JOURNAL ENTRY #46

[tomitomomi]

Hey!
Wow, I got no entry for the whole year of 2019. It was uneventful and sad, but it's done and what a year it was. Makes you hopeful for 2020, right? Well, four months into the year and majority of the world couldn't help but wish that it gets over soon. So here's the situation: My city has been on enhanced community quarantine (ECQ), I had not gone to work since March 9, I am only allowed to go out of the house once a week for grocery, my graduate school classes were already suspended (and ending soon, with a paper due in June) and I have plenty of time right now that leads to my unproductivity. Due to my unproductivity, I have lots of thoughts. So I'll put up these thoughts in here so that I have something to read and reflect in the future.

• As mentioned, 2019 was really not a good year for me. I don't know what happened but I lost all the motivation and the fulfillment in going to work. I was just so lost. Now that I am almost not working for 9 weeks already, I am afraid I might not get back the motivation to work ever again. Honestly, I am getting too comfortable on being a couch potato, just at home and having my own time to me. That's kind of problematic for a 30-years old, right?

• This might be because I have lots of time to watch series, or stay on social media and read on posts of friends and colleagues, but when they post about being in love and being loved (romantically), I always have this "ang sarap umibig" thoughts. It would be so nice to fall in love, even better to have someone fall for you. How do you even do that? How does it happen? I don't know how my Kdrama-loving friends see me when I tell them how all these Korean dramas would always inject love stories no matter what genre the series is and how the two leads ending up together does not really contribute to the development of the plot. They might see me as a human who is not really fond of love stories but the real root to that is because, you don't really get that much luck in real life, do you? I know, I am taking the stories too seriously, but really, someone falling for you? How does it happen? Sheldon is so weird but he found Amy, rather his friends found Amy for him, and eventually they ended up together. Why is it so difficult for me? (Okay that's a spontaneous rant to the universe, haha!) Ah, it would really be nice to fall in love and for that someone to fall for you too.

• There might have been times that someone liked me but I would not believe it until he says it right to my face. I mean, how could I assume? Even if the universe gives you hints, clues, or your friends saying that "gusto ka niya!", I wouldn't ever believe it until I hear it from the person. But more often than not, I am always the liking-end in the story, never the liked. That may sound lame and pitiful but that's just it. Plain and simple.

• "Go date!" "Try online dating" "Lumandi ka muna!" How? I am so clueless. I jokingly told someone who met a guy during this quarantine to teach me her ways but honestly? I really don't want to because I don't know how to flirt my way on getting to know a person. I feel it's a waste of time? Another thing: I am bad with conversations. Just simple conversations. I don't know how to start a topic or talk to someone. Basically, I can't lead nor sustain a conversation. So how? Haha. I am hopeless.

• I also have lots of time to browse the internet so in effect; I have uninstalled Twitter application on my phone because I got fed up with immaturity from the people I follow. Like, I really get them most of the time, everyone is different, they believe in things you don't and vice versa, but sometimes, it really ticks me off and people just keep on poking fun on anything. I don't know, maybe I'm just too old for Twitter? I have been using that platform since 2009. I never liked Facebook. I have an account but I don't get notifications and read posts endlessly because I have long since uninstalled the application. Twitter is my go-to social medium. Now that I have uninstalled Twitter too, I am getting more and more anti-social, aren't I?

• I am doing my paper for a month now. The reason why it takes me this long to write 1 paper? Part of it is that I procrastinate. A LOT. I am so bad at time management and being home for almost 3 months now is really not helping. While doing my papers from the past semesters, I started making an excel file of the my top 100 songs from Spotify Wrapped. I fear that this list gets done (from 2016 to 2019) before I get to write my paper. hahahaha

I might add more to this before the ECQ ends. For now, that's all I have.

* edited: 24 May 2020