else I'm doing backwards too.
I really need to go to bed. I have much to think about before I sleep.
As well as I need to sleep so I can go to work tomorrow. As much as I loathe it.
I no longer look forward to work and yet I can't find a new job that excites or lets me use my mind either.
No wonder Will Hunting drinks a lot and gets in fights a lot.
Seems the best way to dull the pain right about now...
tomjoad