Spoiling the shit out of Indiana Jones 4
Okay, as written above I have seen Indiana Jones 4 and feel like venting about it. If you don't want to read SPOILERS, I don't blame you, just don't read the rest of this.
Okay so who else hates Shia LaBoef as much as I do? He must've given Spielberg some excellent casting couch head when he tried out for Transformers because he is staggeringly unremarkable in this film. I really don't see what people like about him so much. And while I'm at it, what is it with him and that smarmy-assed little Hercule-Poirot-esque mustache he's sporting in this film? I'm not easily pissed off by peoples appearances, but he looks like a twelve year old cholo kid.
This movie is worse than Temple of Doom. At least Temple had that kickass ending with that annoying blonde chick singing "Anything Goes" in chinese. I'd take Short Round over Mutt (Shia LaBoef's character) any day. And I'm not just talking about who I enjoyed watching more, I really think that little 60 pound chinese kid could take Shia in a fight.
Every plot point was tragically predictable. I saw it coming that Mutt was Indies son with Marian from the second the kid mentioned he had a mother. Then he mentions that his mother was named Marian Williams. Pretty big hint right? It was like 20 minutes into this movie that they reveal that little chestnut and about an hour and ten minutes when they make the super secret reveal that (gasp) Indiana is Mutt's father, not to mention, Mutt is actually named Henry (making him Henry Jones III).
I figured Ray Winstone at least would be cool. Kindof like a new version of Tsala right? NO. By the way, what the fuck happened to Tsala? They had a cameo of every other character (and joke) from the previous three flicks. Half of this movie was just referrences back to just The Last Crusade alone. Ray Winstones character flip flops so much in this movie that by the end of it, when he dies rather ingloriously and unceremoniously, nobody really gives a shit about him.
The russians weren't as cool as the nazis. Sorry, even though I think they were utilized as well as could've been expected in this film, they still lacked that ultimate evil quality that nazis pull off so easily. Kate Blanchette was gnarly as per usual, but the whole metaphor about a high ranking Russian officer wanting to control a series of mind controlling devices actually held my attention but it was so glossed over in order to make room for more close-ups of Mr. LaBoef's balls resting on Spielbergs chin. Oh and the whole ending where Kate Blanchette dies by asking the aliens to give her all the knowledge, resulting in her brain exploding only serves to remind the audience of how much cooler the ending of Raiders of the Lost Ark was. At least there it made sense... The hero and the damsel are tied up and the badguys are about to open up the box containing the power of God. The hero takes action to show reverrence to God while the villains evil and lack of awe results in their gruesome deaths. At the end of this one Indiana doesn't do anything to warrant him living or escaping. He just chooses to exit while the Russians with semi-automatic machine guns just allow him to leave as they are sucked up into a mothership. Who wrote this bullcrap? Did they ever even WATCH Indiana Jones?
Oh yeah, that whole issue of Spielberg making a comment about the current state of America's fear of a terrorist threat by announcing over and over again that the Americans are super afraid of Commie traitors is completely proven useless when the audience sees that not only are the Ruskies infiltrating the best hidden secrets of our governmen on our own soil, but also actively seeking mass-mind controlling technology to use against us. Oh well, making sense never stops anyone from bashing our governments response to terrorism. You know, when you disprove your own argument in a work of complete fiction, maybe you should re-think the point you're trying so hard to make.
This movie was self indulgent, Shia indulgent, and lacked any cohesion of storytelling within itself or any of the other three Indy films.
Did it bother anyone besides me that this movie is basically watching a geriatric beating up thirty year olds? Seriously, Harrison Ford looks like he is in good shape, but I'm betting he could punch me in the face and I wouldn't even feel it. But still, every time Indy throws a punch in this flick it still makes that signiture Indiana Jones loud CRACK that real punches never do.
Did anyone roll their eyes like I did when Mutt explains that he knows fencing from going to private school? Give me a fucking break. This made absolutely no sense and I'd bet money Shia LaBoef wrote in a sword fighting scene himself.
Too much CGI. Would it kill you guys to shoot on location somewhere?
What the fuck was with that 3 times waterfall thing? Are you guys planning on making another Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland? Don't bother. People tend to like rides modeled after GOOD parts of their favorite movies, not pointless action that takes like 5 minutes onscreen and is basically pointless.
How many times did Spielberg need to show the Russian broad picking up transmitters before he thought people might catch on that Ray Winstones character might be evil? Put the camera down after one reveal... Spielberg needs to go watch a movie without totally predictable revelations like.. Oh I dunno... Iron Man?
Now they are talking about giving over the series to Shia entirely and making him the star of the next Indiana Jones while Harrison just makes a small cameo or something. If this actually happens it will rival Nsync as Jedi in episode 1 of star wars as the worst idea of all time.
So what did this movie get right? Well visually its very stunning. I love Karen Allen and orgasmed continuously for about an hour watching her play Marion again. Kate Blanchette is cool and sexy. Harrison Ford is still kindof the star of the film... kindof. Indy marries Marian at the end of the film (and Marain wears a white dress? For shame Marian...) Russians appear evil, bumbling, and easy to kill.
So far everyone who has asked me what I think about the new Indiana Jones movie eventually admits that what I say has no bearing on whether or not they are going to see it. Everyone is still going to see the flick regardless of what I think or how good the movie actually is. I just know that I'm going to fucking LOATHE the fanboys that are going to praise this film. They are probably gonna be worse than LOTR and Transformers fans combined.
Okay so who else hates Shia LaBoef as much as I do? He must've given Spielberg some excellent casting couch head when he tried out for Transformers because he is staggeringly unremarkable in this film. I really don't see what people like about him so much. And while I'm at it, what is it with him and that smarmy-assed little Hercule-Poirot-esque mustache he's sporting in this film? I'm not easily pissed off by peoples appearances, but he looks like a twelve year old cholo kid.
This movie is worse than Temple of Doom. At least Temple had that kickass ending with that annoying blonde chick singing "Anything Goes" in chinese. I'd take Short Round over Mutt (Shia LaBoef's character) any day. And I'm not just talking about who I enjoyed watching more, I really think that little 60 pound chinese kid could take Shia in a fight.
Every plot point was tragically predictable. I saw it coming that Mutt was Indies son with Marian from the second the kid mentioned he had a mother. Then he mentions that his mother was named Marian Williams. Pretty big hint right? It was like 20 minutes into this movie that they reveal that little chestnut and about an hour and ten minutes when they make the super secret reveal that (gasp) Indiana is Mutt's father, not to mention, Mutt is actually named Henry (making him Henry Jones III).
I figured Ray Winstone at least would be cool. Kindof like a new version of Tsala right? NO. By the way, what the fuck happened to Tsala? They had a cameo of every other character (and joke) from the previous three flicks. Half of this movie was just referrences back to just The Last Crusade alone. Ray Winstones character flip flops so much in this movie that by the end of it, when he dies rather ingloriously and unceremoniously, nobody really gives a shit about him.
The russians weren't as cool as the nazis. Sorry, even though I think they were utilized as well as could've been expected in this film, they still lacked that ultimate evil quality that nazis pull off so easily. Kate Blanchette was gnarly as per usual, but the whole metaphor about a high ranking Russian officer wanting to control a series of mind controlling devices actually held my attention but it was so glossed over in order to make room for more close-ups of Mr. LaBoef's balls resting on Spielbergs chin. Oh and the whole ending where Kate Blanchette dies by asking the aliens to give her all the knowledge, resulting in her brain exploding only serves to remind the audience of how much cooler the ending of Raiders of the Lost Ark was. At least there it made sense... The hero and the damsel are tied up and the badguys are about to open up the box containing the power of God. The hero takes action to show reverrence to God while the villains evil and lack of awe results in their gruesome deaths. At the end of this one Indiana doesn't do anything to warrant him living or escaping. He just chooses to exit while the Russians with semi-automatic machine guns just allow him to leave as they are sucked up into a mothership. Who wrote this bullcrap? Did they ever even WATCH Indiana Jones?
Oh yeah, that whole issue of Spielberg making a comment about the current state of America's fear of a terrorist threat by announcing over and over again that the Americans are super afraid of Commie traitors is completely proven useless when the audience sees that not only are the Ruskies infiltrating the best hidden secrets of our governmen on our own soil, but also actively seeking mass-mind controlling technology to use against us. Oh well, making sense never stops anyone from bashing our governments response to terrorism. You know, when you disprove your own argument in a work of complete fiction, maybe you should re-think the point you're trying so hard to make.
This movie was self indulgent, Shia indulgent, and lacked any cohesion of storytelling within itself or any of the other three Indy films.
Did it bother anyone besides me that this movie is basically watching a geriatric beating up thirty year olds? Seriously, Harrison Ford looks like he is in good shape, but I'm betting he could punch me in the face and I wouldn't even feel it. But still, every time Indy throws a punch in this flick it still makes that signiture Indiana Jones loud CRACK that real punches never do.
Did anyone roll their eyes like I did when Mutt explains that he knows fencing from going to private school? Give me a fucking break. This made absolutely no sense and I'd bet money Shia LaBoef wrote in a sword fighting scene himself.
Too much CGI. Would it kill you guys to shoot on location somewhere?
What the fuck was with that 3 times waterfall thing? Are you guys planning on making another Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland? Don't bother. People tend to like rides modeled after GOOD parts of their favorite movies, not pointless action that takes like 5 minutes onscreen and is basically pointless.
How many times did Spielberg need to show the Russian broad picking up transmitters before he thought people might catch on that Ray Winstones character might be evil? Put the camera down after one reveal... Spielberg needs to go watch a movie without totally predictable revelations like.. Oh I dunno... Iron Man?
Now they are talking about giving over the series to Shia entirely and making him the star of the next Indiana Jones while Harrison just makes a small cameo or something. If this actually happens it will rival Nsync as Jedi in episode 1 of star wars as the worst idea of all time.
So what did this movie get right? Well visually its very stunning. I love Karen Allen and orgasmed continuously for about an hour watching her play Marion again. Kate Blanchette is cool and sexy. Harrison Ford is still kindof the star of the film... kindof. Indy marries Marian at the end of the film (and Marain wears a white dress? For shame Marian...) Russians appear evil, bumbling, and easy to kill.
So far everyone who has asked me what I think about the new Indiana Jones movie eventually admits that what I say has no bearing on whether or not they are going to see it. Everyone is still going to see the flick regardless of what I think or how good the movie actually is. I just know that I'm going to fucking LOATHE the fanboys that are going to praise this film. They are probably gonna be worse than LOTR and Transformers fans combined.